so hard to let go of love

Old 01-12-2013, 03:33 PM
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so hard to let go of love

this is my first time here. i have read some posts from this site and decided to join. i have been dating an alcoholic for two years now and i have finally decided to shut the door...for good....
i dont know how to stay strong at times...i know why i left and i dont regret doing so, but it hurts more than anything i have ever been through. i need to know the pain will end...i read the posts...i know the words, but it doesnt ease my mind...i just wish i could erase his memory from my mind so i dont have to feel that love anymore. he doesnt deserve my thoughts....he has called me every name in the book, told me how stupid and pathetic i am, has let me down more times than i can count yet i still love him. i hate myself for this. my life is good...i have a great teaching job, good friends and family but i am completely empty inside and i dont have the motivation to go out and enjoy the world right now. i just keep thinking there might still be some hope that he will quit drinking and realize how good our lives could be together...then i remember the reality of the situation and cry my eyes out. this is still fresh and i actually just blocked his texting a week ago. its been easier now that i cant see any of his BS words and empty promises...i guess i just have really low self esteem since i miss him. i just need to know that this pain WILL go away....
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Old 01-12-2013, 03:43 PM
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I'm glad you found this site. It has helped me immensely. I started out by just lurking and reading and reading and reading for months.

I'm at 2 weeks of no contact now, and the peace that has come over me the last couple of days is so wonderful. Every day is better now. That first week was so hard!

Keep reading. I hope this peace starts to come over you soon.
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Old 01-12-2013, 03:51 PM
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thank you for answering. i know it is day by day for now....and it helps so much to hear from others who are going through the same thing.....
i wish you strength too
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Old 01-12-2013, 04:35 PM
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Hi, welcome to SR

Please don't beat yourself up, you had enough of that coming from your ex. Your story sounds a lot like mine and I've struggled a lot with the pain trying to make sense of it all. I decided the other day to turn my pain over to God and I instantly felt a sense of relief. I'm not even that religious but it seemed to help for some reason.

He will most likely not quit drinking so don't entertain that fantasy anymore. The BS words and the verbal abuse are incredibly painful. The broken promises really suck so you're not alone.

Things get better!
-z
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Old 01-12-2013, 04:58 PM
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aww bless you really av been throw it but you really are in the rite place i was in the same situation a few weeks ago and im in recovery myself, my partner was a heavy drinker and i use to use drugs (cociane) but i've been clean for 14 months how i will never know coz all my partner kept doin was relapsing and then detoxing and in the end i couldnt cope where i found the courage to walk away i will never know but i had to i had jst lost my uncle, my mother was having test done to see if she was a match for my father coz he needs a kidney transplant and god bless them they are a perfect match and they av the operation on the 29 jan 2013 we are all delighted but why all this is goin on my ex partner was drinking and there was no support i stopped goin to meeting stopped having contact with my sponsor and i still had not relapsed i swear i must have someone looking over me looking after me but then i got a phone call off the hospital rang me said they ad him in there he ad tried to hang himself but ive been to see him now and im alot stronger and he is jst trying to make me come bk but i have helped as much as i can and he is going bk in a treatment centre made up. since coming home to my parents and bk in my meeting following a 12 step program with my sponsor again things have started coming together, im doin voluntary work helping people that want to be helped in recovery got a full time job and doin other little bit and this oh and talking to people on here and all this as come together in 3 weeks. I promise you things will get easier you jst have to be strong i know its hard and im so sorry you are goin throw all this its not nice. Have a look online in your are were u live there is family anonymous meeting that will help you to cope with all your hurt my mum and dad go to them for having a daughter with addiction my parents cant live with out them now.

If i can help you in any way im here for you welcome to SR you really are in the rite place xxxx
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Old 01-12-2013, 06:38 PM
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Hi Lettinggoagain, I feel your pain but I admire you because you were strong enough to leave him, my exabf left me 2 months ago, just out of the blue, he decided he didn't want this relationship anymore and his reasons were so hurtful: He said I was boring, among other things. I am a teacher too, I too am blessed with a wonderful family and friends and a beautiful little boy from my marriage (my husband left me 2 years ago for another woman and 6 months later I got together with the alcoholic/addict) It is so very hard to let go....especially for me because of the rejection, he just abandoned me and went no contact. He was so wonderful at times but just like you described he called me all kinds of names when he was drunk or hungover and blamed me for everything.....yet when sober he said I was the best thing that ever happened to him. We were together for 1 yr and a half and were close to moving in together and then poof, he was gone. Good for you for blocking his texts, I had a very hard time with the no contact, and this forum saved me. I am better but it takes time, I am starting to let go but once in a while, a good memory comes to mind and I cry....honestly I've shed more tears over him then over the loss of my husband who was neither a drinker nor an addict....please take care and stay strong. One thing that helped me was all these wise people on this forum keep saying how alcoholism is progressive, and if he was this way now, how bad would it have gotten had we stayed together. You made a wise choice, keep posting and time will heal.....take care and hugs. I
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Old 01-12-2013, 07:20 PM
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Originally Posted by lettinggoagain View Post
he has called me every name in the book, told me how stupid and pathetic i am, has let me down more times than i can count yet i still love him. i hate myself for this.
Don't hate yourself for it. It is possible to love the person, but hate the addict.

