Why am I the one to apologize?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Lakeland,Fl
Posts: 36
Why am I the one to apologize?
AW came home yesterday from work and I knew she had been drinking.I tried to keep my mouth shut but throughout the course of the night she started getting nasty.I tell her "I know you've been drinking" of course she always denies it.Am I stupid?I hear you slurring.When she goes out for a smoke I run around looking for her stash and of course I find it. Stupid me,,,,Why do I need to prove to myself something I already know.So this morning before she leaves for work I tell her I can't do this anymore,,I've been telling her she is one drunk away from a divorce.She goes off crying to work.A couple of hours later I text and apologize. Well today I had to do a favor for her parents and called her at work saying I will be alittle late,,oh boy she was happy about that,,2 hrs later Ms Nasty was back calling me asking when the f&#* was I going to be home? I was at her parents who are in their 80's.I knew she was drunk so I took my time getting home, got home at 7:00 pm.She is already in bed passed out,,,guess I don't need to find her stash but I know I will look.Guess I will be apologizing tomorrow for something??
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 156
Yep...since you can't understand the way they are...you will keep apologizing. I learned that. I would apologize all of the time even though I knew I didn't need to. I saw the good in him...and felt when he drank (daily) he didn't mean to say or do what he did. Fact is...he don't even know or care what he did or made me feel. He would turn it back at me. I questioned myself because of my anger towards him. I would apologize because I would feel so bad for being mean to him. I know now that all of my apologizes didn't mean nothing. I didn't need to apologize for anything. We can't understand how they are...so we blame ourselves. I know now that its not me. I'm not perfect, but I didn't cause him to be that way,nor did you.
I'm sorry you're going through this....I understand, trust me.
Warm hugs to you
I'm sorry you're going through this....I understand, trust me.
Warm hugs to you
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 222
I always apologized to keep the peace. I realize now that I wasnt being true to myself. We never fought; but only because I would hold my tongue. It seemed easier to apologize but now I know it was detrimental to my well being.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
It took me a long time and far too much drama before I realized that any discussion (minor or major)with my addicted loved one was meaningless and nonsensical, whether I asked "How was your morning?" or something more serious. He was looking for excuses everywhere and within everything to justify to himself why he needed to drink.
One night, during one of these crazy talks, it suddenly became crystal clear for me. It happened right in the middle of our conversation. I could see just how insane this all was and was finally able to remove myself from the relationship. I did it that night. It has been a couple weeks of successful no contact. I am getting healthier every day.
Keep reading. Take care of you and your children. You will find your way.
One night, during one of these crazy talks, it suddenly became crystal clear for me. It happened right in the middle of our conversation. I could see just how insane this all was and was finally able to remove myself from the relationship. I did it that night. It has been a couple weeks of successful no contact. I am getting healthier every day.
Keep reading. Take care of you and your children. You will find your way.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
I would apologize a lot too...
He would do something ridiculous and I would get mad/annoyed and then I would end up having to apologize. I guess we do it to keep the peace, I didn't want to hurt his feelings but he didn't seem to care too much about mine.
They will lie, that's a given. There's no point in even asking them what they are doing since you already know.
He would do something ridiculous and I would get mad/annoyed and then I would end up having to apologize. I guess we do it to keep the peace, I didn't want to hurt his feelings but he didn't seem to care too much about mine.
They will lie, that's a given. There's no point in even asking them what they are doing since you already know.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Pretty much echo the others except for one thing... If you do something that merits an apology then apologize. "She started it!" doesn't even fly in kindergarten so don't get sucked into that trap.
She did something worse is equally unhealthy as an excuse.
This one has been a real battle for me. We all have our little issues. One of mine is feeling like its my fault when someone craps on my head. I'm getting much better about it. Step one was learning to own my own stuff and not worry about what someone else does - that sounds like a small thing but it can be a big one.
So... If you got pissed off and treated her in a fashion that isn't ok then apologize, otherwise don't.
That's the little issue. The big issue is that it sound like you are living with an active alcoholic who is a nasty drunk. What's the story there? Can you share some background like whether she's been sober and just started drinking again? Does she acknowledge that she's an alcoholic? Been to or in a treatment program or AA? Dui's? Just trying to understand how far along she is.
Hang in there. If she's an alcoholic who is drinking and lying about it and doing that dance then it's likely to get worse before it gets better.
An alanon meeting for you would be a good place to start. Until then, here's something they'll tell you on day one
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it.
Hence...
Don't apologize for it
Stop trying to manage it
Know that until she wants or us forced to get help she won't get better and you can't make her.
Sounds like she does need help, my sympathies to you and to her. It's not likely that things will change unless something changes. That may make no sense today but it will later :-)
Hang in there and keep posting my friend
She did something worse is equally unhealthy as an excuse.
This one has been a real battle for me. We all have our little issues. One of mine is feeling like its my fault when someone craps on my head. I'm getting much better about it. Step one was learning to own my own stuff and not worry about what someone else does - that sounds like a small thing but it can be a big one.
So... If you got pissed off and treated her in a fashion that isn't ok then apologize, otherwise don't.
That's the little issue. The big issue is that it sound like you are living with an active alcoholic who is a nasty drunk. What's the story there? Can you share some background like whether she's been sober and just started drinking again? Does she acknowledge that she's an alcoholic? Been to or in a treatment program or AA? Dui's? Just trying to understand how far along she is.
