Bachelor Party?! In Costa Rica?!

Old 01-16-2013, 10:43 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 34
Bachelor Party?! In Costa Rica?!

Oh boy. So my RABF has been sober for about a year and a half. He does not really feel temptation if he is at dinner with friends and they are having a drink. He has removed himself from the bar/lounge scene but is thinking that he might be ready to go out to these places once in a while for a special occasion.

After being a part of SR and other support groups, I have realized that he needs to make these decisions on his own so I have kept quiet. He himself has realized how boring it would be for him to go to a bar for a friends birthday and has stayed away. But he has also expressed that he feels left out since his friends mainly are always in a heavily alcohol-focused venue or activity. His friends would never pressure him to drink and know he stopped but he has never told them why or the severity of his drinking problem.

Recently he told me his friend is having a bachelor party in Costa Rica in May. When he brought it up my only reaction was to make fun of how rich his friends are and how poor I am...I was TOTALLY biting my tongue. I asked if he was thinking about going and his response was "I probably shouldn't right?" but all I said is that he should get all the information and then make a decision.

Would him going on this week-long trip for a bachelor party be even remotely appropriate? I mean in my head he is going from limited to no alcohol exposure to TOTAL exposure. The reason I am turning to my SR friends is because sometimes I see things only from my side and want to make sure that I am not doing so this time. Regardless of what he decides, I just want to know if there is some reasoning that I could be missing that would make it okay for him to be in that environment.

I would love some opinions.
alia is offline  
Old 01-16-2013, 10:57 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
As a man who has been to a few bachelor parties and am familiar with the stereotypes you see in movies like "The Hangover" my thinking is "Not only No, but HElllllllllllllllll No!"

I have a little bit of hero/rescuer syndrome as a good codie should so I avoid Al-anon meetings that are filled with women. Am I worried that I would cheat on my wife or something untoward might happen? No. ....but if I'm upset with Poh I talk to the guys and putting myself in an environment where there are a lot of women who are hurting is just stupid because its a recipe for instant empathy and understanding at times of emotional strain so I keep a boundary.

My wife doesn't go to happy hour and sip Ginger Ale.

Fat guys shouldn't hang out in bakeries to demonstrate their self control.

Why look for trouble? Jeeez... I've had enough times in life when I wasn't looking for trouble and yet trouble would slip into a little black dress and chase after me while I was minding my own business, lol. Besides, sounds like he can't afford it.

I think if it comes up I'd ask how are we going to pay the things we need to pay and come up with enough extra for you and your buds to go whoring in Costa Rica.

Getting hammered and indulging in all manner of tasteless acts as a rite of passage into married life is just not a great way to start life as a married man.
PohsFriend is offline  
Old 01-16-2013, 11:13 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
lizatola's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Probably not a good idea, but we can't control what other's do with their recovery or in their disease, if active. My AH went to Costa Rica for a work trip back in October, I refused to go with him because of his alcoholic attitudes so he got plastered every night. Apparently, he also got himself into hot water with some of the wives of his co-workers. I expected nothing less of him even though he swore just a few weeks prior that he was going to go to AA, get help, and get sober.

Anyway, what are you going to do for yourself while he's gone?
lizatola is offline  
Old 01-16-2013, 11:31 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
Anyway, what are you going to do for yourself while he's gone?
I think just continue in my daily life - see friends and keep busy. To be honest, I am at a really peaceful point right now and understand that there is a chance he will decide to go. And when that time comes I will just have to say "okay" and carry on. Actually, we have been talking about getting engaged and I think this will be a good insight into his mindset currently. You know, I used to want to save/protect him. Now I just want him to act like an adult and make his own choices and then live with his consequences.

I just don't really understand how someone in his position would think this is a good idea? A week-long bachelor party? In another country? Surrounded by alcohol? How in the world........but I know I will never understand. I am such a homebody and drinking has never held any significance in my life.

Keep the feedback coming! So helpful, as always!
alia is offline  
Old 01-16-2013, 12:38 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
I think it's okay to answer the question because he asked your opinion.
I would say something like:
"Personally, I think a weeklong destination bachelor party sounds like a difficult and uncomfortable position to be in. But that's obviously a call you have to make yourself."

My brother asked recently what I thought about a potential living situation for him and I was able to give him some perspective he didn't have. It's possible he asked you because he has some desire to go, but already knows it isn't a good idea.
Hanna is offline  
Old 01-16-2013, 01:52 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
seek's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
Please take my comments with a grain of salt because I do not work a 12 step program. I think there is nothing wrong with stating YOUR OPINIONS. Why should you have to muffle your opinions in an effort to not control? There is a difference between "saying what you mean" and controlling. You can't make him do anything - but you can state your opinion and I think not doing so is being false and inauthentic and "walking on eggshells" to accommodate him so you don't upset him . . .just my two cents and I don't have a good track record in this area.
seek is offline  
Old 01-16-2013, 02:28 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
The fact that he asked you "I probably shouldn't right?" reveals all I need to know frankly...

I struggle with the higher power idea so had to define it my way... it's that little voice that cocks an eyebrow and say s "Dude, Really?" when I contemplate something stupid.

