patientlywaitin

Like many codies I have taken control of my ah's debit card. What may have started off as an attempt to keep him from buying beer turned into the only way for me to manage our funds. He was drinking away everything we had when I realized just how bad it really was. It's been a few months now and everything has been going as best as it can. Still in debt and at risk of losing everything but $ is going only where it needs...

He came home this week from a 30 day program and things have been great. I have kept realistic expectations and we are both taking it "one day at a time". This morning he left for his first AA meeting since discharge and told me he was taking the debit card in case him and an af (whom he met in rehab) decide to stop for lunch. I gotta say I wanted to scream oh no the f%€^ your not! But I didn't I repeated his statement to make sure I heard him correctly then allowed him time to retract it... J/k no really I told him to do what he thought was right and he read my body language correctly (I promise there wasn't a middle finger involved). Then we spent a 30 min drive not speaking! I attempted to have small talk but he made it obvious that he was not in the mood. It sucked but I didn't push him.

Here's where I stand. I made it very clear before he came home that I want to trust him, with every fiber I my being, I just can't right now. Reassuring him that it complicated things for me just as much as it does for him. He appeared to understand until this morning.

So my question is, how can I make it clear without coming off as a total b*+€%? I know it bothers him and I can appreciate that but I'm not going to be manipulated into trusting him before I'm ready... again.

A

Tuffgirl

If he is bringing in a paycheck, why not have him open his own account where he can deposit a set amount of money per pay period, and let him manage his own money himself? Keep what is needed to cover the household expenses and give him the rest for his own needs?

patientlywaitin

The only income we have for jan was a $300 check he received to help with housing because he's in school. That's all we (a family of 6) have. Our mortgage payment alone triples the amount on that check... So there is no room for extras.

I start a new job on Monday and I'm super excited to be able to help with finances but until we are in the clear neither of us can afford to spend a dime.

LaTeeDa

It seems to me that if money is that tight, then going out to lunch is not an option. It's not about trust, it's about common sense.

L

Tuffgirl

Then I wouldn't worry about being extremely tight with the only income you have right now. Someone has to be the responsible one, right? Keep on keepin on!

suki44883

Have you considered opening a bank account in your name only (preferably at a different bank) with your first check from your new job? This could be the fund from which you pay your bills and buy groceries and he would not be able to access it. The current account could be kept with a minimum balance, to which both of you have access. If he's going to drink, he's going to drink, but you will have secured the majority of the money in the account in your name only. Just a thought.

patientlywaitin

I approached him about it when he came home yesterday after seeing he was still irritated. I explained to him that while he may be offended, we can't afford it. He said my initial reaction made him feel like ****. I laid off the lack of trust convo. I think the lack of money will sit better with him for now... His demeanor changed after that and we enjoyed the rest of the afternoon.

As of right now we both have separate accounts. After finding out that he was sneaking to the bank to withdraw drinking money I went online and transferred all of his funds to my account and I will continue to do that until we are out of the negative. He never allowed me to know anything about our debt until the sheriff showed up at the door with a notice from the court. So while I don't trust him, I let go of the drinking aspect in Nov. he's gona do what he wants no matter how many road blocks I put in front of him and I told him as much before he came home. He isn't my responsibility and as much as I wish I could wave a magic wand and he'd be all better it ain't happening. My focus right now is the kids, myself and finances. I'm here to support him but I can't allow him to overpower the rest of our responsibilities. That means he has no spending money and no he can't drive my car. It's not a punishment, it's me being the responsible one and protecting our assets. He put his drinking above everything for the last 10+ years, a DUI, bankruptcy and a failed marriage are all he has to show for his efforts, Ill be damned if I allow him to take me down that road.

My concern is doing it all tactfully. While he comes from the south where most women are apparently born with that I'm not so lucky. Maybe it's a Yankee thing? I don't want to come off as over barring or controlling and I don't want to make him feel degraded because of where we are at, I have to be honest. I cant keep suppressing my feelings and concerns/worries to protect him from reality.

Maylie

It sounds like you are doing exactly what needs to be done. If he gets offended in the process, well it is time he starts acting like an adult. If the only income you have for Jan. is $300 then who is he to be going out to lunch with someone? Trust is important, but at this point, it isn't only about trust, it is about trying to keep your family in the best position possible. If he takes it personally, then he needs to work harder on his recovery and realize everything isn't only about him, it is about the family and what the family can afford.

thislonelygirl

This eats at me so much.
This isnt a question of control....this is a question of responsibility.
Yall have bills to pay. Debts to pay off and money is tight.
Going out for lunch with a friend is not a necessary and if he cannot see that
He has a longer road ahead and it is best to assume he has no self control either otherwise
This would not be an issue regardless if he did not spend it on alcohol
Perhapse on a day when he is in a good mood (as a person is more able to listen)
That you sit with him calmly write out how much is going where and how much is left
So he can grasp the severity of budgeting and inform him that if the budget does allow
For the time being until yall are at a place that is comfortable etc that you will simply take out money if needed for him to enjoy a lunch otherwise everyone must make sacrifices not just him but everyone (truly my perception on things is until you feel you dont need it then you can have it)

dollydo

" I will continue to do that until we are out of the negative."

Honestly, I would keep it that way...forever. He has a disease that has no cure, it is just a matter of whether he is sober and working a strog recovery program or not. Less that 10% recover for life.

NYCDoglvr

I wouldn't give it to him. Money is tight and he must be on a tight budget. It takes a long time to change and it's not a good idea to think he has changed just by putting down a bottle. There is a lot of work: many meetings, sponsor, working the steps. Add to this addicts frequently shift addictions. Perhaps give him $10 in cash, a small amount. But not debt card