DreamsofSerenity

A month into my relationship with my AHBF, he bit my breast so strongly during sex, it bled. I was terrified and reduced to tears. His apology consisted of "It happens". After that, I tried to leave him unsuccessfully for four years.*

I didn't have any experience with alcoholics, so it took me a year to even figure out what was *going on with him. I started Al-Anon and he pretended he started AA. We fell into a push/pull pattern (I think he has BPD also), consisting of fights over drunken verbal and emotional abuse, break ups, and reconciliations. After two weeks apart (it was like clockwork), he'd contact me and I failed every time to keep the boundary.*

However, during the meantime, I did get healthier, and was able to fight with him less, and to more frequently escape the shadow of his disease so I could heal and grow. This change in me seemed to throw him into a depression which progressed until a point when he finally threatened suicide. (I was very vulnerable to this, having survived the suicide of my sister.) I became desperate for some kind of intervention because the situation seemed out of control for both of us. So, I called his brother whom I had never met, and who had no idea his brother was an alcoholic.

After I talked to his brother, and his brother spoke to him, my BF wrote me an email telling me he would never speak to me again, with virtually no explanation as to why. I should have felt relief, but all my issues were instead triggered. Now, I can no longer see the situation for what it really is. All I am experiencing is the feeling that I am unloveable and unworthy, the feeling I seem to always go back to because it was imprinted on my psyche as a child by my cold and unloving father. I feel like I have undermined all the progress I made, and am having such a hard time pulling myself out of the pit of our diseases. I realize I am sick as well, but in my defense, it is so difficult to escape the destruction that is alcoholism. It pulled me in, and before I knew what I was dealing with, I couldn't get out.

I knew telling his brother would push the issue with him somehow. *But I was in denial; I thought he'd recover, not throw me out like an empty bottle of vodka, and instead keep the alcohol and his lies.

Why can't I accept his disease and who he is??

cr995

So sorry to hear that. You are definitely in the right place. Somebody advised me of the following when I asked the same question. Alcoholics will do anything to protect their drink including disposing of any and everybody who gets in their way. I should know when I told my AH of 26 years it was me or the bottle - he chose the bottle!!
I'm sure you are not unworthy or unloveable - but after a while with an A - that is how we feel. I'm sure others will be along soon to give you more encouragement. Meanwhile keep posting . Do you still go to Alanon ? I have found it great. ((Hugs))

marie1960

"Why can't I accept his disease and who he is??" (Erika1968)

IMHO....... you simply do not want to accept the truth. You are correct this is his disease, but you have free will, and you get to choose.

My intention is not to be harsh. I am only pointing out what I struggled with for years. I could no longer cope with how life had spiraled out of control. I was allowing an active addict control and it was robbing me of my own personal joy. When I chose different for myself, I got a different result.

Keep posting, we are listening.

Maylie

I have found that whenever someone is in a toxic relationship that consumes them, the person always wants to get out, but when they do they feel empty. You have dealt will all his crap and chaos for so long now, that now that you have peace it feels strange.

Most of us expect to feel a huge weight lifted off our shoulders and instant happiness when the A leaves, but unfortunately, it is not that simple. We need to keep working on ourselves and figuring out what we need in order to live happy and fulfilled lives.

Have you thought about going to counseling and going back to meetings? Now that he is not around you can put all your attention towards your own recovery. You'll be amazed at how much we can grow once we give ourselves the attention we deserve.

As for choosing drinking over you, sadly, that is not uncommon. He is not ready to seek recovery, and he might never be ready. He left because you didn't cover up his problem and by reaching out to his brother he needed to distance himself to protect his true love, drinking. I know it hurts, but with time you will see that is the one thing he did that was good for you. If he stayed, who knows how long you would have stayed.

keep reading and posting

hugs

Maylie

dollydo

We are all products of our childhood, we tend to gravitate to the same type of people that we were raised with.

This guy is an abuser. For me, abuse is a deal breaker.

I would suggest that you read Codependet No More by Melodie Beattie, the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs. Lots of helpful information at your fingertips.

He did you a favor, embrace it...if needed, go to therapy, you deserve so much better.

Keep posting, keep reading, it will help.

