sober78

I didn't know my husband had been a meth addict for 15 years when we first met in 2002. Once he came clean about his addiction, I decided I wanted to try it just to see what made this stuff so important to him. 2 years after I start using, he gets arrested and ends up in Drug Court. He had a hard time getting through the program and ended up spending a few days in jail. That is what got us to clean up and he graduated the program with no more set backs. He was clean for so long...since Feb. 2005. We got married in 2008 and I thought that was all behind us. I have been clean and sober since 2005 but I have caught him twice in the last couple of years. Last night was the 2nd time he fessed up to what he was doing. I knew every time he used b/c I have been there myself and I know every sign to look for. He broke down and promised (again) that he would never do it again. He said he doesn't want that life, he hates his job, his mother has been ill recently, and he knows that those are not good excuses. He cried and apologized over and over for hurting me. We have been best friends for over 10 years and we have weathered every storm together. We always seem to come out stronger than before but I don't know how much longer I can take this. How many times do I have to go through this? He needs my help and support and I really want to give that to him, but I'm so damn angry and hurt. What do I do? How can I believe him when he says this time will be different?

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR......congrats on your sobriety....that's great but I'm so sorry that your husband has relapsed.

As you know, nothing changes if nothing changes. You can't expect him to change--that's not within your control--so it's up to you to change. One of the things that helped me was going to Nar-Anon meetings. They helped me change myself. The kind, strong people here on SR helped me have the courage to change myself as well.

How can you believe him when he says that this time will be different? You can't.....unless something about you becomes different. We get locked into patterns that won't change unless something in the pattern changes. He is doing what addicts do.....it's their pattern. We do what enablers/codependents do.....it's our pattern. Change the pattern, let go of the outcome and things HAVE to change.....it is a law of the universe. Unfortunately, things don't always change the way we want them to......but they often change for the better in the long run.

Glad you found us.....I hope you stick around and share your journey. We all grow through the experience, strength and hope we share with each other.

gentle hugs
ke

Freedom1990

Hey sober78, welcome to SR.

I am a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic (22+years) and meth was my drug of choice. I also married a fellow addict alcoholic back when I was still active, and his drug of choice was meth too.

I spent five years of insanity with my ex. He went to rehab and came out to shoot dope and drink whiskey the day he was discharged.

I ended up in treatment shortly thereafter, and I had to walk away from that marriage for my own safety/sanity.

He never did "get" recovery. He quickly remarried and called me several years ago to let me know he was in the clinical stages of AIDS. He was concerned if I had ever been tested, which I had, and was negative. We were both IV users who shared needles.

Had I returned to him after rehab, I too would have been infected with HIV.

He died 6 years ago, complications due to AIDS.

It was not my job to help or to save him. It was my job to help/save myself.

"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood are excellent books to read. I highly recommend both for you.

Please do keep posting and know that you are among friends, okay?

Sending you hugs of support.

sober78

Thank you so much for your replies. I will definitely look into the recommended books. It's so hard to give up on someone you love. We just bought our 1st house last year and now I feel stuck because I can't afford the responsibility on my own. He constantly tells me I am his everything but turns around and proves otherwise by doing meth. I know how addiction works, I've been to rock bottom and it's a place I never want to visit again. I call him a functioning addict. He has always worked (same job 8 yrs), he takes care of his loved ones, and has a heart the size of Texas. He's been sober for nearly a week and I'm praying its only the beginning to another long recovery. Thank you so much for your support. I'm taking it one day at a time.

hello-kitty

For me - I had to remember that letting go is not the same thing as giving up. It's giving someone the dignity of making their own choices and allowing them to be responsible for the consequences of those actions. It's loving and respecting yourself enough to set firm boundaries about the kind of behavior you are willing to accept in your life and the steps you will take if those boundaries are violated.

Right now the behavior you are accepting is meth use, so why should he change? If you want things to change, it's up to you.

Maybe what's hard is giving up on your dream relationship, because the reality of the situation sounds pretty troubling and not at all like what you wish it was.

You can't make him be the man you think he should be. He is a chronically relapsing addict doing what addicts do.