What is 'good' support and how to use it?
Better when never is never
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
What is 'good' support and how to use it?
This may seem like a strange question, but I am wondering all things about getting support. I know that I cannot do this alone, or at least have not succeeded in 30 years of drinking, and need/want the support of others. However, why do we need this external support? What does it look like? How do we use it when it is offered to us?
Sorry if this all sound ridiculous, but I was on another forum before this and a lot of the support was unconditional and along the lines of "keep trying" and "you can do this!" Frankly, I just didn't know what I was supposed to do with that.
Sorry if this all sound ridiculous, but I was on another forum before this and a lot of the support was unconditional and along the lines of "keep trying" and "you can do this!" Frankly, I just didn't know what I was supposed to do with that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
Different people seem to need different types and amounts of support.
I needed all the support I could get, and then some, and I feel really fortunate to have been in that condition because I believe it's the most fertile ground to learn and grow upon. For me and a lot of others, AA was the most accessible, and where I found the most support. That support came in many forms:
I needed all the support I could get, and then some, and I feel really fortunate to have been in that condition because I believe it's the most fertile ground to learn and grow upon. For me and a lot of others, AA was the most accessible, and where I found the most support. That support came in many forms:
- I got to talk face to face with people going through the exact same stuff as me.
- I got to hear many people's experiences within an hour's time at meetings.
- I found new friends and aquaintances.
- I found hope, seeing that people I felt were even worse off than me were able to succeed and create wonderful lives for themselves.
- I was given lots and lots of tools for resisting temptations, growing, changing, and living a happy life without alcohol.
- I was given the 12 steps, which isn't required, but is the foundation of my sobriety.
- I was introduced to a lot of literature that really helped me undersand alcoholism, and gave me a lot of knowledge on how to stay sober. The book Alcoholics Anonymous, and a much smaller easier reading book, Living Sober were the most helpful.
- I was given opportunities to get out of my own head, by helping others.
- I was given lots and lots of hope.
- I was given ideas of new things to do, sober.
- I was given a new community of people to do those sober things with.
- I had people to call at any time of day or night should I feel the urge to drink. And I was shocked to find they were really happy I called. And it worked, too.
- I was able to get myself a sponsor, which is one of the best means of support in the beginning. It's someone you who avails themselves to help you along, teach you what kept them sober, introduce you to people, meetings, etc. There are no strict guidlines for sponsorship so this varies.
- I was given the opportunity to do some service also in AA, and feel feel some purpose in my life. And this is aboslutely not required.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
We're all different. Just as we all have different personalities, we all like different things.
Some people like unconditional support, others like to be guided step by step...others like to go their own way but know they can call on the group when needed....the ways are myriad...
Whatever kind of support it is you want I think you have a great chance of finding it here jazzfish
D
Some people like unconditional support, others like to be guided step by step...others like to go their own way but know they can call on the group when needed....the ways are myriad...
Whatever kind of support it is you want I think you have a great chance of finding it here jazzfish
D
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
I'm just a kookey old drunk who is sober, probably "damaged goods" . Sometimes the people who post are just as bad as me, might be worse or might be not as bad .
Some of the big issues people have to deal with is mind blowing !
Often the only thing i have to offer is my faith that if you're a drunk like me, drink and drugs only make things worse. Keeping trying and encouraging people to help themselves to learn about and work a recovery is all i can offer .
Offer it i will, as who is to say what might help inspire or encourage someone, at least i tried to reach out as best i could no matter how trite my posting or thumbing might seem . I'm not an expert in inter-alcoholic and narcotic abuser peer group motivational writing ... yet
So maybe the best thing to do would be to just take the good advice and leave the rest ..
Bestwishes, M
Some of the big issues people have to deal with is mind blowing !
Often the only thing i have to offer is my faith that if you're a drunk like me, drink and drugs only make things worse. Keeping trying and encouraging people to help themselves to learn about and work a recovery is all i can offer .
