deeker

I am continually learning new things about myself daily, but I am desperate to know even more .

I want to grow so bad. But when I do discover I don't know it all I get over whelmed. The more I get into this program the more I realize I have no idea .

Now with boundaries. I have really strong boundaries. I have really strong convictions. I won't surround myself with negativity. There is certain behavior I will not be around .

Why would I, when I have choices and I can be around positive like minded people .


I try to be kind to everyone, but if I am around behavior that I feel is dishonoring to God I will not participate . I will back off .

See I believe God is with me everywhere I go so I can't say I love him and then spew trash from my mouth or participate in activities or even conversations that I believe do not line up with his will .

That is just where I am at on my spiritual journey. doesn't mean I think I am better than other people . I may feel completely different tomorrow.


I believe God is doing things in other peoples hearts too .

I don't know where they are at in their spiritual journey. I am not even sure if I am supposed to be on their path or they on mine .

All I know is that I have a consciense today and when I am around certain people I don't feel comfortable and I no longer feel like I have to stay in situations that are unhealthy for my recovery .



I used to have such low self esteem that I was desperate for companionship and I hung around with anybody who would have me .Even if they were doing things that I knew were wrong .

I am beginning to listen to people in meetings though now though because even if we may not click on the outside,if they are staying sober they have something I want.


I am going through some deep growing right now . Having to make some big changes in my recovery .

Maybe I am over analyzing, I tend to do that.
I wanna figure everything out today. But my God is so big I will never understand him and what he really wants for me and I know I'll never actually arrive at this destination. Though sometimes I think it would be nice .

What I do know is it seems that God really does love me because he continually puts people and situations in my life that challenge my thinking
and motives .

I am glad I have a brain and the ability to make choices, the ability to fail and to learn and grow in every single aspect of my life .

I am glad I don't know it all. But truthfully sometimes I wish i did. Would make life a lot easier but probably a lot more boring.

I just don't know. lol Thanks

renaldo

I think some things are just always going to remain mysteries to an instrument with limitations like the human brain. If you knew the future, it would spoil the intrigue. If it's good, it's worth waiting for, and if it's bad, you don't want to know.

That's good that you've established boundaries. Some of us have a harder time with that than others who don't even think about it because it comes naturally.

andisa

Deeker,
Keep searching. Keep an open mind. You sound young, use that time to figure it all out. Best to you.

Renaldo, very nicely said.

Sapling

It's all in the seeking deekers....On a spiritual journey...We never stop doing that...Spiritual progress....Not perfection.

I like this line from pg 83 in the Big Book....

The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it.

2granddaughters

More will be revealed as we trudge the road to happy destiny.

A friend with 40 yrs sobriety told me that she learned more in the last 10 yrs than the first 30 yrs. Don't be impatient.

(Yeah, right, tell an alcoholic not to be impatient ..... good one !!) As Queen said: "I want it all ! I want it now !!"

All the best.

Bob R

deeker

Thanks, working on patience and not beating myself up somedays when my addiciton manifests itself in food.