Chloe1981

Its safe to assume that my usual freak out and controlling, awful antics and emotional outbursts are not what I am supposed to do..
So since I am new to this whole process..

What do I do during this? What DON't I do?
Help!

BeavsDad

Until you make and enforce a boundary of "I will not live with an active addict" you will just be finding different ways to ignore the elephant in the room.

No matter how much you try to make the elephant blend in with the rest of the furniture, it will always endanger the children, steal, and block the tv.

Keep educating yourself on codependency.

When you've really had enough, you will find the strength.

suki44883

My first suggestion is that you find and attend naranon or alanon meetings. That's where you'll learn the answer to your questions and get face-to-face support from others who know exactly what you are going through.

In addition to that, just try to concentrate on yourself and your children is you have any. Try not to let him get to you. You'll learn how to do that at your meetings and working the steps. Good luck. We're here for support.

Kindeyes

That's a good start. Just like the addict, if we always do what we've always done, we'll always get what we always got.

If your usual freak out and emotional outbursts didn't work, it's time to do something different.

I changed my behavior for me first and foremost. I never felt good when I tried to control something that was out of my control. I never felt good when I burst into tears and begged and pleaded. I felt like crap when I yelled or tried to humiliate him into stopping (moralizing and lecturing). So I stopped doing those things......and I felt better.

It also changes the dynamic. They expect (maybe WANT) us to do those things because it "justifies" their using. We have been caught in the dance of addiction with them never knowing that it was within our power to step off that dance floor and let them dance with their addiction alone. It's doesn't necessarily mean that we leave them or kick them to the curb. As was mentioned in one of the above posts, it's learning how to detach from them.

I'm sorry that you are dealing with yet another relapse. Perhaps this will be the time that you begin to separate that which you do control from that which you don't and concentrate on the stuff that is within your power to fix.

gentle hugs
ke

MsPINKAcres

((Chloe1981))

For me, my program of recovery tells me what to do next is "The Next Right Thing"
which is Breathe, Just Breathe
and then First Things First ~
The children need to be fed, work needs to be done, and life needs to be lived ~

This was so vital to me because whenever my then AH had a major using spree ~ the entire world stopped ~ I quit functioning and everyone suffered more than necessary, including myself.

So my sponsor reminded me that the A's can relapse, but we don't have to relapse with them ~ we can continue our program of recovery and our daily life ~ not ignoring the issue but refusing the allow our thoughts & our minds to be dominated by the problems their relapse created.

Just my e, s, & h ~
Pink hugs to you & yours

dollydo

Imo your focus should be on your children, how his relapes and addictions affect them. They should not be raised in a home where addiction is present, they hear and see everyting, they will carry their childhood into adulthood. Children of addicts are the true victims. You, as the clean/sober one are their voice, their future.

"Never a child - Always a child" are words from Anna Westberg's book "Maria Mother". Those words explain much of the situation of the children of addicts. Their survival strategies in childhood - silence, to isolate feelings, to be nice in every situation - become their symptoms as adults. What they did not get as children, they lack as adults. Relationship problems and difficulties in the workplace are common effects of inadequate trust and poor self-confidence.

The American psychologist Janet G. Woititz was one of the first who paid real attention to the situation for adult children of addicts, with her book "Adult Children of Alcoholics". In this book, she elucidated various characteristics that she found in many of these adult children. A few of these can be that they:

Have to guess what normal behaviour is in many situations,
Have difficulties completing projects,
Lie when it is equally simple to tell the truth,
Are self-judgmental,
Have difficulties having fun,
Take themselves very seriously,
Have problems in intimate relationships,
Overreact to changes which they can't control,
Are always looking for approval and confirmation,
Think they're different,
Are either extremely responsible or extremely irresponsible,
Are extremely loyal, also to people who do not deserve it,
Are impulsive.

Many also become addicts themselves or marry addicts.

What are your bounderies with him? Have you read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs? Lots of helpful information at your fingertips. I would also suggest Naranon meetings.

Keep posting, keep reading, it will help.