ReflectingOnMe

As are very secretive with the extent of their addictions..by telling his brother you are now outside what my axbf referred to as the "circle of trust" obviously a mockery because he was the most dishonest person i have ever dealt with. I know this is painful for you; I have been there; but this is a gift to you. A chance to begin afresh. Sending you hugs.

DreamsofSerenity

Thank you, everyone, for the much needed support. My friends who have never been through anything like this think I am literally nuts, which I guess I am. Strangers who have been through similar situations begin to feel like true friends. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself; I may not like it but have accepted it. I am re-reading Codependents No More for the third time, and will keep going to Al Anon. I know that I have been blessed by this latest incident, and that this is the way out I could never seem to find myself. Will check out everything you suggested to read as it truly helps more than anything else. This website is a blessing!!!

ZiggyB

Hi,
I am so sorry. I really felt the same way that my BF chose a relationship with drinking over me.

Maybe he realized the relationship was unhealthy and he needed to get out of the situation. I can definitely relate to all the feelings of unworthiness and betrayal. It's interesting how being in a relationship with a verbal abuser triggers these feelings as well.

I know it is difficult in the short term, but in the long run you will be much better off and hopefully find someone you're compatible with.

fluffyflea

Focus on the negative of the relationship and as I,m sure you know biting a breast so hard it bleeds is totally sick. He blew you off because you called his brother and blew his cover. We get as addicted to them as they get to alcohol.

brokenrose

Hi Erica....My exabf had done similar things to me when we were together and he was drunk, one time while kissing, he bit my lip so hard, it bled and the next day it was so swollen it looked like I had had an allergic reaction to something, he thought it was so funny, and then said well I must have been really turned on....our relationship was much like yours, he'd break up with me for nothing, disappear for a few days an done time for exactly 2 weeks but then like clockwork as you said, he came back. Until this time, almost 3 months ago now, I complained about him seeing and getting drunk with his buddy 2 x in one week, and poof, he disappeared but did not come back, when I finally called he said, I had blabbed to all my friends about him, and mostly we were done because I was boring....sigh. I now truly understand that what all these people tell you is true, the minute you become less of an enabler, and become a roadblock to their drinking, they will get rid of the obstacle, eventhough days prior he was telling you how much he loves you and can't imagine life without you....I am getting better. The first month I was a mess, I sought counselling and read literally everything I could on this forun and elsewhere.....I promise it will get better for us. Remember they are the ones with the addiction and without help they will only get worse. You did nothing wrong, and one day he will understand that you acted out of love.....all the best, stay strong.

DreamsofSerenity

Hey Brokenrose. I'm sorry you had to go through something so similar. I think I've moved from despair to anger. I'm like "WTF? I stood by you for all that time, and put up with all your crap, and now you are leaving ME?" The person I'm the most mad at though, is myself for being such an idiot. The irony of the situation is that the entire time we were together, he used his belief that he loved me more than I loved him as an excuse to drink and lash out at me. Of course this is absurd as he was incapable of love. Do you think your exbf has other underlying mental health issues?*Why did he come and go? Is this something alcoholics normally do?*

BoxinRotz

Any man that tries to eat a woman in the bedroom or while showing affection needs help and needs to be ALONE!

God, if my husband did that to me in the bedroom, he would be in a world of hurt and it would turn into a fight of survival. You just don't do that to someone especially in the act of love making!!! So many things I want to say but you all know where I may be going with this so I am going to take my dad's advice and keep my fingers quiet because if I don't.... oooooooeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

DreamsofSerenity

I totally agree, and it only happened that once. I talked about it because: it a) Illustrated how drunk he was; b) showed how incapable he was of ever apologizing; c) shows how screwed up I was to carry on with someone who did that to me, and took no responsibility for it whatsoever. Also, I should add that there are women who like that kind of thing during sex, although I do not happen to be one of them. As we all know, nothing is so black and white as to preclude any ambivalence on our parts. When
he wasn't being an abusive drunk, he was a gentle and oddly sensitive man. Actually, I think his sensivity is what made him such a powerful manipulator, and so able to deliver emotional pain when he wanted to. Anyway, yes I know he crossed a line and I should have walked away but the guy had some alluring qualities that I have never found in another man. I don't need to be thinking about those good qualities right now though!

Freedom1990

In addition to what has already been suggested, I highly recommend the book "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. I had a pattern with abusive men and it was like that book was written for me.

