Newbie with ?'s re appropriate boundaries
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Newbie with ?'s re appropriate boundaries
I’ve been reading on this site for several weeks and have finally found the courage to post. I have found many tidbits of strength from this site and I would like to thank you all for your honesty and openness.
I am the mother of a smart, handsome, creative, witty….22 year old meth addict. My son has been battling his demons for about 5 years, progressing from pot to meth. He’s been arrested more times than I can count but we have never bailed him out. He’s been completely non-compliant with his probation and now has active warrants. He has stretched what should have been a 24 month probation into 5 years. He initially had a DOSA (deferred sentence) that was revoked which led him to being sentenced to the original 24 month prison sentence. They did all of the adjustments (good time, rehab stint (court-ordered)) and dropped the 24 months to about 6 months. The entire time he was in prison he wrote letters saying how he was never going back, how much better he felt clean, etc. He made a plan for himself. He filed the paperwork to get his probation switched to California; he arranged to work for his cousin who had offered him a job if he was clean. He was released and moved into an Oxford House while he waited for the transfer. He found a lot of support in the house, attended meetings all the time…but he wasn’t willing to give up his “old friends”…(you know the ones who care for him so much they never wrote to him in prison). 5 weeks later he relapsed and has been on the run and completely down in it since. When we learned of his relapse my husband and I offered him treatment. He refused. He told me that he never wanted to go to California… that he was only doing that because he knew it was what I wanted. He said the only time he’s been clean is when he’s been forced and he has no desire to be clean. He said he wanted no help from us and that until he “hit bottom” there wasn’t anything we could do. I told him I would give him a day to think about if that is what he truly meant and he assured me he meant every word of it. I shut his phone off that day (we had arranged a phone after prison to assist with the move to CA). That same night I began attending al-anon meetings, which have been quite helpful. I’ve been attending consistently for the last 4 months. I’m struggling a bit with the complete surrender but honestly believe until he seeks help himself that we truly are powerless. I have also been attending an open AA meeting which I have found helpful. I’ve been reading the al-anon literature and really trying to work on setting firm boundaries while providing a consistent message that once he is ready for help we will see that it happens (my/his insurance will pay 100% of the best treatment center in our state). So…sorry to ramble…in recent weeks my son has begun posting ridiculous status updates on facebook, it’s obvious he is completely out of his mind. I am not “friends” with him but many of my family members are and they find it quite concerning “have you seen this? What are you doing to help him?” The questions are endless. I KNOW I cannot control this. I KNOW I didn’t cause it…nor can I cure it. Last week he posted “I miss you mom, it’s a shame you won’t speak to me because of the chemicals I put in my body”. When I first heard, I looked at it…bracing myself expecting to see an outpouring of “poor guy, she’s a beeyotch”…but I didn’t. What I did see were people talking about tough love…encouraging him to seek help…telling him I couldn’t fix it for him etc. In one of his posts he wrote that he “prayed every day to get arrested so his life could get back to normal”. (Seriously…normal??) In my opinion, I believe he wants someone else to force him to clean up so he doesn’t have to use his “I’ve hit bottom” card; essentially planning his next relapse. I don’t know…I’m probably projecting but as you know…this stuff can make you crazy!
The point of my post is this. How far have other members gone in setting their boundaries? Is it appropriate to say “Contact me when you’ve had 3, 6 or 12 months clean”? I don’t foresee him asking for help but do anticipate him being forced again. I don’t live near him so don’t see the daily damage but he has made a point of letting me know how hungry he is…how much weight he has lost. But every time…when I ask “are you ready?” he doesn’t respond. Just wanting to know if there are other parents struggling with boundaries….knowing they need to hand it over but feeling heartless when they do. Some days I feel very empowered, others...not so much. I’m hoping you haven’t fallen asleep reading this!
If you’ve made it to the bottom I appreciate YOU!
