newmama

Let me first start by saying that this is my first post here or on any kind of recovery board. It's a little scary to put this out there, so please be honest but kind.

I just found something out tonight and really don't know where to turn or what to do...

Some background (the very, very short version): My husband and I have been married for 10 years and have a baby born 6 months ago. Our marriage has had its rough spots and we have seperated before with the last time being about 3 years ago. One of the major reasons we separated was my husband's dependence on alcohol. He is a functional alcoholic and it took a long time to for him to admit that there was a problem. After years of counseling (couples and individual for both of us) and a lot of work I really felt like we've been in a solid, great place for the last two years.

So... what's the problem, then? My AH sometimes drinks a glass or two of wine at home in the evenings. Lately I've smelled hard alcohol on his breath and he has seemed drunk even though I've only seen him have one small glass of wine. The other night I noticed some hard alcohol in the house that hadn't been there before. Then a few nights later when putting something away I realized that it was gone. A few days later a new bottle showed up and now I know for sure that some "secret" drinking is going on and I don't know what this means or what to do .

I feel sick that my AH is being deceptive and has betrayed my trust. I'm also freaked out to think that this may have been going on while I was thinking we were in such a great place. Now it feels like a catch 22 - I can't pretend like I don't know he's secretly drinking hard alcohol and trying to hide it from me, I can't enable it by pretending like it doesn't matter, and I can't try to control it/be co-dependent. So what is the healthy thing to do?

I need help! I haven't even confronted my AH because I don't want to regress into old patterns/behavior. So my question is... what happens now? I need my husband to know that I know, I want to talk to him about how hurt I feel and my concerns about where this might lead and how it might impact our family. How do I do this without enabling him and/or being co-dependent? HELP, I really need some input!!!

jodane

Hi Newmama I just wanted to say Im so sorry your in this situation. I lived with abf who was a secret drinker and never knew how much he had drunk. I know the feelings i got when I realised he had been drinking again but I did all the wrong things so I can't help[Im new on here to] but there are people on here that will so just hang on in there and im sure they will be giving you lot of help.:ghug3

Seren

Hello newmama, Welcome to SR!

Oh, how sweet, love new babies!! Congratulations on your precious little one!!

I am sorry to hear about your husband. It sounds like he's not done yet, as the saying goes. I suppose my biggest concern would be leaving new baby in his care knowing he may be drunk.

I don't have personal experience with an alcoholic spouse (stepson and other family members in my case), but I'm sure others will be along soon to share their experiences.

Welcome, again!

redatlanta

Hello newmama and welcome to the forum!

So sorry for what you are experiencing - I went through the same thing last year. I am happy to share my experience and what I did. A little background...

My AH had been sober 10 years. We had been together 2 of those years. Last year I started to suspect he was drinking again. For about a year he had been broaching the subject with me that he believed he could drink socially. I did not support this, but also thought it was just him talking. He has serious health issues due to his alcoholism and I never thought he would "really" pick up again. There were two instances earlier last year that I thought he had - one was a receipt for vodka that he had ad another time that I thought I smelled it. Denied.

In September he started getting more bold. He would go back to the bedroom several times a night getting increasingly and very obviously drunk. I questioned him twice and he denied both times. Then I found SR. At that time I was looking for bottles and a little obsessed with finding proof. I felt the need to prove it not only to him but to myself as there was a small increment of doubt and hope that maybe I was wrong. I was encouraged not to do that so stopped. Instead I started going to Al Anon unbeknownst to him. While he would do his nightly "thing" I would sit on my laptop on SR and gather as much information as I could as well as support. Once I understood what I was dealing with and started working on my codependent behaviors I understood that his drinking would progress and that without trying to find out anything "more would be revealed". Because he was unaware of what I was doing our home was free of argument and while I was for a number of weeks just a mess inside that went away, and instead I became focused on what I had to do in order to protect myself. I figured out my boundaries and what I could live with. Could I live with him drinking occasionally? Sure, he was actually fun and pleasant. Could I live with a raging drunk? Hell NO. I knew it would progress to that and somewhere from point A to point B I would reach the point that I no longer wanted to be with him. Did I want to take on more health issues due to him drinking again? HELL NO.

