Best Way to Find Sober Living?

Old 01-14-2013, 09:29 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
HopefulmomtoD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Best Way to Find Sober Living?

Presently my AS is in rehab. I have no idea how long insurance will keep him and fear I could get a phone call saying he is ready to be discharged at anytime. I know they will help with some discharge planning, but in the meantime I'm trying to do some research and figure out my options. We've already paid big $ and aren't doing that again. He had expensive 30 day rehab, and "quality" extended sober living for six months. Brought him home and he relapsed in around a month. We don't want him back home, and we don't want him homeless. He doesn't really have other options. So, would love to find some sober living that isn't ridiculously expensive where he could get to meetings, get a job, etc. Googling hasn't given much ... Any ideas where to look to find one? And, should we look for something close to home or would it be better for away? We're thinking of telling him that he has to have one year sober before even thinking of living at home again. Ideas? Suggestions?

I am meeting his sponsor tomorrow and maybe he'll have some ideas.
HopefulmomtoD is offline  
Old 01-14-2013, 10:37 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I've read your previous posts, so I know your son is an adult. Young, but still an adult. What is HE doing about recovery planning? If he's in rehab, someone should be available to give him information on sober living, etc. You don't "want" him home, and don't "want" him homeless....but that isn't really in your power to control. When you set the boundary that he can't come home, he needs to pick up from there and find solutions. Otherwise, nothing changes in the end if you still do the work and find the solutions for him. Let him figure it out, let him work with his sponsor or his counselors in rehab to figure it out.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I"m hearing you step in to figure out what he does next. It's his journey. Give him the opportunity to decide his future for himself.
Recovering2 is offline  
Old 01-14-2013, 10:38 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
JMFburns's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Hopeful,

No wise words of wisdom here. I don't know how old your son is.

My son was 28 (approx.) when he last got clean - but had struggled with a couple attempts before that. He was homeless at the time and ended up in a recovery house and then sober living on the governments expense. (They were NOT top of the line places.)

I remember the googling and searching I used to do to try to find a place for him . . . I was doing waaay more work searching than he ever was. I was torn apart thinking of my son being cold, hungry, lonely, on the streets, etc. For us, it wasn't until I had reach the end of my rope of helping him, turned my back on him, that he finally took responsibility of himself.

Sorry, I'm not much help, but your post just reminded me of what I went through. Good luck and I hope your son finds what he needs.
JMFburns is offline  
Old 01-14-2013, 11:21 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
JMFburns's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Hopeful,

I just read through all of the threads you have started. Have you given face to face meetings a try? AlAnon?
JMFburns is offline  
Old 01-14-2013, 11:35 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
HopefulmomtoD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
I understand what you are saying- that he needs to do this. I have not talked to him or anyone since he was admitted last week. I'm doing this more for me. I am very afraid they will just call and say he's out and I'd like to have some things to suggest to him.

1. He has no job. He is willing to work and came home and did a seasonal job very well. He has applications out.

2. He has no money.

3. He has no car. He needs to finish paying off his fines (very close) before he can drive.

4. I tried the leaving him homeless thing. I thought I would lose his mind. Unless you are a parent who has done it- in the middle of winter- you really do not know what it feels like. My son is not violent, nor has he ever stolen from any of us. My feelings might be different if he were either of those.

5. I know my son and he has issues and he needs some guidance. I know many don't agree with helping and I understand, and maybe I'm just being naive, but in the end I have to do what I can live with. I really don't think I'm a major enabler, but have ordered codependent no more-- just to make sure.

I don't see anything wrong with researching options?
HopefulmomtoD is offline  
Old 01-14-2013, 11:35 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
choublak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Why are you meeting with HIS sponsor?
choublak is offline  
Old 01-14-2013, 11:40 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
HopefulmomtoD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
JMFBurns,

He is 22 ... a very young 22. I have not done face to face Alanon. I do another parent support group. Perhaps I just haven't reached the end of my rope yet?

Thanks for the support
HopefulmomtoD is offline  
Old 01-14-2013, 11:44 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
HopefulmomtoD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Originally Posted by choublak View Post
Why are you meeting with HIS sponsor?
When AS went to rehab last week, his sponsor asked my son to give his number to me and to keep him updated. I texted him once last week to let him know DS was admitted. Today, I texted him and asked him if I could talk to him. He suggested a meeting-

I reached out to him to ask him what I asked here, "Does he know of any sober living homes or half way houses in the area?" I have been unable to find anything. That's all. I've never met him before and would not have never reached out if he had not asked for contact.
HopefulmomtoD is offline  
Old 01-14-2013, 11:55 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
choublak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
That's strange that this sponsor is involving you in all of this.

