Chloe1981

I hate this roller coaster.
DH took my debit card out of my purse this past week. I didn't even bother checking for it during the week because I'm trying to not be obsessed with everything. He has zero access to money. Anyway.. So Saturday I checked my bank statement and saw that he had my debit car and lied about things. Of course there is a long drawn out story, but it's like he I lyo just to lie. How stupid is this- he lie about working late so he could take back something to Kohls and return it and bought a pair of pants with my debit card. Seriously?!?!
Then the kicker: he takes adderall. It's prescribed to him. Long story short, he couldn't get in to the doctors until this week for a refill. So he bought Ritalin from someone. I am livid. It's like we make progress and then this crap happens. I'm not sure if I am expecting too much. He has been an addict for 5 years- sober for 1.5 if those year and relapsed last march. March-October were the worst months ever out of his whole addiction. But fom October til now is the most progress I have seen from him.
I guess I'm wanting to know if I am expecting too much? I know the lies are a big part of who he was. But is that part of an addiction, too? Our therapist reminds me that this is a journey and I can't expect him to be perfect and not lie to me ever. We all tell lies. I'm just confused.....

suki44883

If he is in active addiction, he is going to lie and keep lying. It is NOT expecting too much to be treated with respect and not have someone steal from you.

Have you considered opening a bank account in your name only and transferring all the money? If you are going to live with an active addict, you are going to have to be vigilant and keep all your valuables, cash and whatever hidden or locked up.

Have you considered attending nar-anon or al-anon meetings? Some face to face support from others dealing with this issue would be very helpful. Your therapist doesn't sound like he/she is very versed in addiction.

mstrust

to me, this all sounds like typical addict behavior. the lies have been the hardest for me because they make a bad situation worse, in my opinion...and i don't buy that there is any excuse for lying just because someone is an addict. (and yeah, this is something i've put up with myself, so i totally understand.)

also, buying pills that he isn't prescribed--similar or not--off the street is not something the average person would do just because they couldn't get in to see the doctor for a refill. i don't know what his drug of choice is, but it seems like he is not ready to be in recovery.

it is a journey, your therapist is right...but that doesn't justify dishonesty. but if you want to be with him i guess you do have to take the bad with the good and not expect too much too fast. i also don't believe we "all" tell lies. i mean, there are the little white lies you tell your work or whomever that are harmless, really. but when it comes to important things, i am very honest, personally. i just try to live my life in a way that doesn't make me feel i need to lie.

lastly, if he is taking your debit card without your permission, that's not just lying, it's stealing. and chances are good that the kohl's story is not entirely true. not that the little details are what necessarily matter.

have you read the sticky about "what addicts do"?? if not, you should check it out. it's eye-opening. don't get me wrong. i don't have any of this figured out. i'm totally in the middle of my own struggle. just my two cents.

zoso77

Remember:

If an addict whose either using or not in recovery lips are moving, they're lying.

Chloe1981

Thank you all. I need to hear all of this so keep it coming!!!

BunnyNest

Active addicts definitely lie. ): I think they have to, to help them "rationalize" their addiction and behavior. It is very sad.

Sadly, from experience, the only way the lying will stop is recovery.

allforcnm

Hi Chloe,

For the most part this is what early recovery looks like. You said he is in therapy, if he continues to work on his issues (and that goes beyond just getting high and abstaining) then you will continue to see progress. Your saying improvements have been made since October, but still there is a long way to go. It takes time and there will be setbacks, this is a journey for both of you. I agree with your therapist on that.

A person in active addiction takes up lying as a learnt behavior. They lie to get money, explain where the money went, lie to have time to go buy drugs, use drugs, why their phone rang at 2am, they lie to explain their mood, or why they are physically ill. Lying seeps in because they are covering up, ashamed, afraid, trying to avoid controversy or fighting. They also take up these patterns with certain people more than others and it becomes part of the relationship. And sometimes we do our part in trying to control too much, and they react by lying, or we let them get away with lying, and they begin to find it acceptable. Sometimes it helps ratioanlize things in their mind, and is comforting to them. There are many reasons and most are not personal against you, but it is a learned behavior and it takes time and conscious effort to unlearn it. I think the therapist is right - at this stage if you expect him to be perfect your in for pain and disappointment.

The money situation you two have worked out is very tricky. Your in charge of all the money because he agrees it's a trigger for him. But if he is going to go behind your back and take it anyway, then maybe it is time for him to face his trigger on his own. (is this a common problem right now, or the first time it's happened?) My suggestion would be for you to both figure out your monthly bills, keep that money separate, you continue to pay the bills for now, but and give him access to the rest in another account. You would not even attempt to monitor this; take yourself off the crazy train. You will know soon enough if he is relapsing on drugs again by his actions, they will get worse instead of better.

When my husband was in active addiction and not wanting to stop we separated because I couldn't live with his behaviors. I've stuck by him since he asked for help. He was in inpatient for 3 months so we were basically separated while also focusing on individual therapy and marriage counseling.

Have you ever thought about a period of separation where you both continue to work on things, but also have some space between you. You have had a hard 8 months dealing with this, you also have to recover.

If working with your therapist is not enough, then I would ask if they hold any group therapy sessions. Often they do, and this can be helpful as it all ties back into your therapy with the doctor. Ive done it and it was helpful to me.

Many people here find comfort going to al-anon meetings, and working a 12 step program for control/codependency issues. If you think this would help you, then try it also.

And never be afraid to post here. There are people here at all stages and frames of mind. Whatever point your at, someone will likely understand and can relate. And sometimes it just helps to vent and yell, and let your anger out also. That is very common here. Do whatever helps you.

dollydo

Lying itself can become an addiction, addicts will lie to your face and then lie some more to cover their previous lie(s).

I would open my own account, in my name only, and, not give him the pin number...ever. Few addicts recover for life, this mayham could continue his entire life. Protect yourself, many have lost everything due to living with an addict.

Meetings will help, also read cynical one's blogs, the stickeys and Codependent No More, by Melodie Beattie.