renaldo

Hello everyone,

I've read many of your posts and responded to some and it has really helped me. Thank you so much.

I really need your help now. I've told my mother and my therapist that I'm going to detox and rehab. Those two processes are separate, and quite likely to be separated by days in which my resolve will be tested. Also, the detox is non-medical, so if I need medical assistance, they'll just call an ambulance to take me to the emergency room, and God knows how much that would cost. They won't give me anything for the withdrawals. No doctors on the premises.

I've spent many hours on the phone calling different programs and most are out of my financial reach. The one that's affordable is only so on a sliding scale basis if I can prove I'm unemployed.

My therapist called me the day before Christmas - I forget for what. He is very free with his time. I told him I was still really under the weather with this cold that I had (which was true - sleeping quite a lot, lethargic, incessant amount of phlegm, lack of appetite). We talked for a bit and eventually he said, "well, we can just do your session over the phone."

Yesterday, as I was going through all the mounds of paperwork related to financial assistance, I thought, 'did I pay him for that session?' It's not the first time we've done the session over the phone.

I called him, and he couldn't remember either. I took the opportunity to explain the situation and ask him if he would write a letter to confirm that I was unemployed, because of course, anyone could say that, but how do you prove it? He said no problem, he would write a letter right away and send it to me.

So I'm biding time for the letter to get mailed to me and using that as an excuse to have the "last hurrah," because the idea of never drinking again makes me shiver in my boots.

Last evening and this morning, I've been enjoying the current and older TV shows I've been watching on the internet and doing the sporadic email... just dreading the inevitable.

I suppose I could let down my therapist - he's paid for his time - but my Mother doesn't deserve that. She remembers the good stuff somehow, or perhaps she's just not letting on. I'm pretty honest with her, so if I screw up now, I'm really going to feel like a failure.

Finally yesterday (for the second day in a row) I ate a couple of healthy meals, showered, and felt strong enough to drive (not under the influence) and get some business done.

When I got home, the first thing I did was cook another healthy meal, eat, and wash the dishes. Then it was 10:30pm.

I ended up watching some TV shows on the internet, then more and more, and now it's 9am and I haven't slept or felt tired at all or felt anything but a mild thumping at the door during the process.

I know that the insomnia is coming with a vengeance, and I'm just dreading it. Perhaps in a half a year I can look back on this and think, 'this is no way to live.'

Plenty of you have said that there is life without beer, and a good life at that, so I'm not going to ask you to remind me. But, although I'm enjoying myself, if I'm having this many misgivings, it must not be all it's cracked up to be.

For now, however, I can say that it's the way it is.

Obviously, if I'm voluntarily willing to check myself into rehab, I know something is amiss. I can't wallow in hedonism indefinitely.

Thank you all for any feedback from your experience.

Please, no AA stuff. I know it backwards and forwards already and have been to many meetings. I've read the BB twice all the way through and many times more in bits and pieces. I know some people think that's not enough. I'll be "doing the do" AA-wise the next month, 'cuz that's all I can afford, unless someone knows of a $6/day rehab that doesn't use it.

And I may start attending meetings again after rehab, but, please please talk from your personal experience without quoting the BB. It causes a gag reflex in me.

It didn't initially, but having been raised a Southern Baptist and being told you have to keep reading one specific book over and over until it's milked drier than a cow's teat in the dust bowl just brings up awful memories for me.

I could say lots of funny things unrelated to addiction - or related to them - but I know that this is a forum devoted to recovery.

Thank you again for any stories from your personal experience that may help me through this difficult time.

lilyrosemary

Hi! i will be sober three years tomorrow and this morning i was thinking about how there is absolutely no downside; not one single negative thing about quitting drinking, drugs, etc. Not many things in life have that good a track record! Best wishes. You deserve a better life and i hope you do what it takes to get it.

escapist

I have never been to a facility for detox or rehab. The whole idea of handing myself over to a group of people I have never seen terrifies me. You have been here at least as long as I have and I am sure you know what you need to do. You are the only "expert" on yourself and your decision is the right thing. I am proud of you. You are showing courage in the fight for sobriety.