Offer it i will, as who is to say what might help inspire or encourage someone, at least i tried to reach out as best i could no matter how trite my posting or thumbing might seem . I'm not an expert in inter-alcoholic and narcotic abuser peer group motivational writing ... yet
So maybe the best thing to do would be to just take the good advice and leave the rest ..
Bestwishes, M
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
I think support can be one of the pillars of recovery. What that support entails, I don't know beyond the support of other recovering alcoholics and addicts.
Too often I see posts about not getting enough support, usually from a spouse, family, significant other. But rarely is that support defined. What is a spouse or loved one supposed to do to support my recovery? Drive me to AA? Not drink in front of me? Not bug me when I relapse? Nag me to go to rehab? What is support?
I'm not saying this is the case with you, jazzfish, but too often, support, specifically the lack of it, is used as an excuse for one's failed recovery, "I didn't get enough support."
Guess what I'm saying is, you want support that will help your recovery, get into the rooms, lean on SR, draw on the expertise of the recovered.
And ask your loved ones to be patient.
Too often I see posts about not getting enough support, usually from a spouse, family, significant other. But rarely is that support defined. What is a spouse or loved one supposed to do to support my recovery? Drive me to AA? Not drink in front of me? Not bug me when I relapse? Nag me to go to rehab? What is support?
I'm not saying this is the case with you, jazzfish, but too often, support, specifically the lack of it, is used as an excuse for one's failed recovery, "I didn't get enough support."
Guess what I'm saying is, you want support that will help your recovery, get into the rooms, lean on SR, draw on the expertise of the recovered.
And ask your loved ones to be patient.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
Thanks for posting this. I have tried getting a discussion started on this a few months back because I do not really get what support is supposed to be.
When I was attending meetings the emphasis seemed to be so much on confronting people on their failings that it was hard to let your guard down--so I did not find that support useful. Plus you were not supposed to drag anyone down with you, if you started craving--which is when I needed help the most.
I found it was easier to talk about my addiction and recovery with non-addicts because there was no judgement and I could be completely open about what was going on. That was what helped the most.
With friends outside the program, I could talk about feeling the desire to use and I could call them when the urge arose. There are nights that are hard to get through and you need to be able to talk about it while it is happening. (Or I did.) If I did not have someone willing to stay on the phone with me, I would have called a dealer.
The encouragement is pretty useless I agree. I also think the critiquing of people's recovery can be destructive. But just being able to speak about one's experience with someone non-judgemental (a professional or a friend) helps one understand that experience. That helps you as you find the strength to withstand the desire to drink or use.
Some "support" may not help you. But some will. It is trial and error to figure out what helps you. But if you start trying to figure it out, you will eventually find what actually does help you.
When I was attending meetings the emphasis seemed to be so much on confronting people on their failings that it was hard to let your guard down--so I did not find that support useful. Plus you were not supposed to drag anyone down with you, if you started craving--which is when I needed help the most.
I found it was easier to talk about my addiction and recovery with non-addicts because there was no judgement and I could be completely open about what was going on. That was what helped the most.
With friends outside the program, I could talk about feeling the desire to use and I could call them when the urge arose. There are nights that are hard to get through and you need to be able to talk about it while it is happening. (Or I did.) If I did not have someone willing to stay on the phone with me, I would have called a dealer.
The encouragement is pretty useless I agree. I also think the critiquing of people's recovery can be destructive. But just being able to speak about one's experience with someone non-judgemental (a professional or a friend) helps one understand that experience. That helps you as you find the strength to withstand the desire to drink or use.
Some "support" may not help you. But some will. It is trial and error to figure out what helps you. But if you start trying to figure it out, you will eventually find what actually does help you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
IMHO... the only meaningful support we can give another, here in SR, one alcoholic to another, is sharing our experience. Well, the attaboys and attagirls, are nice...sure, and that's important too, celebrating another's breakthrough or milestone... But when it comes to the gnarlies of early sobriety, all I can tell you is what I did.
