Toss

90 days sober. Trying to reconstruct my mental and emotional life, learning how to behave and deal with life without a crutch. The holidays were stressful, as was work, but I managed. I'm hoping the malaise will clear, that I will start to adjust and be ok with it.

Just read a new thread where someone said about the same thing and was termed "negative" or not working the program enough. No one wants to wake in jail, half naked with puke on them or total embarass themselves. I know for me, each night drinking, there was a mental release, short lived but craved. Others can get the same from exercise, other activities, etc..., I have not as yet. I will not drink today and do not ever plan to drink again.

The End
Received a call this morning that my Dad ended his life. His wife let me know then proceeded to tell me how mad she was with my brother and I for not spending more time with him (they have move four times in the last five years 4 to 8 hours away each time). He was in pain, had a bad hip that they could not repair, several strokes over the last twenty years (started in his 50's), and the knowledge that his original family had moved on.

Can't say I am surprised, her brief speech this morning sounded like the one I had anticipated. She has a right to her opinion, I respect her for staying with him through many trying years.

I posted about him a few months ago, the discussion was about forgiveness. Forgive him and you'll be free, your only hurting yourself. Problem is, I have no concept of forgiveness. Was I secretly enjoying the knowledge that he was suffering for abandoning us? Was he thinking about me when he put the bullet through his head? Have I received my final vindication?

His death ends the physical, but will never end the mental or emotional self. I'm angry right now, wondering why I am to bear the weight for another person's faults. I gave what I could, without opening up the scar to reheal over and over and over and over.

I told him I loved him the last time I talked to him before Christmas, he had only started saying the words a few years ago. He always told me he was proud of me, maybe because I chose not to screw up several people's lives and honor my word. I should take it at face value.

One of the comforts as a child was his big rocking chair he had in the bedroom. He'd be watching tv and I would sit on his lap and lean against him and enjoy the soothing motion. That is the image of my dad I want to remember and will try to focus on when I fall asleep tonight.

Thanks for listening,

Toss

vegibean

Thanks for sharing Toss, nice lesson in that.

courage2

Thank you for sharing and I hope you will find peace with your memories & thoughts of your father.

Coldfusion

Thanks, Toss, I'll pray for you, your brother, and your Dad's wife.

TrixMixer

Toss,

Sorry to hear about your dad. The only 2 things you need to remember are the 2 paragraphs you posted above:

Your father Knew you loved him and was proud of you.
Let his memory live on in that "rocking chair" with you in his arms.

He will always be with you, talk to him now.
Your stepmother is hurting, and in hurting she is lashing out , it is part of the grieving process. Forget her words.

quitforme79

Hey Toss,
So sorry to hear about this but I admire you for being so self-aware and for continuing to work on forgiveness.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your loss Toss.
I'm proud of your 90 days tho

I think we can overcomplicate forgiveness tho - forgiveness doesn't mean we forget...forgiveness can be as simple as...letting go.

D

soberclover

Thank you for sharing your strength. Sending you peace and serenity.

Anna

Toss, you are right to remember the good memories of your Dad. You will never know what he was thinking when he took his life, and that's okay. He was on his own journey in this life, just as you are. Congratulations on your 90 days sober.

Hevyn

So very sorry for what you've been though, Toss. I do believe one day we'll understand what it all means. I don't know why it has to be so complicated and heartbreaking while we're here on earth.

Great job on your 90 days. That's wonderful news, something to be truly proud of.

Delilah1

Toss,

I am so sorry for the loss of your dad, and I am glad you are choosing to focus on good memories. Please know that you and your brother are in my prayers.

I am also proud of you for 90 days.

You have many people on here thinking about you today.

lilgolden73

So sorry about your father Toss, glad you have one good memory of him and that rocking chair! Congrats on 90 days, thats great!