YEM

Rehab for me was basically just 30 days to get a little bit of clarity back and get a little bit of structure back in my life. It was needed for me because I was removed from ways and means to get more and could finally take a look at what Id been doing to myself and others all those years.

As far as sobriety "not being all its cracked up to be" - it is what you make it. You walked into the woods, you have to walk back out. If we could just stop using/drinking and then have our lives immediately be great, there would not be any need to live in recovery.

I would take a close look at why AA didnt work for you and why you indicate you are doing this more for your mother than you.

I could talk myself out of every aspect of my recovery if I let myself keep thinking that way. There is a part of me that wants me to be miserable or dead. I do absolutely everything I can to keep that locked away and so far its been working. My life today blows away what I thought I could be while using.

Go with your gut and dont talk yourself out of a good, meaningful life.

andisa

Renaldo,
You do what you need to do, for yourself, to live the life you want to live. Knowing that's the right thing to do, and actually doing it, are two separate issues, I understand more than I can say. I'm not one to give advice right now, being stuck in not living according to what I know is the right thing to do, but I do know that taking care of yourself must be your priority. Proceed forward with strength, knowing you're doing the right thing.

Sapling

From my personal experience...Reading that book isn't what has kept me sober. Doing what is in that book has.

Valll

Hi renaldo,

it sounds to me that you have it all sorted out in your head about what you want/need to do, but are maybe a little afraid as you don't yet know how it is going to turn out? Lots of us have been in that place and all I can suggest is not to think too much about what may or may not happen.

You are doing a great thing for yourself in taking these steps to feel better.

Take carex
Val

hamabi

Well, you'll make a fresh start at least after your Last Harrah. Hang in there.

renaldo

Inaccurate.

renaldo

I've been through an outpatient thing before. I seriously doubt that the people who ran the thing were creaming in their jeans thinking of ways they could dominate me. In fact, none of them were heavy handed with me at all. They really did have my best interests in mind.

As for what I'm embarking on, I don't know. I just know that if left to my own devices, I will "waste" (and I use that term usely) time until the cows come home.

I really appreciate (most) everyone's warm responses, but here it is the next day and I haven't slept.

I want to get some more beer, but I think I just might be able to sleep now finally. I'm not saying it was unpleasant. I enjoyed every minute of it. I didn't feel tired until now.

I guess my time has come now and at 11am it would be ridiculous to go buy more beer. I nursed the beer I had. Kept looking in the fridge saying to myself, 'oh, that's all I've drank? I'm good 'til the wee hours.'

I'm sure you know the mindset.

Coldfusion

WHOA!

I just read the first paragraph, and am wondering why you would consider non-medical detox?

Coldfusion

I would say:

Do not detox then figure out if you need a doctor.

See a doctor then figure out how to detox.

Dee74

I'm not sure why you're doing non medical detox either but I guess it's cost - at least there'll be people there to put you in an ambulance if you need it renaldo

I have no experience with detox or rehab...I do know my decision to quit was the best one of my life - it's led me to some great new experiences and a brand new way at looking at some old ones...

like any birth/rebirth it was hard and it was not pleasant a lot of the time, but neither was my drinking life...

I'm not going to go all 'whatever man' with you on last hurrahs - I've done that. It's a ridiculous idea - it's dangerous, and it just might lead you to put off this step once again.

I know it's scary, it's a leap of faith...but stand your ground and stay sober - you already know all there is about the drinking experience.

There's no epiphanies to be had there

best of luck to you Renaldo

D

renaldo

Coldfusion and Dee,

Thanks for responding. Just as an aside, I love both of your avatars.

Non-medical detox is strictly a factor of cost. It seems like a silly idea to me too. Why would you want to detox around non-medical people? But beggars can't be choosers.

Maybe I need to investigate some other places. Of the ones that are workable for me (in other words, not women-only places), the next cheapest one is thousands of dollars.

There is Salvation Army, which is free. It's a 90 day work program.

Any suggestions in the Sonoma County, California area would be welcome.

Thanks all for taking the time to respond.

BTW, I slept like a baby for 12 hours after posting. Confession is good for the soul, I guess

soberlicious

Not all it's cracked up to be? Like people who have quit are involved in some sort of cover up? It's really horribly boring without alcohol but we're just keeping it hush-hush and pretending like life is better without booze? Hmmmmm I'm not sure why anyone would do that. That would seem...weird.

