I need advice

Old 01-12-2013, 06:17 AM
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I need advice

I have been dating someone whose ex is an alcoholic. When she drinks she calls him. He has not told her about us, and refuses to be my friend on Facebook because he says she will harass me and his children who are not hers. He also states that she calls his place of employment. And has threatened to kill herself if he dates anyone, so he is worried that she might hurt herself. Though she does live w a man. We have been seeing each other for four months. I just found this out and was very hurt and mad. She lives out of state. And I feel he is enabling her and letting her still control his life by not telling her. And also choosing her over me.
I wanted to ask if I'm bring selfish, or do I have a legitimate concern, never dealing w this issue before hand. How do you think he should handle this?
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Old 01-12-2013, 06:34 AM
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I think this forum is for people who love the alcoholic.
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Old 01-12-2013, 06:43 AM
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There are a lot of things he could do, but since you're the one here looking for help, the only advice I can give you is to ask yourself how committed you are to this relationship, an whether you're willing to continue it for the next for or ten years exactly as it is right now. If that makes your stomach drop, walk away. If all this seems totally workable and in your wheelhouse, carry on. I can tell you I wouldn't want to get near a cluster like that, not for money, fame, or power.
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Old 01-12-2013, 06:50 AM
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Listen to you to instincts - what are they telling you? Your feelings are not right or wrong. They are yours and you are entitled to them.

Your bf has the same rights, it just up to you whether his actions are acceptable or not for you! Only you can decide that.
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Old 01-12-2013, 07:03 AM
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He werhappy, Welcome!

I'm sorry you are both going through this. You've gotten some great insight above!

The sad truth is that we can't control our fellow enablers any more than we can control the alcoholics or addicts in our lives. So, we can't tell you what you should tell him what to do...if that makes any sense.

He is responsible for his own decisions and actions, and your power is that you can make up your own mind whether or not any of this is acceptable to you. If it were me, I would certainly tell him how I felt. If he is not willing to acknowledge you as his girlfriend and that is not acceptable to you, then I suppose you have some decisions you need to think about.

Many hugs, HG
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Old 01-12-2013, 07:05 AM
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Originally Posted by iamthird View Post
I think this forum is for people who love the alcoholic.
This forum is an open and welcoming place for anyone whose life has been affected by someone else's drinking.
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Old 01-12-2013, 07:10 AM
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Well being that i am the one affected by my husbands alcoholism, I look to this forum as a safe haven for those issues. To me, it is a relationship issue. I am entitled to my opinion.
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Old 01-12-2013, 07:30 AM
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Thank you everyone. Iamthird I understand your position, but I thought since I am effected by alcoholism as well because it effects my relationship I thought it would be ok. I do have alcoholics in my family as well, so I respect that he cares for her and speaks volumes o who he is. He has acknowledged me as his girlfriend to his two daughters WMD do a lot together and he says those are the only people that matter. I do get that, but felt hurt. I appreciate all the advice. Thank you
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Old 01-12-2013, 07:45 AM
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Originally Posted by Werhappy1 View Post
When she drinks she calls him. He also states that she calls his place of employment.
Sadly alcoholics do this ... It's one of the main things that causes them to lose friends and relationships. They usually don't even remember it the next morning. Often it is not just calls but texts/emails and FB messages too.

Originally Posted by Werhappy1 View Post
He has not told her about us... And I feel he is enabling her and letting her still control his life by not telling her.
Or by NOT telling her he is allowing her NOT to control this aspect of his life. If she knows he is seeing someone new may be one more thing for her to rant about and obsess over and make his life a living hell.

Originally Posted by Werhappy1 View Post
refuses to be my friend on Facebook because he says she will harass me.
From my experience what he is telling you is a real possibility. Let's play this scenario out.... he tells her about you. You feel better because he "stood up to her and told her about you". She looks you up. YOU start getting drunk FB messages or phone calls at all hours of the night calling you every name in the book. Sound like fun? So do you have her arrested from several States away. You want to pay the attorney fees for a prosecution. Or do you start pushing him to get her off your case... and he just says.. "Told ya." Could end up being more of a nightmare than it's worth.

Originally Posted by Werhappy1 View Post
And has threatened to kill herself if he dates anyone, so he is worried that she might hurt herself. And also choosing her over me.
The worry is natural, but this is probably the main way she is still having control over him. That is something he will have to work out. It may feel like he is choosing her over you, but I don't think so. The threat to kill is usually a very powerful controlling bluff, and it takes a while to get beyond it.

Originally Posted by Werhappy1 View Post
I wanted to ask if I'm bring selfish, or do I have a legitimate concern, never dealing w this issue before hand. How do you think he should handle this?
You need to realize that it is his issue, not yours. Something that HE needs to deal with. The more you focus on it, and if you push and demand that he reveal your relationship to her, the more it will become YOUR issue. I don't think you want that. The amount of attention you give this will determine the level of drama it has in your relationship, and the level of control this XA has over your relationship. Sounds like he has enough drama to deal with. I would give him a place to escape it instead of adding to it.

My question is ... do they have kids together? Is there anything (other than the treat of her killing herself) to keep him from going completely no contact. Not that YOU can force that, but it is something you could discuss with him.

Just my 2 cents... that and $3.48 will get you a cup of coffee at Starbucks.
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Old 01-12-2013, 07:55 AM
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In my opinion it just seems like you need to tell your boyfriend how much this upsets you. He might think that he is protecting you by keeping you out of the picture with her. If you are honest with him and things stay the same, well then really all you can do is decide whether the relationship is worth staying in or not in the long term.
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Old 01-12-2013, 09:28 AM
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Somebody is certainly bringing alot of extra baggage and drama and chaos into a new relationship. That for me would be a red flag in itself.

