Maggiemac

My husband's brother's daughter 22 is addicted to herion. She saw my son dead form overdose but she is doing all the things that addicts do. I see myself in her mother trying to deal with it all. She just got out of jail before Christmas and went right back on the road to nowhere. I hope her PO finds out soon so this doesn't kill her father(he is ill) he turns a blind eye to anything she does. I have tried to talk to him but it is not working. He says she is his baby and will to anything for her. His son is so angry they stopped talking. So he is willing to lose his son to have his daughter, stealing, hitting him and his wife and giving her money he does not have to keep her out of jail. She is out of control at this point. I hate to see another person go through this hell. Just wanted to vent to people who know what is like to live with a addicted family member.
Your friend,
Maggiemac

Kindeyes

Thank you for sharing this Maggiemac.

It's is the most perfectly written example of how the addict isn't the only one who is fracturing the family. A codependent's behavior can be every bit as devastating as the addict's.

It is painful as hell to watch a parent, a spouse, a sibling, or anyone struggling to control something that they can't control. They lose their health, their wealth, their sanity. They are miserable shells of people whose own lives spiral out of control.

We are always so concerned with how the addict is making US feel but we are often just as clueless as the addict regarding how WE impact others who are watching us destroy ourselves as we try to save the addict.

WE are inflicting every bit as much pain and chaos into the family as the addict is. And it's painful as heck for those who love US to watch.

What you so eloquently described was exactly what was going on in my family until I decided to stop it and begin working on ME.....and I had (and still have) a LOT of work to do. I was clueless, in denial, blind.

I hope this is a call to action for someone out there who never thought that their enabling behaviors were hurting, not only the addict, but everyone who loves them. They are tired of watching you beat your head against a wall. They are tired of seeing you in misery. They are tired of seeing you sad or angry or struggling to fix something that is not within your power to fix. They are sick of watching your health decline or your finances dwindle.

I am no different from the addict in my family. I caused as much damage to the family unit as he has. I am in recovery.....I am not perfect but I work hard at it......and those who love me have seen the changes and are grateful. I make amends to them daily by taking care of myself and not falling into those old behavior patterns.....and if I do slip.......recognizing it quickly and taking corrective action.

Changing ourselves isolates the addiction. It puts it into a quarantine so that others don't become sick too.

Thank you again for sharing this Maggiemac. Your words struck me deeply this morning and powerfully helped me recognize again the important role I played in the family disease if addiction.

gentle hugs
ke

PresentTense

"Changing ourselves isolates the addiction. It puts it into a quarantine so that others don't become sick too."

Thank you, Kind Eyes, for summing up a few years worth of of hard work with those two sentences. Work that I put in on myself. Work that I needed. I finally realized I could not help my daughter (a heroin addict) by "helping her" the way I was helping/enabling her but I could possibly stop the damage to myself and my family by detaching with love. Hard work, but so worth it....