XABF came back, BUT I'm firm in my decision :)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
XABF came back, BUT I'm firm in my decision :)
Good afternoon all,
I haven't been to SR in a few weeks. The holidays and just truly focusing on myself took over and I was having the time of my life. I am really, truly happy with where I am in my life. I love being single, not because I'm off dating a million people. In fact, I am not ready to date anytime soon, but because it feels nice for the first time in many years to just be me. I can go out with friends when I want to and be home alone and be completely happy in my own skin. It's great!
This past weekend, I stayed in. Friday night I heard a few knocks on my door but I chose not to open my door because I know my ex has a tendency to come back. Saturday after lunch, knocks came again. I looked out my window and eventually saw him leave my building...carrying flowers! Yep, flowers. I see him leave thinking that the worst is up. Nope. An hour later he comes knocking again, and again I don't open the door. Around midnight, a knock again! Then he starts texting and calling nonstop (I send all his calls to voicemail but the texts were still coming through). He was texting me, begging me to please talk to him face to face. I decided to not leave my apt at all, but instead called him and told him that while I care about him a lot, I'm at a very good point in my life and I am moving forward. Over and over, he begged, cried, pleaded, and it was really difficult.
I felt myself flash back to all the other times he did this and all those other times I always gave in, but this time, I stood strong. I finally know what I want and I am not going to be sucked back into this. It was pretty insulting to think that after everything, after he stole almost a thousand dollars from my parents, that he thinks coming back here crying with flowers is somehow going to make everything better?!! Seriously?
Finally I got him off the phone. He said he sold his PS3 and had $100 for me (though he owes me three thousand dollars...). I told him I didn't need anything from him, just that I wished him all the best. After he slid the money under my door he has continued to text me good morning and goodnight every day...It really stressed me out initially. All these negative feelings of resentment, stress, and frustration came back and after a day, I told myself I had to continue living my life. A mutual friend agreed to accompany me to have a coming to Jesus talk with him this weekend so he can leave me alone because at this point, I feel a lot of anxiety with him knocking so much. He even left flowers on my car!
That's the worst you know? They treat you so bad, then come back with all this passion and care, but it's too little too late. And they always seem to come back when you're really trying to move forward, but all I can do is to continue looking forward. I have not been this happy forever and I refuse to go back to that life.
Thank you everyone on SR. I could not have done it without you all! To anyone who is struggling, please know that it definitely gets better. Eventually, all the begging and pleading does not work anymore because we KNOW that the vicious cycle will just begin again after we take them back. The words went in one ear and out the other because I finally am able to look at actions rather than words. Ok, you want to pay me back? How much money have you saved up since we broke up 3 months ago? Nothing! That's proof right there.
I haven't been to SR in a few weeks. The holidays and just truly focusing on myself took over and I was having the time of my life. I am really, truly happy with where I am in my life. I love being single, not because I'm off dating a million people. In fact, I am not ready to date anytime soon, but because it feels nice for the first time in many years to just be me. I can go out with friends when I want to and be home alone and be completely happy in my own skin. It's great!
This past weekend, I stayed in. Friday night I heard a few knocks on my door but I chose not to open my door because I know my ex has a tendency to come back. Saturday after lunch, knocks came again. I looked out my window and eventually saw him leave my building...carrying flowers! Yep, flowers. I see him leave thinking that the worst is up. Nope. An hour later he comes knocking again, and again I don't open the door. Around midnight, a knock again! Then he starts texting and calling nonstop (I send all his calls to voicemail but the texts were still coming through). He was texting me, begging me to please talk to him face to face. I decided to not leave my apt at all, but instead called him and told him that while I care about him a lot, I'm at a very good point in my life and I am moving forward. Over and over, he begged, cried, pleaded, and it was really difficult.
I felt myself flash back to all the other times he did this and all those other times I always gave in, but this time, I stood strong. I finally know what I want and I am not going to be sucked back into this. It was pretty insulting to think that after everything, after he stole almost a thousand dollars from my parents, that he thinks coming back here crying with flowers is somehow going to make everything better?!! Seriously?
