He is dying
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 64
He is dying
I am reaching out, as my family is in deep crisis and I am one of the only ones standing strong- and putting my foot down on the enabling that has gone on for years. Here we go. I will make this as short as possible, but I welcome ALL AND ANY - good or bad feedback. Please.
My brother is dying in the hospital right now. He has congestive heart failure brought on by YEARS of alcohol abuse. He is the third of four children and has always been the golden child. Good looking, funny, everyone always wanted to be his friend. My parents always adored him and really he was held to a different standard than the rest of us. He got away with murder. I know that is what has lead to the YEARS of abuse he has put my parents through.
Yes, they have enabled him to a degree that he is crippled. He has not supported his family in over 17 years and my elder parents are constantly bailing him out. His kids drive very expensive cars, go to private university and he has always lived in the nicest part of town. My parents have enabled him to live a phony life. It is a disaster.
Here is the problem: my sister in law HATES my brother. I get it. She has been lied to, their lives are a mess yet she never worked, she always had help and she is acting like this is all a suprise. I understand denial. I get it. But, today I told her she needed to learn to stand on her own two feet. It is time she starts taking some responsibility at 55 years of age and go get a job. She is college educated and has never had a job.
Am I wrong? She drinks right along with him. The irony: he is dying in the hosiptal and she went home and tied one on last night. She couldn't even get out of bed to get to the hosipital this am. Plus-she hates him so much she doesn't care. I feel like this cycle will never break and if I don't step in- my parents will be taking care of her and her kids the rest of their lives. They are considering selling their own home to take care of them!!!!! This is insane!! Did I mention all the kids have college degrees, live at home, do not pay rent and drive expensive cars????? They are in their mid twenties. This is a mess. Thank you for reading.
My brother is dying in the hospital right now. He has congestive heart failure brought on by YEARS of alcohol abuse. He is the third of four children and has always been the golden child. Good looking, funny, everyone always wanted to be his friend. My parents always adored him and really he was held to a different standard than the rest of us. He got away with murder. I know that is what has lead to the YEARS of abuse he has put my parents through.
Yes, they have enabled him to a degree that he is crippled. He has not supported his family in over 17 years and my elder parents are constantly bailing him out. His kids drive very expensive cars, go to private university and he has always lived in the nicest part of town. My parents have enabled him to live a phony life. It is a disaster.
Here is the problem: my sister in law HATES my brother. I get it. She has been lied to, their lives are a mess yet she never worked, she always had help and she is acting like this is all a suprise. I understand denial. I get it. But, today I told her she needed to learn to stand on her own two feet. It is time she starts taking some responsibility at 55 years of age and go get a job. She is college educated and has never had a job.
Am I wrong? She drinks right along with him. The irony: he is dying in the hosiptal and she went home and tied one on last night. She couldn't even get out of bed to get to the hosipital this am. Plus-she hates him so much she doesn't care. I feel like this cycle will never break and if I don't step in- my parents will be taking care of her and her kids the rest of their lives. They are considering selling their own home to take care of them!!!!! This is insane!! Did I mention all the kids have college degrees, live at home, do not pay rent and drive expensive cars????? They are in their mid twenties. This is a mess. Thank you for reading.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 594
I am so sorry for your brother, and you having to go through this situation. There are a lot of great people here that will share their experience strength and hope with you. Your post really touched me. I can almost feel your sadness and frustration. The best I can say is take care of yourself. We can't be of any help to others if WE are not well.
Stoic
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wash D.C.
Posts: 321
You have my thoughts and sympathies for your dying brother. Alcoholism just sucks. 
The fact his Alcoholism is affecting every single member of the family is just proof at its insidiousness.
My advice? Love him as much as you can before he passes, so that you will not regret letting that opportunity pass. The only person you can help here, is yourself, so ease your own grief by letting him know you love him and will miss him.
The fact his Alcoholism is affecting every single member of the family is just proof at its insidiousness.
My advice? Love him as much as you can before he passes, so that you will not regret letting that opportunity pass. The only person you can help here, is yourself, so ease your own grief by letting him know you love him and will miss him.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
I'm so sorry ... what a tragedy. Are your parents still competent? If they are, not much you can that will break a lifetime of behaviors. If you think they are not of sound mind, maybe get a lawyer involved. Is all of the rest of the family on the same page?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
I'm terribly sorry for you troubles, it sounds awful.
Are you wrong, no, can you make it stop, no.
Honey, find your own peace and let those around you sort themselves out.
You can not cure this disease in others, only yourself.
Are you wrong, no, can you make it stop, no.
Honey, find your own peace and let those around you sort themselves out.
You can not cure this disease in others, only yourself.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It's awful to watch someone die of this disease, I'm sorry it has brought so much pain to your family.
Sounds like your sister-in-law is an alcoholic, too, and with an equally unmanageable life (albeit one with more physical resilience).
Unless your parents are incompetent, they have every right to rain money on this family. It may not be fair and it may not be sensible, but it's their money. As the others have noted, the only one you can control is yourself.
I think if I were you, I would show your dying brother what compassion you can, and let go of the dysfunctional others. You don't have to be a player in this train-wreck. Try to let go of your bitterness about your SIL and her kids and your parents' involvement in their lives. It does not have to affect you unless you allow it to.
Hugs,
Sounds like your sister-in-law is an alcoholic, too, and with an equally unmanageable life (albeit one with more physical resilience).
Unless your parents are incompetent, they have every right to rain money on this family. It may not be fair and it may not be sensible, but it's their money. As the others have noted, the only one you can control is yourself.