I am the mother of a smart, handsome, creative, witty….22 year old meth addict. My son has been battling his demons for about 5 years, progressing from pot to meth. He’s been arrested more times than I can count but we have never bailed him out. He’s been completely non-compliant with his probation and now has active warrants. He has stretched what should have been a 24 month probation into 5 years. He initially had a DOSA (deferred sentence) that was revoked which led him to being sentenced to the original 24 month prison sentence. They did all of the adjustments (good time, rehab stint (court-ordered)) and dropped the 24 months to about 6 months. The entire time he was in prison he wrote letters saying how he was never going back, how much better he felt clean, etc. He made a plan for himself. He filed the paperwork to get his probation switched to California; he arranged to work for his cousin who had offered him a job if he was clean. He was released and moved into an Oxford House while he waited for the transfer. He found a lot of support in the house, attended meetings all the time…but he wasn’t willing to give up his “old friends”…(you know the ones who care for him so much they never wrote to him in prison). 5 weeks later he relapsed and has been on the run and completely down in it since. When we learned of his relapse my husband and I offered him treatment. He refused. He told me that he never wanted to go to California… that he was only doing that because he knew it was what I wanted. He said the only time he’s been clean is when he’s been forced and he has no desire to be clean. He said he wanted no help from us and that until he “hit bottom” there wasn’t anything we could do. I told him I would give him a day to think about if that is what he truly meant and he assured me he meant every word of it. I shut his phone off that day (we had arranged a phone after prison to assist with the move to CA). That same night I began attending al-anon meetings, which have been quite helpful. I’ve been attending consistently for the last 4 months. I’m struggling a bit with the complete surrender but honestly believe until he seeks help himself that we truly are powerless. I have also been attending an open AA meeting which I have found helpful. I’ve been reading the al-anon literature and really trying to work on setting firm boundaries while providing a consistent message that once he is ready for help we will see that it happens (my/his insurance will pay 100% of the best treatment center in our state). So…sorry to ramble…in recent weeks my son has begun posting ridiculous status updates on facebook, it’s obvious he is completely out of his mind. I am not “friends” with him but many of my family members are and they find it quite concerning “have you seen this? What are you doing to help him?” The questions are endless. I KNOW I cannot control this. I KNOW I didn’t cause it…nor can I cure it. Last week he posted “I miss you mom, it’s a shame you won’t speak to me because of the chemicals I put in my body”. When I first heard, I looked at it…bracing myself expecting to see an outpouring of “poor guy, she’s a beeyotch”…but I didn’t. What I did see were people talking about tough love…encouraging him to seek help…telling him I couldn’t fix it for him etc. In one of his posts he wrote that he “prayed every day to get arrested so his life could get back to normal”. (Seriously…normal??) In my opinion, I believe he wants someone else to force him to clean up so he doesn’t have to use his “I’ve hit bottom” card; essentially planning his next relapse. I don’t know…I’m probably projecting but as you know…this stuff can make you crazy!
The point of my post is this. How far have other members gone in setting their boundaries? Is it appropriate to say “Contact me when you’ve had 3, 6 or 12 months clean”? I don’t foresee him asking for help but do anticipate him being forced again. I don’t live near him so don’t see the daily damage but he has made a point of letting me know how hungry he is…how much weight he has lost. But every time…when I ask “are you ready?” he doesn’t respond. Just wanting to know if there are other parents struggling with boundaries….knowing they need to hand it over but feeling heartless when they do. Some days I feel very empowered, others...not so much. I’m hoping you haven’t fallen asleep reading this!
If you’ve made it to the bottom I appreciate YOU!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear Lizwig, I have a 22 year old son who is currently in jail on burglary charges for stealing from us (4 times). His DOC is heroin, however after he got out of rehab last March, he started using crystal meth and heroin. He went absolutely insane for almost 4 months, then turned himself in because he had been shot at and stabbed in the hand. He is in jail until feb 10. My boundaries are crystal clear. I will NOT support anyone in active addiction. He is prepared to go to rehab and really commit to his sobriety this time. Last time he was in rehab, my Mother and I babied him, gave him money weekly and basically let him off the hook for everything. I adore my son, but he must understand his behavior and choices have consequences. I also tried the "engaging on Facebook". It was an obsession that did not serve me well. Your son has told you his intentions. I think the only thing you can do is exactly what you are doing. Good for you for turning off his phone. Let him figure out that his choices and his lifestyle are his responsibility.