Finally I got him off the phone. He said he sold his PS3 and had $100 for me (though he owes me three thousand dollars...). I told him I didn't need anything from him, just that I wished him all the best. After he slid the money under my door he has continued to text me good morning and goodnight every day...It really stressed me out initially. All these negative feelings of resentment, stress, and frustration came back and after a day, I told myself I had to continue living my life. A mutual friend agreed to accompany me to have a coming to Jesus talk with him this weekend so he can leave me alone because at this point, I feel a lot of anxiety with him knocking so much. He even left flowers on my car!
That's the worst you know? They treat you so bad, then come back with all this passion and care, but it's too little too late. And they always seem to come back when you're really trying to move forward, but all I can do is to continue looking forward. I have not been this happy forever and I refuse to go back to that life.
Thank you everyone on SR. I could not have done it without you all! To anyone who is struggling, please know that it definitely gets better. Eventually, all the begging and pleading does not work anymore because we KNOW that the vicious cycle will just begin again after we take them back. The words went in one ear and out the other because I finally am able to look at actions rather than words. Ok, you want to pay me back? How much money have you saved up since we broke up 3 months ago? Nothing! That's proof right there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi there,
Good for you I am glad that you stood your ground. I repeated this pattern with my axbf sooo many times. It is very difficult to move on when someone is begging, sending you flowers, love notes etc.
But you don't deserve to be treated badly.
Good for you I am glad that you stood your ground. I repeated this pattern with my axbf sooo many times. It is very difficult to move on when someone is begging, sending you flowers, love notes etc.
But you don't deserve to be treated badly.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Good for you! Now, I also have a suggestion. Your friend who intends to talk to him should make it VERY CLEAR that you don't want a note, and apology, a text, a phone call, a visit, a check, NOTHING. And if he persists, I suggest you consider asking for a restraining order. You have earned your right to a peaceful existence. You don't need to be dealing with a stalker (which is, essentially, what he has become).
Very good handling of a difficult situation--congrats!
Very good handling of a difficult situation--congrats!
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Good job on standing your ground. Might I also suggest blocking his number. You will never get the texts/calls, and I would also reinforce to him that unwanted visits are harrassment/stalking. If it has worked for him before to beg, then he will keep trying, but just like with children and animals, when you remain consistent in not reinforcing the behavior, eventually the behavior is extinguished. Psych 101.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
Thank you everyone for the kind words and support. It's still so crazy to me how far I have come and anyone who is struggling, I can tell you that there will be so many days where you absolutely feel like you can't do it, but then somewhere along the way while you're working on yourself, reading and posting on SR, going to Al-Anon and focusing on you, it just happens. Without you knowing it, you just become stronger and stronger and then they come back and you feel it. It's a wonderful wonderful feeling.
I am going to meet him this Saturday with a mutual friend because it seems a bit unsafe and uncomfortable to go alone. Usually, I would really dread the talk, but I feel really confident with where my life is going. Over the phone, he kept going on and on about what the problem in our relationship was--it was moving in together and it made him insecure, it was his friends, it was him being behind in school, NO, it was alcohol. He continues to claim that he is not an alcoholic, but simply has a problem with alcohol. It's baffling and it makes me sad for him that it doesn't seem like he will 'get it' anytime soon. The pattern of "changing" then relapsing then "changing" then relapsing again will continue for quite some time, but only now, I won't be a part of it.
I am going to meet him this Saturday with a mutual friend because it seems a bit unsafe and uncomfortable to go alone. Usually, I would really dread the talk, but I feel really confident with where my life is going. Over the phone, he kept going on and on about what the problem in our relationship was--it was moving in together and it made him insecure, it was his friends, it was him being behind in school, NO, it was alcohol. He continues to claim that he is not an alcoholic, but simply has a problem with alcohol. It's baffling and it makes me sad for him that it doesn't seem like he will 'get it' anytime soon. The pattern of "changing" then relapsing then "changing" then relapsing again will continue for quite some time, but only now, I won't be a part of it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
