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Coming to Terms With a Life I Don't Think I Chose - WARNING: A RANT



Coming to Terms With a Life I Don't Think I Chose - WARNING: A RANT

Old 01-11-2013, 06:06 PM
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Coming to Terms With a Life I Don't Think I Chose - WARNING: A RANT

The alcoholic I am having issues with is my grandson. I did not choose to be in a relationship with an alcoholic, unless you count marrying his grandfather which was a choice that "caused" the chain of events to unfold . . .

I guess, karmically, that could be the choice I made that led to my current state of affairs.

I then helped raise him . . .I won't go into the details of why that was necessary. I thought I did a damn good job, but evidently, my influence had no positive effect and quite honestly, I am surprised about that.

I had some issues realizing I wasted twenty years of my life but I have almost come to terms with that . . .

I am still angry at him for "not playing by the rules" and having such terrible judgment - on a myriad of fronts.

I am also angry that he has been disrespectful to me in so many ways.

I do blame him because I honestly feel he could have done better. I made some bad mistakes as a teen but nothing like the ones he made - If he gets better, I forgive him and if he doesn't, I don't think it's ok to ruin other people's lives who have loved you and supported you (there's a whole slew of us) . . . no matter what, I BELIEVE in my heart and soul that he could have done better but it was this choice and that choice and this choice and that choice.

I BELIEVE alcoholism is a sickness - not a disease - it's a disease so insurance will cover treatment.

I believe it is a sickness of selfishness, bad judgment, laziness (not willing to do the work that healthy people do to deal with life), etc.

I don't want to hear about how judgmental and sick I am for thinking the way I do . . .I pray for him and all peoples - that all of our wounds will be healed. I don't believe that alcoholics have such "special" traumas that they could not help but drink . . . there are always other choices.

My grandson also got in trouble with the law - so there is another element of bad judgment and he knew right from wrong - just had or has (not sure which) entitlement mentality.

He was such a sweet child.

I love him and if I knew all of the stuff he has done, I wound't be able to take it. I just know a small fraction and it torments me . . .

It is like diabetes in the sense that if he had diabetes and insisted in not taking his medicine and eating a bunch of sugar, I would feel exactly the same way I feel now - helpless that he makes such bad decisions and upset that he doesn't care for himself enough to take good care of himself.

The spiritual part that torments me is my belief that God gave him almost a perfect body and he doesn't respect that . . .who does he think he is to harm himself in that way? I believe that is a sin. I was taught that "your body is a temple of the holy spirit," and I believe that. I don't think anyone has the "right" to hurt themselves or anyone else.

I see this has turned into quite the rant.

I don't wish to argue with the pious who have compassion for the alcoholic and are not angry beyond all comprehension. I am happy for you, but I am not you . . .

That's all for the moment.
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Old 01-11-2013, 06:36 PM
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I can relate to some of what you wrote. I don't understand my son's alcoholism. I know we gave him a wonderful life full of love. He, too, can be very selfish and has caused those of us that love him immeasurable pain at times. And, there are times I am very angry at him, but mostly I just feel sorry for him and feel sadness at what his life could have/should have been.

I hurt less when I quit taking it so personally. Its not really about me and what I've done or how I've treated him. There is something wrong with him ... I don't believe he would choose to live this life.

I'm sorry you are hurting. I've had a pretty rough week myself.

edited to say: Don't you have a pretty strong history of alcoholism in your family? Your grandson probably just got dealt an unlucky genetic hand for addiction.
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Old 01-11-2013, 06:57 PM
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Seek, I am sorry you are in such pain. I do understand your pain. I adopted my 2 children at ages 8 and 10. They were my world, my heart and my joy. Neither one even called me on Christmas or returned my call. My son's Mother's Day gift, after church and a beautiful letter to me, was to steal from me again.

So much pain, so much sorrow, so much disappointment.

For me own sanity, I have had to let go with love and give them to God. When I feel sad, confused and sometimes resentful, I remind myself of the parable of the prodigal son. I find comfort in knowing God has a plan.

God Bless Seek
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Old 01-11-2013, 07:03 PM
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I believe that life is made up of choices.

