I'm boring?
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 302
I'm boring?
I'm still hanging in there not drinking and all, its been about a month and a half now. I just started school again today and this whole winter break has been alcohol free, which is pretty good seeing as I would usually take this time to drink with friends and such. I spent about half my break here with friends and the other half with a girl that I've been talking to. She came down to spend time with me and I went out where she lived to spend time with her. We went to her sister's house a few times and I guess I wasn't very talkative. I was actually pretty anxious/nervous most of the time because of not really knowing what to say or how to strike up a good solid conversation with the sister and her husband. I came home yesterday since school is going to be starting. I just talked to this girl on the phone and I guess her sister said I was boring and that I'm quiet. This has been bugging me ever since. These types of social situations are why I probably used to drink, along with other reasons as well I'm sure. I don't know how to just be loose and 'normal' without drinking. I just needed to vent this right now, this feeling of being bothered by what was said about me makes me want to go grab a beer, although I'm not going to.
Not Alone
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: South East UK
Posts: 1,513
Hey Soberish,
Firstly congratulation on your sobriety. Secondly, it is possible to get rid of nerves and anxiety without resorting to booze or drugs. I use humour when I go out on dates now. It breaks the ice and tension and leads to various discussions. I wasn't always like this though. I used cocaine to make myself what I thought was articulate and interesting. Obviously I was just a snivelling wreck chatting crap but you know, we live and learn.
It took me a while to realise how to act in social situations with members of the opposite sex. I am by nature, a tiny bit innappropriate, but not in an offensive way. I play on this, it's my deadpan humour card. I had to find what skills and personality traits I had and then work to bring them out. Even the fact I am a recovering addict is an exceptional conversation piece. The women I have told all find it mysterious. They ask me what being in a fellowship is like. I ask them if they have ever seen the film 'Fight Club' and it leads on from there.
Find what your personality traits are, drag them out and then use them. I have never met a truly boring person in recovery. I remember thinking someone was super boring after listening to them share in the rooms for a bit. Then one week they shared that they had just randomly go up into the hills and camp out for extended periods of time and go back to nature. I find that interesting.
Find yourself some hobbies, then utilise these. And when you have your personality traits on the table you can use them to describe yourself and start living by them.
Natom
Firstly congratulation on your sobriety. Secondly, it is possible to get rid of nerves and anxiety without resorting to booze or drugs. I use humour when I go out on dates now. It breaks the ice and tension and leads to various discussions. I wasn't always like this though. I used cocaine to make myself what I thought was articulate and interesting. Obviously I was just a snivelling wreck chatting crap but you know, we live and learn.
It took me a while to realise how to act in social situations with members of the opposite sex. I am by nature, a tiny bit innappropriate, but not in an offensive way. I play on this, it's my deadpan humour card. I had to find what skills and personality traits I had and then work to bring them out. Even the fact I am a recovering addict is an exceptional conversation piece. The women I have told all find it mysterious. They ask me what being in a fellowship is like. I ask them if they have ever seen the film 'Fight Club' and it leads on from there.
Find what your personality traits are, drag them out and then use them. I have never met a truly boring person in recovery. I remember thinking someone was super boring after listening to them share in the rooms for a bit. Then one week they shared that they had just randomly go up into the hills and camp out for extended periods of time and go back to nature. I find that interesting.
Find yourself some hobbies, then utilise these. And when you have your personality traits on the table you can use them to describe yourself and start living by them.
Natom
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 302
I hear you Natom, I think I've just been feeling a bit more lethargic than usual lately. It seems sometimes I can get a conversation to flow and go and other times I just can't. I'm always thinking about what to say and then after that wondering if it needs to be censored or if sounds stupid, which in turn just makes it come out wrong or unnatural. I gotta figure this out, once I've mastered this nervousness I think I've got drinking beat. I feel so close yet so far away, years ago I used to be a naturally funny guy (without drinking/drug use) that didn't need to put any effort or thought into it, but this was also when I was in my teenage years now I'm in my twenties. Much has changed since then, hopefully I'll get my spark back.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hey soberish; I used alcohol as a social lubricant and it was good that way, if I could have stopped at 1 or 2. Is it possible you're depressed? Only a thought I don't want to talk you into it. I've been investigating ways of raising my spirits naturally; keep coming across exercise for some reason!
Do you think your friend's sister is the final arbiter of whether you're boring? Because everyone makes judgements before they get to know someone properly, and she isn't the one who counts.
