Patc777

Hi new guy here I've lurked for some time. This last week was my first taste of a day without pills since. 2009 . I've been a 15 a day user for at least 6 years. Vicodine has been my friend for that time. I've been wanting to quit but Theres always a reason not to... oh the holidays can't detox then you know the many reasons this week I was slightly forced my dealer disappeared. I've been very lucky my last pill was Friday morning its Sunday night and I feel good. Past the never ending restless legs, cramps, crawling skin. But now I sit here a little lost how do I find the person before drugs. I lived everyday counting pills figuring out how to get my next 60 how long can I make them last. Now thats gone it was my life and I know if my dealer sends me text I'll be out the door in 5 minutes even though I've had enough its ruined my life.
Well feels good just to write it down
thanks Pat

Sapling

Hey Pat...Welcome to SR...Why don't you check out an NA meeting and ask those people how they remain clean?....What they did to change their lives?

peanut44

wow pat,

Right between the eyes for me on that one. I was 18 a day at my worst.
I totally understand the pill counting, every excuse not to quit. It sounds like you're ready.

There is life after vicodin!!=) I can't believe they were such a huge part of my life. Don't let yourself get stuck in the rut of thinking about them. Stay busy, call someone in NA. Go to a meeting if you can!!

Thank you for sharing. It's nice to know that someone else out there feels the same way.

Keep posting!!!

BabyJane

If you don't want to be a slave to your dealer and those little pills for the rest of your life erase his / her number and consider changing yours. I had to do that. I'd get a couple months clean and my guy would text me and it was on... You can find yourself again but you have to get rid of the substances first.

Keep going.

Patc777

Thankyou everyone and your right peanut they become your life from the minute you wake until you drop. You know I went into this thinking well if I just get passed withdraws I'll have it made but reality is setting in tonight how do fill the many hours of the day I spent on drugs. I mean yeah I still feel little crappy no energy but after I read some peoples withdraws I feel very lucky. But that to is bit of curse that would make me get more. And yes babyjane I'm terrified to delete his number its been my safety blanket for so long but I know I must... Thanks again everyone

Dee74

Some great advice here.
Welcome to SR Pat

D

Hevyn

Patc777 - Welcome! Congratulations on deciding to kick that toxic stuff out of your life. Once you get past this period of adjustment, life will be so much better, and you'll be free.

I love your question - how do I find the person before drugs. I'm an alkie, but I wondered that too. In my case it was going waaay back to find who I once was. It's so good that you're reclaiming your life before more years are wasted. I hope you'll find it a comfort and inspiration to be here. Thank you for sharing what you've been through.

Hevyn

P.S. I love your dog.

Patc777

Haha thanks yeah shes there for me thick and thin. Yours great to not easy to keep the hats on. And yes I remember everything I enjoyed before drugs it took it all away until I finally just was numb now I have no feelings its scary. I feel into drugs honestly enough just to help me threw the work day next thing you know its all you live for

peanut44

pat,

just try to remember that each 24 hours behind you, it just proves that you ARE strong enough and you CAN get thru the day without pain pills.

I always heard the saying, "it's easier to get off of them than to stay off of them". I do find that to be true.

They really have got to be an important part of my life. I have quit several times and went back. However, lately, they have been making me sick when I've taken them. Just a couple and I feel like crap...

I think to myself, "was THAT really worth it?" 15 minutes of a slight warm fuzzy and then 2 hours of feeling like ***t??

And then to do it over again???? WOW!!! what's the point???

I also need to replace that space it took up in my head. But each time I quit, I get stronger and each time I use them again, I feel crappier...

My husband has always hoped maybe I would develop an allergy to these things. Maybe he's getting his wish!!!

least

to our recovery family.