Keep reading, there is tons of good information and many Mamma's here to help you.
Hugs,
Teresa
Keep reading, there is tons of good information and many Mamma's here to help you.
Hugs,
Teresa
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Welcome, Lizwig. We are all sorry you are here but happy you found us, and it is great that you posted. It is clear from your post that you are working hard on your own recovery, and that is the only thing that will make any difference in your life. Of course you'll be thrilled if your AS is ready to get sober sooner rather than later, but as the Momma Posse here will likely tell you, taking care of yourself is the very first step towards serenity and sanity.
I am the mother of a 19-yo RAD (heroin) who has been sober since June 29. No one here can tell you what the best thing to do is regarding contact, as you probably expected we'd say, but I do know that in my experience, I have to make decisions that feels right to me, and only make a boundary when I know I can enforce it and won't waffle on it. I have been gentle with myself because learning to back-off has been painful. I have had to do it little by little, with the most painful decision having been last summer when I did not allow her to live at home when she decided to leave rehab 60 days early. That about killed me, but also made me so much stronger. Also, and you may relate to this, I had to accept the fact that other people might not understand my decision, and may question my parenting, or my anything. So part of that decision included me learning to NOT CARE what others thought of me (like what you expected on FB). It hurts at first because it is uncomfortable, but ever since, I have been able to make good progress in other areas of my life.
Whatever you decide, just make sure you are comfortable and certain with it. Over time, I have noticed, such discernment will get easier. I wish you peace and continued strength. You are clearly a strong and thoughtful person. Keep up the good work.
I am the mother of a 19-yo RAD (heroin) who has been sober since June 29. No one here can tell you what the best thing to do is regarding contact, as you probably expected we'd say, but I do know that in my experience, I have to make decisions that feels right to me, and only make a boundary when I know I can enforce it and won't waffle on it. I have been gentle with myself because learning to back-off has been painful. I have had to do it little by little, with the most painful decision having been last summer when I did not allow her to live at home when she decided to leave rehab 60 days early. That about killed me, but also made me so much stronger. Also, and you may relate to this, I had to accept the fact that other people might not understand my decision, and may question my parenting, or my anything. So part of that decision included me learning to NOT CARE what others thought of me (like what you expected on FB). It hurts at first because it is uncomfortable, but ever since, I have been able to make good progress in other areas of my life.
Whatever you decide, just make sure you are comfortable and certain with it. Over time, I have noticed, such discernment will get easier. I wish you peace and continued strength. You are clearly a strong and thoughtful person. Keep up the good work.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Thanks "Ilovemysonjj", I have found I always find a "nugget" to take with me from this site. It's been so helpful. Boy can I relate to the chaos you mention above. Funny enough, my mother and I both encouraged him the last time he was in treatment as well as prison. Put money on his phone card, wrote letters etc... I know when/if he finds himself there again my stance will be much different this time around. I will pay more attention to the actions rather than the words. Thank you for pointing out fb becoming an obsession. I am trying not to "peek" but have found it difficult not to seeing as it's really my only way of knowing if he's alive or not. It is not serving me well. I'm going to use your words of encouragement and pump the brakes next time I feel the urge to look. I will keep you and your son in my prayers...wishing the very best for him this time around.
Hugs,
Lizwig
Hugs,
Lizwig
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Thank you Gardenmama. Very wise advice. I do need to remind myself to be gentle with me as well...striving for progress not perfection right?! You'd think I'd be a pro after the chaos of the last 5 years but I have to say, even though I knew I couldn't save him, or do his work, I hadn't started working on my own recovery until 4 months ago. I had read a couple of books but no concrete steps or anything. I can already feel a difference in how I sleep, how I feel inside my skin but would be lying if I didn't admit to days of complete and utter fear for what the future holds. I'll get there...one day at a time. Thanks again...sending a hug your way too.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
One of the things I found helpful in "weaning" myself from the effects of the FB obsession was to tell myself I would not look at it after 8 p.m. at night. That way, if I saw something disturbing, I wouldn't lose sleep over it. Not as "healthy" as ignoring it altogether...but a baby step towards serenity.
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