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im a total idiot

Old 01-19-2013, 02:41 PM
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Angry im a total idiot

hi guys,, im so used to coming on here and being positive,, i am in general,, i try so hard to make people happy and smile,, even if i do not know you in person, i feel like i am your friend, i like to make you giggle too.
yet i am a failure,, tonight,, i pondered, over earlier reading lots of posts,, answering some,, not much help,, but also ,, i was v v happy,,,and my silly snowlady too,, lol,,hehehe
i have drank,, i was stupid ,, and i had some brandy,
its not even my demon drink,, i only had it v v rarely in a hot toddy,, but tonight ,, i had it neat , i hid it from my hubby,,, and i feel like shitex
im not drunk,, i know that,, ive had only enough to recognise that im not myself,, and that i am so v v v v ashamed.
i have left my hubby downstairs to watch his football,, to come to bed to write this and im crying,, i feel so bad,, ,,
i dont even know why i did it xx oh gee im an idiot,, ive been doing so v v v good,, nearly hittin my 3 month mark ,, yet i am a feckin hypocrite really,, i am a ****.
sorry to go on,, sorry to swear , sorry i let you down sr,, sorry i let my family and me down ,, oh gee ,, oh gee ,,,
help??????
lv and big hugs as normal xx cleo xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

bugga it xxx

Last edited by Cleopatra1; 01-19-2013 at 02:43 PM. Reason: spelling
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Old 01-19-2013, 02:47 PM
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Cleo, I don't know why I did either, it's always "dumb" when we do it. I'm not knocking you either because helloooooooooooooooooo... I had almost five years and I went on a bender, NO BEUNO!!!!

I hope you don't have any left, and if you do, please go dump in down the sink or toilet. Get it away from you! :ghug3
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Old 01-19-2013, 02:47 PM
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I too promised myself many many times that I will not drink, no matter what.

However, somehow my alcoholic mind would trick me into picking up that bottle of wine after work etc.

You are not an idiot, nor a failure. You are sick person that needs to do more in order to get and stay sober...

Sobriety comes first. Always.

Do you still have alcohol in your house ? That's a big NO for someone just getting sober....
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Old 01-19-2013, 02:48 PM
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You're not an idiot, don't beat yourself up too badly. Now what's the plan?
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Old 01-19-2013, 02:49 PM
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No sweetie, you are not an idiot you are an alcoholic and that is what alcoholics
do, until they find a 'new' way to live.

One thing, we cannot seem to do it by ourselves and do need support of others,
and if those others are alcoholics in recovery so much the better.

Now I know you can find some face to face alcoholics in recovery in AA meetings
in the UK. Even if AA is not your 'cup of tea' it won't hurt to go for the fellowship
and to meet other 'sober' folks. IF AA may be your 'cup of tea' all the better.

Also check out our Secular Forums here for other forms of recovery that help us
to get into a different 'mindset' about ourselves and the alcohol and/or drugs.

So, dry your eyes, read about the site some more, and pick yourself up and keep
going with the NOT drinking.

We are here for you, you didn't do anything that many of us have also done be-
fore finally starting to get this 'sobriety thing' working in our lives.

Lots of love and plenty of hugs,
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Old 01-19-2013, 02:50 PM
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I went to an AA speaker meeting years ago and the man talked about feeling that he had to please people all of the time. He needed approval. I am not advocating AA. That is a personal choice but when I read how you want to make people happy all the time I remembered that man. I am like that too.
I can be sitting in my Drs office being told I have COPD and I can find a way to make a joke. It's like if I see someone laughing it takes away the real negativity of a situation. Cleo the good news is that you can be an upbeat positive person. That will help you deal with this. It will be a memory someday. You want to live sober and you will get what you want. Don't give up.
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Old 01-19-2013, 02:51 PM
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You can re-start your day any time you like , the only moment we have power over is now ..
Bestwishes, M
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Old 01-19-2013, 02:51 PM
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Hey Cleo. Big big hugs to you xxx.

Your posts are just a ray of sunshine on this forum, I always enjoy reading them.
Your ability to make people smile is a gift.

Now there's life after relapse....it's not the end of the world ok?

I was in the same position as you in May, I had gone a couple of months, then I drank one night. I was devastated, I felt ashamed, all the same feelings you have expressed. But I'm now nearly 8 months sober.
There is no need to say sorry to us, we all understand and support!

Get rid of the booze. Don't drink any more.
Tomorrow is a new day.

You can do this.
I believe in you xxx
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Old 01-19-2013, 02:58 PM
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thank you guys so much,, i really need you tonite,, like never before,, i had a plan,, i stuck to it,, i did oh so well,, then ,,boom, wtf, i just dunno wot happened today???
i was fine till like 7pm,, then ,, yep , i went to the shop to get bread and milk and stuff,, and just grabbed a bot of brandy,, a lil one,, but i stood there for like 5 mins, seemed longer, , and i never go down that aisle,, i just grabbed it and thought , , **** it,, im so bored,
i now feel bad, cos i sound like such a ****** hypocrite,, i hate it,,
i really was doing so well,, never had any probs,, and now im crying like a big freckin babby,,, i guess some may say,, "too cocky",, or whatever,, and they are right,, but im so darn angry,, im coming up to my 3 month mark ,,, and now ive blown it,, i dont wanna start at bloody day one again,, its too hard,,, can i just get over this and carry on??
or do i have to go back to day one???
aaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

oh guys im sorry,, i just had no one to talk to bout this,, i guess, in my own head i was saying to myself the other day,, "im only here to make a gigle"? ,, i dont ever cry or get sad, or share xx well a lesson learnt here ok,,
i will stop being so darn positive,, and so silly,, im sorry guys i really am.
darn it x lv cleo xxxxxxxxxxxx
just darn it x
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Old 01-19-2013, 03:07 PM
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YES! You CAN get over this and carry on!!

