Crazed

It wasn't me, I swear. She still has things at my house and called me to make arrangements to pick them up tomorrow. As usual, call got teary on both sides. No matter what she says, and how much she says she loves me and this is best for our relationship (which she again said):

I cannot see past her statement of "I have set my boundaries with my relationship with the 3rd party. My relationship with him has nothing to do with my relationship with you."

And more comments about all of her resentments towards me and how she is having a hard time getting over them. Not much respect for my resentments for her her contribution (you know, the big elephant in the room - THE AFFAIR!)

Katiekate

Let her get her stuff, try not to be there when she comes.

Sounds like no contest is best.

You guys are stuck in the stacked resentment blame game.

You don't trust her with this other relationship, I dont blame you.

She has made it clear she is not giving it up.

You need a break to sort things out.

m1k3

I only deal with my AW through email. I don't answer her calls and she learned not to call because I won't answer and won't listen to the voice mails.

I find it easier to deal with her through email because I can give myself some distance, I can't hear the emotion in her voice and I can't interact directly. I can take my time and send a response based only on what needs to be done, like her picking up some stuff. I ignore the rest and don't get caught up in the tennis match any more.

Your friend,

marie1960

" cannot see past her statement of "I have set my boundaries with my relationship with the 3rd party. My relationship with him has nothing to do with my relationship with you."

^^^^^^^^are you effin kidding???????? She is truly one sick, selfish, self obsorbed woman......

I feel the famous movie line coming,......... Oh here it is,

FRANKLY MY DEAR, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN...... and I would have hung up the phone.

I'd set her stuff out at the curb and that would be the end of that. Sure hope you you are not planning to be home when she picks up her things. This is just a game to her, nothing good is going to come of it, just another famous final scene of crapola...... shame on her, don't take the bait..........

FireSprite

Oh Crazed, your posts wrench at my heart. I remember too clearly the early days of dealing with this fallout & how confusing & fast moving everything seemed to be. My instinct was to hold tight & try to force everything back into place but the circular thinking & blame-shifting just drove me up a wall. Much later I understood that this wasn't instinct, it was just my desire to control the situation (total codie reaction) & that actually, I had been ignoring my instincts/not trusting myself which is really what was making me feel so off-balance. Too much of my world had become defined by AH's identity & behaviors, even though I rationalized it to myself in a million ways.

Eventually I learned to stop interacting & 'drop the rope' in our proverbial tug of war. It was such a tremendous relief and allowed me to step back, gain clarity, work on detaching & proceed with boundaries.

Save yourself! Get some distance, it really is the very best gift you can give yourself right now!

:ghug3

Crazed

Thank you all. I am torn between being sad and being pissed. She moved out- I really have no say in the other relationship, and I do believe it is not my business - NOW. It just bothers me that although she says she is sincerely sorry about it, I truly do not feel any sense of remorse or real guilt.

Blame game is correct - it is all about her resentments towards ME. WTF!!!

She also stated that my actions are pushing her towards him, and I make it hard for her to tell me the truth. This is a 43 year old woman!

Cut the rope, cut the rope, cut the rope

Recovering2

She is definitely in control of this, including in control of your emotions. And it's obviously detrimental to your health. You need to put a stop to it at some point. I would put here things in the garage, or in front of the door. Send her a text letting her know when/where she can pick them up....then don't be home when she does. Go No Contact. You really need to stop letting her make decisions for you and take your life back.
I'm sorry if this is harsh, but you are making yourself crazy....as we all have at one time or another. Listen to those of us who found our way out of the chaos......set your own boundaries and don't let her cross them.

ZiggyB

Let her go! Just do it... lol

Crazed

I'm not wasting time moving her stuff to the garage - lots of it. Heck, stuff in 2 attics, etc. She has 2 friends from AA coming tomorrow to help her. I will not be here. I have told her to text me when she is done. Minimal contact.

ReflectingOnMe

Not easy to do! super Proud of you!

LexieCat

Yes, cut the rope, and do not--repeat--do NOT--respond in any fashion other than to give her her stuff back.

Don't stress over crazy-making statements or behavior. Don't let yourself be provoked.

Get your mind off her and on to the rest of your life. You said you were 40-ish? Plan a great vacation or something. Go do something (not involving meeting someone else just yet) that will be a nice indulgence for yourself. Man, I wish *I* was still 40. You've got a long life ahead of you. Don't waste another minute on this train wreck.

lettinggoagain

crazed....i dont know if this helps but i was told when i started my no contact that the first week was the hardest and it was...but i am almost at two weeks of it now and my strength and happiness has improved DRAMATICALLY. I really urge you to try it....go to emails like suggested above...so you can still deal with things that need it...but you wont have that emotion attached.,,it really does work....i am living proof
you will still have all of the feelings you have now, but you wont have her digging in and making it worse....so you will begin to heal and it WILL get easier...

FireSprite

Totally agree with this! And I think I can almost guarantee that once she truly realizes your behavior has changed & you are enforcing your boundaries, she will start reacting & try to provoke your old responses. Don't get sucked in! When you disengage she has only herself to drive crazy.

Tuffgirl

I love this! I remember the moment when I dropped that rope myself. I remember where I was, what I was thinking, and the crashing realization that I can affect no change here, so quit trying, right? Seemed so easy, yet took so long to get to that place. And once I did, it felt like the clouds parted, the sun came out again, and birds were chirping! It really had a profound effect on me.

Now, coming up on a year later, I can honestly say it was the best damn decision I have made in a long time. It wasn't easy, and it was very painful at first, but here I am today, life is good, and it was worth it.