Do you think your friend's sister is the final arbiter of whether you're boring? Because everyone makes judgements before they get to know someone properly, and she isn't the one who counts.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
The number 1 reason I drank was to be able to talk to girls. The #2 reason was to talk to anybody else. 1 month is an incredibly short period of time to be alcohol free. If things weren't the way they were for you now, well... you probably wouldn't want to drink, and you wouldn't be on this forum trying to kick alcohol. 
In other words, you're right where you're supposed to be. The important question now for you is do you want to live like this, live like a drunk, or live an entirely new and much better life. If the answer is to live a new and better life, then the only way that's going to happen is if you do something to change the person that picked up a drink in the first place. There are a lot of ways to do that, but for me AA and the 12 steps had the best track record. I actually wasn't given any other option when I got sober, so I had no choice, and I'm happy it turned out that way.
When I put down the drink I had all kinds of fears and phobias. It took me a year before I was able to function like a somewhat normal human being. My social anxiety was so bad that I remember clearly after a year of sobriety going to my first college class. Psychology. About a week into it I got to class early and a pretty girl who sat in front of me started talking to me. I was nearly frozen. The bell rang for the start of class and she said she'll talk to me when the class was over. I obsessed for the entire 2 hours of that class, and bolted about a 1/2 second before the ending bell completed ringing.
I've since then dated more women than I'd like to admit, completed college, acted and directed plays while in college, became a HS teacher, gotten married to the greatest woman in the world, toured a bunch of countries playing in a R&R band, traveled to places with my wife that I only dreamed of going to while drinking, and had more to sometimes do in a month than I did in 6 years of drinking. There's tons more I could add to that short list. And that wasn't the person I was before I ever picked up a drink, I actually had nothing going for me whatsoever. Most interesting thing for me is I'm still kind of shy guy (till I get to know people), and when I look back, I sometimes wonder how I've gotten to all those places. I'm absolutely 150% certain however than none of it would have happened if I didn't enter sobriety with a totally open mind, totally willing to do whatever was suggested, to get sober and better. And again, all that education and training came to me through the rooms of AA.
In other words, you're right where you're supposed to be. The important question now for you is do you want to live like this, live like a drunk, or live an entirely new and much better life. If the answer is to live a new and better life, then the only way that's going to happen is if you do something to change the person that picked up a drink in the first place. There are a lot of ways to do that, but for me AA and the 12 steps had the best track record. I actually wasn't given any other option when I got sober, so I had no choice, and I'm happy it turned out that way.When I put down the drink I had all kinds of fears and phobias. It took me a year before I was able to function like a somewhat normal human being. My social anxiety was so bad that I remember clearly after a year of sobriety going to my first college class. Psychology. About a week into it I got to class early and a pretty girl who sat in front of me started talking to me. I was nearly frozen. The bell rang for the start of class and she said she'll talk to me when the class was over. I obsessed for the entire 2 hours of that class, and bolted about a 1/2 second before the ending bell completed ringing.
I've since then dated more women than I'd like to admit, completed college, acted and directed plays while in college, became a HS teacher, gotten married to the greatest woman in the world, toured a bunch of countries playing in a R&R band, traveled to places with my wife that I only dreamed of going to while drinking, and had more to sometimes do in a month than I did in 6 years of drinking. There's tons more I could add to that short list. And that wasn't the person I was before I ever picked up a drink, I actually had nothing going for me whatsoever. Most interesting thing for me is I'm still kind of shy guy (till I get to know people), and when I look back, I sometimes wonder how I've gotten to all those places. I'm absolutely 150% certain however than none of it would have happened if I didn't enter sobriety with a totally open mind, totally willing to do whatever was suggested, to get sober and better. And again, all that education and training came to me through the rooms of AA.
Member
.gif)
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 725
good post soberish,, and great replies guys,,, i thik when soberish,, u said i used to be great ect /funny before drink/drugs,,, then you still are,, and will be once again.
we never lose our traits,, weve just buried them and forgotten how to use em,,
dig em out,, you'll be suprised,, keep up the great work on one and half months,, well done xx
lv xx cleo xxxxx
we never lose our traits,, weve just buried them and forgotten how to use em,,
dig em out,, you'll be suprised,, keep up the great work on one and half months,, well done xx
lv xx cleo xxxxx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
Just remembered this... one time when I was going on a first date and was particuarly nervous - hey wait, do people still go on dates? anyway - I wrote up a list of questions to ask iin case there was awkward silence during dinner. There was awkward silence. With a very pregnant pause, I took the paper out of my pocket, slowly unfolded it, cleared my throat, and aksed the first question. Told her I came prepared. It worked, excellently.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 516
Congrats on one and a half months sober.
