Sister stealing my friends - sibling rivalry?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 67
Sister stealing my friends - sibling rivalry?
I know it may sound a bit funny as both of us are over 30 years of age, but it really annoys me. The friend "stealing" started when we were a little over 20 years of age. Me and my sis both have social phobia so making new friends are not easy for us. She had her own friends which I never tried to steal as I knew that they were HER friends. First it started with men that I fancied - she openly flirted with them and said that I'm imaganing things after I confronted her (my friends who were there most of the times and whom I trust said that she was flirting and that it's not just my imagination). Then she started to call one of my friends, if three of us were out she would ask my friend to sit beside her in a bus as if I didn't exist, would talk to her in coffee shop openly dicouraging me to be involved in the conversation and often humilitating me in front of my friend by saying something hurtful. This happened several times. That was 10 years ago. A couple of years ago my sis and I moved to live together and she met my very good friend that she hadn't met before. She got her telephone number and started calling her everyday inviting her to come over when I'm not at home, offereing to give her a lift to different places, etc. I got very annoyed when I found out, but she said that I overeacted, that I'm too emotional, etc. We got into a big fight and she stopped calling my friend. However, a few days ago my friend dropped some of my stuff at my sister's that she asked for and my sis became extreamaly friendly with my friend, asked her to have dinner with her and was asking her over and over again to visit her, to meet up, etc. What's most annoying that she is usually very arrogant with me and is very sweet with my friends. I can't hang out with my sis and my friend together as my sis starts to humilitate me. I'm bad in standing up for myself and she knows that. My sis lives with her fiance so she has a company. I'm single and my friend is my closest person and is extreamaly preceous to me. I just don't understand how my sis can ignore my feelings. At the same time I feel bad that she does not have friends here and not trying to make her own friends, but on the other hand I'm mad at her for what she does (concously or uncouncously). I would not mind to "share" my friends, but with her humilitating me I don't see it possible. If I start talking to her about that she pretends not to understan what I'm talking about, saying that I'm "just too sensitive", etc. Sorry for ranting, just needed to let it out.
...not falling down them
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,200
Hi,
I have struggled with my relationship with my older sister of 8 years since I was a teenager. We have not even lived in the same town since I was 15 but I invited her and her bf up for a cookout once and she repeatedly asked my friend, just an acquaintance but sister did not know that....to come down to visit her and made disparaging remarks about me and embarrassing comments. It was all very strange and I was in recovery so I stayed cool but she ran back to the house before leaving to ask me if I was mad at her like she hoped I was.....I said, "no why would I be" but I was, furious and hurt over the incident .
Oh man I have a ton of stories about my sister and I over the years. I at one point decided she has NPD because she lies to other family members and says I'm imagining this or that behavior which she of course only exhibits if they're not around.....like if we're alone she is rude and kind of nasty. Then when I express my being upset it's like oh you're overreacting. I used to think it was gaslighting on purpose but over the years just think it's that she is not even aware of her own behaviors. She is not inner focused at all, seems to have no spiritual life or philisophical awareness and it's like she's this empty shell ...... any more I think just huge codependency issues ..... as do I, but I guess she being older means when I was 4 she was 12, when I was 8 she was 16, so she acts out her issues differently than I do.
Even today, the last time I saw her was 2010 at our nieces' wedding and she followed me all around and showed me pictures of her house which was nearly identical to the one my husband and I had to sell on the verge of foreclosure. I kept her at arms length and she ended up getting mad and storming out with her bf to go home, which was rude and our brother, the father of the bride, was nonplussed at the behavior but in a way it was a score on my side because he finally saw some kind of proof , he's the middle child and neutral party, and obviously, male, so kind of out of the loop of insanity.
Just one twilight zone episode after another with her and now I'm 51!! So now I only talk to her occasionally though if I am in a drinking mode then we spend hours on the phone. Then I sober up and the real feelings all come back and I avoid her like the plague. It's all very dysfunctional and has driven me nuts over the years, the visits and occasions that are unfailingly effed up somehow.
Now in recovery working a program this is one of my biggest issues but I realize we both got the stuff from the same place, our mother, who passed away in 1980. SHe passed out while driving, God rest her soul.
So you are not alone and definitely it's not your fault or probably even hers but I have similiar issues.
I have struggled with my relationship with my older sister of 8 years since I was a teenager. We have not even lived in the same town since I was 15 but I invited her and her bf up for a cookout once and she repeatedly asked my friend, just an acquaintance but sister did not know that....to come down to visit her and made disparaging remarks about me and embarrassing comments. It was all very strange and I was in recovery so I stayed cool but she ran back to the house before leaving to ask me if I was mad at her like she hoped I was.....I said, "no why would I be" but I was, furious and hurt over the incident .