I think if I were you, I would show your dying brother what compassion you can, and let go of the dysfunctional others. You don't have to be a player in this train-wreck. Try to let go of your bitterness about your SIL and her kids and your parents' involvement in their lives. It does not have to affect you unless you allow it to.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
This is from The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie (Jan 4th reading). I'm going to abbreviate it a little.
Separating from Family Issues
We can draw a healthy line, a healthy boundary, between ourselves and our nuclear family. We can separate ourselves from their issues.
Some of us may have family members who are addicted to alcohol and other drugs and who are not in recovery from their addiction.
Some of us may have family members who have unresolved codependency issues. Family members may be addicted to misery, pain, suffering, martyrdom, and victimization.
We may be like our family. We may love our family. But we are separate human beings with individual rights and issues. One of our primary rights is to begin feeling better and recovering, whether or not others in the family choose to do the same. Taking care of ourselves and becoming healthy and happy does not mean we do not love them. It means we're addressing our issues.
We do not have to judge them because they have issues; nor do we have to allow them to do anything they would like to us just because they are family.
We are free now, free to take care of ourselves with family members. Our freedom starts when we stop denying their issues ,and politely, but assertively, hand their stuff back to them - where it belongs - and deal with our own issues.
Today, I will separate myself from family members. I am a separate human being, even though I belong to a unit called a family. I have a right to my own issues and growth; my family members have a right to their issues and a right to choose where and when they will deal with these issues. I can learn to detach in love from my family members and their issues. I am willing to work through all necessary feelings in order to accomplish this.
Separating from Family Issues
We can draw a healthy line, a healthy boundary, between ourselves and our nuclear family. We can separate ourselves from their issues.
Some of us may have family members who are addicted to alcohol and other drugs and who are not in recovery from their addiction.
Some of us may have family members who have unresolved codependency issues. Family members may be addicted to misery, pain, suffering, martyrdom, and victimization.
We may be like our family. We may love our family. But we are separate human beings with individual rights and issues. One of our primary rights is to begin feeling better and recovering, whether or not others in the family choose to do the same. Taking care of ourselves and becoming healthy and happy does not mean we do not love them. It means we're addressing our issues.
We do not have to judge them because they have issues; nor do we have to allow them to do anything they would like to us just because they are family.
We are free now, free to take care of ourselves with family members. Our freedom starts when we stop denying their issues ,and politely, but assertively, hand their stuff back to them - where it belongs - and deal with our own issues.
Today, I will separate myself from family members. I am a separate human being, even though I belong to a unit called a family. I have a right to my own issues and growth; my family members have a right to their issues and a right to choose where and when they will deal with these issues. I can learn to detach in love from my family members and their issues. I am willing to work through all necessary feelings in order to accomplish this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
So sorry this has happened to your brother regardless of why ......
I agree with the others you cannot stop your parents - I am sure the conversation has been broached before. You can step away from watching the enabling continue. My advice would be to do so. It would anger me to the point of madness and would be my only choice - detach from them and the entire situation.
Al Anon would be a good place for you.
Prayers go out to you and your family.
I agree with the others you cannot stop your parents - I am sure the conversation has been broached before. You can step away from watching the enabling continue. My advice would be to do so. It would anger me to the point of madness and would be my only choice - detach from them and the entire situation.
Al Anon would be a good place for you.
Prayers go out to you and your family.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Yes it is a mess. However it is their mess not yours if you dont let it.
Hope for the best that the wife gets a job or that the kids help with bills or your parents stop. There
Are alot of people in this situation and all of them have the ability to stop it.
Not you them and like an addict. ..it must be them to do so.
Hopefully out of the 6 (?) People someone stands up and says enough...
Either one if the kids or wife from feeling guilty
Or your parents from feeling burden but they must feel one or the other until theyve had wnough of the cycle.
Let them figure it out and just give your love and kindness while they all do so.
Hope for the best that the wife gets a job or that the kids help with bills or your parents stop. There
Are alot of people in this situation and all of them have the ability to stop it.
Not you them and like an addict. ..it must be them to do so.
Hopefully out of the 6 (?) People someone stands up and says enough...
Either one if the kids or wife from feeling guilty
Or your parents from feeling burden but they must feel one or the other until theyve had wnough of the cycle.
Let them figure it out and just give your love and kindness while they all do so.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I am sorry about your brother. It is also a shame that your parents may have enabled him to an early grave. There are parents who just won't let go, who just never understand.
All you can do is let go and move forward with your life, they all must help themselves you cannot do it for them.
All you can do is let go and move forward with your life, they all must help themselves you cannot do it for them.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
One golden recovery nugget- "an expectation is a planned resentment".......IMHO you would really benefit from Alanon where we learn ; we didn't cause it, can't cure it, and cannot control it......and the 4 m's ; do not manage, manipulate, mother or be a martyr...
...We live in the 12 steps that help us learn to handle these things and who we have power over- ourselves......and if they are open to it- take your Mom and Dad.
...We live in the 12 steps that help us learn to handle these things and who we have power over- ourselves......and if they are open to it- take your Mom and Dad.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
My heart goes out to you and you are in a difficult situation to say the least...But everyone here is correct as sad as it is. You can only control yourself and your own actions. As for your sil she will seek help only after she hits her bottom as well as your brothers children. Just pull away for awhile and seperate yourself from all the mayhem because I can tell in your post that this situation is eating you alive hunny...they are only doing what addicts do....get out of he way and let God do what he does best....you are only slowing down the process by getting in the way of them hitting their bottoms. Let go and let God. Take care.
Janitw
Janitw
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