Thinking of asking AH to leave
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 7
Thinking of asking AH to leave
My husband has been ramping up his drinking lately. He has been stressed as we are dealing with his parents being assholes.
Last night, he called his dad to talk to him about what's been going on. The conversation did not go well. DH threw the phone, punched a wall, and then started drinking. This is the first time I've seen a physical outburst from him.
My heart is breaking for what he's going through. His dad didn't care at all how DH was feeling, that he had poured his heart out, and DH is just now realizing that his dad hasn't changed at all since he was a child.
At the same time, it's clear as day now that DH has a drinking problem, not to mention the punching walls being a red flag for abuse, and the fact that I went into my mode of assessing danger in my own house has me shook up. I don't feel at all that my toddler or myself are in any kind of danger, but I'm not naive. I recognize this is a red flag.
I'm thinking of asking DH to stay at a hotel for a few days, until he has an idea of what treatment plan, if any, he will pursue. I'm scared this will send him into a tailspin...but I also have to think of what I will allow my child to grow up with. I was sure earlier that I wanted to ask him to leave. And now I'm not. I'm so confused right now and was hoping to hear experience from other friend & family of As because, well, only we get it. Others who haven't lived it look at DH and think how could I possibly think of not supporting him right now?
Last night, he called his dad to talk to him about what's been going on. The conversation did not go well. DH threw the phone, punched a wall, and then started drinking. This is the first time I've seen a physical outburst from him.
My heart is breaking for what he's going through. His dad didn't care at all how DH was feeling, that he had poured his heart out, and DH is just now realizing that his dad hasn't changed at all since he was a child.
At the same time, it's clear as day now that DH has a drinking problem, not to mention the punching walls being a red flag for abuse, and the fact that I went into my mode of assessing danger in my own house has me shook up. I don't feel at all that my toddler or myself are in any kind of danger, but I'm not naive. I recognize this is a red flag.
I'm thinking of asking DH to stay at a hotel for a few days, until he has an idea of what treatment plan, if any, he will pursue. I'm scared this will send him into a tailspin...but I also have to think of what I will allow my child to grow up with. I was sure earlier that I wanted to ask him to leave. And now I'm not. I'm so confused right now and was hoping to hear experience from other friend & family of As because, well, only we get it. Others who haven't lived it look at DH and think how could I possibly think of not supporting him right now?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Ohm, I am so sorry for what has brought you to SoberRecovery, but I'm glad that we can all be here for you.
You have a lot to sort out, and the first thing is that you don't have to do it all at once, right now. People here say "just take the next right step", and that is good advice.
Have you read the stickies here on the Friends and Family of Alcoholics main page? They are the threads at the top half of the page, and they represent lots of wisdom about various topics.
When people come here, the watchword about living with an alcoholic is the 3 "C's":
You didn't cause it;
You can't control it; and
You can't cure it.
One of the hardest parts for me, when I left my AH of 20 years on July 4th, was sorting out what the best path was for me, not for him. And, you have a toddler, too, to be thinking about.
One thing to do now is to think about how you want YOUR life, and your small child's life, to be. I think it is very common to have lots of self-doubt as you initially try to sort out what's going on and what you want to do.
Keep posting, and more people will come to comment and offer you their experiences.
ShootingStar1
You have a lot to sort out, and the first thing is that you don't have to do it all at once, right now. People here say "just take the next right step", and that is good advice.
Have you read the stickies here on the Friends and Family of Alcoholics main page? They are the threads at the top half of the page, and they represent lots of wisdom about various topics.
When people come here, the watchword about living with an alcoholic is the 3 "C's":
You didn't cause it;
You can't control it; and
You can't cure it.
One of the hardest parts for me, when I left my AH of 20 years on July 4th, was sorting out what the best path was for me, not for him. And, you have a toddler, too, to be thinking about.
One thing to do now is to think about how you want YOUR life, and your small child's life, to be. I think it is very common to have lots of self-doubt as you initially try to sort out what's going on and what you want to do.
Keep posting, and more people will come to comment and offer you their experiences.
ShootingStar1
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think you are very smart to be considering all these things. But as Star said, you don't have to figure everything out at once. You know, of course, that if you DO feel the slightest bit of danger, you should take action sooner rather than later. But if he hasn't been verbally or emotionally abusive to you so far, then you may have some time to calm down and sort things out.
If you haven't tried Al-Anon, I strongly suggest that you do. It helped me a lot in terms of figuring out what the next best move for me would be.
Have you talked to him about his drinking? Does he think it's a problem for him?
