SoaringSpirits

My AH and I are going through the legal separation process and we chose the mediation route. We are in mediation with a mediation attorney that we see each week as we hammer out our very complex estate. We each have separate attorneys as well. Our relationship is reasonably amicable.

I had concerns going into mediation, as my AH is very passive-aggressive and will readily agree to things (entering a residential program, getting a Soberlink device), but not follow through on them. This is starting to cost us some serious money in the form of wasted mediation time.

Last week our mediator told us that he had major concerns that, due to my husband's alcoholism and lack of response to our mediated agreements, we might not be able to continue on in mediation. This was not a huge surprise. We've agreed to try 2 more mediation sessions, then change into a collaborative process after that if there is no progress made. Have spent nearly $10k so far on legal, with no end in sight. Currently spending $900/week on mediation sessions alone!

I'm curious if any of you have gone through the mediation or collaborative divorce process with your non-sober A, and what your experience was.

lizatola

I have no advice but I just wanted to say that I should have been a lawyer! And, this is one of my biggest fears. We don't have a lot of money and a divorce could wipe us both out cost wise. UGH!

I hope you guys work through things quickly and that after all is said and done, that you both can move on happily with your own lives.

LexieCat

My first divorce was from an alcoholic with long-term sobriety. We worked out our own agreement and just had our own lawyers look it over to be sure there were no unintended consequences. Cheap and easy.

My second divorce was from a passive-aggressive non-sober alcoholic, who fortunately did not have the proverbial pot to pee in, so I represented myself and told him to take it or leave it and ultimately he agreed to my (extremely fair and generous) proposal.

Sounds like the mediation costs are adding up for exactly the reasons you mentioned. Since your relationship is fairly amicable, maybe the thing for you to do is to have your attorney draft a proposal that meets most of your requirements, and suggest that, while you are willing to consider reasonable alternatives, it is time to wrap up the negotiations. If you get a reasonable counterproposal, take it. It's the only way to come to an end. Usually neither party gets exactly what s/he would like, but if you can agree to something acceptable, the peace that comes with a final resolution is priceless.

mmk11

My counselor suggested something about divorce (regardless if either of the spouses is an alcoholic: come to an agreement that is equally unfair.

Proved true in my case, as STBXAH is paying more than he wanted, and I'm not getting as much as I wanted. I could've filed motions, pursued discovery, etc, but I just wanted it to be over. Unfortunately, opposing counsel takes his time making revisions to the decree, communicating to my attorney, and is generally unresponsive.

SoaringSpirits

This is pretty much where I'm at. Time to fish or cut bait. It's really amazing how well the alcoholic manipulates those around him, even the attorneys.