So i got a response
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 73
So i got a response
Some of you may have remembered my previous post a week ago. Just talked to my ex after a week for an explanation. Of course when his parents went to his house after I took his phone and found the texts about him wanting to pick up prescription drugs (which he had been in rehab for a year ago), and phone calls in and out to the people he used to buy them from all week, they never drug tested him like they used to. Just believed that I was a crazy person.
So here's the explanation I got from him. "I know it was a stupid choice of me but I was not doing drugs. I was buying them to mail them to a friend who lives out of the country." Now, yes, his friend just moved out of the country and we both know he does drugs.
Like I'm really supposed to buy this garbage? It's so hard. Why in the world would would someone go mail drugs to someone cuz he's apparently such a good friend. This is, by the way that was at his house Xmas night when he blcoked me and wouldn't take my calls over the holidays! And of course it doesn't explain why all the clals in and out to the same people he bought drugs from for a week straight before I found his texts.
Last night he told me he is sorry for the way he got angry at me during holidays and he wanted to explain. I told him I would call him after my daughter went to bed. Of course no answer so I sent texts telling him I needed to block him, that this relationship is just going to ruin my life, etc. I woke up to a ton of texts saying he was sorry, he fell asleep, begging me to call him and he tried to call and was blcoked, that he will never forgive himself for treating me that way during the holidays, that he will do whatever he can to make it up to me and explain why he felt a certain way, etc.
So I sent texts this morning just saying this relationship was going to destroy my life if I continue to stay in it and I can't do it to myself.
I know it is the right thing to do. The answers are right in front of my face. He was calling his old dealers, blocking me, turned vicious and ignored me, etc. Why is it so hard to just let go and know they are lying? He is lying to me and I know it. It's so hard to just keep blocking him and not call him to hear his explanation. Inside me, I just believe it will all be lies. I know there are alot of wise people on this forum that can help keep me sane today and tell me I am NOT crazy for not believing a drug addict can just call old dealers and plan on picking up drugs just to mail them to a friend!!!
So here's the explanation I got from him. "I know it was a stupid choice of me but I was not doing drugs. I was buying them to mail them to a friend who lives out of the country." Now, yes, his friend just moved out of the country and we both know he does drugs.
Like I'm really supposed to buy this garbage? It's so hard. Why in the world would would someone go mail drugs to someone cuz he's apparently such a good friend. This is, by the way that was at his house Xmas night when he blcoked me and wouldn't take my calls over the holidays! And of course it doesn't explain why all the clals in and out to the same people he bought drugs from for a week straight before I found his texts.
Last night he told me he is sorry for the way he got angry at me during holidays and he wanted to explain. I told him I would call him after my daughter went to bed. Of course no answer so I sent texts telling him I needed to block him, that this relationship is just going to ruin my life, etc. I woke up to a ton of texts saying he was sorry, he fell asleep, begging me to call him and he tried to call and was blcoked, that he will never forgive himself for treating me that way during the holidays, that he will do whatever he can to make it up to me and explain why he felt a certain way, etc.
So I sent texts this morning just saying this relationship was going to destroy my life if I continue to stay in it and I can't do it to myself.
I know it is the right thing to do. The answers are right in front of my face. He was calling his old dealers, blocking me, turned vicious and ignored me, etc. Why is it so hard to just let go and know they are lying? He is lying to me and I know it. It's so hard to just keep blocking him and not call him to hear his explanation. Inside me, I just believe it will all be lies. I know there are alot of wise people on this forum that can help keep me sane today and tell me I am NOT crazy for not believing a drug addict can just call old dealers and plan on picking up drugs just to mail them to a friend!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I'm sorry that you are experiencing this. Yes...you will find a lot of people supporting your reality and reassuring you. I've found though, that until I believe it for myself all I ever do is seek that reassurance from other people. It's like I don't trust myself or my own reality when I do that.
When I've been in those situations (which I am sorry to admit have been ALOT) I know the answer is to throw myself into reading meditations, going to meetings, working with a sponsor. Those are the ways that I've learned to hear myself and my own truth.