A lot of us used alcohol and drugs to get over social awkwardness. We've never really worked at developing our social skills so it's something we have to do when we get sober. Of course it takes times. Don't be hard on yourself about that. You're learning.
Obviously I wasn't part of the conversation you had with the girl but to me, it seems a little rude of her to repeat what her sister said about you. Hearing something like that is the last thing you need right now.
A lot of us used alcohol and drugs to get over social awkwardness. We've never really worked at developing our social skills so it's something we have to do when we get sober. Of course it takes times. Don't be hard on yourself about that. You're learning.
Obviously I wasn't part of the conversation you had with the girl but to me, it seems a little rude of her to repeat what her sister said about you. Hearing something like that is the last thing you need right now.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 302
Originally Posted by Joe Nerv 
The number 1 reason I drank was to be able to talk to girls. The #2 reason was to talk to anybody else. 1 month is an incredibly short period of time to be alcohol free. If things weren't the way they were for you now, well... you probably wouldn't want to drink, and you wouldn't be on this forum trying to kick alcohol. In other words, you're right where you're supposed to be. The important question now for you is do you want to live like this, live like a drunk, or live an entirely new and much better life. If the answer is to live a new and better life, then the only way that's going to happen is if you do something to change the person that picked up a drink in the first place. There are a lot of ways to do that, but for me AA and the 12 steps had the best track record. I actually wasn't given any other option when I got sober, so I had no choice, and I'm happy it turned out that way.
When I put down the drink I had all kinds of fears and phobias. It took me a year before I was able to function like a somewhat normal human being. My social anxiety was so bad that I remember clearly after a year of sobriety going to my first college class. Psychology. About a week into it I got to class early and a pretty girl who sat in front of me started talking to me. I was nearly frozen. The bell rang for the start of class and she said she'll talk to me when the class was over. I obsessed for the entire 2 hours of that class, and bolted about a 1/2 second before the ending bell completed ringing.
I've since then dated more women than I'd like to admit, completed college, acted and directed plays while in college, became a HS teacher, gotten married to the greatest woman in the world, toured a bunch of countries playing in a R&R band, traveled to places with my wife that I only dreamed of going to while drinking, and had more to sometimes do in a month than I did in 6 years of drinking. There's tons more I could add to that short list. And that wasn't the person I was before I ever picked up a drink, I actually had nothing going for me whatsoever. Most interesting thing for me is I'm still kind of shy guy (till I get to know people), and when I look back, I sometimes wonder how I've gotten to all those places. I'm absolutely 150% certain however than none of it would have happened if I didn't enter sobriety with a totally open mind, totally willing to do whatever was suggested, to get sober and better. And again, all that education and training came to me through the rooms of AA.
In other words, you're right where you're supposed to be. The important question now for you is do you want to live like this, live like a drunk, or live an entirely new and much better life. If the answer is to live a new and better life, then the only way that's going to happen is if you do something to change the person that picked up a drink in the first place. There are a lot of ways to do that, but for me AA and the 12 steps had the best track record. I actually wasn't given any other option when I got sober, so I had no choice, and I'm happy it turned out that way.When I put down the drink I had all kinds of fears and phobias. It took me a year before I was able to function like a somewhat normal human being. My social anxiety was so bad that I remember clearly after a year of sobriety going to my first college class. Psychology. About a week into it I got to class early and a pretty girl who sat in front of me started talking to me. I was nearly frozen. The bell rang for the start of class and she said she'll talk to me when the class was over. I obsessed for the entire 2 hours of that class, and bolted about a 1/2 second before the ending bell completed ringing.
I've since then dated more women than I'd like to admit, completed college, acted and directed plays while in college, became a HS teacher, gotten married to the greatest woman in the world, toured a bunch of countries playing in a R&R band, traveled to places with my wife that I only dreamed of going to while drinking, and had more to sometimes do in a month than I did in 6 years of drinking. There's tons more I could add to that short list. And that wasn't the person I was before I ever picked up a drink, I actually had nothing going for me whatsoever. Most interesting thing for me is I'm still kind of shy guy (till I get to know people), and when I look back, I sometimes wonder how I've gotten to all those places. I'm absolutely 150% certain however than none of it would have happened if I didn't enter sobriety with a totally open mind, totally willing to do whatever was suggested, to get sober and better. And again, all that education and training came to me through the rooms of AA.
