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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 139
hello
Hi. I've been a lurker for a couple days, and decided I wanted to introduce myself. I'm 29 years old and though I don't have many train wreck stories, I know I was abusing alcohol big time, and on my way to being stuck.
My story: I was laid off in the middle of June 2012. I knew it was coming, but not really prepared for what I'd do when it happened. In the past I pretty much hated alcohol. If I had more than 1-2 drinks a month, that was a lot for me. I couldn't see the point in it- it tastes bad, has a lot of calories, and just made me tired.
On July 4th I got really drunk for the first time in my life. I'd been buzzed before, but never had been inebriated to that point. It felt good. I didn't have to think about losing my job, losing my coworker friends, finding a new job, surviving on unemployment funds, etc.
I started out drinking vodka. I would drink a fifth over the course of 2-3 nights. Soon though I was drinking more each night, and feeling so incredibly crummy and guilty the next day. I switched to white wine about a month in becuase I could still get drunk, but without so many physical problems the next day. I knew from the very beginning that I shouldn't be drinking so much. I vowed to stop and did abstain for up to 6 days on more than one occasion. But for 6 months I got drunk at least 4-5 nights a week. I was drinking 2 bottles most nights for a few months at the end. And I hid it. I don't think anyone knew how much I was drinking since I pretty much stayed in my bedroom all day unless I was going for my alcohol run. I did let on to my mother that I needed to stop drinking wine because it was making me avoid many of my obligations.
I got so depressed by December. My unemployment was due to run out, I'm in school full time, and I had blown off many of the requirements for my program all semester long, plus I had charged so much alocohol on credit that I started panicking over how high my bill had gotten.
I decided to quit on January 1st. That didn't happen. I was scared by this because even though I wanted to stop, I had no motivation to do so. On January 3rd however, while out on my daily food/alcohol run, I finally was able to realize that I didn't even want the alcohol, but was somehow psychologically talking myself into getting it- maybe even just going through the motions even though I really really didn't want it.
I haven't had a drink since then. I'm 12 days sober. The last 2 nights have been the hardest. It's not that I have feelings to avoid now (I caught myself up with the school stuff, I'm getting an unemployment extension, and things are generally looking up). Now I'm bored I think since I don't have school for another week, and still haven't found work so I'm still home alone most of the day. I can almost convince myself that it doesnt matter if I drink right now. Monday I had strong thoughts of drinking, but didn't go out. Last night I went out, but ended up just getting coffee instead of alcohol. The feelings of shame and guilt the morning after drinking were enough to stop me. That's what's really getting me through right now. I just keep thinking of how bad I'll feel about myself and my addiction the next day after the booze have worn off.
I really feel like the key to my sobriety is finding ways to positively occupy my time. I'm not a social drinker, and pretty much a loner. I actually have social anxiety disorder which probably helped in this instance since I haven't been able to associate the alcohol with good times and friends.
Well, I suppose that's more than long enough. I look forward to visiting the forum as it does help to read other people's experiences and stories. Thanks for reading!
My story: I was laid off in the middle of June 2012. I knew it was coming, but not really prepared for what I'd do when it happened. In the past I pretty much hated alcohol. If I had more than 1-2 drinks a month, that was a lot for me. I couldn't see the point in it- it tastes bad, has a lot of calories, and just made me tired.
On July 4th I got really drunk for the first time in my life. I'd been buzzed before, but never had been inebriated to that point. It felt good. I didn't have to think about losing my job, losing my coworker friends, finding a new job, surviving on unemployment funds, etc.
I started out drinking vodka. I would drink a fifth over the course of 2-3 nights. Soon though I was drinking more each night, and feeling so incredibly crummy and guilty the next day. I switched to white wine about a month in becuase I could still get drunk, but without so many physical problems the next day. I knew from the very beginning that I shouldn't be drinking so much. I vowed to stop and did abstain for up to 6 days on more than one occasion. But for 6 months I got drunk at least 4-5 nights a week. I was drinking 2 bottles most nights for a few months at the end. And I hid it. I don't think anyone knew how much I was drinking since I pretty much stayed in my bedroom all day unless I was going for my alcohol run. I did let on to my mother that I needed to stop drinking wine because it was making me avoid many of my obligations.
I got so depressed by December. My unemployment was due to run out, I'm in school full time, and I had blown off many of the requirements for my program all semester long, plus I had charged so much alocohol on credit that I started panicking over how high my bill had gotten.
I decided to quit on January 1st. That didn't happen. I was scared by this because even though I wanted to stop, I had no motivation to do so. On January 3rd however, while out on my daily food/alcohol run, I finally was able to realize that I didn't even want the alcohol, but was somehow psychologically talking myself into getting it- maybe even just going through the motions even though I really really didn't want it.
I haven't had a drink since then. I'm 12 days sober. The last 2 nights have been the hardest. It's not that I have feelings to avoid now (I caught myself up with the school stuff, I'm getting an unemployment extension, and things are generally looking up). Now I'm bored I think since I don't have school for another week, and still haven't found work so I'm still home alone most of the day. I can almost convince myself that it doesnt matter if I drink right now. Monday I had strong thoughts of drinking, but didn't go out. Last night I went out, but ended up just getting coffee instead of alcohol. The feelings of shame and guilt the morning after drinking were enough to stop me. That's what's really getting me through right now. I just keep thinking of how bad I'll feel about myself and my addiction the next day after the booze have worn off.
I really feel like the key to my sobriety is finding ways to positively occupy my time. I'm not a social drinker, and pretty much a loner. I actually have social anxiety disorder which probably helped in this instance since I haven't been able to associate the alcohol with good times and friends.
Well, I suppose that's more than long enough. I look forward to visiting the forum as it does help to read other people's experiences and stories. Thanks for reading!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 246
Originally Posted by shoreladylu 
Now I'm bored I think since I don't have school for another week, and still haven't found work so I'm still home alone most of the day. I can almost convince myself that it doesn't matter if I drink right now.
don't give in with so many days behind you. I have 14 today. We rock. stay on course - someone said on here "keep reading, posting, reading, posting".
It helps , lots of kind people with understanding.
stay busy with little things, walk, move, read...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 246
one year ago today
Originally Posted by Pataphor
sneaky isn't it, how we justify. Hi, I'm pataphor (I'm practicing for later today)
don't give in with so many days behind you. I have 14 today. We rock. stay on course - someone said on here "keep reading, posting, reading, posting".
It helps , lots of kind people with understanding.
stay busy with little things, walk, move, read...
don't give in with so many days behind you. I have 14 today. We rock. stay on course - someone said on here "keep reading, posting, reading, posting".
It helps , lots of kind people with understanding.
stay busy with little things, walk, move, read...
So much emptiness in me, except for captain furious...why am I the only one?
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