Please Help.....

Old 01-14-2013, 06:44 PM
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Please Help.....

I know by now I should now what I need to do but, I still keep struggling....So, to make a long story short....what is the absolute best thing I must do since I have a daughter who was using heroin and now it seems her drug of choice is meth. She is 24 years old and a few weeks ago announced that she was moving in with my mom, my dad passed away almost 2 years ago so...my mom is there alone. There has been a couple you who have helped me so much with your advice and I thank you for that. Just wanted to put this out there and get some more advice. I think all of this started back when she was about 16 or 17 with marijuana but, the last 4 years I believe have been heroin and most recently meth. I honestly have thought about locking her up..
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Old 01-14-2013, 07:21 PM
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It is so tough to be the mother of an addict. It is almost hardwired in us that our job as a parent is to "save" them. We may accept in our heads that we didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it...but it takes longer to sink in to our hearts.

It really is up to her, though. She is 24 years old- and yes, she has damaged her brain with drugs...that's absolutely true. But...she is an adult, and entitled to the dignity of making her own mistakes.

The same is true of your mother - while I think it's a horrible idea for your mother to take her in...she needs to make that decision herself.

There is no right thing to do to "fix" your daughter. If there was, we wouldn't be here on SR. ALL our lived ones would be fixed. There are only things you can do to find peace for yourselves.

You need to decide what you need to do for yourself to find peace. If you are not ready to let go of trying to figure out how to save your daughter entirely...set some limits. Allow yourself an hour a day to research programs/solutions/whatever...and then try to focus on doing things for yourself. AlAnon meetings, getting together with friends, reading a non-addiction-related book, going for a walk- whatever...spend some time on rebuilding your own life.
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Old 01-14-2013, 07:56 PM
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I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. It is so incredibly sad to hear (or read) the sorrow in a mother's words......my child is an addict.

Keep reading, go to meetings, and take care of yourself. Be as healthy emotionally, psychologically, and physically as you can be......you can be a beacon......a light for your daughter to see. We'll pray that she hits a bottom soon that makes her want the kind of help that will truly help her.

She announced that she's moving in with your mother......is your mother on board with that?

We'll walk with you.

gentle hugs from another mother
ke
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Old 01-14-2013, 08:15 PM
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My mom so far has been fine with it. I hate it, I really wish my daughter would just stay with us and get help, everything would be so much easier if she would just get help. I just hate this whole situation and of course I blame myself too for things I did or did not do in her teen years, maybe that would have made a difference in who she is today. She has so much potential and she is just throwing it all away. I love her so much and just want her back. The old her, before the drugs took over.
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Old 01-15-2013, 04:58 AM
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I would suggest that both you and your mother get to Naranon meetings and read Codependent No More.

Enabling is not the answer, in fact it is part of the problem. Until she falls to her knees she will never have a chance to get back up and find recovery...for life. She is 24, should have a job and a place of her own to live, not living with you or your mother.

You can't change your mother or her thinking, however, you can change yours, allow your daughter the diginity to find her way, hopefully to recovery, so that she can become a responsible, productive member of society.

Sending support your way.
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Old 01-15-2013, 05:09 AM
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I'm so sorry you are dealing with the heartache of watching your child make these horrible choices.

Is your mother aware of your daughters addiction? I hope that your daughters reasons for wanting to go live with her aren't to pawn all of her jewlery and take every cent she has by begging for money when she runs out of things to sell. I only say this because I have seen this happen many times and it is heartbreaking.

All you can do is work on getting yourself emotionally and physically healthy. Your daughter is a grown woman, and needs to feel the consequences of her actions. Have you thought about setting some boundaries to help protect yourself from the chaos of addiction? At least if she moves out you won't have to witness everything she does day in and day out.

Try to put yourself first. I know it is hard, but it is all you can do. The only person that can help your daughter is herself.
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Old 01-15-2013, 06:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Softball27 View Post
I know by now I should now what I need to do but, I still keep struggling....So, to make a long story short....what is the absolute best thing I must do since I have a daughter who was using heroin and now it seems her drug of choice is meth. She is 24 years old and a few weeks ago announced that she was moving in with my mom, my dad passed away almost 2 years ago so...my mom is there alone. There has been a couple you who have helped me so much with your advice and I thank you for that. Just wanted to put this out there and get some more advice. I think all of this started back when she was about 16 or 17 with marijuana but, the last 4 years I believe have been heroin and most recently meth. I honestly have thought about locking her up..
I am always so moved by parents who have addicted offspring. I'm using the term offspring because, in your case and my own, they are not children anymore. They are adults. That is an extremely important distinction.