The addicted part of you is having misgivings...that's not really you.

I definitely would have done the last hurrah...but I was f*cking nuts. I was also hell bent on killing myself, so they kept me in the psych ward after detox some extra days until the bed opened up at the IP rehab. Straight out one door and into the next. You said you will likely have days in between detox and rehab. Is there any way at all to avoid that and if not can someone stay with you just to get through those couple of days?

renaldo

Thanks soberlicious,

Not all it's cracked up to be? Like people who have quit are involved in some sort of cover up? It's really horribly boring without alcohol but we're just keeping it hush-hush and pretending like life is better without booze? Hmmmmm I'm not sure why anyone would do that. That would seem...weird.

Of course, that makes complete sense. It's a conspiracy to win me over for ritual sacrifice. I doubt it though. I think everyone is genuinely sincere.

The addicted part of you is having misgivings...that's not really you.

It's hard to separate from my core personality. I've always had an escapist element, whatever it was. As a kid, it was obsession with "scare'ems" - those little rubber monsters in plastic eggs dispensed from gumball machines. I would make little "haunted houses" out of shoe boxes. I would cut out windows from them, draw decrepit shingles on them with colored pencils, and construct entire scenarios between the scare'ems.

There is a counter force though which plunges outward into the "real" world. I like that part better.

I definitely would have done the last hurrah...but I was f*cking nuts.

My last hurrah consisted of nothing more than what you witnessed - doing stuff on the internet. But that's probably just excusing abnormal behavior. Normal people don't belabor every word and read their stuff over and over before hitting the send button unless it's a grant proposal.

I derive great enjoyment from it, however, and I don't beat myself up if I make a mistake.

I was also hell bent on killing myself, so they kept me in the psych ward after detox some extra days until the bed opened up at the IP rehab. Straight out one door and into the next. You said you will likely have days in between detox and rehab. Is there any way at all to avoid that and if not can someone stay with you just to get through those couple of days?

I've got one friend a half hour's drive from here and his car died. He wouldn't be able to spend time with me without smoking pot anyway, so that's out.

I've got another friend in town here, but he works a standard job, and then when he gets off he spends all his spare time with his girlfriend. Asking him to come over every night would really strain the friendship, and I'd still have the daytime to contend with.

Sans beer, I tend to resort to the Starburst candies and such with the relentlessness of a dog dry-humping someone's leg. The thought just popped into my mind and although I'm not hungry, now I'm doing it.

Dee74

I've always had a strong escapist element too - I spent my childhood not only writing characters but *being* them as well...

I still have a strong escapist streak...I love to get carried away in music or a book or a new obsession be it a band or a TV show or whatever...

that's not the same as my addiction tho...although one certainly fed the other.

I would escape to make my life better...I drugged and drank to shut my life out.

One was weird but harmless...the other nearly did me in.

I'm pretty normal and I do that too - mostly because since my stroke unedited posts may not make a lot of sense(!)...but I was always a mad keen and somewhat obsessional editor anyway.

I'm not sure if any of that actually was important - just wanted to touch base and let you know you're not as freakzoid as you might think.

Best of luck with everything - and if nothing else - tune in here when you are inbetween spots

D

renaldo

Editing was part of my job.

I'm cooking healthy food now, but it won't be ready until midnight or later and I know that's not normal. I could have cooked any time. In fact, I'm still not hungry after the Starburst candies (which I put away - I wasn't even hungry when I ate them), but once this balanced meal is ready, I will enjoy the nosh.

Usually my appetite picks up when I'm eating a healthy meal and I say to myself, 'man this is good!'

Thanks Dee. You reinforce that I'm not the man who landed to earth.

lilgolden73

Good luck Renaldo! You can do this, stay strong and keep us updated!

renaldo

Ah, that meal was good. I cooked enough for several meals which I will refrigerate..

Thank you all for your interest in my situation.

Dee, I like the way you put it. Birth/rebirth is not without pain. I'm paraphrasing.

Oh well, "there's nothing for life but to live it." That's old folk wisdom.

The fat lady hasn't sung yet.