My head is spinning!!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
My head is spinning!!
I have refused to engage with my husband. I have not been mean or belittling. I have just been detached and trying to keep the focus on me, my needs, my wants and my happiness.
Today, he wanted to talk. He tried to explain that his relapse what not done to hurt me but understands the disappointment and hurt I feel. He is telling me it is another learning experience for his recovery. He believed his recovery was strong enough to take the pain meds under a controlled situation but from the minute he was given them at the hospital he knew he was in trouble. He said his desire for more kicked in immediately. Now he knows he has to say "I am an addict, I can not take a narcotics." The power of the slogan "One is too many and a thousand will never be enough" has really hit home. I didn't say one word nor did I look at him.
He has had some withdrawals and is trying to sleep as much as he can in the family room. I have not helped him in the slightest bit. He had to go out and buy his own water, bananas for rls, immodium ad, and emergency C drinks. He has been going to 2 meetings and giving me my own space. I have tried to keep myself busy and not let this dominate my thinking.
His NA buddy, whom I like a lot but have been keeping my distance from lately asked me to talk today. He said he thinks my husband has come a long way, made many positive changes, acknowledges this was a setback but a positive thing too. He wasn't surprised about this at all as it all too common in early recovery. He made many of the same and worse mistakes early in his recovery. He was glad to see I said NO, I wouldn't help with withdrawals and stuck to my word about it. He is glad to see me work my own program, not engage, not argue with him and step back and allow him to deal with his own consequences.
I looked at 3 places and didn't like any of them. Now I am starting to question myself. It's not like I am shocked by this. (I don't think anyone was surprised) But know I am wondering if this a stepping stone to a stronger recovery or will this be my life if I stay with him?? My head is spinning!!
Today, he wanted to talk. He tried to explain that his relapse what not done to hurt me but understands the disappointment and hurt I feel. He is telling me it is another learning experience for his recovery. He believed his recovery was strong enough to take the pain meds under a controlled situation but from the minute he was given them at the hospital he knew he was in trouble. He said his desire for more kicked in immediately. Now he knows he has to say "I am an addict, I can not take a narcotics." The power of the slogan "One is too many and a thousand will never be enough" has really hit home. I didn't say one word nor did I look at him.
He has had some withdrawals and is trying to sleep as much as he can in the family room. I have not helped him in the slightest bit. He had to go out and buy his own water, bananas for rls, immodium ad, and emergency C drinks. He has been going to 2 meetings and giving me my own space. I have tried to keep myself busy and not let this dominate my thinking.
His NA buddy, whom I like a lot but have been keeping my distance from lately asked me to talk today. He said he thinks my husband has come a long way, made many positive changes, acknowledges this was a setback but a positive thing too. He wasn't surprised about this at all as it all too common in early recovery. He made many of the same and worse mistakes early in his recovery. He was glad to see I said NO, I wouldn't help with withdrawals and stuck to my word about it. He is glad to see me work my own program, not engage, not argue with him and step back and allow him to deal with his own consequences.
I looked at 3 places and didn't like any of them. Now I am starting to question myself. It's not like I am shocked by this. (I don't think anyone was surprised) But know I am wondering if this a stepping stone to a stronger recovery or will this be my life if I stay with him?? My head is spinning!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I don't think you have my way of knowing for sure. You know my story--RABF has had one really bad relapse--over 2 years recovery--and a "relapse in behavior" when he went to doctors to ask for drugs. That was several months ago, and he is back on subs and in intensive inpatient therapy. Of course, relapse could happen at any time in the future.
I guess all you can do is watch the behavior and
I guess all you can do is watch the behavior and
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Sorry. Watch the behavior and see how much you can tolerate. We can't tell you what you should do. My personal boundary is that I do not live with an active addict. I told him that 3 years ago and meant it. I don't consider his subs as part of using, because his behavior is of someone in recovery and he is working closely with doctor.
That's just me right now, and we are all individuals. We have no kids at home and all finances are seperate
It makes sense for you to have an exit plan. I thought you were controlling the money?
Take care.
That's just me right now, and we are all individuals. We have no kids at home and all finances are seperate
It makes sense for you to have an exit plan. I thought you were controlling the money?
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
A stepping stone for YOUR recovery! Yes! Definitely, LMN! Imagine how you'd be behaving if you had not been in recovery at all!
The women I know, have known, in Al-Anon who remained with their addicted husbands were able to do so, they said, only because of Al-Anon. They HAD TO FOCUS on THEMSELVES in the most intense and meaningful way and with structure and accountability, and they did that in Al-Anon. They got sponsors. They did service work. They joined smaller Step Study groups. This was the revelation Lois W. had so many years ago: that when BillW. was actively drinking (you should read her biography sometime for he was such a total train wreck for so many years) she was obsessed with him. And when he started Alcoholics Anonymous, she realized she had been so obsessed with him that she did not know who she was anymore.
If you want to get well and maybe in the meantime also do your part to save your marriage if it might be worth saving, I have seen miracles in Al-Anon. Women who dragged in ready to kill themselves and their husbands (really. with a plan). Women and men alike at their weakest and most hopeless. And the ones who really really really committed to working their programs, they CHANGED. And if their addicted spouses were also working a program, marriages were actually saved.
I have to say the old prescription of 90 meetings in 90 days might be the best for both you and your AH, if you live in an area that will serve that (he would have to seek AA meetings, for there are fewer NA or CA meetings). And you might have to throw in CoDA. But I have seen people in Al-Anon do 90 in 90 and it is powerful.
