Crazed

From my earlier posts, my recovering EXAG moved out beginning of Nov (after rehab, halfway house and a few months back at home). We have relationship issues, and have for a long time (her relapsing on and off for 5 years, no real trust, my unwillingness to commit to marriage, etc.). Oh, and there is that affair that began between her and an ex high school love, who lives 200 miles away.

We have still been speaking every few days- I am pushing to try for reconciliation (yes it is crazy). We usually have a great open conversation and talk about our feelings, which leads to me having unmet expectations, which is then followed by painful and frustrating conversation about everything that we have both done wrong, which usually ends in anger. The cycle then repeats.

She is a recovering alcoholic, but still lies and manipulates. Today she told me she has a hard time telling me the truth for fear of being judged. Hence, she still lies.

I am highly codependent. In order to catch her in lies, over the past few months I have gone through emails, logged on to view phone bills, etc. It is crazy and unacceptable behavior, which I easily blame on "I wouldn't have to do it if you were not always lying to me." As a step in the right direction, two weeks ago I deleted all her personal information, and can no longer monitor anything she does. I have been going to Al-anon. Call it part of the first step - powerless.


So here are several of the things I am struggling with:

1) I have given her all the power, and she knows it. In our circular conversations, she states that she loves and misses me dearly, and she hopes to get to a place where we can move forward. But she is really currently confused about her feelings. My constantly being there and not giving her space to feel (and the cycle of calls above) is causing her to build more resentments toward me.

2) She continues to speak with the other guy on a daily basis, but "has no plans on traveling to see him." I am "crossing her boundaries" when I ask about him and her relationship with him, and it is "inappropriate."

3) This morning she stated that yesterday her therapist recommended a 3 month minimum blackout period between myself and her, as we are unhealthy together. But apparently no such blackout was recommended between her and the 3rd party. She was crying as she told me, because she "doesn't want to lose me." Her therapist also stated that couples counseling would not work at this point in time because of all our resentments, hurt and anger.

4) She needs me to give her space so she can feel. She needs to get back in touch with her feelings for me, realize that she misses her best friend and lover. But with me being up her a$$, and still trying to control the situation, it is making things more difficult. And perhaps drive her toward him.

I am struggling. What gives her the right to build all these walls and resentments TOWARD ME? She has been unaccountable and lying to me about drinking for years, followed up by this most recent affair (by the way, I was blindsided). I am accused of being overly negative, not loving her enough, being highly judgemental, constantly monitoring her, not accepting and loving her for who she is, and not being the best step-dad I could be (guilty as charged).

But why do I get the feeling that my issues seem to take the spotlight?

CentralOhioDad

Not to be mean, but in your first line you label her as your EXAG (ex-alcoholic girlfriend). She's an EX, and probably should stay that way. You guys don't trust each other one iota, and yet you are PUSHING for reconciliation. Maybe the reason the therapist said to go NC for 3 months for you but not him is maybe because the 'other guy' is not codie and pushy, and the therapist knows that being around you won't let her recover properly.

Please read the posts that talk about actions recovering A's need in order to heal - it can take many, many months if not years. With you in her face constantly, she has no time to work on her recovery.

I'm not trying to be mean, thought it may come across that way. You sound frantic over this person, and you shoudl work on becoming happier being with yourself, and not NEEDING her in your life.

Best of Luck to you, friend.

C-OH Dad

Crazed

Thanks C-OH Dad. Not mean at all - I needed to hear that. I believe you are dead on. And agreed, the other guy is not codie, or at all pushy - this has been stated to me by her. But then I get to thinking, why would he be codie? He has gotten nothing but her best behavior - there is nothing to fix!

I do call her EXAG (should be EXRAG for recovering), yet neither one of us has stated that we want it to be over - even with all that has transpired.

As her therapist stated - we are playing a tennis game that nobody can win. Perhaps we should put down the rackets for awhile.

I am not really all that good with "Turning things over to a higher power," but perhaps it is time I learn.

In my head I think that I can truly forgive, and learn to trust if she becomes trustworthy... but that may just be denial.

ZiggyB

Crazed,
I decided to give all my crap over to a higher power last week. It does help.

Isn't there a saying about insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? Has she really done anything to change? Have you?

I think when two people do not trust each other, a relationship is impossible. My ex left his emails & FB open on my computer. I read them both and yes I know this is not great behavior but it's the only way I figured out he would do whatever the heck he wanted to do and lie to me about it.

I think co-dependents have a really hard time letting go because they can't really face being all alone with themselves. It took a whole lot of fighting and verbal abuse for me to finally break down and realize I couldn't cope with his issues anymore.

I've been talking to my therapist about why I can't seem to let go and I do all these stupid clinging moves like look at the photos on his web page (stupid social media, lol)

I think for me it's just a way of covering up the loneliness that I feel deep down inside and the fears about putting myself out there and being vulnerable again.