I always wanted to believe the lies and the stories. I always hoped that if I talked it out with my ex that I might hear SOMETHING that would justify my continued involvement. I would look for any crumb that made sense for me to continue to "work with him" and stick it out. It was really painful to just step away finally - but in the end I realized that it was for the best. My life is a whole lot happier without all of the confusion.
If you keep doing what you need to do to take care of you there will come a day when you know longer want or need explanations from him. I never understood addiction as well as I did once I truly began to go no contact with my ex. I had no idea how addicted I was to his apologies and his explanations. It created some weird excitement or "juice" to my life that made me feel more alive. I had become addicted to the drama and it was tough to get used to the concept of smoother sailing in my life.
Thinking about you and hope that you will find some peace today.
When I've been in those situations (which I am sorry to admit have been ALOT) I know the answer is to throw myself into reading meditations, going to meetings, working with a sponsor. Those are the ways that I've learned to hear myself and my own truth.
I always wanted to believe the lies and the stories. I always hoped that if I talked it out with my ex that I might hear SOMETHING that would justify my continued involvement. I would look for any crumb that made sense for me to continue to "work with him" and stick it out. It was really painful to just step away finally - but in the end I realized that it was for the best. My life is a whole lot happier without all of the confusion.
If you keep doing what you need to do to take care of you there will come a day when you know longer want or need explanations from him. I never understood addiction as well as I did once I truly began to go no contact with my ex. I had no idea how addicted I was to his apologies and his explanations. It created some weird excitement or "juice" to my life that made me feel more alive. I had become addicted to the drama and it was tough to get used to the concept of smoother sailing in my life.
Thinking about you and hope that you will find some peace today.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I remember going to the store where I saw my husband sitting in his running car with money in his hand. I saw a "friend" there as well who tried to avoid me. I KNEW my husband was there buying pills from him. He tried to convince me that he owed this "friend" money from a purchase a long time ago and needed to pay him back.
Although, I knew it was a lie yet I actually entertained it. Why would he find a need to pay him back.....why did he need to make things right with a dealer if he stopped using, oh the list can go on and on.
I wanted to believe him. I really did. I was trying to make sense of something that was crazy making for me. I repeatedly tried to put a square block in a round hole because I did not like my options. I didn't want to face reality and make the hard choice. Believing him would erase the truth about his addiction, the pain, the conflicts within me and allow me NOT to make a needed choice for me.
I remember telling my sister and she said "Are you kidding me?? Are you actually believing that BS for even a second. Please, please tell me....YOU are not that F*** up." Her words hit me like a ton of bricks........I was and I needed help!!!
P.S. A couple weeks later, he told me why he was there. He was there trying to buy pills - which of course I already new but had been struggling with my own truth, my own addiction (to him) and my reality of what I was going to do. I thought denial was so much easier then the truth until the truth kept revealing itself over and over again and I could no longer ignore it. Eventually, I realized the truth would set me free and denial would keep me chained and keep me "f**** up." Gotta love my sister!!
Although, I knew it was a lie yet I actually entertained it. Why would he find a need to pay him back.....why did he need to make things right with a dealer if he stopped using, oh the list can go on and on.
I wanted to believe him. I really did. I was trying to make sense of something that was crazy making for me. I repeatedly tried to put a square block in a round hole because I did not like my options. I didn't want to face reality and make the hard choice. Believing him would erase the truth about his addiction, the pain, the conflicts within me and allow me NOT to make a needed choice for me.
I remember telling my sister and she said "Are you kidding me?? Are you actually believing that BS for even a second. Please, please tell me....YOU are not that F*** up." Her words hit me like a ton of bricks........I was and I needed help!!!
P.S. A couple weeks later, he told me why he was there. He was there trying to buy pills - which of course I already new but had been struggling with my own truth, my own addiction (to him) and my reality of what I was going to do. I thought denial was so much easier then the truth until the truth kept revealing itself over and over again and I could no longer ignore it. Eventually, I realized the truth would set me free and denial would keep me chained and keep me "f**** up." Gotta love my sister!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 73
Is this typical response? These are texts I'm getting.