So I took that time to prepare because at some point I would be ready to say it was the booze or me I needed to be able to exit right then when I made my boundary. He eventually admitted he was drinking. I let him own it - I didn't try and stop him, I didn't get pulled into a ridiculous argument over whether or not he could socially drink. It basically came down to....."Do what you want, I don't support your choice, it only has one way to end which is bad, and DO NOT come crying to me when it blows up in your face I won't bail you out of it". That was my Mantra and I said it often as it was important to him that I agree he was able to handle it.

It did blow up....he has been sober now for about 2 months. We are still together. i am still working my steps and our relationship is much better as I have changed my own behavior. I don't want to make it sound like a fairy tale I am just giving you the highlights. I take it day by day as choosing to be with an RAH means relapse is ALWAYS a possibility.

I can't tell you what you need to do. I can tell you that not confronting him is a choice and is doing something, and is not enabling - he will drink whether you confront him or not. That doesn't mean to never confront him - I am a firm believer in being prepared for the worst and hope for the best. Did your husband ever work a program? Did you ever attend Al Anon?

Your situation is a bit different than mine, I do not have children. Protection of them and yourself is paramount to trying to protect or help him. I can't tell from your post if he was ever sober - it doesn't sound like he was. You probably know its a progressive disease. It will only get worse.

My advice is to get busy - start going to Al Anon, stay on here, post often, read, educate yourself. Decide what you can live with then pursue action accordingly. There will be others along with more to say.....

My best to you and ((((hugs)))) I know how it feels!

redatlanta

P.S. I am curious how long he has been drinking a couple glasses of wine a night and what your response to that has been? I have a feeling that will end up being his defense of being the (nonexistent) alcoholic turned social drinker.

liv1ce

An alcoholic cannot have anything. The glasses of wine were just the beginning of a relapse that has continued. I am an alcoholic recovered many years ago and what your husband is doing is classic behavior. We all do it particularly if there is someone watching. Hiding alcohol and bottles is an everyday task for an alcoholic. Having one drink publicly to cover the reason for the smell of the breath is a classic as well. I am very tall and would keep a 1/2 gallon bottle stashed where one could get to it only with a ladder except me. To keep this from happening I would keep a small bottle out in plain sight. My first drink would come from that bottle so my wife could see that, indeed, I had drank from that bottle. From there I would make drinks that were 90% bourbon and 10% dark mix. Of course the glass smelled of bourbon because I had a drink earlier but for all intents and purposes it looked like I was drinking a coke which everyone knew was my drink of "choice."

We all think that somehow wine is not going to make us drunk. I would never choose it as a way to get high. I would start there if I was going to relapse since it is such a "cultured" way to drink but that would only bring the bourbon beast back to the front of the line one way or the other.

HopefulmomtoD

I'm so sorry- its got to be so scary to have a young baby and realize that your DH is an alcoholic. Sadly, things are only going to get worse if he does not decide to quit drinking.

I think joining here is a great first step. Get yourself as educated as possible on addiction and alcoholism. You'll learn quickly that the only person you can control is you, so you are going to have to decide what you are willing to live with. And, how you choose your child to be raised.

The alcoholic in my life is my 22 DS and one of the hardest things for me to accept is that alcoholics lie. It somehow makes them lie about almost everything and then they don't understand why you won't trust them. It sets you up for crazytown as you try to play the games of is he drinking, how much is he drinking, where is he getting it, where is he hiding it, etc.

dollydo

There really is no in between with an alcoholic, they are either drinking or not. He has a progressive disease that has no cure. It is only a matter of whether he is sober and working a strong recovery program or not, that's it.

Take some time to read others posts, the stickeys at the top of te forum and cynical one's blogs, may help you to better understand what you are dealing with.

Keep posting, we are here for you!

Recovering2

First of all, congratulations on your new baby.

I feel for your situation. My ABF did the same thing initially. Have a glass of wine with dinner, that's all he needed. Well, that's all he needed to drink publicly. He was stashing the small 4 packs of wine and drinking those after dinner. It progressed quickly to drinking pretty much all the time. I didn't say anything initially, but made myself crazy pouring out bottles and counting bottles.

I did tell him that I was aware of how much he was truly drinking, and that I was worried for him. He told me I was crazy, made excuses, then proceeded to pick fights with me. The fights gave him an excuse to 1) make an escape to "get away from me" aka have a drink, and 2) blame me for his drinking.