Sometimes, some of us may try advise, criticize, tell another what they should do... lord knows I am guilty of that... and more often than not, it doesn't seem to work out so well. Though, a well spoken question at the right time... works pretty well.
Sometimes, some of us may try advise, criticize, tell another what they should do... lord knows I am guilty of that... and more often than not, it doesn't seem to work out so well. Though, a well spoken question at the right time... works pretty well.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
There's something about being supported by another person who knows exactly what I am going through, specifically with my emotions and in many ways of my thinking. One alcoholic talking with another alcoholic. Face to face is awesome, but online helps me, too. Even just talking on the phone. It's priceless!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
I have the support of the AA oldtimers and I trust them.
Support is important but be sure it is the right support.
If I have heart problems, I want a heart doctor, not a proctologist.
All the best.
Bob R
Support is important but be sure it is the right support.
If I have heart problems, I want a heart doctor, not a proctologist.
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Des Moines IA
Posts: 377
Support and recovery have two different meanings. Receiving lots of sympathy and assurances and forgiveness, understanding and fellowship, identification and instruction, love, friendship and encouragement...contains no recovery from alcoholism though it all can feel very good.
To change the course of how this thing goes for alcoholics, so they can recover from it takes something different than support. Something effective, and all ineffective trappings can be present or not present. All the warm fuzzies any group of people can supply are ineffective in altering what needs to change to not eventually pick up a drink.
Expecting that a support group do what it cannot do is an unreasonable expectation. If you want support then they can supply that to you in spades. Recovery, no.
To change the course of how this thing goes for alcoholics, so they can recover from it takes something different than support. Something effective, and all ineffective trappings can be present or not present. All the warm fuzzies any group of people can supply are ineffective in altering what needs to change to not eventually pick up a drink.
Expecting that a support group do what it cannot do is an unreasonable expectation. If you want support then they can supply that to you in spades. Recovery, no.
Better when never is never
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
Thanks for all these replies. It seems the support I am looking for and need is the experience of others who have successfully moved into recovery; the opportunity to ask questions and have others share their experience as its relates to my current situation; and, probably, face-to-face support as well as continued interaction here.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Wow jazzfish, you just said about what I was going to say!
the best support I have received is people who have shared here their own experiences. Whether it's said directly or just gleaned from the rich supply of recovery experience here on SR, the message I take is "yes, it's challenging, but WE do it, and it's worth it"
As far as support from other areas of my life. People doing concrete things like drive me to an appt/meeting if I need it. Or people listening when I need to process some thoughts or emotions. People accepting the reality of my situation. I have substance abuse issues. I no longer use substances or alcohol. People who try to talk me out of it or suggest that it was really never THAT bad...and I am being dramatic...that's not useful.
It also helps to get honest feedback from those around me. Sometimes they will tell me that they've noticed change or growth in me, remind me of how I USED to "handle" that situation, and how I don't anymore. It's good to know that my recovery efforts are effective and noticeable, and that they are benefiting those around me as well.
the best support I have received is people who have shared here their own experiences. Whether it's said directly or just gleaned from the rich supply of recovery experience here on SR, the message I take is "yes, it's challenging, but WE do it, and it's worth it"
As far as support from other areas of my life. People doing concrete things like drive me to an appt/meeting if I need it. Or people listening when I need to process some thoughts or emotions. People accepting the reality of my situation. I have substance abuse issues. I no longer use substances or alcohol. People who try to talk me out of it or suggest that it was really never THAT bad...and I am being dramatic...that's not useful.
It also helps to get honest feedback from those around me. Sometimes they will tell me that they've noticed change or growth in me, remind me of how I USED to "handle" that situation, and how I don't anymore. It's good to know that my recovery efforts are effective and noticeable, and that they are benefiting those around me as well.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