Sometimes a question is a statement but hell, if he asks a question it isn't meddling to say what you think.

One other thing... Are your finances comingled or seperate? You said he can't afford it and y'all are contemplating marriage, right? Has he saved for a ring and honeymoon? That was a little five figure blip on my budget last summer. If he hasn't started saving for those yet has money to go to Costa Rica for a week of male bonding then... no need to finish that thought is there?

Now if your funds are comingled then the "it isn't up to you" stuff is out the window and you have every right to say hell no unless it's from his seperate play money and he's taken care of his share of joint responsibilities.

To each his own... One of my closest friends went on his son-in-law's bachelor party and sat on the bus when the guys went into the strip club, it just doesn't fit his values. An hour or two later the groom was thrown out and had a black eye, he and his buddies were hungover and beaten up at the wedding. Charming.

...not judging, I've been to the titty bars when I was younger and have no problem with it... heck, my wife has gone to them with friends before and got all the attntion from the dancers so if I went I'd bring her - I'm not a prude.

I guess I just have an issue with the whole "I need to go nuts and get it out of my system before I get married" idea. Depends on the friends too. If you believe they are the sort who would go out to the clubs and watch boobs, drink, smoke cigars, scratch and then go home (domesticated) then it's harmless enough. If you think they are the type who would be getting hookers and losing all common sense then maybe he needs to hang around some big boy friends before he takes on marriage? LOL - So are his friends the guys in "Hall Pass" or the guys in "The Hangover"? ....in any case, make sure nobody named Alan is going.

For those who did not see the movie, listen to the words of "Alan Town" parody of Billy Joel's classic..... The Hangover Part 2-Stu's Song (Alan town) - YouTube
PohsFriend is offline  
Old 01-16-2013, 02:39 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"Fat guys shouldn't hang out in bakeries to demonstrate their self control."

Now, that's funny!

Ok, back to business...no, I don't think that going is a good idea, I would state that concern and let it go...he is going to do whatever he pleases anyway.
dollydo is offline  
Old 01-16-2013, 02:54 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
"Fat guys shouldn't hang out in bakeries to demonstrate their self control."

Now, that's funny!

Ok, back to business...no, I don't think that going is a good idea, I would state that concern and let it go...he is going to do whatever he pleases anyway.
LOL, thanks.. there are some side benefits that go with the scars of growing up in a chaotic environment. You learn to use humor to break tension or make a point without getting your head taken off ;-)

When my wife sobered up she was so relieved.... without alcohol I still made her laugh.
PohsFriend is offline  
Old 01-16-2013, 05:47 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 34
PohsFriend - just to clarify - it is NOT my RABF's bachelor party. It's his friend who is getting married. You're very funny and I appreciate your very straight forward advice!! Also, he would be paying for this trip completely from his own money.

I appreciate everyone's support and input. I completely agree that I should be able to give my opinion but I sometimes get the feeling that he is looking for me to support him and not for my actual opinion. One thing leads to another and we end up arguing. I guess I just keep reminding myself of my own boundaries and once those boundaries are being passed, I will have to make a decision for what I want for my life. Until then, I don't want him to use my words as excuses or as a place to put blame.

I always used to ask him in his previous attempts for "sobriety" where he only drank sometimes or set limits - "If you are acknowledging that you have a problem, why wouldn't you just default with taking the safest path possible?" ..... I feel like I'm still asking that question. Why debate putting yourself in a threatening situation?
alia is offline  
Old 01-16-2013, 06:15 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
First, he doesn't need your approval to do it.

Second, he's been sober for a year and a half--he didn't just put the plug in the jug 30 or 90 days ago.

Third, if this is a good friend getting married, I can understand why he doesn't want to be left out of the festivities.

Fourth, there are AA meetings in Costa Rica. I was just in a heavy drinking environment for a week on a business trip, and when it started getting to me I skipped dinner one night and went to a meeting instead.

If one is going for the right reasons (and it doesn't sound as if he likes to hang around bars for the sake of hanging around bars), and he has a good plan in place, and he feels like his head is in the right place, then I see no reason why you should discourage him from going.

My two cents as an alcoholic sober four and a half years.
LexieCat is offline  
Old 01-16-2013, 06:29 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
box of chocolates
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
I agree and disagree with costa rica.
Heres my reasoning.
1. Hes a recovering alcoholic and its a bachelor party a week long with booze and
Im sure plenty of it! Itll be a booze booze booze filled week. Not that there wont be other activities
But you cant expect non alcoholic occassional or more than occassional drinkers to have a long party with booze in a country like costa rica and not drink or drink more than heavily.a bad mixture of atmosphere and time.no no no! Not a goid idea.
However.....
2. Even though I would be very much thinking number 1 when it came to my ah and would be seriously upset and wanting to step in on the matter. It also makes me sad. Theres another side to this and
That is that he is already making sacrifices for his sobreity day to day. As he should.
But how can you tell someone or be upset to want to or be able to go to a function in a place as beautiful as costa rica with his friends on a special occasion?

