Jur123

I'm wondering if ACOA traits change ove3r the time once the addicts pass away and are not present in our lives? My AM passed away 2 years ago and I can feel that I started to think differently about things in life. I'm not quite sure if it's because my AM is not present anymore and I have less stress in that department or it's because I started to research the ACOA related stuff.

DavidG

Mums bin dead for two years and dad for 12. Yes I am having changes. I am seeing my life and my family as "normal'. I am estranged from my brothers and sister- their choice, not mine.

I went through a few weeks last year- this must be working- sort of thing. And the wisdom of old age kicks in as well. I thought, if this keeps going I will no longer qualify!

But here must be some meaning to all this recovery caper- good to share the vibes... :>) David.

frances2011

For me, since my alcoholic moms passing was so traumatic, nothing changed until I started doing the work.

Wishing you continuing peace and healing

vegibean

My mom who has been using for as long as I can remember is still alive and having any kind of relationship with her is stressful in every way imaginable. I don't want to talk to her, but at the same time, she's getting older, I don't want to have any regrets... Anyway, it's why I'm starting therapy again soon, first appt. is a little over a week away.

Sometimes I wish she were gone so I could just be free. To this very day, she blames everything in her life on everyone else and takes no charge of her actions. She blames me, my sister, my dad, her dad and mom, all of her five husbands... not once has she owned any of her stuff. It is so hard for me...

That's what I have to offer...

VickiACA

I still have a lot of issues with the non-alcoholic live parent. My alcoholic father has been dead for over 10 years.

I have had the same experience as frances2011 - nothing changed until I started doing the work. That started with a yoga practice, added therapy and now I've added the ACA program to the mix. It's slow.

Best wishes.
Vicki

Chris1000101

I had the pleasure of foster homes starting somewhere around age 8. I have had no contact with bio-mom for 33 years now and bio-dad for 26 years. Someone in the bio-family told me he passed away about 10 years ago. I have been able to burn the rest of the bridges since then. I have no doubt that I would be dead or in jail if I tried to have a relationship with any of them.

Being separated from them has its moments, usually holidays are the worst but I stick with my friends within the fellowships during that time. Other than that, it has given me a better chance to recover being away from all the chaos. The journey is never ending I don’t look for the quick fixes anymore. I am finding what I learn and whom I meet along the way to be more enjoyable. Yes, it’s been more than 20 years, 4 fellowships and hours of counseling but nothing made any since until I became active in the group and worked the steps.

Kialua

The stressor is gone and I felt such openness and wonder, but the stress still surfaces occasionally. Many issues surface that I deal with but feel more successful about them. I still have the life shaped by my parents, no siblings that get along, no extended family. Even though I've had my own family there is a small void that will never be filled.

One issue I can't seem to shake is I find I still jump when someone is angry and yelling in another room. My body freaks out and I get scared. Even though it's been decades since I was beat by my alcoholic father. I tell myself it's ok, nothing will happen, but it doesn't help. I just have to wait it out until my body relaxes and gets over the fight or flight response.

I have had a lot of success overcoming my background, more than some of my siblings and friends. So it isn't all negative. But it does shape who you are forever.