Drinking is what we do. You can analyse why it happened...boredom....complacency whatever. You will learn from it. You will pick yourself up and get back on track.

The alternative isn't worth thinking about.

Get rid of the drink.

You can absolutely get over this xxxx
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Old 01-19-2013, 03:08 PM
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Originally Posted by escapist View Post
I can be sitting in my Drs office being told I have COPD and I can find a way to make a joke. It's like if I see someone laughing it takes away the real negativity of a situation.
I'm the same way. My therapist has noted that I tend to direct us away from sensitive subjects by making a joke.

As for being a failure, cut yourself some slack. You're not sh*tfaced. You just broke a promise to yourself.

I invited a guy from AA over my house for dinner. I was drinking beer while I cooked. It was taking so long that I went ahead and ate something else while I was still cooking.

When he arrived I was really buzzed. I served him the food and we talked while he ate by himself. The food came out good, but then when I went to stand up, I fell down.

The next day I called him to apologize, saying I felt pathetic and he said, "You're not pathetic. You're just an alcoholic, and that's what alcoholics do."

If I dwelled on how many times I stopped and started again, that would be enough to drive me to drink.

I long for the day when it's a non-issue, and if someone asks why I don't drink I can say, "I gave it up for Lent."
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Old 01-19-2013, 03:16 PM
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Cleo - Sending love over there to you. Stop being mean to yourself. You owe us no apology.

I hope you'll continue to be your cheerful and positive self. That's part of who you are. Just remember we're here to share the pain and tears, too. I think it's great that you shared what happened with us - that's what we're all here for - to hold each other up when we fall. You'll be stronger and more determined now. It's going to be ok.
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Old 01-19-2013, 03:18 PM
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yep.. i have no more in the home,, i chucked it,, and thank you all ,, such love when i dont give any myself just stupid bloody posts,, like look at my friggin snow lady xx lol,,,
ive learnt a big lesson tonite,,, and wow,, thank you for being here for me,, i can take a bit from you all, and renaldo,, yep,, im always one for making people feel better ,, maybe i should listen to my own advice lol
i dont know where i would be if i didnt join here last oct,,, i have so many friends,, you all really know what its like ,and thats so amazing to me,,, i always thought i was the only one,
thank you , you loves,, you all are loves to me xxxx
i have no booze at all, and i will not drink again,,
its my birthday on tuesday , and i didnt even wanna drink then,, so maybe this is a pre warning??/ relapse??
thank you xxxxxxxxxxxx
lv a kinda red eyed (from crying so much ) cleo xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 01-19-2013, 03:30 PM
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Go off to bed and start again tomorrow.
And, keep being your lovely self.
I had many stops and starts at the beginning, and would be devastated when I drank again!
I just knew that once I made the decision to stop, I would get it eventually.
I think it is great that you came on here and talked about it.
You will be fine.
All part of Cleo's journey.
:ghug3
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Old 01-19-2013, 03:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Cleopatra1 View Post
you all really know what its like ,and thats so amazing to me,,, i always thought i was the only one
Not by a long shot. I was resistant to attending my first AA meeting, but when I walked in, it was a really big one and my first thought was, 'man, there's no shortage of alcoholics in this town.'

When the speaker described his process, there were enough similarities that there was no way I could walk out of there and feel alone or like a freak of nature.

I met someone and he said, "there's a certain joke being played by the universe that only alcoholics get."

As for wanting to make other people feel better, Ozzy Osbourne said, "I've always wanted to make people feel better. In high school I couldn't stand to see people depressed, so I was always doing something to get a laugh out of them, like hanging myself from the door or something."

I try to strike a balance between saying light hearted humorous stuff and addressing serious issues. On this forum, even the light hearted stuff contains a kernel of addressing the issues - just seeing the irony of it, like the guy who spoke at an AA meeting. He said that the first meeting he attended he avoided talking to people because he was afraid they might figure out that he was an alcoholic.
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Old 01-19-2013, 03:38 PM
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Well I, for one, liked the snow lady.
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Old 01-19-2013, 03:47 PM
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I'm sorry you are feeling so bad about your slip. The fact that you do is a good thing.Obviously if you didn't,you would be right back drinking still . I had a few slips too and felt the same way too. But I have faith you will get back on track. Sometimes this takes a long time for some. I'm one of those. But I'm not giving up. I want this badly. Cheer up,2mrrw is a new day, a new beginning. All is not lost. :ghug3
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Old 01-19-2013, 03:48 PM
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i guess she was quite cute,, ok off to bed now,, i got a nice cup of camomile tea ,, and feel so much better now,, ive stopped crying , ive gotta grow up ,, or grow a pair???
mmm, not sure which one will be best for me ,,
hey hoo,, nite to my lovies on sr,, i owe you one ,, big time, lv u all
hugs x cleo xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 01-19-2013, 04:10 PM
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No..dont call my friend an idiot!! I loved your snow angel and furthermore the Valerian capsules you recommended worked!! Thank you so much.
hope you are feeling better today.
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Old 01-19-2013, 04:23 PM
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Poor decision, but it's not the end of the world.

Learn from this, move on and endeavour to never have a day one again.
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