I also found that therapy has helped immensely in dealing with unresolved childhood issues that obviously bled over into my adult life.

Sending you hugs of support!

brokenrose

Hi Erika....I will send you a private message on exactly it all went down and how many times he came and went and all the misery and anxiety his actions caused me, it will provide you with more insight. Many of the women on this forun did say that many of the alcoholics pull the vanishing act and then return after a few days but usually its for a binge.....I"m sure each time mine did that it was for both, to binge without repercussions from me but also bc I may have made a comment about how his drinking affected me...I am glad you have moved on to the anger stage, I was there too but unfortuntely once the holidays came around, the anger vanished and I felt so depressed and alone...I am just starting to turn the corner and realising that life goes on and it is a lot less stressful without him. Check your private messages, I will send you one soon. Stay angry for now, but don't do anything vengeful, its not worth it, just let it go....his life is already miserable and he knows it deep down. Hugs

EnglishGarden

I'm sorry you have been through so much pain and trauma, Erika.

You will find these articles on Cynical One's blog very helpful:

[go to the blue bar at the top of the page and click "blogs" then "blog search" and "Cynical One"]

The blog has several pages of excellent articles and these are a few that will help:

page 4: select "Mental Abuse"
page 5: select "Eight Easy Ways to Spot an Emotional Manipulator"
page 5: select "When It's Time to Leave Your Alcoholic"
page 7: select "The Black Hole: Trauma and Addiction"
page 15: select "Signs of Verbal and Emotional Abuse"

Your history with a narcissistic father has made you very vulnerable to abusive men. It might be a good idea to get some counseling for what is called "trauma bonding". Many of us here found ourselves bonded to people who re-enacted for us earlier childhood trauma. It is as if Life needs us to heal, so it is all reactivated to give us a chance to deal with it as adults. Making it conscious so we won't unconsciously repeat toxic, traumatic bonding.

Take good care of yourself. He is punishing you with silence, a classic tactic of narcissists and addicts.

ZiggyB

I was thinking about this today as well...

All those years I put up with his crap, what was I expecting to get out of it? He said he was so in love with me and wanted to work things out. The only thing it did in the end was hurt me. Lesson learned: don't put up with so much crap. :-P

ChivonYvette

Hey DOS,

I read your story and my heart goes out to you. I'm sure (I hope) that you're doing better now. I think for me him biting me that way would have put me not only in a state of shock, but also fear. It sucks that he cut you off the way he did! As you know and I am learning alcoholics are virtually incapable of love. Its so confusing though, its like if someone is incapable of love, how do they show the emotion that draws us in to begin with? Yes, there are always "red flags but many of them can be dismissed, or if we are uneducated about alcoholism misinterpreted. Anyhoo, I'm glad you were able to get out, even though it was painful. Many times God gives us an exit cuz He knows we would never leave on our own.

DreamsofSerenity

Hi Chivon,

That is a very good question about how they are able to show the emotion that draws us in in the first place. I actually have no idea. Maybe they are acting, and we are fellow actors in their narcissistic plays. Or maybe they love us, but in the sense a child or a pet loves us; it's a love based on fulfilling their needs more than anything else.

What was so incredibly stupid about my relationship was how often we fought because he said I didn't love HIM enough. He used to throw tantrums all the time, just like a child, because he purportedly loved me more than I loved him. Then he'd tell me how heartless I was for not understanding how badly that made him feel. At first I tried to reassure him but then it just became exhausting because I realized I could never fill that hole in him, only the alcohol could. And in the end, that's what he chose!

I am much better now, thanks. You will get there too. Unfortunately it takes time....I hope you are getting some sleep!

wicked

My pets and children loved/love me unconditionally. Innocence is what comes to my mind. There is nothing pure or innocent about a sick alcoholic using the word love to hurt others. They do not know love and are incapable of it.

Narcissists use the word love to punish people. My ex used that to call me cold and unloving, more proof that I did not deserve love.

DoS,

I had an alcoholic father too.
I am still working on un learning my mistaken beliefs about love, loyalty and family.
(wait! that just reminded me of "The Godfather". )
The further I get from the idea that I have to earn love, the better I feel.

Thank you so much for posting your truth DoS.

Beth