Avalon393

Basically, I don't know where to turn. I don't feel comfortable in alanon but I really need some sort of outlet. My boyfriend is a recovered addict/ alcoholic. I was with him for 2 years during the beginning of his use and then separated from him for his 2 worst years. My problem is, he has since come back into my life. We've been living together for almost 10 months. It seemedlike an easy enough decision. He was going to 3 meetings a week, working his steps and in close contact with his sponsor. Reading the bible and attending church. Helping others in the program. Unfortunately he has slowly stopped going to his meetings, and speaking to his sponsor and other members. Hes adopted a very arrogant attitude towards the whole program, saying his sponsor has too many sponsee's, and everything in the meetings is repetitive, and that he's not an alcoholic but a drug addict (a "cured" one). Claiming his whole heroin addiction and jail time was a "phase". I am so terrified because I have really committed this time. We got a dog, huge beautiful apartment, and I am so in love with him. He is in drug court and is tested for alcohol and drugs in his system weekly but graduates in a few weeks. His thoughts regarding drinking are "i think there's a time and place for everything" or "I'm not gonna go out of my way to drink"....our roommate, (his best friend) is in the same boat and already fantasizing about his old ways. My question to you guys....Is there any way I can get through to him? I have thought about contacting his sponsor but am scared that it is overstepping my boundaries. Anytime I try to convince him to call his sponsor its an argument. I started bawling at dinner tonight as he began blaming his not attending meetings on me when I've been nothing but supportive. I'm sorry for the long, probably difficult to read post I just have so much on my mind. Thank you in advance for those who do read it...

Momzo

Oh have I heard this before! Go with your gut instinct. I wish I did 2.5 years ago. I recently kicked my ABF out last month. Don't doubt how you feel. I know I will from now on!

TakingCharge999

Avalon, they are very good at making things that are their responsibility, yours. Don´t take the bait.

To me, yes you are overstepping boundaries. You can´t control him nor cure him. It looks like he is close to a relapse.

Your life seems physically comfortable but does it give you emotional comfort to be in it? to me that is what makes a home.

Who do you have as support in real life...?

The following books by Melody Beatty are great:

Language of Letting go
Codependent no more
The grief club

They all offer a voice of compassion that I needed when I shared a house with XABF and a roomie and then only with him. It was horrible, to feel in jail in the house I was paying a rent for. I was in a new city and had no one but really, you have to look at what matters; if your sanity is at stake, the price is way too high.


Just my 2 cents...

:ghug3

Avalon393

Thank you, I have my friends to go to for support, don't quite want to involve my family as it has taken months for them to warm back up to my boyfriend. All in all I'm terrified. I'm 23 and would have no other option but to move back in with my mother farther away from my friends. In the past 4 and a half years he has been my only real boyfriend and person I can imagine spending my life with. I just did not expect this to happen. And don't feel strong enough to leave him and start over being single again (I was miserable). whenever I come to him for support about my fears he seems to think I am being ridiculous worrying about something so hypothetical. Again, thank you. I will look into reading those books

Momzo

You've been with him for four years...and your 23... You were 19 when you started seeing him and you can't picture your life with out him? Oh dear! I'm 41 and starting all over again...you are young and haven't experienced what life has to offer you. I wish I was 23 and knew what I know now. I would have seen those red flags and ran as quick as I could in the opposite direction. I'm sorry if I sound like a mom...but I can't help it. Please read those books. Please continue to post in this forum.

Many hugs to you

amityville

there's so much good things you could miss out on if you stay in this situation, you say you were miserable before him...you were so young what did you have to compare him to? it's probably not nice to hear it but i think you could end up a lot more miserable yet.
you're living with him and his best buddy, if they go back to their old ways you'll be lucky to get a word in, and even at that you'll be seen as the enemy for questioning anything.
that sort of treatment as a person will bring you down in ways you don't even realize. i know it's a bit of a rut being stuck with that or the alternative of moving back with your folks. they may have warmed to him again but am sure they'd much rather be helping you out sooner rather than later..
i don't want to sound like i'm telling you how it is, but am only going on what i was doing at your age, i made a big mistake that i stuck in out of stubbornness for 4yrs, 4 yrs in my early/mid twenties i never got back.
be careful, you're young and you have so much ahead of you, don't waste it xox

amityville

also, don't worry about being scared, it's the situation you're living with that's scaring you. you know that something will have to change. i was scared too, when i was in similar situation but i let the fear keep me there...and it grew. the longer i stayed the harder it was to face doing my own thing. but in the end it was so easy, i was happy and felt like a weight had lifted from my shoulders as soon as i got out of there. if you're strong enough to endure being with someone like that you are strong enough be just you and yourself. it's a great feeling once you get there

ReflectingOnMe

I hid A's behaviors from my parents and sadly denied them to myself. I am 40 and six weeks ago I found myself with a carload of things standing on my parents front porch. At 23 you are just a pup. Be gentle on yourself. Some of the members on here are far more seasoned in their relationships with their As than I was. At first I thought they were so lucky to have been married to their As for so long. To have been blessed with so many yrs together. However I eventually realized that things dont get better (unless a and betrothed are recovered and WORKING their programs). Im glad that I only have 4 yrs in and lost and not 14 yrs. It breaks my heart every day....but I never have to come home and gauge anyones mood to determine what kind of night it will be. I dont have to worry about his addiction. His problems. His health. Each one of us have to make our own decisions and come to our own conclusions. I find it to be so empowering.

Avalon393

Thank you, I know I will most likely have to make that decision to leave. I just feel that it's too early to jump the gun and Leave him as he is still sober and may have a change of heart or get back in touch with his sponsor after drug court. (Unlikely I know). i'm overly loyal. it's nice to know I'll have some support here if/when that time comes. My parents aren't very supportive and don't quite understand the disease. Thank you all for your input