If I was on drugs I would at least feel like I had a reason for this but I think I'm really lost.
I don't think I understand what has happened to you. I know I need to make changes and see someone but I won't go on mood stabilizing drugs!
I'm selfish but I think it's much worse. I don't want to be me anymore.
I hate myself for everything I am. I'm tired of what I have become. I'm lost cause and don't blame you for wanting better. I can never make up for what I've done.
I hide myself away because I know what I am.
I never deserved to have you. I'm not ever gonna know what real people are like.
It goes on and on and on........
If I was on drugs I would at least feel like I had a reason for this but I think I'm really lost.
I don't think I understand what has happened to you. I know I need to make changes and see someone but I won't go on mood stabilizing drugs!
I'm selfish but I think it's much worse. I don't want to be me anymore.
I hate myself for everything I am. I'm tired of what I have become. I'm lost cause and don't blame you for wanting better. I can never make up for what I've done.
I hide myself away because I know what I am.
I never deserved to have you. I'm not ever gonna know what real people are like.
It goes on and on and on........
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by Angel1234 
Is this typical response? These are texts I'm getting.
If I was on drugs I would at least feel like I had a reason for this but I think I'm really lost.
I don't think I understand what has happened to you. I know I need to make changes and see someone but I won't go on mood stabilizing drugs!
I'm selfish but I think it's much worse. I don't want to be me anymore.
I hate myself for everything I am. I'm tired of what I have become. I'm lost cause and don't blame you for wanting better. I can never make up for what I've done.
I hide myself away because I know what I am.
I never deserved to have you. I'm not ever gonna know what real people are like.
It goes on and on and on........
If I was on drugs I would at least feel like I had a reason for this but I think I'm really lost.
I don't think I understand what has happened to you. I know I need to make changes and see someone but I won't go on mood stabilizing drugs!
I'm selfish but I think it's much worse. I don't want to be me anymore.
I hate myself for everything I am. I'm tired of what I have become. I'm lost cause and don't blame you for wanting better. I can never make up for what I've done.
I hide myself away because I know what I am.
I never deserved to have you. I'm not ever gonna know what real people are like.
It goes on and on and on........
I'm sorry you are going through this but you are right this relationship is destroying you and it's good that you realize that..
I can't even tell you how many lies that my EXAH told me.. I'm sure there were more lies then I ever wanted to know about... I felt like my whole marriage was a lie..
The one whopper that stands out though is the first time I actually found evidence of him using drugs.. I found a huge zip lock bag full of hydro condone and another smaller bag of pot.. His response was I'm not taking them I'm just selling them.. Like that made it all better :/
They lie to us and they lie to themselves.... Best to step off the crazy train now and just block and walk...
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Verrrrrrrrrry typical.
Translation.......please take pity me! I need you - to help protect and sustain my addiction. Having you in my life, makes me look and think I am OK. See.........the problem isn't that bad.
Translation.......please take pity me! I need you - to help protect and sustain my addiction. Having you in my life, makes me look and think I am OK. See.........the problem isn't that bad.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
I heard something the other day that stuck with me....."when we make lousy choices about people we do so to confirm our own lack of self esteem".
Have you considered getting some professional help to learn how to set and enforce healthy boundaries? All children deserve a mama who can teach them how to allow others to treat them.
Have you considered getting some professional help to learn how to set and enforce healthy boundaries? All children deserve a mama who can teach them how to allow others to treat them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 73
My boundaries is that I don't want someone in my life who is going to lie to me. No one who does drugs. No one who goes off in rages when I did nothing to deserve it. No one who continues to cover up what they are doing.
I guess thsoe are my answers......my ex is someone who is continuing to do this to me over and over so I must shut him out for good. That's the reality I didn't want to accept but it's true.
I guess thsoe are my answers......my ex is someone who is continuing to do this to me over and over so I must shut him out for good. That's the reality I didn't want to accept but it's true.
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