Perhaps not staying the week? 3 days? Maybe suggesting to him your concern but allow him to make the decision.
Saying something on the lines " I think its a fun idea as long as you think it is . If your ok with everyone drinking infront of you for that period of time. I just want you to be ok. If you need too you can come back sooner than a week. Just dont put too much on yourself"

My ah had been invited to mini vacations with the guys out of town with drinking and I said basically the same....except he was and is still drinking but that the choice was his I wasnt going to tell him n. I did voice my concerns without being over bearing or bossy (trusting) and left it to him.
In the end he never went to the mini vacations . He chose even while actively using that it wasnt a good idea as he too has chosen to cancel a trip to another country because he plans rehab and knows even months from now to a yr he will not be ready.
Talk to him . Watch your words and he may surprise you and remember
He will always be an alcoholic eventually he has to live life and learn to say no for him.
You cannot hold his hand. Hes a big boy
thislonelygirl is offline  
Old 01-16-2013, 07:08 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Fathom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Hi Alia,

Feeling uncomfortable expressing my opinions with my loved ones is a red flag for me. I really like the saying, "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean." As long as I'm adhering to that rule, I shouldn't have to guard my opinions against anyone I love or who loves and respects me. My opinions are not expressed as orders to obey, but as loving perspectives to consider. I wouldn't share if I didn't care.

You may be right that he falsely asked for your opinion and only wants you to say what he wants to hear. I wouldn't assume that is the case. But, if it were, would that behavior not cross a boundary of yours? Just something to consider...

Take care,
Fathom
Fathom is offline  
Old 01-16-2013, 08:45 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
redatlanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I can't imagine going on a bachelor party trip for a week - but you know your guy. What are his interests? Will they be active? fishing, golfing, surfing or are they more hang out the pool and get wasted kind of guys?

I'm with this lonelygirl - a gentle nudge that perhaps a week is too long and three days might be a better choice.

I guess I am getting old I can't think of anything I would rather NOT do than go bachlorette party for a week. I would rather go to Canyon Ranch by myself.
redatlanta is offline  
Old 01-16-2013, 09:40 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Keeping it simple!
 
LadyinBC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by alia View Post
I asked if he was thinking about going and his response was "I probably shouldn't right?" but all I said is that he should get all the information and then make a decision..
I haven't read the other responses sorry if I'm repeating.

I find his answer to your question interesting. He didn't say "yes or no". Maybe he is questioning that he shouldn't go.

I know for me being an alcoholic, I don't and won't put myself in a situation where there is a chance I might relapse. I can out for dinner to a restaurant and I'm okay if my friend wants a drink. Going to the pub and watching my girlfriends drinking and shooting back shots? Nope I won't be doing that. However, I am only 5 months sober so maybe I shouldn't be giving advice haha.
LadyinBC is offline  
Old 01-16-2013, 10:00 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
IMHO, if he can't go to a bar/club for a couple of hours without feeling compromised how in the world does he think he is going to get thru a whole week of shenanigans???

He is an adult man, he gets to choose for himself, he is either confident that he will be ok, or he is getting to dive into a beer float.......

When I quit smoking I avoid things that trigger me to smoke, that is just common sense for me.
marie1960 is offline  
Old 01-16-2013, 10:31 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
re: going to bachelor party

Big Book of AA Page 100-101
Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so.

So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there.

Ask yourself on each occasion, have I any social, business or personal reason for going to this place? Or am I expecting to steal a little vicarious pleasure from the atmosphere of such a place?
deeker is offline  
Old 01-17-2013, 10:10 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Great thread!

I also see huge red flags here...

1 Not feeling comfortable to express what you really feel
2 Money, if he goes, is that HIS money we are talking about.. ?
3 Walking on eggshells, now it is this bachelor party, then what will it be?

It looks like there are huge trust issues...
Do you know the people he is going with..? do you consider them your friends, as well?

Hugs, not an easy position to be in....
TakingCharge999 is offline  
Old 01-18-2013, 06:47 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 34
Everyone is right - I do feel uncomfortable expressing how I feel because we just end up arguing and he ends up feeling sorry for himself and I feel guilty. How do I break this cycle? I feel like he takes everything I say so personally that I am walking on eggshells trying not to rock the boat! Can we ever move past this point?? How?

I know the group of people he is going with but they are party people. I wouldn't say they are exactly my friends. They are very very sweet to me but we do not keep in touch outside of when we see each other.

Also, LexieCat - he has never attended an AA meeting or other support group, nor does he go to any kind of therapy. He has not disclosed to his friends his reason for sobriety so he really has a very limited support system. He used to rely solely on me until I told him that I could not be his only pillar. I sometimes fear he is not allowing himself all the necessary tools for recovery.

Sigh..
alia is offline  
Old 01-18-2013, 07:34 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Maylie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
I would express my feelings and then let him decide whether he thinks he is strong enough to resist temptation.

I agree with you that I don't see why he would even consider going since I'm assuming that anyone that goes out of the country for a week long bachelor party is expecting to go all out and drink all day every day.

If he is still taking everything you say extremely personally and it ends with him feeling bad about himself, it sounds like he isn't fully there in his recovery yet. Sure he might be sober, but as a recovered addict I can tell you, being sober is only part of the fight.
Maylie is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:07 AM.