I sought counseling, and was told point blank to stop my behaviors. I finally told him that it was his choice to drink or not, and I would not say anything more about it. I then "lovingly detached" from his behaviors, found AlAnon, and started to work on me. When he figured out he couldn't engage me in an argument, that I was doing my own thing, and wasn't paying attention to his behaviors he initally got angrier towards me. But after a couple of months he felt the walls closing in. He didn't have anyone to turn to, including me. T'giving this year he came to me, and said he was ready for help.

You did the right think by seeking advice. Find an AlAnon meeting near you. I was advised to go to 6 meetings before deciding if it was right for me. Also, a group may not feel like a good fit, so try another group. But try a group at least twice. It took 3 different groups before I found one that I really liked. It is a very safe place to vent, listen, and learn.

Keep posting, there is plenty of help here for you.

newmama

Thank you for all the kind wishes about the baby and thanks so much for the comments and support! I really appreciate being able to talk about this with people that truly understand. I'm still processing and trying to figure this out and your insights are so helpful!


To answer a few of the questions:
* He did stop drinking completely about three years ago. When we got back together after being separated he was not drinking (we wouldn't have gotten back together if he was still drinking).
* Neither of us worked a program but we both had individual counseling (I still do) as well as couple's counseling together that has helped us in many ways.
* The wine drinking started as a very occasional thing. One glass while out for a nice dinner, or on vacation, etc. We talked about it at the time and he said he thought he could enjoy a glass of wine now and then without it becoming an issue. While I told him I was skeptical and that it seemed like a risk, it did seem to be ok for him for a few years and I didn't want to attempt to control or monitor his drinking

This latest episode started with drinking around the holidays. We were staying with family and wine was served with all the dinners and after dinner people had cocktails and he (like the old days) would have the most. Now that we're home he's been drinking wine most nights. And now I know that he's supplementing that wine with hard alcohol that he must be drinking warm and straight from the bottle for brief moments throughout the night.

I won't start the crazy-making checking again to try to figure out how much he's drinking... I know that's a dead end. But I am also concerned with my baby's safety because I don't really know what's going on with the drinking other than what I've described here. Because I don't check, it could be MUCH worse and it's possible the secret drinking has been going on for a long time... or even that he was never truly sober!!!

As of right now I'm planning to have a conversation with him tonight after the baby goes down. I think through the counseling we've had, we should be able to have a civil, straight-forward conversation about what's going on and keep it respectful. What I'm most nervous about is that he tells me what he knows I want to hear and that the secret drinkiing continues. It's the secret part that really feels different to what we've been through before and everything I've learned.

I'll post an update tonight or tomorrow after we talk... wish me luck!

vegibean

Don't back down, and don't let him BS you, you already know and as an alcoholic myself, that's how it goes. It's just a glass or two, then a bottle here and there, and then it keeps going, it gets worse. Stay strong woman!!

ODAT63

The hardest thing for me to accept was that an alcoholic always an alcoholic, and that alcoholics (while not in recovery) do not build families they destroy them.
And it is heartwrenching!.

newmama

I wanted to give a quick update... the conversation I planned didn't end up happening tonight. By the time our baby was asleep my AH was already at it. I'm only willing to have the conversation about this when he's sober so it's on to tomorrow for another try.

One new observation is that now that I'm aware of what's going on, his "secret" drinks are actually pretty obvious. I even watched him come back in the room and take a big gulp of wine before getting close to me to try to hide the smell of vodka on his breath.

FMTT

I sure hope newmama with only three posts is still lurking here. Girl, if he's back in the bottle like you've portrayed, his experiment with controlled drinking is officially over. The sooner he realizes that and gets sober, the better your family will be. The alternative does not end well but I'm sure you are aware of that. Stay strong and good luck.

Tomorrow I will actually celebrate nineteen years of freedom from the bondage of alcohol. One day at a time. My son is seven years old and hopefully he will never see his father drunk. One day at a time. I saw a Crown Royal Maple ad recently and my old brain kicked into overdrive thinking "mmm, maple, crown was always one of my faves, along with wild turkey, after all these years I could have a belt or two, just to taste it, right?". WTF is right. I've grown to accept that the hooch will never completely stop talking to me but today the sun is coming up and I'm sober. One day at a time. For almost two decades. Amazing.