If you haven't tried Al-Anon, I strongly suggest that you do. It helped me a lot in terms of figuring out what the next best move for me would be.
Have you talked to him about his drinking? Does he think it's a problem for him?
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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At the same time, it's clear as day now that DH has a drinking problem, not to mention the punching walls being a red flag for abuse, and the fact that I went into my mode of assessing danger in my own house has me shook up. I don't feel at all that my toddler or myself are in any kind of danger, but I'm not naive. I recognize this is a red flag.
I think asking him to move out for a few days so that you have some breathing room sounds like a good idea. If he refuses, is there somewhere that you and your child can go for a few days? It may help you to think more clearly about what will be best for your future and that of your child if you can do so without the pressure of having him around.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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Ohm - So sorry for what you are going through. I deal with this myself as RAH's dysfunctional family has often been trigger for his anger in the past. It never got to hitting walls and he has been sober now for a number of months, but it certainly has made for an unpleasant night on many occasions.
You don't have to figure it all out now - I think some time apart would be good and I understand your reluctance that bringing it up might trigger another outburst to deal with.
My own experience with this is .......the dysfunction, particular my RAH's treatment by his father became permission to act out and how dare I not allow it "I have a great family" "I have never been treated this way" "I have no idea what it was like to grow up abused and terrorized" etc. etc. I am not sure there is enough therapy in the world to heal RAH of his family; but it's not permission because of it to do whatever he wants, say whatever he wants, and wreck havoc in our home. So basically it became a choice for him - limit contact or learn to deal with it. This has taken time and started with me saying it. Now and then it still comes up but I don't engage in conversation with him about it. I mean how many times can one dissect that another is an a******e?
I am certain that unless you address his drinking issues first that this problem isn't going away with a conversation.
I will keep you in my thoughts and please listen to your gut and keep you and our child safe!
You don't have to figure it all out now - I think some time apart would be good and I understand your reluctance that bringing it up might trigger another outburst to deal with.
My own experience with this is .......the dysfunction, particular my RAH's treatment by his father became permission to act out and how dare I not allow it "I have a great family" "I have never been treated this way" "I have no idea what it was like to grow up abused and terrorized" etc. etc. I am not sure there is enough therapy in the world to heal RAH of his family; but it's not permission because of it to do whatever he wants, say whatever he wants, and wreck havoc in our home. So basically it became a choice for him - limit contact or learn to deal with it. This has taken time and started with me saying it. Now and then it still comes up but I don't engage in conversation with him about it. I mean how many times can one dissect that another is an a******e?
I am certain that unless you address his drinking issues first that this problem isn't going away with a conversation.
I will keep you in my thoughts and please listen to your gut and keep you and our child safe!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 47
Meetings and meetings
Glad you shared your story with us. When a storm would breakout with my wife to me it was 911 to make it stop. Most times my best ideas made ME miserable. Finally I went to an AlaNon meeting. From my very first meeting I felt internal relief. This is the time to attend meetings. If you need take the toddler too, but do get to a meeting soon. Local in person support is so important for me in crises. Life and things are about to change for the better, peace.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 7
Thank you for your replies. To answer some questions...
I've been going to alanon for a few weeks now. Coincidentally I had a meeting last night. I left my son with a babysitter.
As I've been reading CoDependent no More and going to alanon, I've been thinking about what I want for my life. Where are my lines with my husband's drinking? When will it cross over into something that I'm not willing to stick around for?
Just a few days ago, I was talking to a friend about punching walls, and mentioned that if my husband ever did such a thing, I would kick him out. Days later, this happened. I felt in my gut that this wasn't something that was "ok" in my home, that I couldn't permit it by not drawing a line. So, I did ask him to leave for a few nights. I'm curious to see what his thoughts are after we have some space.
He's said before that he knows he has a problem. He's also said little things before such as "If I weren't so stressed at home, I wouldn't drink." "It would be so easy for me to be an alcoholic without you in my life." "Thank you for bringing it up, but I don't want to handle stress by drinking, and so I stopped drinking tonight after I realized I was doing that very thing."
He's actually getting ready to start individual therapy. I haven't decided when I'll feel comfortable with him coming home. Ideally, it will be with a plan for recovery and at least 1 therapy appt and AA meeting (or some secular recover program if he can find one) under his belt.
I've been going to alanon for a few weeks now. Coincidentally I had a meeting last night. I left my son with a babysitter.
As I've been reading CoDependent no More and going to alanon, I've been thinking about what I want for my life. Where are my lines with my husband's drinking? When will it cross over into something that I'm not willing to stick around for?