Love can cause us to do some extraordinary things. It took me a while to determine that some of those things I did were actually having the exact opposite affect than what I wanted. I was desperately trying to impose MY will on my addicted son. I was desperately trying to force MY dreams for him down his throat. And I was doing everything I thought a "good" mother would do to get him to see what he was doing to himself. I was making myself crazy. My life (if you could call it that) was out of control. I didn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I couldn't BREATHE without being consumed by my fears for my son. Does any of this sound familiar?

Just like the addict, I had to reach a bottom. A point where I was so miserable that I could barely function.

God has always taken care of me.....even when I thought that God was a myth. My bottom happened while I was in the hospital. I was in for yet another intestinal infection. I had already lost 1/2 of my large intestine.....my worry was literally eating me up from the inside out. While lying in that hospital bed, I had a total meltdown. I was where I needed to be when it happened. I think God knew that if I had been anywhere else, I would have killed myself.

I knew I needed help......as much or more than my son needed help. He was numbed by drugs....while I was trying to cope with his addiction stone, cold sober. I had gone to meetings (Al-Anon) from time to time but didn't go regularly. Quite honestly.....I didn't "get it". After my meltdown, I decided that I was going to do what people had been telling me I needed to do all along...I was going to work the program that I wish my son would work. I was going to lead by example. I began going to Nar-Anon meetings regularly and joined a step study group. I eventually got a sponsor. I read and prayed daily. I did a gratitude exercise for two months daily. I really worked it.

It took a while....but I started to feel better. Better than I have ever felt in my life. I was discovering the serenity that people talked about.....and it felt good.

I watched as my son lost everything. EVERYTHING. His son. All of his possessions--he pawned, traded for drugs, or they were stolen. He was homeless and unemployed. And I did my fair share of rescuing as he made his descent. But as I learned more about detachment with love, taking care of myself first, and allowing my son to reach his bottom......I did better. I allowed my son the dignity to learn his own life lessons and it was HARD as hell to watch him lose everything. But I stuck to MY program of recovery to the best of my ability.

I made changes. Those changes were for me and for the other people in my life who loved me. There is no doubt that if I had stayed on my path of enabling my son, one of us (or both) would be dead. All of these things happened over the course of 15 years......starting when my son was in high school. He is now 31.

Currently.....my son is in recovery (this is a recent turn of events). I am able to live in today and thank God that he is sober today. Do I think I played a role in it? I don't know. Will he stay sober? I don't know. But what I do know is that I got my life back for ME.

We have choices.....just like the addict. We can wrestle with the devil or we can turn that fight over to a Higher Power.

For me.......working the program I wished my son would work....worked.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 01-15-2013, 01:45 PM
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Hi Softball27,
I'm not the parent of an addict, in my case it was a partner, but I read this post and felt impelled to say - please make sure your mother understands what drug addiction is like!
One of my cousins who had a drug problem moved in with my grandmother, and she brought hell into my grandmother's home - a kind of hell my grandmother never even knew existed. My grandmother was getting dirty phone calls late at night (in her 80s), she was getting robbed, she had strange people wafting in and out of the house. Probably more that she never told anyone. She was scared! And I really don't think she understood what was really happening.
She thought she could help my cousin, but she had no idea at all of what was to come and, to be honest with you, it destroyed her. She had a kind of nervous breakdown from which she did not recover.
She was a wonderful woman, she had helped many others in her life before but she had never dealt with a drug problem before. I know it's your mother's decision, but please make sure she really knows what she's getting into!
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Old 01-15-2013, 02:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Softball27 View Post
My mom so far has been fine with it. I hate it, I really wish my daughter would just stay with us and get help, everything would be so much easier if she would just get help. I just hate this whole situation and of course I blame myself too for things I did or did not do in her teen years, maybe that would have made a difference in who she is today. She has so much potential and she is just throwing it all away. I love her so much and just want her back. The old her, before the drugs took over.
I understand how you feel softball. I too would cut a limb off if I thought it could help my son. bottom line no matter how hard it is to face, is that your daughter will not quit if she is not ready. We want to protect them from the addiction and the consequences, but we are unable and not in control of any outcomes. I would definitely let your Mom know what she is getting into. If your daughter has resorted to stealing to support her habit, PLEASE get your Moms valuables into a safetly deposit box.
I will pray for your sanity and please keep reading and posting, we are all here for you
Hugs
TT
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