I hope you feel better!

m1k3

Crazed, you do know that the only person who has to put down their tennis racket is you.

BTW, when you wring the alcohol out of an a$$hat you are still left with an a$$hat.

Your friend,

Crazed

Thanks ZiggyB - I have done some things different, mostly physical in nature. Going to Alanon 3x per week. But I am still controlling and codependent. At the end of the day I am not respecting her request for "distance and space." I am acting very clingy, actually more like grasping- She has stated the reason for her request is that "the distance is necessary for her to heal, and overcome some of her resentments for my behaviors, and get a grasp on her feelings."

Unfortunately because of her nature of not always being truthful, and knowing that she is still speaking with 3rd party every day, in my mind I interpret this as "I need space from you so I can get closer to him." Sick thinking. Perhaps she is telling the truth. Perhaps not. Hence "crazed."

According to her, he is not the issue. Our relationship is the issue, as near the end we were not happy together (which I agree .... but I did not think she would take drastic action and move out without any discussion)

I do believe she is trying to actively work her program. I think she was slipping over the holidays, than after Jan 1 made some decisions. So I do believe she is doing some things differently.

Katiekate

Today she told me she has a hard time telling me the truth for fear of being judged. Hence, she still lies.

She lies because she is a liar.

But why do I get the feeling that my issues seem to take the spotlight?

Then she doesn't have to take a look at herself.

Crazed, this is crazy making, as you said it's cyclical. What is preventing you from stepping away for awhile. Maybe instead of losing something you will gain something.

It's just a big power struggle. Stacked resentments , my x, to this day I am sure does not see his responsibility in the demise of our relationship, he always did the things he did because of me. I was half nuts.

Crazed

Regarding self worth- I am not sure what happened. I have moved to 2 different cities in my life while knowing nobody. I've never had issues making friends (getting girlfriends), am well educated, and financially secure. I think this one just wore me down...

Crazed

Thanks KatieKate - I do need to step away for awhile, but it is proving to be difficult (Type-A Control Freak that I am). I am afraid that I will not be gaining, but losing the most significant (even though not healthy) relationship of my adult life. It is the fear that if I do step away, she will be gone for good. While in this forum I talk of all her bad parts, there are indeed many good. I really have no desire to start over.

She has taken ownership for her actions, which is a good thing. She will be the first to admit that she has been a horrible, untrustworthy partner.

In the big picture, I am starting to think this is more of MY issue than her alcoholism and the fallout from it.... or have I been manipulated into thinking that.....

Katiekate

You are not responsible for all of this. Some but not all. Fear of the end is so scary. But how long can you continue to be disrepected. Your health and well being is the only thing that you can effect right now. Although she is sober her actions and words are hurtful. She is dancing with the idea of having two men in her life, you don't deserve that honey, not after all that has transpired. We care about you.

If someone is putting all the blame on you, there is something deeply wrong.

Katiekate

This is very comman. We become very isolated in the chaos of alcoholism and co dependency. Its a very silent and vicious dance.

peaches08

I totally agree with this and other posts. Frankly I think the lies and resentments are worse than the alcohol. I simply had to accept in the end that there were too many things I just no longer trusted about my ex. Shoot, in the end I just didn't like him! As months have gone by, I feel relieved to be out of the situation. Sure, I wish I had somebody. But I wished I had somebody and felt lonely while WITH my ex.

Keep posting, it really does help to know you're not alone nor crazy.

ZiggyB

I was afraid of losing my relationship too... I put up with so much crap that in the end I felt like a doormat and he wiped his feet with me on the way out. lol! I just wish I had walked away.

As for whose issues they are, it takes two to tango. IMO she should be grateful you would even want her back after the way she's acted.

redatlanta

Crazed you can only lose what you already have. This was lost in November when she moved out.

Now it sounds like you both are telling each other what or who you need to be in order for the relationship to rekindle.

Do people change that much?

marie1960

((((((hugs)))))) crazed, just big (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) to you.


Nothing has changed in how many years?

If you TRULY want to be her hero, let her go, she needs to know that you are a man of substance, and you have a personal expectation for the woman you CHOOSE to spend your life with.

She is killing you with her distorted, abstract Bullsh*t...... Let go of the addiction..


C'mon crazed, crawl into the lifeboat with the rest of us. Promise we will NOT lie to you.

Justshy

Crazed, I'm starting to think we are the same person! As I am brand new to all of this, I really don't have any advice or insight...but I have to say, your posts are very helpful to me. As miserable as it sounds, it kind of helps to know that there are other people out there who think like me and are going through similar circumstances.

Crazed

Thank you everyone for your responses. We just had another crazy conversation- a real tear jerker. She is as insane as I am about this.

I need to now walk away.