LadySage

Yesterday I left.

A year ago we meet.

8 months ago he relapsed after 7 months sober. I believe his sincere apology, promise to get back on it and promise to show me everyday through his actions the man he wanted to be for me and our small future family. I believed it when he said I was amazing, unique and special. That he heard my concerns and deeply cared.

8 months ago he kept drinking anyway, 6 beers a night that I could see, probably more than those I could see.

4 months ago we got married. I really believed our family and our strong love could make it work. I lived in a state of alcohol induced fights, detachment, chaos, escalated drinking, prescription painkiller abuse and sadness. My husband has accused me of cheating, being a gold-digger, being impure, being a bad parent, being perpetually miserable, being a c**nt, being a nag. He has detached from me and sunk into his own world. Hiding text messages, talking to girls on facebook and writing stories about romances past on his computer.

1 month ago he decided to get sober. He had a seizure after two days and shook like an earthquake. He thought maybe his seizure was due to old head hits in college.

2 weeks ago he relapsed on NYE, hard. He got so drunk I monitored him for alcohol poisoning signs and he eventually scared me so much I had to go to my dads at 4am in the morning. My step-dad took him to AA the next day and he went to a few meetings, missed a few meetings. Thought maybe AA wasn't for him since he has no HP. Blah Blah Blah.

2 days ago he relapsed again.

Yesterday...I LEFT. He berated me than appealed to me swearing that I was the love of his life, would regret bailing and would miss out on the best version of him. He swore he would get back on the wagon.

Today, he asked a woman to go on a date with him in a few weeks for drinks/dinner. A woman he had been messaging and facebooking while were together.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!

I am SO glad to be free from his LIES and the inability to live anything but a lie.

I am glad to be free of his PROMISES. Promises that may or may not ever come to be.

I am glad to be free from his LOVE. His loving words couldn't repair the heart hurt by lies, insults and detachment.

I'm looking forward to looking to working on me and going to ACOA. Taking a little time to hurt past wounds and become stronger.

I'm looking forward to building a bright future for me and my daughter. One that doesn't carry the fear of relapses or failed recovery efforts.

I FEEL FREE! (and sad....)

LexieCat

Your marriage was only slightly shorter than my second one, which ended for similar reasons. Yes, it's sad--hard to let go of the dreams we had, and hard to let go of the idea that they are SO CLOSE to being what they could be... if only they would quit drinking.

Hugs, you will get through this, and you do, indeed, have a bright future ahead of you.

guulan

sincere best wishes as you make this journey and transition. I think you will be just fine.

sparkerly

goodness.
how can they easily say "your the love of my life" and hurt us? sigh I just don't get it.

very happy you're strong, sending good vibes to you!

Seren

Hello LadySage, and Welcome!

I'm sorry that you have been through so much. Your story is not unfamiliar here. You have found a great place for support and information, and we are glad you are here--but not for the reason why.

Welcome!

LadySage

Thank you all, this is such a hard situation.


I'm moving out either way but i'm really wrestling with the questions of "can this be saved" "is he a good person when sober". When we fell in love I was so enamored with him and really believed when he told me just how much he loved me.

However, I feel that his actions to date haven't reflected his sometimes kind words and that I no longer know if the man I thought I fell in love with was the person he claimed to be.

Maybe his behavior was due to the alcoholism but maybe he isn't going to be any better sober.

Ugh, such a tough call!!!!!!!!!!!!

lillamy

Hi LadySage. I think a lot of us have wrestled with exactly that question. For me, the answer became easy as my AXH's disease progressed. The memory of the "Good" him fainted and the reality of the "Alcoholic" him was there all day, every day.

Someone said here recently that it's dangerous to fall in love with somebody's potential. That both means we're falling in love with a dream, and that we're not really in love with another person, but with our idea of who that person could be once we get through changing them.

Which is not really love -- other than that we're in love with our own idea of some ideal guy that this guy could become, we think -- and it's not really treating the other person with respect either.

I personally would have a difficult time investing in a relationship with a person who was actively seeking out other relationships while supposedly together with me. And I also think that alcohol and alcoholism doesn't really change who you are. If you cheat drunk, you'd cheat sober. If you lie drunk, you'd lie sober.

LadySage

That's important for me to hear. Unfortnantely, I've had a relationship with an alcoholic before him and that man was actually never cross to me and I trusted him as far as other women we concerned. He was just pretty detached and self-destructive so I left. I thought I was doing good by dating someone in recovery...HAH. Now I know what that means.

Recovering2

"Can this be saved?" No, there is nothing YOU can do to save it. You didnt Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. The only person you can save is yourself. He is engaging in activites that are dishonorable to your marriage, whether it's because of alcohol or not.

You left, you set your boundary. When I set my boundaries with my ABF...it got his attention but didn't stop his drinking. It took him hitting waaaay bottom to finally get help. It was hard to stand my ground, but I don't regret. They tell us in AlAnon, "Say what you mean" Don't set boundaries you won't keep. The A learns quickly if you can be pushed.

Good luck, and keep posting. You're doing the right thing, even though it's hard.

dollydo

I also believe that you are doing the right thing. His words are just that, hollow words, his actions tell you the entire truth.

You might want to take some time to work on you, there is a reason that you have hooked up with unavailable addicted men before. The current whirlwind of marrying so quickly in spite of his drinking, raises red flags for me.

Have you read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie? If not, I would suggest that you do so. Also take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cyncial one's blogs.

Take care of you.

ZiggyB

Oh well, good for you...
You will not miss the lies, the chaos and the drinking, that is for sure!

LadySage

I definitely want to work on me, I have some issues that from what I can tell are characteristic of ACOAs. The few meetings I have been to have been an immense help.

I moved way too quickly in the beginning and thought that his sobriety was rock solid. I missed some clues that perhaps he wasn't as emotionally available as I thought. I wanted to to believe I could escape my stressed single mom state and have a solid supportive family. Wanted it so bad I totally missed some clues. By the time his sobriety came apart I was in too deep to not want to stick it out and see if the potential I saw was indeed possible.

I have a lot of work to do to get into a strong state where I don't need to be rescued and where I'm confident enough to take my time and really listen to warnings/intuition.