Mom

Old 01-17-2013, 02:48 PM
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Mom

My mom lives with an active alcoholic... who has abused his kids, been charged with rape and pretty much has lived an unpleasant sordid life. During Hurricane Sandy, when I was 7 months pregnant, I stayed with her for a few days as I was without power/water.. and you could feel the explosion coming but I kept my head down as this was only very temporary. He'd say random things like he wasn't sure I should shower there because I might fall and sue him, etc... I had an issue one night and ended up in the ER (which now I blame on stress of the whole situation). Next night he comes upstairs and starts in on my mom listening in on his phone calls and before you know it, he is in a rage, threatening and screaming at me and my mom, my mom is hysterical and I told him if he didnt calm down, I was calling 911. I packed up my stuff and spent the night in my cold apartment which was sadly a lot more peaceful. The next day my mom said she knew it was a bad situation and she shouldn't live there etc but came up with a list of excuses of why she couldn't leave. But of course since then, she is back to babbling away about him and justifying his behavior and forcing me to acknowledge him, say thank you as he paid to have my car looked at, set up some of the baby's stuff, etc. I do not want him anywhere near me or my child and I made that quite clear to my mom. Yet just now she sits here in front of me crying about how after I just delivered I didnt say thank you to him and I was disrespectful to him... and she brings up my husband (soon to be ex) who is a drug addict and she never disresepected him etc. Of course the fact that I never allowed myself to stay in a situation where I was complete dependent, emotionally and otherwise, on someone else who could and would hurt me never gets brought up. When my husband got that way, the police were there and he was taken away. I don't know how to handle the situation -- I talked to her about Al-Anon where she won't go, I told her how he is unsafe, and now I am being forced to be grateful and thankful. He was raging and threatening a 7 month pregnant person... he could buy me a BMW and it wouldn't make a difference. Help.
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Old 01-17-2013, 03:32 PM
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It would appear that she is as sick as her abf is. If she continues to stay with him, that is her decision, at the same time that does not mean you have to interface with him or listen to her crying and complaining about him. It is apparent that she is all drama and no action. If she wanted to leave him she would, she doesn't. Her actions speak for themselves.

You do not "have to be" grateful or thankful to him, your mother is attempting to manipulate you, to get what she wants. To play both ends against the middle.

As a parent, your first responsibility is to your child, not her, not him. Personally I would not expose your child to their toxic relationship. If you do not want him near your child (which is a responsible decision) and she insists that you must accept him with her...then...you may have to make a decision about your relationship with her. If her priority is him, over you and your child, then so be it....it is her choice...it is your choice to continue the relationship with her or not.

As a child, I lived with a mother (an alcoholic) who ALWAYS put her abusive men first, she never had her priorities straight, and, her children suffered. I am no contact with her once again, the third time in my adult life.

Do what is best for your child, you are your childs future. Children carry their childhood into adulthood, they are the true victims. Just as you are a product of your childhood, your experiences, so too, will be your child.

Keep posting, we are here for you.
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Old 01-17-2013, 03:50 PM
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If you google "Love and Stockholm Syndrome", you will find articles related to the psychological control batterers have over their partners, and it may help you understand your mother's defense of her partner.

My opinion is that in defending her partner, your mother abandons you. If you decide to place strong limits on how much time (if any) you spend with your mother or allow her to see your child, try not to feel guilty for abandoning her. She has, I think, already abandoned you.

I would never ever underestimate the violence her partner is capable of, and I would never again be in his presence under any circumstances.

If you would like help in sorting out making good boundaries to protect yourself and your child, you could call the Domestic Violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE and ask for some guidance. It would be best to have some advice from experts about how to protect yourself and your child. And you can suggest to your mother she can also receive help on this hotline, though she may never decide to make the call.

I know this must be terribly painful for you. It hurts when people we love are in destructive relationship, whether with drugs or with abusers. But in recovery, we come to accept that we are powerless over other people. And we learn to make the best choices we can make for our highest good.
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Old 01-18-2013, 12:37 AM
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Technical difficulties! See next post.
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Old 01-18-2013, 12:38 AM
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Congratulations on your new little one!!!

If you put your focus on that beautiful new baby, the world will right itself for you.
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Old 01-18-2013, 04:00 AM
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I think reading between the lines, you still need them or use them to help at times. My advice would be to get as financially independent as possible so that you are not needing to rely on these unhealthy people. It seems like your mom and your alcoholic stepdad feel like they have power over you because they are helping you.
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