Oh man I have a ton of stories about my sister and I over the years. I at one point decided she has NPD because she lies to other family members and says I'm imagining this or that behavior which she of course only exhibits if they're not around.....like if we're alone she is rude and kind of nasty. Then when I express my being upset it's like oh you're overreacting. I used to think it was gaslighting on purpose but over the years just think it's that she is not even aware of her own behaviors. She is not inner focused at all, seems to have no spiritual life or philisophical awareness and it's like she's this empty shell ...... any more I think just huge codependency issues ..... as do I, but I guess she being older means when I was 4 she was 12, when I was 8 she was 16, so she acts out her issues differently than I do.
Even today, the last time I saw her was 2010 at our nieces' wedding and she followed me all around and showed me pictures of her house which was nearly identical to the one my husband and I had to sell on the verge of foreclosure. I kept her at arms length and she ended up getting mad and storming out with her bf to go home, which was rude and our brother, the father of the bride, was nonplussed at the behavior but in a way it was a score on my side because he finally saw some kind of proof , he's the middle child and neutral party, and obviously, male, so kind of out of the loop of insanity.
Just one twilight zone episode after another with her and now I'm 51!! So now I only talk to her occasionally though if I am in a drinking mode then we spend hours on the phone. Then I sober up and the real feelings all come back and I avoid her like the plague. It's all very dysfunctional and has driven me nuts over the years, the visits and occasions that are unfailingly effed up somehow.
Now in recovery working a program this is one of my biggest issues but I realize we both got the stuff from the same place, our mother, who passed away in 1980. SHe passed out while driving, God rest her soul.
So you are not alone and definitely it's not your fault or probably even hers but I have similiar issues.
...not falling down them
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,200
....sorry but this is a hot topic with me and I would like to get a little more of it out since I'm thinking about it now.
Also whenever she compliments me in public I feel afraid. Like uh oh I look good and she's mad at me. Crazy right? Because then in private she will have an accusing, grudging little speech about how I have everything and she has nothing. I have tried to work that one out over the years too but it's like a trap any way I approach it.
So....after another spectacular incident involving 5 voice mails full of insults and saying she was "cutting me out of her will" (wtf), we sold our home of 12 years and moved without letting her know it. Now she has an alternate phone number for me, my older cell phone, and I sent her a xmas card but have huge boundaries up though it upsets me even to think about this stuff so I have never resolved the issues. I hope to do so. I just found a CoDA meeting locally and want to check that out, plus my program for addiction issues is helping to identify some things. I would really like to be at peace with this though usually I don't even think about it and no longer feel fear when she calls but more a detached "hmmm" kind of reaction.
Also whenever she compliments me in public I feel afraid. Like uh oh I look good and she's mad at me. Crazy right? Because then in private she will have an accusing, grudging little speech about how I have everything and she has nothing. I have tried to work that one out over the years too but it's like a trap any way I approach it.
So....after another spectacular incident involving 5 voice mails full of insults and saying she was "cutting me out of her will" (wtf), we sold our home of 12 years and moved without letting her know it. Now she has an alternate phone number for me, my older cell phone, and I sent her a xmas card but have huge boundaries up though it upsets me even to think about this stuff so I have never resolved the issues. I hope to do so. I just found a CoDA meeting locally and want to check that out, plus my program for addiction issues is helping to identify some things. I would really like to be at peace with this though usually I don't even think about it and no longer feel fear when she calls but more a detached "hmmm" kind of reaction.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Interesting topic. It's yet another one where I see a similarity to my own experience and wonder how common this might be among ACOAs.
My older sister never tried to 'take' my friends, per se--I always got the feeling off her that we were beneath her notice--although now that I think about it, there definitely were plenty of times she had to be right in the middle of things when my friends came over, but made it clear I was not welcome to join her when her friends came over.
As a kid, I think I took it as normal that my older sister had her own separate friends and didn't want me around. As an adult, as I heard more stories of other people's growing up years, I realized that plenty of sisters as close in age as us (less than 2 years) socialized together and shared friends in high school.
As an adult...I moved home after many years away, and over the first two years here, it became obvious that she and I were really, really close...as long as I visited her in her town. When she came to my town, she dropped her kids off at my house and went out to visit her friends. She never offered to introduce us, never said anything like, "Hey, you're new here, back after years away, come and join us!"
I started to realize it's kind of ridiculous, in our 40s, and not even 2 years apart in age, that she's still treating me like the unwanted 'little' sister.
I'm curious to hear others' stories on this topic.
My older sister never tried to 'take' my friends, per se--I always got the feeling off her that we were beneath her notice--although now that I think about it, there definitely were plenty of times she had to be right in the middle of things when my friends came over, but made it clear I was not welcome to join her when her friends came over.