Patc777

Yes your right by the time I hit at15 a day maybe more depends if I slept at all the only time I felt any enjoyment was like the first hour after morning dose then the Chase is on all day to feel it again and 90% of the time I'm wondering Didi take to many or not enough ???ah screw it pop couple more... I'm am and have been for very long time tried of this I think my connection did me favor by getting lost Haha . It is nice to talk with others that understand people that never has had a addiction its hard for them to understand why can't you just stop ! They don't know it took me years just to have the courage to talk about it I was. The master at deception...

Patc777

I like your dog sayings very true sometimes my only friend

peanut44

There is truly strength in numbers.

1 day at a time, my friend

Patc777

Well made it another night not much sleep still have little of the skin crawls but I'm not thinking about pills as much haven't textEd anyone to find some today thats a first. Actually thinking about all the money I already saved Haha.

Patc777

I must say it feels good to spend the day not worrying about pills do I need more how much this time. Its crazy as I'm looking back. Well. Night 4 feel little beat up mostly chills no sleep and not much to eat. But not feeling near as bad as I planned :-)

peanut44

Good for you!!

Sounds like you've gotten thru the worst of the withdrawals. When you are able to, get busy!! Get your mind set on something positive.

Take the next right step forward. This is day 4 for me and after working all day, I actually felt better without the pills. My job keeps me bat**** crazy busy and I literally don't have time to think about those pills. Thank God for that!!

Try to meet another new comer in recovery. Someone else is starting out today, just like you and I did a few days ago.

Hang in there and keep posting!!

Patc777

Thats great!! Sounds like you faired better then me no way I could of worked yet. Yes I need to get out of this house. Tomorrow its so cold her now with chills I dread it Haha but need some fresh air. Thanks for your help peanut stay strong to!

Threshold

Hi, awesome job on your clean time.

Hope this next thing I say makes sense. It was my experience in early recovery. At first withdrawals are a full time job, meaning that there is something sort of "concrete" to do. It kept me busy. I stayed busy struggling, or addressing all those physical feelings. I felt I was fighting the good fight, and I was sort of proud of myself. Not saying it made it easy to stay clean, because it felt horrible, scary, etc too, but I DID have something to counter those feelings.

Like you I had a "security blanket"...I felt safer knowing if I HAD to use, I could. I could still go back there...if things got so I couldn't handle it anymore.

When I kept a security blanket, eventually I would use it. Eventually I would decide, one day that things were beyond my ability to handle them, and I'd use again.

Since I got rid of my security blanket, I've not used. Just having that one extra step between me and pills has helped.

yes, I've toyed with the idea at times of creating new connections...just in case, but if I am honest with myself, I remind myself that if I have a security blanket, one night I'll decide I'm chilly and I'll reach for it. If I don't have it, I will find an alternate way to address my chills. Like cocoa for instance, no really. I mean it. I drink cocoa many times when I feel life's "chills".

It would seem that after the discomfort of withdrawal, that there would be no way I'd go back, because who would want to repeat THAT?

but fighting, struggling, white knuckling was something I could do, it was, in a bizarre way, another means of escaping from life. Sorry life...I'm busy dealing with active addiction/withdrawal cycle, can't make time to address my other responbilities. And I felt so noble, because wow, I was doing this awesome incredibly hard thing, cut me some slack life.

I knew I was done when I ditched the security blanket. And learned to reach for something real to address life, and started facing life rather than losing myself in the drama of the relapse cycle.

Getting into a rehab program is a great way to stay busy past the withdrawal stage, but also making headway in real recovery and addressing real life.

It can fill in a lot of those sudden free spaces in our lives in a productive and positive way. No more pointless wheel spinning.

Having someone to talk to, something to read, new ideas to ponder, new skills to apply to life, somewhere to go, etc all helped.

SR is an awesome community and one of the major players in my recovery. It's a way better security blanket than I used to keep for myself.

I can come here 24/7 and get real relief by reading, sharing and being part of something positive.

peanut44

Wow!!!

That's awesome!! Thank you for sharing all that. Give me ALOT to think about!!

Getting ready to get a definitive answer from my allergist!!

I'll post later,