And your son should be the one asking about sober living and halfway houses.
choublak is offline  
Old 01-14-2013, 12:01 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
HopefulmomtoD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Originally Posted by choublak View Post
That's strange that this sponsor is involving you in all of this.

And your son should be the one asking about sober living and halfway houses.
I would have no idea as this is all new to me. It seems like it should be between my son and his sponsor- but, as I said, it was the sponsor that involved me.

My son is on blackout. He has no phone or computer. If he is discharged tomorrow, how is supposed to have done research on sober living and halfway houses?

Anyway, as I said, I'm doing it for my peace of mind. I'd like to know there are some options out there for him other than homelessness. If that makes me a horribly enabling parent- oh well. I'm pretty comfortable with the fact that my parenting did not make him an alcoholic.
HopefulmomtoD is offline  
Old 01-14-2013, 12:01 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
bailey17's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 97
It's really hard to find any halfway houses/recovery residences through google, they are pretty much unsearchable.

Your best bet would be to contact the rehab he is currently in to see about what they can provide as far as discharge planning goes. Are there halfway houses local to the rehab he is currently at? Can they take him on a tour to one? Is there an availability for intensive outpatient, while also living at a halfway house? Structured, all male facility, close to a bus line, etc... might be helfpul. Halfway houses/sober living aren't really advertised in the internet, you would need to contact your sons rehab to see what they can offer for aftercare.

Maybe you can speak with his therapist for recommendations?

Like others on here have said, it is ultimately up to your son, BUT it can be important for therapist and family to collaborate in order for your son to get the best aftercare that will be conducive to recovery. Sometimes the therapists recommendation can only go so far, sometimes the parents boundaries, ex: "you can't come home" can be helpful for your son's therapist/discharge planner lead him in the right direction. Sometimes, insurance can help pay for a halfway house if your son is also enrolled in an intensive outpatient. There are many options out there, you just need to be led in the right direction in order to find these things out. I would recommend contacting where he currently is.


Best of luck!
bailey17 is offline  
Old 01-14-2013, 12:01 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Florence's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
When they discharge him, they will recommend places for him to go that are local and affordable. At that point, he's going to have to make the call.

I found that when my AH was given the opportunity to go to sober living or rehab, he had lots of reasons not to, and not all of them were because of a need to use. He was ashamed he was in this position, that it would cost his family so much money, and afraid of what would happen to his friendships and relationships if he took the recovery time. It's a huge undertaking to ask of someone who is new in recovery, to embrace all of the unknowns and engage in real self-care. What made the difference for my AH is knowing that he had our emotional and financial support ONLY if he chose recovery, and otherwise he was on his own, homeless, penniless, friendless what have you.
Florence is offline  
Old 01-14-2013, 12:06 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
HopefulmomtoD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Thank you Bailey and Florence. We do have a family conference call scheduled for Thursday- if he is still in. I'll talk to them then about planning his aftercare. I'm relieved that you think they will help a little with some recommendations.
HopefulmomtoD is offline  
Old 01-14-2013, 01:18 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
 
laurie6781's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Give him the phone number of the Nearest Salvation Army and tell him they have an ABSOLUTELY EXCELLENT program of 6 to 9 months, and best of all it is FREE.

Love and hugs,
laurie6781 is offline  
Old 01-14-2013, 01:40 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear Hopeful, the rehabs usually have placements for sober living and some even allow the patient to have the first few weeks free while they get themselves a job. I totally understand since my son is also 22. However, he said something to me on one of my recent visits. "Mom, you and Grandma spoiled me and gave me everything I needed so I didn't even feel it necessary to get a job." "I took advantage of you and I knew that if I F**&D up, you would be there to save me." This time around, I am willing to give him some clothes, toiletries and a ride to the rehab and a nice lunch on our way there . He is asking for a rehab (court ordered) that will allow him to work so he can get a job and start paying his debts off. I think we underestimate our children (I know I always have!). Have you ever heard of the victim triangle? It is very interesting and I know I play into it all the time when it comes to my son.
Just know Hope.... Your son will survive and he will learn along the way.
Hugs,
Teresa
Ilovemysonjj is offline  
Old 01-14-2013, 01:52 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
"If that makes me a horribly enabling parent - oh well. I'm pretty comfortable with the fact that my parenting did not make him an alcoholic."

You're right, you didn't Cause it. But you also can't Control it, and can't Cure it.