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Hey soberish; I used alcohol as a social lubricant and it was good that way, if I could have stopped at 1 or 2. Is it possible you're depressed? Only a thought I don't want to talk you into it. I've been investigating ways of raising my spirits naturally; keep coming across exercise for some reason!
Do you think your friend's sister is the final arbiter of whether you're boring? Because everyone makes judgements before they get to know someone properly, and she isn't the one who counts.
Do you think your friend's sister is the final arbiter of whether you're boring? Because everyone makes judgements before they get to know someone properly, and she isn't the one who counts.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 302
Originally Posted by Cleopatra1
good post soberish,, and great replies guys,,, i thik when soberish,, u said i used to be great ect /funny before drink/drugs,,, then you still are,, and will be once again.
we never lose our traits,, weve just buried them and forgotten how to use em,,
dig em out,, you'll be suprised,, keep up the great work on one and half months,, well done xx
lv xx cleo xxxxx
we never lose our traits,, weve just buried them and forgotten how to use em,,
dig em out,, you'll be suprised,, keep up the great work on one and half months,, well done xx
lv xx cleo xxxxx
Originally Posted by Joe Nerv
Just remembered this... one time when I was going on a first date and was particuarly nervous - hey wait, do people still go on dates? anyway - I wrote up a list of questions to ask iin case there was awkward silence during dinner. There was awkward silence. With a very pregnant pause, I took the paper out of my pocket, slowly unfolded it, cleared my throat, and aksed the first question. Told her I came prepared. It worked, excellently.
Originally Posted by elihoping
Congrats on one and a half months sober.
A lot of us used alcohol and drugs to get over social awkwardness. We've never really worked at developing our social skills so it's something we have to do when we get sober. Of course it takes times. Don't be hard on yourself about that. You're learning.
Obviously I wasn't part of the conversation you had with the girl but to me, it seems a little rude of her to repeat what her sister said about you. Hearing something like that is the last thing you need right now.
A lot of us used alcohol and drugs to get over social awkwardness. We've never really worked at developing our social skills so it's something we have to do when we get sober. Of course it takes times. Don't be hard on yourself about that. You're learning.
Obviously I wasn't part of the conversation you had with the girl but to me, it seems a little rude of her to repeat what her sister said about you. Hearing something like that is the last thing you need right now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 611
I can relate to this feeling....lately I feel a bit dull and really OLD. I feel like maybe I was more fun when I was a crazy party girl. These days everything is routine; I go to my meetings and do my step work. Occasionallyy boyfriend and I go out to eat usually just the two of us. I have friends but I put off hanging out with them because I don't want to deal with trying to impress or entertain anyone (gosh that sounds awful now that I said it out loud). I wish I had a lot of wisdom to share but today and yesterday have been very hard days and I'm down. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the party for just a few days, come home again sober after that, but it never works that way with me. Once I start I don't stop until it gets ugly, even if it starts out as fun. So I guess we just hold on? I'm almost to 60 days and I know that's not very long so I'm just going to stay sober despite being slightly "boring" right now and eventually I think I'll find myself again and things will improve. You too. I imagine you're actually a lovely, funny, interesting person... Just a bit lost at the moment like me. A lot of changes.... It will be ok. I believe that in my soul.
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
I think it was kind of rude for the girl to repeat what her sister said too. That being said, did you find her sister entertaining and exciting? Maybe their company bored you and you reacted completely appropriately?
People like to talk about themselves, so if you ask questions, it will usually get the ball rolling and conversation springs from there. I've read that most alcoholics stop developing emotionally when they start drinking. If that's true, we all do need to take steps to catch up.
I feel more boring when I don't drink, but the reality is I do a lot more now that I'm not drinking and have more to talk about. I'm not as bored either, in many ways. I do feel like life without drinking takes on a kind of monotonous sameness, but I don't miss the drama that drinking brought. I'm sure once we have more sober time racked up it starts to balance out.
People like to talk about themselves, so if you ask questions, it will usually get the ball rolling and conversation springs from there. I've read that most alcoholics stop developing emotionally when they start drinking. If that's true, we all do need to take steps to catch up.