I also personally believe that alcoholism is not a disease the way most people perceive it to be - in other words, it is not inevitable. If you look at it logically and it is an "allergy," then the first time you had an allergic reaction you would note that and not repeat what caused it.

We also know that alcoholics have other behavioral problems - the lies and deceit, the nastiness, etc. Those traits are not present in a bottle of booze - they are in the person. If you notice that booze makes you a really terrible person, sane people would want to modify their behavior. Alcoholics don't - unless they CHOOSE recovery - then they do - so it is a CHOICE. That is the maddening part about it.

I take it personally because: 1) It is someone I love - that is personal 2) It is someone I spent 18 years raising 3) It is my grandson - a person in my family - PERSONAL - not a stranger 4) His sobriety or active disease affects me and my family members on a PERSONAL level, etc.

If someone makes "mistakes" and rectifies them - that is one issue . . .

I do see this is a dead end, and hopefully I will stop soon - but these are my true feelings that he will never know (and probably does not care about).
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Old 01-11-2013, 07:40 PM
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I am really sorry for the pain you are going through.

Before I became educated about alcoholism I thought the way that you do in some ways - why not choose to go to AA - you can - you just don't because you would rather be drunk! I truly felt that anyone could easily recover you just STOP.

My RAH when we were first dating spent a lot of time talking about alcoholism. I would get exasperated at times asking him why he didn't stop when he first got sick when his pancreatitis was acute....or the second, or the third. How about the first time he threw up blood? That would scare me to death if it were me I would NEVER drink again. Yet he continued to. He finally just said..

YOU ARENT AN ALCOHOLIC SO YOU CAN"T UNDERSTAND YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND.

That finally sunk in my brain. Took awhile.

We all have our processes of choice. Why do people smoke? Overeat? Not go to the Dr? Participate in illegal or dangerous activities? Are these all choices that are made by only addicts and alcoholics? No. Are only alcoholics bad people, liars and thieves? No. Do only alcoholics and addicts destroy their health? No.

It sounds like you blame yourself - you were a good person and raised him well and he doesn't reflect the way you raised him. It happens. Sometimes things aren't logical.

I have a lot of compassion - and I have been so angry that I am not sure how I functioned.

He is young, really young. There is time for him to change. I hope one day he will.
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Old 01-11-2013, 07:48 PM
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Thank you. I hear your compassion.

I honestly don't want to live in a world where this is a possibility.

Lots of terrible things can happen to people and I just have to cope somehow.

I do ok.

Like your husband said, I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND.

And I have "educated" myself - I am not a dumb person - it's about beliefs - I tried to explain what my beliefs are.

I just think it is wrong and immoral to hurt yourself or other people - I know I have hurt myself or other people, unconsciously, but once I became aware, then it is a different thing - doing something that you deliberately know is wrong or not healthy - I will never grasp that - there is nothing anyone could ever say that would make it make sense, because it doesn't.

I need to do something else - to think of something else. I shouldn't have posted.
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Old 01-11-2013, 07:49 PM
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Sending a big bear hug, Seek.
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Old 01-11-2013, 07:54 PM
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Anger, bitterness and stress will kill you faster then anything else!!
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Old 01-11-2013, 07:55 PM
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I guess I'm not done. If I had known this was a possibility, I would have addressed his childhood differently. I would have focused on different things - I had NO IDEA this was a possible outcome. He showed no traits as a child of any behavioral problems that would make me think this could happen.

He is extremely sensitive . . .I didn't even know he was drinking in high school - or just assumed it was regular kid stuff . . .

I gave him all kinds of resources on ACOA - he wasn't interested.

I gave him all kinds of books on spiritual subjects and tried to nurture that part of him.

I thought his nastiness and moodiness were regular teenage angst that he would grow out of - but I addressed bad behavior every time.

But if I had known this was a possibility I would have done things differently - not sure exactly what but I would have done something - anything to get him the help that he apparently needed. (He did see a therapist once and the therapist told him he didn't need therapy.)

Could-a Should-a Would-a.