Hang in there. If she's an alcoholic who is drinking and lying about it and doing that dance then it's likely to get worse before it gets better.
An alanon meeting for you would be a good place to start. Until then, here's something they'll tell you on day one
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it.
Hence...
Don't apologize for it
Stop trying to manage it
Know that until she wants or us forced to get help she won't get better and you can't make her.
Sounds like she does need help, my sympathies to you and to her. It's not likely that things will change unless something changes. That may make no sense today but it will later :-)
Hang in there and keep posting my friend
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 47
Tears tears always made me say I'm sorry
Wow thanks for posting, great responses here too! My wife would do this " you broke my heart" crying thing and I would be like her puppet till she forgave ME! This is after she would do some minor thing like me catching her have explicit texts with some one I don't know! I shared this after an Alanon meeting while getting ice cream with these two old AlaNon guys. From that night on I made changes for me. She could cry all she wanted but if she did something inappropriate I had a choice to tell her I do not approve or condone those actions. What a change, guess what? Three months later she left and we got divorced. She didn't like the new me. I do like the new me: I'm a good man and I'm free to enjoy life without regret. The power of meetings is awesome, please get to some and share your story. Peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Lakeland,Fl
Posts: 36
She's been drunk for the 3rd day in a row,,her binges usually don't last this long,,today I am the cause of all her problems.I pray things calm down.I don't know how much more I can take.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by Michael59 
She's been drunk for the 3rd day in a row,,her binges usually don't last this long,,today I am the cause of all her problems.I pray things calm down.I don't know how much more I can take.
Time to really focus on you, what you need, not want, need to find some peace in your life.
I am so sorry, it's so hard.
Maybe we could start talking about you , and less about you AW.
We are all ears and we care Michael. Much love to you , Katie
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
So sorry for what you are going through - that is not right at all. I always ended up apologizing and looking back I don't know why - but after being berated by him for whatever - I would and he expected it in his sick little mind. Let someone else apologize to him for him being a mean drunk jerk- I am done. I hope things calm down for you- I asked Ah to leave a month ago and even though I am anxious and some days a mess- my good days and the quiet home I have keep me knowing it was the right thing. Now if I can just stop having anxiety attacks.................One day at a time - hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Lakeland,Fl
Posts: 36
I really would like to thank all of you for all the support.I am not new to this problem of alcoholism.I have been dealing with this since I married my alcoholic wife 15 years ago.From what I understand she has been drinking since she was a teenager. She refuses to quit,claims she's and adult and nobody is going to make her stop.She is 50 years old now and I can see the damage it had done to her.She has gone from a beautiful woman to looking pretty rough.I am her 4th husband.From reading here I see I am not alone,,its just not like anything I have ever seen before,many people don't understand.My own family from who she tries her best to alienate me from just don't want to hear it anymore.She makes family functions miserable,,she used to slam a 6 pack on the way,,anymore we just don't get invited.Anyway thank you all so much!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Originally Posted by Katiekate
You probably have already taken all you can take.
Time to really focus on you, what you need, not want, need to find some peace in your life.
I am so sorry, it's so hard.
Maybe we could start talking about you , and less about you AW.
We are all ears and we care Michael. Much love to you , Katie
Time to really focus on you, what you need, not want, need to find some peace in your life.
I am so sorry, it's so hard.
Maybe we could start talking about you , and less about you AW.
We are all ears and we care Michael. Much love to you , Katie
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Your wife is correct Michael. Nobody is going to make her stop. You have no control over her decisions, but you have control over yours. I hope you find an AlAnon meeting in your area, there is plenty of experience/support/wisdom in those rooms. SR is a great place as well, but I think face to face is important. You can learn to find some peace in the chaos, and lovingly detach from her behavior. You don't have to go down with the ship.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 47
Nothing like face to face contact in AlaNon meetings
Recovery2 is right on, sometimes face to face meeting is invaluable. The online forums are great. But nothing like in person. In the first AlaNon meetings I went to they would allow minimul conversation about the alcoholic. The leader would interrupt my dialog and remind me this meeting is for ME. The alcoholic needs help but refuses to get it. Ok, I need help and get it from lots of caring strangers I don't know. The help I get actually helps me and the alcoholic. Somebody has to make sane decisions. I couldn't think straight while being cohersed constantly by my wife's insanity. AlaNon taught me how to make good decisions, even though early on they were scary and difficult. Get to a meeting soon please. Let us know how it goes.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Oh... I'm sorry that I'm not sorry Honey! 
I have been the one to say, I have this, that or the other to do and I get the call or text, WTF are you?! Argh Yap and Lip Licking Tongue Lashing from him... When I told him I was at work, I went for a hunt, or I'm running late. Hey, how bought I just don't bother and let you keep on guessing! Eh?!!! Sounds like fun....
I don't say sorry when he's been drunk. I have nothing to be sorry for!
I have been the one to say, I have this, that or the other to do and I get the call or text, WTF are you?! Argh Yap and Lip Licking Tongue Lashing from him... When I told him I was at work, I went for a hunt, or I'm running late. Hey, how bought I just don't bother and let you keep on guessing! Eh?!!! Sounds like fun....
I don't say sorry when he's been drunk. I have nothing to be sorry for!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