As a kid, I think I took it as normal that my older sister had her own separate friends and didn't want me around. As an adult, as I heard more stories of other people's growing up years, I realized that plenty of sisters as close in age as us (less than 2 years) socialized together and shared friends in high school.
As an adult...I moved home after many years away, and over the first two years here, it became obvious that she and I were really, really close...as long as I visited her in her town. When she came to my town, she dropped her kids off at my house and went out to visit her friends. She never offered to introduce us, never said anything like, "Hey, you're new here, back after years away, come and join us!"
I started to realize it's kind of ridiculous, in our 40s, and not even 2 years apart in age, that she's still treating me like the unwanted 'little' sister.
I'm curious to hear others' stories on this topic.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
It's interesting to hear others stories.
As a guy, I've never experienced such a thing with my brother. We tried to avoid each other at all costs. However my wife, who did no grow up in an alcoholic household (narcissistic father) did have similar issues with her sister.
My wife is the oldest of 6, 5 of which are girls. Starting around age 18 sister number 2 started stealing my wife's friends.
When my wife went away for college she came back to find a couple of her close friends were now hanging out with her sister. We had one of my wife's college room mates over to her parents house for my wife's birthday and this sister became good friends with her (not that night, but over time.)
She never blatantly hit on me, but when my bother was dating one of her friends she would often 'joke around' about 'how cool' it would be if the two best friends were dating the two brothers. It was humiliating to my wife and she would get very upset which seemed to really egg this sister on. I noticed this, so I decided to try an embarrass this sister back. I pulled my wife aside and told her next time she mentions this, don't react or respond, just pretend like you didn't hear anything. A little later the whole family is together in the dining room and she mentions it again to my wife (girlfriend at the time) and my wife does as requested. Sister said it softly, so she says it again, this time a little louder. I asked her if she could pass the gravy. You could see the look of anger like a cloud come over her. She repeated it this time to me, and with a venom, the tension in the air was thick. Mom at this point tells sister to stop embarrassing herself, that we all heard her the first time and it is so ridiculous we were being polite by ignoring her. Sister runs off crying, mom in law passes me the gravy with a little smile and wife squeezes my shoulder.
The lesson learned at that dinner was that the sister was quite intentionally probing to get a reaction from my wife. If she had reacted the way sister wanted it would have spiraled into a fight. With a fight, even if my wife beat the tar out of her sister, sister wins. But by not reacting, the sister built up into a one sided froth and was the one embarrassed. one comment like that can be passed off as whimsical. But repeating multiple times and getting angry when there is no reaction crosses into malicious. By not reacting everyone sees plainly who the aggressor is.
20+ years later, wife still has issues with this sister, but she is much better at handling her. Sister is also very well behaved in my presence. Wife mentions she only picks fights when I am not around.
As a guy, I've never experienced such a thing with my brother. We tried to avoid each other at all costs. However my wife, who did no grow up in an alcoholic household (narcissistic father) did have similar issues with her sister.
My wife is the oldest of 6, 5 of which are girls. Starting around age 18 sister number 2 started stealing my wife's friends.
When my wife went away for college she came back to find a couple of her close friends were now hanging out with her sister. We had one of my wife's college room mates over to her parents house for my wife's birthday and this sister became good friends with her (not that night, but over time.)
She never blatantly hit on me, but when my bother was dating one of her friends she would often 'joke around' about 'how cool' it would be if the two best friends were dating the two brothers. It was humiliating to my wife and she would get very upset which seemed to really egg this sister on. I noticed this, so I decided to try an embarrass this sister back. I pulled my wife aside and told her next time she mentions this, don't react or respond, just pretend like you didn't hear anything. A little later the whole family is together in the dining room and she mentions it again to my wife (girlfriend at the time) and my wife does as requested. Sister said it softly, so she says it again, this time a little louder. I asked her if she could pass the gravy. You could see the look of anger like a cloud come over her. She repeated it this time to me, and with a venom, the tension in the air was thick. Mom at this point tells sister to stop embarrassing herself, that we all heard her the first time and it is so ridiculous we were being polite by ignoring her. Sister runs off crying, mom in law passes me the gravy with a little smile and wife squeezes my shoulder.
The lesson learned at that dinner was that the sister was quite intentionally probing to get a reaction from my wife. If she had reacted the way sister wanted it would have spiraled into a fight. With a fight, even if my wife beat the tar out of her sister, sister wins. But by not reacting, the sister built up into a one sided froth and was the one embarrassed. one comment like that can be passed off as whimsical. But repeating multiple times and getting angry when there is no reaction crosses into malicious. By not reacting everyone sees plainly who the aggressor is.
20+ years later, wife still has issues with this sister, but she is much better at handling her. Sister is also very well behaved in my presence. Wife mentions she only picks fights when I am not around.
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