I feel like a big idiot and everything I did was wasted.
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Old 01-11-2013, 08:11 PM
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNow View Post
Seek, I am sorry you are in such pain. I do understand your pain. I adopted my 2 children at ages 8 and 10. They were my world, my heart and my joy. Neither one even called me on Christmas or returned my call. My son's Mother's Day gift, after church and a beautiful letter to me, was to steal from me again.

So much pain, so much sorrow, so much disappointment.

For me own sanity, I have had to let go with love and give them to God. When I feel sad, confused and sometimes resentful, I remind myself of the parable of the prodigal son. I find comfort in knowing God has a plan.

God Bless Seek
Could you please tell me what the point of the story of the Prodigal Son is? I looked it up a few times and it just sounded really sadistic to me. Or was that the story of Job and how he was tortured by God for no apparent reason. I may have gotten the two stories mixed up. But I seriously would like to know if there was anything good that came out of those parables.
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Old 01-11-2013, 08:15 PM
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Seek, do you drink by any chance??
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Old 01-11-2013, 08:16 PM
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Seek, don't beat yourself up over the should haves, because honestly, no matter what you did differently, it wouldn't have made a difference. He isn't an alcoholic because of anything you did or didn't do, he is an alcoholic because he has made certain choices and has not decided to actively seek recovery. Even if you could go back in time knowing that he would turn into an alcoholic, you still couldn't prevent it from happening because you just aren't that powerful. None of us are.

Have you thought about going to counseling to talk about these feelings with a professional? I understand the anger and pain, but it isn't healthy to let the anger take over. Although your grandson has chosen to not seek recovery, that doesn't mean that you should allow his choice to effect you so negatively.

The last thing I would like to say is that even though you disagree with how he is living his life, it is his life to life. Everyone should be given the dignity to live their lives the way they choose, and although we hope that our loved ones will find recovery, that is up to them.
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Old 01-11-2013, 08:17 PM
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNow View Post
Seek, do you drink by any chance??
WHY would you ask me that?

I have good reasons for my feelings and don't need alcohol to inspire them.
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Old 01-11-2013, 08:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Maylie View Post
Seek, don't beat yourself up over the should haves, because honestly, no matter what you did differently, it wouldn't have made a difference. He isn't an alcoholic because of anything you did or didn't do, he is an alcoholic because he has made certain choices and has not decided to actively seek recovery.

Have you thought about going to counseling to talk about these feelings with a professional? I understand the anger and pain, but it isn't healthy to let the anger take over. Although your grandson has chosen to not seek recovery, that doesn't mean that you should allow his choice to effect you so negatively.

The last thing I would like to say is that even though you disagree with how he is living his life, it is his life to life. Everyone should be given the dignity to live their lives the way they choose, and although we hope that our loved ones will find recovery, that is up to them.
To address your first paragraph, if it has nothing to do with me, I wish I was not on Earth to experience this. It is too painful. I am his grandmother. I was "there" for him - I helped raise him. It is very personal, as I have always had his welfare at heart and did everything I could to provide what I thought he needed.

I have gone to counseling - I have gone to Alanon - I cannot accept that this is what has happened, although I know to find peace, I have to be ok with it, which most days I manage to be - in other words, I cope. But down deep, these are my true feelings which spill over once in awhile. I did label this a RANT and I recognize it as not being healthy or productive. I should not have posted.

My grandson is in recovery.

And I agree it is his life - BUT the way he lives his life affects other people. I don't believe people have the right to adversely affect other people (this is a spiritual belief). I believe in Quantum Physics - the Butterfly Effect - so everything affects everything else.

His counselor, who was strictly AA by the book also taught him that whatever he did was in isolation and had no affect on anyone else and if they told you it did, they were just being "co-dependent." Which I think is a crock of B.S.

But I did get myself worked up and there is no point to that.
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Old 01-11-2013, 08:42 PM
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Originally Posted by seek View Post

His counselor, who was strictly AA by the book also taught him that whatever he did was in isolation and had no affect on anyone else and if they told you it did, they were just being "co-dependent." Which I think is a crock of B.S.

But I did get myself worked up and there is no point to that.
A by the book AA counselor would not say that as it violates almost all the steps, especially everything 8 and above.

And there is a point to getting worked up. You've gotta feel! It's what you do with it that's important.