I feel more boring when I don't drink, but the reality is I do a lot more now that I'm not drinking and have more to talk about. I'm not as bored either, in many ways. I do feel like life without drinking takes on a kind of monotonous sameness, but I don't miss the drama that drinking brought. I'm sure once we have more sober time racked up it starts to balance out.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by FreeFall
I think it was kind of rude for the girl to repeat what her sister said too. That being said, did you find her sister entertaining and exciting? Maybe their company bored you and you reacted completely appropriately?
I would have responded with "I know you are, but what am I??" or "I am rubber, you are glue..." ha!
Dude, you are not boring. I've read this thread with interest. Your introspection and obvious intelligence is interesting in and of itself, and what constitutes "boring" is certainly relative. Being comfortable in your skin and being able to easily conversate is second nature to some, more of a learned skill for others. Just be authentic and confident...those are the single most attractive qualities a person can have in my opinion.
Tell your girl that you were holding back, so as not to overwhelm her sister with the blinding awesomeness that IS soberish...you were just being considerate
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 302
Originally Posted by BabyJane
I can relate to this feeling....lately I feel a bit dull and really OLD. I feel like maybe I was more fun when I was a crazy party girl. These days everything is routine; I go to my meetings and do my step work. Occasionallyy boyfriend and I go out to eat usually just the two of us. I have friends but I put off hanging out with them because I don't want to deal with trying to impress or entertain anyone (gosh that sounds awful now that I said it out loud). I wish I had a lot of wisdom to share but today and yesterday have been very hard days and I'm down. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the party for just a few days, come home again sober after that, but it never works that way with me. Once I start I don't stop until it gets ugly, even if it starts out as fun. So I guess we just hold on? I'm almost to 60 days and I know that's not very long so I'm just going to stay sober despite being slightly "boring" right now and eventually I think I'll find myself again and things will improve. You too. I imagine you're actually a lovely, funny, interesting person... Just a bit lost at the moment like me. A lot of changes.... It will be ok. I believe that in my soul.
Originally Posted by FreeFall
I think it was kind of rude for the girl to repeat what her sister said too. That being said, did you find her sister entertaining and exciting? Maybe their company bored you and you reacted completely appropriately?
People like to talk about themselves, so if you ask questions, it will usually get the ball rolling and conversation springs from there. I've read that most alcoholics stop developing emotionally when they start drinking. If that's true, we all do need to take steps to catch up.
I feel more boring when I don't drink, but the reality is I do a lot more now that I'm not drinking and have more to talk about. I'm not as bored either, in many ways. I do feel like life without drinking takes on a kind of monotonous sameness, but I don't miss the drama that drinking brought. I'm sure once we have more sober time racked up it starts to balance out.
People like to talk about themselves, so if you ask questions, it will usually get the ball rolling and conversation springs from there. I've read that most alcoholics stop developing emotionally when they start drinking. If that's true, we all do need to take steps to catch up.
I feel more boring when I don't drink, but the reality is I do a lot more now that I'm not drinking and have more to talk about. I'm not as bored either, in many ways. I do feel like life without drinking takes on a kind of monotonous sameness, but I don't miss the drama that drinking brought. I'm sure once we have more sober time racked up it starts to balance out.
Life without drinking does seem more routine, and I guess thats OK. Maybe I just need to slow down and accept it a little more?
Originally Posted by soberlicious
LOL that's exactly what I was thinking...who is she anyway? the "boring police"?
I would have responded with "I know you are, but what am I??" or "I am rubber, you are glue..." ha!
Dude, you are not boring. I've read this thread with interest. Your introspection and obvious intelligence is interesting in and of itself, and what constitutes "boring" is certainly relative. Being comfortable in your skin and being able to easily conversate is second nature to some, more of a learned skill for others. Just be authentic and confident...those are the single most attractive qualities a person can have in my opinion.
Tell your girl that you were holding back, so as not to overwhelm her sister with the blinding awesomeness that IS soberish...you were just being considerate
I would have responded with "I know you are, but what am I??" or "I am rubber, you are glue..." ha!
Dude, you are not boring. I've read this thread with interest. Your introspection and obvious intelligence is interesting in and of itself, and what constitutes "boring" is certainly relative. Being comfortable in your skin and being able to easily conversate is second nature to some, more of a learned skill for others. Just be authentic and confident...those are the single most attractive qualities a person can have in my opinion.
Tell your girl that you were holding back, so as not to overwhelm her sister with the blinding awesomeness that IS soberish...you were just being considerate
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Biggest loser and a girlie gossip session? Whoa, hold me back...the excitement is overwhelming...
Looks like the boring police should cuff herself.
Looks like the boring police should cuff herself.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