Just a few days ago, I was talking to a friend about punching walls, and mentioned that if my husband ever did such a thing, I would kick him out. Days later, this happened. I felt in my gut that this wasn't something that was "ok" in my home, that I couldn't permit it by not drawing a line. So, I did ask him to leave for a few nights. I'm curious to see what his thoughts are after we have some space.
He's said before that he knows he has a problem. He's also said little things before such as "If I weren't so stressed at home, I wouldn't drink." "It would be so easy for me to be an alcoholic without you in my life." "Thank you for bringing it up, but I don't want to handle stress by drinking, and so I stopped drinking tonight after I realized I was doing that very thing."
He's actually getting ready to start individual therapy. I haven't decided when I'll feel comfortable with him coming home. Ideally, it will be with a plan for recovery and at least 1 therapy appt and AA meeting (or some secular recover program if he can find one) under his belt.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Sounds like a plan. Keep us posted on how it's going.
It may take a while before he thinks he needs to quit drinking. Most people vaguely know they are drinking more than they should, but it often takes quite a bit of time trying to control it before they are convinced they have to quit.
It may take a while before he thinks he needs to quit drinking. Most people vaguely know they are drinking more than they should, but it often takes quite a bit of time trying to control it before they are convinced they have to quit.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
It may take a while before he thinks he needs to quit drinking. Most people vaguely know they are drinking more than they should, but it often takes quite a bit of time trying to control it before they are convinced they have to quit.
I decided that as long as I see positive changes that I am ok with how things are. I still feel like drinking is a problem, but as it is said about dry drunks..the alcoholic behaviors are still there. Maybe if he addresses his behaviors/thought patterns/stress management/communication he won't "need" to drink. We'll see.
It helps so much that I am learning about codependency and in alanon. I felt this weekend like I was addicted to my addict or something. It was interesting to be aware of those feelings instead of just thinking that it was my love.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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Hi Ohm! Welcome.
One of the biggest lessons I had to learn was to stop listening to what he says and start paying attention to what he does. I had to learn that I couldn't hang my hat on good intentions.
My advice, take it or lump it, is to take mental note of everything he's promised, and to start also taking note of whether he does it, the excuses he makes not to follow through, and/or the effects he feels from following through on his plans. Observe. Observe and listen to the little voice that's telling you what's right and wrong. Your path will get clearer as you do. Remember that you don't have to make immediate decisions. Try to do the next right thing, whatever that is.
I'm kind of a cynic at this point -- a cynic that wants to believe in the human capacity for growth and change! *groan* -- but I know that with my AH, well, he had a lot of good intentions but didn't have the chutzpah or the will or the willpower or the motivation to follow through with any consistency. Similarly, however, I also have a lot of good intentions but fall back on old habits (panic, cynicism, flailing around in crisis) that persist regardless of my attempts at growth. One's mileage may vary.
One of the biggest lessons I had to learn was to stop listening to what he says and start paying attention to what he does. I had to learn that I couldn't hang my hat on good intentions.
My advice, take it or lump it, is to take mental note of everything he's promised, and to start also taking note of whether he does it, the excuses he makes not to follow through, and/or the effects he feels from following through on his plans. Observe. Observe and listen to the little voice that's telling you what's right and wrong. Your path will get clearer as you do. Remember that you don't have to make immediate decisions. Try to do the next right thing, whatever that is.
I'm kind of a cynic at this point -- a cynic that wants to believe in the human capacity for growth and change! *groan* -- but I know that with my AH, well, he had a lot of good intentions but didn't have the chutzpah or the will or the willpower or the motivation to follow through with any consistency. Similarly, however, I also have a lot of good intentions but fall back on old habits (panic, cynicism, flailing around in crisis) that persist regardless of my attempts at growth. One's mileage may vary.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Life can suck....and people will hurt us.
Does your ah need to talk to someone about his dad? Probably
But that does not excuse the breaking things.
Imagine if everyone broke things because they didn't get their way or were upset.
Eventually it will progress or he will grow up. Cant say which but I hope for your sake its the growing up part. I agree....you need to put your foot down on this situation and tell him to leave until
He gets treatment otherwise your looking at more of that.
Does your ah need to talk to someone about his dad? Probably
But that does not excuse the breaking things.
Imagine if everyone broke things because they didn't get their way or were upset.
Eventually it will progress or he will grow up. Cant say which but I hope for your sake its the growing up part. I agree....you need to put your foot down on this situation and tell him to leave until
He gets treatment otherwise your looking at more of that.
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