I don't think you truly mean "oh well". You want him healthy and safe. But as long as you do all the work, and continue to enable the disease, then it's difficult for him to "get it" and figure it out for himself. I mentioned in an earlier post that my parents did exactly that for my brother. It started in his early 20's. My Mom said everything you're saying. So today he is 49 and still an alcoholic, living with them, and my parents are still saying all the same things.

He won't be released without a discussion about his options. But it's up to him to take what they give him and follow through. I agree that it's off base for his sponsor to meet with you, he is crossing boundaries. Your son should contact him when he's released, and they should meet.

I'm sorry you're going through all this. The only way through something is through it.
Recovering2 is offline  
Old 01-14-2013, 01:54 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
HopefulmomtoD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Thanks, Teresa. Haven't heard of the victim triangle .... will look it up. Its possible I underestimate him- I know its the fear that drives me.

Its too much to go into here, but my I really don't feel like I enable AS until it comes time to actually make him homeless. (and we've even done that a few times) I haven't given him a dime since he was probably 16-17 years old except for birthday and Christmas gifts. (Once he started smoking, drinking, etc. ... my attitude has been if you've got money for that, you aren't getting any money from me.) He's always had a job and gone part time to community college. He is jobless now, but its more because he just got back from rehab and only found a seasonal one when he got back.

I know my son suffers from depression and maybe has other mental issues. If he were schizophrenic would everyone still feel it the right thing to put him out and make him homeless? Or, should we try to be firm and hold him accountable but still try and get him the support and help he needs?
HopefulmomtoD is offline  
Old 01-14-2013, 02:11 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
HopefulmomtoD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Recovering 2,

I appreciate your insight and your info on your brother. I'm very sorry for the pain your family has most likely suffered due to your brother's alcoholism. I have a nephew around his age. My SIL went to alanon faithfully and did not enable his addiction. He spent many times homeless and she once went over a year not knowing whether he was dead or alive. He's spent time in jail not bailed out. And, still, he's never been clean more than a year or two. She suffered so badly doing the "right thing" and not enabling him. It didn't help.

IOW, maybe your brother would have gotten better or maybe not? Your parents would have suffered no matter what. My first reaction is to say NO way in hell will my son still be living with me at the age of 45. But, then, I don't know. I really feel like this is a lifetime sentence and my DH and I are doing the best we can to stay sane in the midst of unspeakable pain.

I am educating myself as much as possible on addiction, I'm reading what the experts suggest and then doing the best I can for our entire family.

And, I'm feeling better that he won't be released with getting some help from the rehab on further placement.

We're not bringing him home ... lol, can't I get some credit for that?

Thanks again for your help.
HopefulmomtoD is offline  
Old 01-14-2013, 02:12 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hopeful, what does your son want? Has he indicated HIS plan? He cannot take control of his life if he has no urgency to do so. I do understand, I have done all of the things you are talking about, and at the end of the day, my son did whatever he wanted to do.
Now he is saying to me all the things I want to hear. The difference this time will be, I am NOT going to do the work for him. I am standing firm in my belief that my son is intelligent and driven enough to be able to take care of himself.
You have to be true to yourself but also allow your son to take the lead.
It is very hard but any former addict will tell you that is how they finally chose their own way.
Hugs again
TT
Ilovemysonjj is offline  
Old 01-14-2013, 02:20 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
HopefulmomtoD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Originally Posted by Ilovemysonjj View Post
Hopeful, what does your son want? Has he indicated HIS plan? He cannot take control of his life if he has no urgency to do so. I do understand, I have done all of the things you are talking about, and at the end of the day, my son did whatever he wanted to do.
Now he is saying to me all the things I want to hear. The difference this time will be, I am NOT going to do the work for him. I am standing firm in my belief that my son is intelligent and driven enough to be able to take care of himself.
You have to be true to yourself but also allow your son to take the lead.
It is very hard but any former addict will tell you that is how they finally chose their own way.
Hugs again
TT
IDK ... well, he says he wants to be sober. And, he wants us to believe that he can do that staying home and going to AA meetings. He says he wants to go back to school and get a job. We've been in crisis mode around here since right before Christmas when we found out he relapsed. I hear what you are saying and I am really trying to stay hands off and let him do it on his own- he just needs a little push sometimes.

I am running out of hope, but I have no faith that it will work with him at home and I'm too tired of the lies- which is why he is going to go to sober living again. I guess I'm not done yet- I'm not ready to see him be a homeless drunk- if that is his bottom. I may have to experience that- but, I'm not ready for that.

I know you know how I feel. I really hope your son gets it this time, too.
HopefulmomtoD is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:28 AM.