If he is done with the ex, he needs to move forward.

Don't understand why you need to be kept a secret, that tells me something is unresolved. Please proceed with caution.


When someone threatens suicide, take the threat seriously, and report it to the police, allow them to deal with the situation.

We truly cannot control the actions of another, more importantly, we do not have to live in fear and guilt of another's choice. This is how this horrible disease controls lives.
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Old 01-12-2013, 04:38 PM
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Thank you so much sisterella everything you said made perfect sense. I appreciate your insight on it and never looked at it like that. I have a lot to thank about and know we get along so great and have not had even a small issue except our ex's.
maylie thank you will take that to heart...
Again thank you everyone for your help.
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Old 01-12-2013, 04:41 PM
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Thank you Marie60. Some of my thoughts as well. Just confused. I also have an ex that is an alcoholic that harasses me to no end but I told him about our relationship because I can't love my life worrying about him anymore, stoping my own life.
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Old 01-12-2013, 04:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Werhappy1 View Post
Thank you Marie60. Some of my thoughts as well. Just confused. I also have an ex that is an alcoholic that harasses me to no end but I told him about our relationship because I can't love my life worrying about him anymore, stoping my own life.
You want to hear the flip of the coin, my XH divorced me because of my drinking, and I'm not blaming him, but being married to him is when my drinking took off. When I got done with treatment, he wanted to get back together and that went on for three years.

I resented our marriage that I HAD NO DESIRE to be in a relationship until about two years ago, I date a few guys, and then met my now fiance', and I kept him a secret for as long as I could until we decided to move in together, I HAD to tell the XH, and you know what??? He totally flipped out, you'd thought I was the one that dumped him.

Anyway, I'm just sharing, because I stayed sober for almost five years after we divorced, and I believe one of those reasons is because I am no longer with him. I did recently relapse, but I am back and moving forward, and you know what? Not just for me because I don't want to go down that dark road again, but also because what I have now is a very caring man, who loves and supports me. He didn't even give me an ultimatum, I just realized that it was going to take a toll, and I really don't want to lose him either, among all other things I have gained in my life.

Good luck, I think you got tons of good advice here, I wish you the best, and above all, take care of yourself, okay? :ghug3
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Old 01-12-2013, 05:08 PM
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Hello Werhappy,

I found SR in December of 2008 after several horrible months in my life. I was desperate for information and answers and went searching on the internet one night. I joined SR.

At the time, I had been dating my boyfriend for maybe a year or a little longer, and the reason I went looking for answers was his son—an out of control alcoholic and crack addict. I loved my boyfriend very much, but his son was making both of our lives miserable.

I learned so much by reading thread after thread on SR. These were tough times for my boyfriend and I, and I had to decide for myself whether or not he could learn to stop enabling and set up some firm boundaries so that we could finally have peace—or if I would eventually have to end the relationship because of his son. I talked to my boyfriend about how I felt, but did not ask him to choose between us (son or me). He agreed that we needed to do something for us, for our peace and our future.

My husband and I have now been married for 3 years, and we have grown so much. We have attended Al-Anon together, and we have both learned quite a bit from SR as well (although he is not a member here). The young man who is now my stepson is currently living in a sober living home for men in another state and is looking for work.

I am so grateful that no one told me that I did not belong here because I was not in a relationship with an alcoholic. Anyone is welcome here if their life has been affected in some way by an alcoholic whether it is a parent, a child, a husband or wife, a boyfriend or girlfriend, or even an extended relationship like the one that drove me here.

I hope that you and your boyfriend can have a calm and candid conversation in the very near future! Much luck!! HG
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Old 01-12-2013, 05:25 PM
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Beautiful post Hydrogirl!!!
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Old 01-12-2013, 05:34 PM
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Sisterella- I missed your question, no they have no kids go ether, though she was like a step mom to his girls for 5 years. Though they don't talk to her anymore because she on,y calls when she has been drinking and harasses them.
Veggie an-thank you for your insight. And congrats on your life, sounds like you have everything you need to make you happy.
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Old 01-12-2013, 05:42 PM
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she is full of sh*it she won't really kill herself. You threaten it if you mean. She is just being a crazy ass drunk. Trust me I have had three mandatory commitments to psych wards whilst under the influence, walked out all three times after 72 hours with diagnosis, no medications. She is probably on alcohol and benzos, that combo makes people nucking futs. And hey maybe she will kill herself and that's one less problem for you and your boyfriend.
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Old 01-12-2013, 06:08 PM
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Originally Posted by ryan1982 View Post
she is full of sh*it she won't really kill herself. You threaten it if you mean. She is just being a crazy ass drunk. Trust me I have had three mandatory commitments to psych wards whilst under the influence, walked out all three times after 72 hours with diagnosis, no medications. She is probably on alcohol and benzos, that combo makes people nucking futs. And hey maybe she will kill herself and that's one less problem for you and your boyfriend.
Hi Ryan, I'm sorry about all you have been but you never really now what another person will do. I believe that when someone talks about suicide you call 911 and let the people who are trained to deal with that make the decision.

Your friend,
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Old 01-12-2013, 06:33 PM
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Originally Posted by ryan1982 View Post
she is full of sh*it she won't really kill herself. You threaten it if you mean. She is just being a crazy ass drunk. Trust me I have had three mandatory commitments to psych wards whilst under the influence, walked out all three times after 72 hours with diagnosis, no medications. She is probably on alcohol and benzos, that combo makes people nucking futs. And hey maybe she will kill herself and that's one less problem for you and your boyfriend.
Wow that is pretty harsh. I wouldn't wish suicide on anyone to make "one less problem" for me.

None of us know what is really going on in this woman's head. Whether it is drugs or alcohol or both, they make all of us addicts not think clearly.
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