My mom was a mean, nasty drunk when she drank. During my teens years she was very emotionally abusive to my siblings and I. However, I don't hate her, I love her very much.

Sober she is the most loving, caring person. She would give the shirt off her back to help people. She helped me so much when my daughter was young as I was a single parent. I still love my mom very much and even if I get mad at her and hate her when she is drunk, I still love her.

Speaking as an alcoholic, we are selfish people and unhappy people. We break promises, lie, maniplate, feel sorry for ourselves and make excuses for our behaviour. Everytime I relapsed I could up with 100 reasons why I did and not one of them was my fault. I don't know any alcoholic that is happy with themselves. Deep down we want others to hurt because we do. We are very good at sabotaging relationships because we figure we don't deserve to be happy and dammit neither do you.

My drinking did become progressively worse. I drank more and my binges lasted longer. I'm just lucky I finally realized what I was doing to myself. At the end of the day it is about choices. We have to fix ourselves, we can't ask people to do it for us.

I would probably even be leary about dating me even though I am no longer drinking. I am always going to have to work on myself and not become complacent. I can never guarantee anyone that I won't drink ever again. I certainly don't want to, but I don't kid myself, I will always be one drink away from that dark side.

Sorry this turned into a book!
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Old 01-12-2013, 07:37 PM
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I feel the same way...dont beat yourself up. Just go day by day. Allow yourself to feel and then heal. It is so healthy you can recognize the problems and not just stay!

My AH left when he relapsed after almost a year of sobriety and is with an enabling new gf who he cheated on me with...he literally said she will never leave him no matter what he does! I could be her, settling for a man who isnt emotionally capable to be the partner and father for my children I need.

We think our self esteem is low, and it may be...but at least we are doing something about it now! Be proud of yourself. Use this forum, it has saved me from contacting him or going on Facebook to torture myself...We deserve happiness.
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Old 01-13-2013, 07:53 AM
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I am so sorry you are going through that pain right now. Reading your post, honestly those words could've been mine. It does get better- the first week was incredibly painful for me. You're story sounds a lot like mine as well. I can guarantee you that the pain will get better- as long as you are not with him. If you choose to go back to him, the pain will get worse and worse until you can't even believe this is your life anymore. When I first posted here almost a year ago, someone on this forum told me that. And she was right.

I did take him back, for 3 months. And it was awful. The pain was worse. And now four months out, I am going through it all over again. Please know that others have experienced this pain, me for one. It hurt so deep inside- pain like nothing I have experienced before.

Now, things are much better. I got my life back on track, and yes every once in a while I get sad and miss him. But, it's the person that I wish he was, the person I was trying to force him to be, that I miss. The pain is nowhere near what it was those first few weeks after our relationship ended.

Continue posting here, read through threads, and try writing in a journal. It will restore your sanity. Be kind to yourself, let begin a journey of healing. It is the only way to get through this! Take things one day at a time. We are here for you! =)
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Old 01-13-2013, 09:35 AM
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I will always love my husband. He was a wonderful husband for many years and a devoted father as well. He has many talents -some of which I realize I am envious of. BUt the person is became when he continued drinking was not the same. Now We have had almost NC for 6 months. So I don't know who he is right now. For me it helped when I realized that I did not have to stop loving him and caring about him but that he was not a good partner for me at this time. I deserved and wanted more for my marriage and my life. It's difficult to let go. It is difficult once you decide what you don't want, to visualize what you do want. This is where you seek out things that enhance your talents, and interests. This is what starts to bring joy back into your life. You are doing well to block his texts and hopefully you will continue to care for yourself. Surround yourself with hopeful people who care about you. For me that is my Al Anon group but it is also my friends at work and people at the gym or even old childhood friends I never seemed to have time for before but who I now stay in touch with through phone or emails.
Wishing you continued strength.
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Old 01-13-2013, 10:18 AM
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I had an empty hole inside of me for a long time that I tried to fill from the outside, including a toxic marriage and relationships.

I felt so broken inside I feared I would never recover.

With Alanon, many resources (including books, a sponsor, SR) and a lot of work, I have learned to fill that hole within me. Happiness is an inside job.

I know the emptiness and pain that you feel, and am sending lots of Kansas hugs your way!
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Old 01-13-2013, 01:09 PM
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Yes, you'll be fine and that's a promise. I strongly recommend Alanon (lots of meetings, a sponsor, the Steps) which saved my sanity when I left an alcoholic. And I learned that what I called love is really need. It's an amazing program.,
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Old 01-13-2013, 03:21 PM
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Thank you all for your words...they help even if i dont feel better yet...i am going to start going to alanon and will continue on here as well....i just wish the pain would go awayyyyyy
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