amarie

Well my AH was supposed to be going for counseling. He said he had a 2:00 appt. yesterday. I didn't believe him so I followed him at a safe distance. All he did was drive around. Since he was nowhere near the place he was supposed to go, I turned around and went home. After about an hour he came home and told me what a great session he had! I didn't let on that I knew he was lying. I didn't know what to do. I had a 4:00 appt. to get my nails done. The girl that does my nails also cuts my husband's hair. She asked me how things were going between us. I said pretty bad, why do you ask? She said the last few times he came in he's been hitting on her and asking her out. Of course she declined, but it made her feel so uncomfortable. WHAT A SCUM BAG!! Is there any hope for this marriage to work? He's still drinking on his nights off, but is hiding it. What does he think--I can't smell it on him when I come home? These just seems so hopeless. Any ideas?

Patsyd1

Hi Marie,

Do you know how you can tell if an alcoholic is lying? If their lips are moving, they are lying.

Marie, please take care of you and get to as many Alanon meetings as you can. Yes, what he did stinks, but what is vital is that you take care of YOU, no matter what he does or doesn't do.

Take care of you hon,

Patsy

DefofLov

No one can really give you any ideas or tell you what to do about your marriage. You have to decide what boundaries you want to make. You have to decide how much you are going to tolerate. How much pain are you going to subject yourself to? How much are you going to continue to deal with?

Amarie, what are you going to do? You need to think of the best way you can possibly deal with this and take care of yourself. You need to be selfish at this point. The alcoholic will not change unless he is really ready to. In the meanwhile, you need to find ways to best take care of yourself and you need to make sense of the situation on your terms. Dont make up excuses for him, dont downplay how you feel about it.

I know you are hurt, lonely, confused, troubled, sad. I wish you happier feelings and times. For now, I wish you to find the solution that will benefit you the best. Please take care of yourself first. Remember that his condition is not your fault and you are not obligated to deal with it. I feel your pain. I know what it is like to be hurt by an alcoholic. I wish you well.

Good luck and God Bless,

~Def

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi amarie.

After 8 years of enduring Dino's crack use and up and down recovery, including a recent period when I allowed him to stay with me & eat my food and financed equipment for a music job he was doing to help him get started, I found that he had two personal ads up on a singles site and had been downloading pictures of ebimbos to my computer, which I had allowed him to use freely. I didn't have to follow him, it never occured to me. It fell on me because he's careless. The ebimbos are in the city he's been "working" in. I have no idea if anything went beyond the looking stage but it doesn't really matter. That was a betrayal. I know you won't feel that you can give me any advice, just as I can't tell you what's in your heart to do. But honestly, think about the gut reaction you had when you read that. That is your true moral response. Does it seem to you that is a thing that we ought to be able to negotiate our way through? Did you think I should put distance between us and think about it? Did you have a vision of him sitting in a parking lot with guitar strings wrapped around his neck and a keyboard imprint on his backside? None of those are "right"... they're just how we feel. But we can get in touch with how we really feel(at a basic level) about our own situation by thinking about other people in similar ones. Fear, ego and sentiment can cloud our view so easily in a personal situation like that. Imagine your situation on someone else. Try not to use your sister or closest girlfriend or you could find yourself screaming "TAWANDA!!!" and swinging a skillet. Our protective instinct can cloud things, too.

Our ideas about what you "should" do and our hunches about the future don't really count. What counts is how YOU feel and what compromises seem right to you.

But I have a hunch that smarted like heck and that you could use a huge HUG! ((((((amarie!)))))

And even more hugs,
Smoke

(Hi Patsy!)

Patsyd1

"Our ideas about what you "should" do and our hunches about the future don't really count. What counts is how YOU feel and what compromises seem right to you."


That is so true (((((((((((( and Hi Smoke ))))))))))))))

Love
Patsy