IMHO, there can be no controlled drinking for that is to open the door containing a most ruthless and relentless beast. I hold him at bay only in my dreams if I open that door. What's funny is while writing this I am reminded of the old Twilight Zone episode where the devil convinces some fool to unlock the cell that he was clearly warned not to. That didn't end well either.

PohsFriend

Wondering how it went?

My little boy is 11 weeks and has the best mom I could hope for. I pray she never goes back to drinking and understand that fear with a little one around.

Prayers :-)

NYCDoglvr

Unfortunately alcoholism is a progressive disesase and it's very common for alcoholics to hide their drinking. Perhaps he will get help but if he doesn't there's really nothing to say that will affect someone else's drinking. I recommend Alanon, which helped me learn to detach and put up boundaries .... and eventually leave a very destructive relationship.

newmama

Thanks for the comments. I wanted to give an update on what happened. We had the initial conversation and a few since then and it went ok. We have gotten so much better at our communication and we're able to have these conversations calmly and without things escalating.

He admitted to getting carried away after the holiday drinking, but tried to downplay that he was hiding it. I called him out on that and he finally admitted that he didn't want me to know because he knew i wouldn't like it. And, it sounded like he hadn't fully admitted to himslef that he was in problem territory again. I told him that as we've already been down this road we know that it won't work and where it'll end up. He sincerely acknowledged that the stakes are higher than ever because of our baby (not to mention all the work we've both done to get to a better place). He made a commitment to be honest about what's going on including his struggles. I shared with him that my biggest fear is that he tells me what he thinks I want to hear and continues to drink. We agreed that he would show me through his actions rather than words. So far, so good but I remain skeptical for obvious reasons...

I'm feeling thankful that I've found this place because like many have said, this is an ongoing challenge even when he's sober/in recovery.

thislonelygirl

Welcome ts sr.
It seems from your post you allowed him a glass or two. Wine being ok.
Now you find out hes drinking harder liquor and you are upset.
It seems that he cannot have any alcohol what so ever.
Ask yourself if its a good idea for him to even have a few glasses?
And if its a good idea in early recovery for him to be around drinking?
Hes sick and without long term treatment with abstinence then your expecting a little too much.
Hopefully he can start a program over (for alcoholism) and abstain all together.
I hope it all turns around for him and you.

Florence

Hi newmama --

If you go back through my posts (there's a lot of them!) My first few threads were about being pregnant and the slow realization that my AH was an alcoholic and what that actually meant for him, for me, for our families. My AH did inpatient rehab with good results, but quickly backed off the treatment plan once he was home. They were very specific about what he needed to do, and if you ask him today, he acts like he doesn't know: Individual counseling, AA, sponsor, get involved and make friends, full time job (not seasonal, not part-time) and stay busy. He says he felt busy, but there was a lot of time he spent isolating himself and a lot of time spent watching movies on the couch. He barely saw a counselor, and he's a wallflower at AA (when he goes). Don't even get me started on the employment situation.

The trick to recovery, and I think this is where a lot of people get hung up, is figuring out how to have a full, rich life without the lubrication of drugs and alcohol. So most people can quit for a little bit of time, but find they're ill-equipped to live life on life's terms and THRIVE. Self-work is hard. Falling back on old habits is easy.

After a lot of strife he ended up relapsing again, and I discovered this while he was caring for our infant daughter. Per our mutual agreement, he left the house since it was discovered he relapsed again, and had been hiding it for some weeks again, and I've been living alone with the kids for about four months. There are pros and cons to this arrangement, but because my AH was such a drag on my emotional and financial resources, it's been really nice not having to deal with him on top of everything else.

ThatGirl66

I just did this with my binge-drinker BF...all he said was "I'm aware of it" WTF does THAT mean? That you're aware that I'm worried? That you're aware of how much you drink? Both?

I guess my point is that I'm unfortunately learning that if they don't want to address the problem, they won't - even if you're loving, worried, concerned, upset, etc., etc., etc.

And even if they are at the point where they are wearing their t-shirt as a pair of shorts, and you point THAT out to them. Which happened Christmas Eve, when we couldn't make it to his parents because he was on a binge. I went home to my own place and fixed a nice fire, made a comfort-food dinner, watched some sappy Xmas movies, and left him to sit in his t-shirt in his binge. As others have said, you have to learn to take care of yourself, and "lovingly detach".

But it is not easy....