Crazed

Something I am struggling with:

Example: When I was together with exAG, the last 5 years was relapse after relapse, even while she was trying to work a program - AA throughout, sponsor, step work). Since trust was at zero, I would request that she call me when she left work, or sometimes call me/email me from work so I actually knew she was at work. If she wasn't home within a reasonable time after a meeting, I would request she call and let me know if she was going to be late, etc... She had no problem with it as a way of regaining trust. She even used to volunteer friends from AA to say hi to me so I knew she was actually there.

Now she resents the hell out of me for all of it, saying that in hindsight it is codependent control.

Opinions? No need to hold back, just trying to understand my behavior.

lillamy

Well... here's what I think: I think that if people live together and share their everyday lives, it's common courtesy that you let each other know where you are, if your plans change, if you're delayed, etc.

I think you went beyond that into an extremely controlling behavior. Checking if she was actually at work? Checking that she was in an AA meeting when she said she was? Yeah, I would say that's pretty far out codie control behavior.

Trusting someone who has repeatedly let you down is hellaciously difficult.
But it's also nothing anyone else can do for you.
It sounds to me like you were trying to protect yourself by controlling her.
If she doesn't drink again, I won't get hurt.

You didn't trust her because you had good reason for distrust. But is that any way to live? How long would she have to keep that up for you to trust her? Six months? A year? Ten years? When I was in a relationship where I had been cheated on, I eventually drew the conclusion that no matter how much time passed, I would never trust him again, and I broke it off. There are people who can overcome trust issues -- in that case, I couldn't.

marie1960

No trust = no relationship. period.

This is sounding more and more like a parent-child situation.

I can hear my dad now, " Young lady, if you are not home immediately after school additional days will be added to your current "under house arrest" status." " You my child, WILL learn, rules are for your protection."

Katiekate

Hi, I have been reading your posts.

I'm going to be honest as hell.

You are trying to control something you can not control. The only thing you can control is yourself.

I would resent the hell out of it too, in recovery or not, and it is a hook for you. Just because she calls you or emails you does not prove that she has not relapsed.

If you don't trust someone you are in a relationship with, it is doomed.

I wonder what it means to you if she relapses. I wonder what it means to you that she has continued communication with someone and in doing so she is hurting you. How much are you going to take.

You are in a lot of pain, I'm so sorry, the bottom line , from my point of view,is that it might be time for you to start a journey of self discovery, healing , and awareness and let her do what she will do.

Much love to you, Katie xo

Katiekate

PS there is no right or wrong here, you are two people in a lot of pain.

Time apart may be the only way for either of you to heal.

It is not your fault , their is a disease that is incurable in the middle of all of this, one that she has and you don't.

Your sickness is co dependency.

Crazed

Thank you. All. I needed to hear these things (although they are already in my mind). I will read this thread over and over.

Katiekate

This process for me was like working out, you break down your muscles to build them back up.

Maybe at some point allowing yourself to break down is needed.

xo

Recovering2

I didn't ask my ABF to call me, but I checked up on him in other ways. When he left his emails up I would read through them. When he left his phone around, I would look through messages. I felt like it was the only way I could find the truth, since he would either lie to me or shut me out. When he found out about all that, it only made him angrier at me. And honestly, looking back, it only made me crazier doing it. I had become "addicted to the addicted". My behavior was not that of a normal person.

Through a lot of work with my Counselor, and AlAnon, I stopped the behaviors. I learned to listen to my gut. I learned I have to let go, and focus on my own health. It's not easy. He has been away in treatment since November, and came home this past weekend. 2 nights ago, as I'm falling off to sleep, I hear the familiar "ping" noise on his phone when he gets an email. It was an immediate trigger for me! I didn't expect my reaction, but my heart rate went up and I was wide awake. In the past, I would have checked the phone....wondering who is emailing this late at night? But instead, I left it alone. Not my job to monitor his emails.

It's a process, not something that happens in a day. But you have to start somewhere. Going to AlAnon, and posting here, is a good start.

ReflectingOnMe

Asking someone to prove something is a bit much. She could grab a friend from anywhere to 'confirm' she's at AA. My xabf used to make me prove anything I told him (historical events, facts, etc...) . I never understood why because I wouldn't state a fact without knowing it WAS indeed factual; until all of his lies came out and then the light bulb went on and I realized he didn't trust what I was saying because he is a liar.

I'm not calling you a liar..just wondering why you would want to be in a life with someone you feel the need to track?

I love my xabf...but I will never be with him again because I cannot trust him to not cheat..have inappropriate texts/fb relations/im messages. It hurts like h#**; I thought we would be together forever. I accepted it all, the drinking, the pissing himself, the impotence, the anger, the drunk eye, the whole nine, but lies & cheating are boundaries for me -- who knew I had boundaries!! ;-)

Crazed

Thank you ReflectingOnMe. I think the only person I lie to is myself. During some years of sobriety I did not find the need to track... I tend to only remember the good times...

dollydo

My exabf would call me and say "I'll be home around 6", ok, so I'd make some dinner...guess what...he didn't come home..WTH, why call me? So, the bottom line is, there is no controlling
what an addict says or does...nothing makes any sense.

bailey17

Truth is, you shouldn't have to do that, and I doubt u wanted to. I used to do stuff like that with my xabf. I didn't want to, I just had such little trust in him that I felt like I had to. For me, i realized that by involving myself in a relationship with someone who was unhealthy and destructive, I in turn did unhealthy and destructive behaviors. But I see that now, and am working on myself.

dollydo

I should have added that I was not the one who asked him to call me, he just did it. I really believe he was playing a mind game with me. After he pulled that on me a few times, I didn't answer the phone and didn't cook a thing, sometimes he would stagger in the door and other times he would disappear for days. Didn't take me long to figure out that he was not the man of my dreams, just the opposite....a nightmare.