At my F2F Al Anon meeting last night the topic was about anger. Somebody passed me a slip of paper afterward that said "to not forgive is a decision to suffer." I'm sure you aren't in the mood to hear that now (been there myself) but maybe it will give you some comfort tomorrow.

Ken
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Old 01-11-2013, 09:04 PM
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It's just too big to contemplate - there isn't just one thing to forgive - carte blanche forgiveness . . . on a good day I can conceive of it . . .

I am still processing.
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Old 01-11-2013, 09:17 PM
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Seek, ((((hugs))))

It has taken me awhile to respond to your post because I understand how you feel. Be gentle on yourself knowing you did the best you could at the time. A couple of thoughts.

The first is his behavior is not directed at you, he is wrestling with his own demons. While you may feel the pain of his decisions they are not yours to carry. For it to do him him any good he has to figure them out for himself.

Second, know that you are not alone. I think all of us here have felt as you do. I know that I have.

And last, know that this too shall pass. In my case I believe my anger was a warning that I was destroying myself in much the same way my AW was destroying herself. It was a signal that it was time for me to start taking care of myself. By being angry it was easier for me to create some distance and start my own healing process.

Your friend,
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Old 01-11-2013, 09:35 PM
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Originally Posted by seek View Post
I believe it is a sickness of selfishness, bad judgment, laziness (not willing to do the work that healthy people do to deal with life), etc.

I don't want to hear about how judgmental and sick I am for thinking the way I do . . .I pray for him and all peoples - that all of our wounds will be healed. I don't believe that alcoholics have such "special" traumas that they could not help but drink . . . there are always other choices.
Being an alcoholic I agree with alot of what you have said. Yes I was very selfish when I drank. Didn't give a crap about anyone else but myself and getting my booze. Bad judgement, yup we never think clearly when drinking. Lazy, yup pity pot is much easier than dealing with life.

Drinking was my choice and my choice alone. No one forced it down my throat or made me drink. The only one holding a gun to my head to drink it was me. Of course when you are in the throes of your addiction, it's never our fault, it's always someone elses or circumstances.

I think there is nothing wrong with you being angry. I grew up with my mom drinking and yes, I was very angry about that. It was frustrating I didn't know why she couldn't stop. I always thought I would never end up with a problem, but looking back I think in the back of my mind it was always there.

I am so thankful that my eyes were opened and that I can now say I have been sober for over 5 months now.

You did the best you could raising him. It is time for him to step up, grow up and take control of his life.
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Old 01-11-2013, 09:41 PM
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I have been dealing with this for just a little over a year - I had no idea what was going on and it was a horrendous year. Lots and lots of drama and trauma. The entire family ripped apart. Recovery and lots of relapses . . .and now he is on "vacation."

It's hard to conceive that I will ever be "ok" with this . . .but for now, I have to turn my attention elsewhere. It's a bad habit to indulge in the negativity of it all. It is a dead end and does no good . . .

I am turning my attention to Pinterest at the moment because it always cheers me up.

I literally have to change my channel from resentment, anger, worry, etc. to distract myself with beauty and hope.

This is one of the reasons I don't like Alanon meetings. I don't want to live in the problem - I don't want to be defined by the problem - I want to be free of it as much as I can.

I love this forum because it is a place for me to process, but in some ways it should be a "bottom line" for me because it is not healthy for me to post my negativity.

So I am off to inspire myself with beautiful images.

Thank you to all who have listened. I do apologize for spreading negativity. I think the world has quite enough of it.
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Old 01-11-2013, 09:42 PM
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Originally Posted by seek View Post
And I agree it is his life - BUT the way he lives his life affects other people. I don't believe people have the right to adversely affect other people (this is a spiritual belief). I believe in Quantum Physics - the Butterfly Effect - so everything affects everything else.

His counselor, who was strictly AA by the book also taught him that whatever he did was in isolation and had no affect on anyone else and if they told you it did, they were just being "co-dependent." Which I think is a crock of B.S.
I drank by myself and lived by myself. My daughter is 26 and being that she didn't live with me I figured it wouldn't affect her. Yes, it did affect her even with her not living with me. Affected her, my son-in-law, granddaughter, friends, work etc.
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