There is something about the Divine Spirit in the rooms. It is subtle. But when we are honest, willing, and open, slowly and permanently we transform. You might think about it anyway. An immersion for 90 days.
The women I know, have known, in Al-Anon who remained with their addicted husbands were able to do so, they said, only because of Al-Anon. They HAD TO FOCUS on THEMSELVES in the most intense and meaningful way and with structure and accountability, and they did that in Al-Anon. They got sponsors. They did service work. They joined smaller Step Study groups. This was the revelation Lois W. had so many years ago: that when BillW. was actively drinking (you should read her biography sometime for he was such a total train wreck for so many years) she was obsessed with him. And when he started Alcoholics Anonymous, she realized she had been so obsessed with him that she did not know who she was anymore.
If you want to get well and maybe in the meantime also do your part to save your marriage if it might be worth saving, I have seen miracles in Al-Anon. Women who dragged in ready to kill themselves and their husbands (really. with a plan). Women and men alike at their weakest and most hopeless. And the ones who really really really committed to working their programs, they CHANGED. And if their addicted spouses were also working a program, marriages were actually saved.
I have to say the old prescription of 90 meetings in 90 days might be the best for both you and your AH, if you live in an area that will serve that (he would have to seek AA meetings, for there are fewer NA or CA meetings). And you might have to throw in CoDA. But I have seen people in Al-Anon do 90 in 90 and it is powerful.
There is something about the Divine Spirit in the rooms. It is subtle. But when we are honest, willing, and open, slowly and permanently we transform. You might think about it anyway. An immersion for 90 days.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I have all our savings in SDB, where he can not touch it. Originally, he said if I left, he wanted half but has backed off that completely. He knows I wasnt going to give him any. He has a few descent size checks coming in, he doesn't need it anyway.
My boundary is "I will not live with an active addict." too. I suspected but I wasn't sure until I noticed he couldn't sleep and was up and down all night. Then I knew! He admitted it and said he was withdrawing and asked for my help. I said NO!! And you know the rest.
My boundary is "I will not live with an active addict." too. I suspected but I wasn't sure until I noticed he couldn't sleep and was up and down all night. Then I knew! He admitted it and said he was withdrawing and asked for my help. I said NO!! And you know the rest.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Thank you English Garden for the reminder of 90 meetings in 90 days. (He already does that). I have really slacked off on the meetings lately and was only going 1-2 times a week before that. But I am seeing a therapist weekly, have church on Tuesday nights and I was doing a CoDA support group on Thursday nights too. Sadly, that class has ended so maybe its time to get back to meetings.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
When we sign on with a recovering addict, we sign on for relapse.
Whatever decisions you make going forward are not right or wrong.
You are working your recovery , it is so evident in all of your posts.
You are a loving, compassionate, smart , wonderful person.
In the end you will do the best you can, and you will be fine.
You are in my thoughts , Katie
Whatever decisions you make going forward are not right or wrong.
You are working your recovery , it is so evident in all of your posts.
You are a loving, compassionate, smart , wonderful person.
In the end you will do the best you can, and you will be fine.
You are in my thoughts , Katie
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
We each have our path in life, I could not recover living with an addict, recovering or not.
Sitting in the first row watching and participating in the drama was too much for me.
Others, for whatever reason, decide to stay, for many it is driven by fear, fear of the unknown, women especially seem to have a fear of being alone and financially taking care of themselves.
Only you can decide what is best for you...today. Tomorrow... that all may change. I
would take one day at a time and see where that leads you.
IMO, there is no right or wrong when it comes to staying in a relationship, it is all a matter of choice, what can you live with, and will you be happy living that way. To me, that is the bottom line.
Sending support your way...Dolly
Sitting in the first row watching and participating in the drama was too much for me.
Others, for whatever reason, decide to stay, for many it is driven by fear, fear of the unknown, women especially seem to have a fear of being alone and financially taking care of themselves.
Only you can decide what is best for you...today. Tomorrow... that all may change. I
would take one day at a time and see where that leads you.
IMO, there is no right or wrong when it comes to staying in a relationship, it is all a matter of choice, what can you live with, and will you be happy living that way. To me, that is the bottom line.
Sending support your way...Dolly
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I like the old "don't tell me, show me" adage. Actions indeed speak louder than well intended words. Time and actions tell all.
You don't have to do anything today, LMN. Maybe have a plan in mind, keep your counseling and meetings going so you become stronger, and then let yourself be led.
He will remain sober or he will not. Nothing you do or don't do will change what happens to him....but what you do for your own recovery will serve you well all your life.
We're walking with you, these bunny slippers have hiked a long way and can hike some more.
Hugs
You don't have to do anything today, LMN. Maybe have a plan in mind, keep your counseling and meetings going so you become stronger, and then let yourself be led.
He will remain sober or he will not. Nothing you do or don't do will change what happens to him....but what you do for your own recovery will serve you well all your life.
We're walking with you, these bunny slippers have hiked a long way and can hike some more.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Anytown
Posts: 59
Sometimes it helps if you take addiction out of the equation and have an honest look at your relationship.
When I look at mine, it honestly was a roommate living arrangement. We had separate bedrooms and didn't sleep together. We didn't sit down at a table and eat together. He did his own laundry and I did mine. We didn't take vacations together. There was little physical contact. No hugs, no kissing, no sex. At least ten years ago, I separated my banking from his. All household bills were in my name and paid out of my bank account. He'd contribute, but there was a pattern of his money running out and then he'd take mine out of my purse to buy gas and cigarettes. There was a power struggle constantly in our conversations. He'd plan my day for me, which drove me nuts. So I stopped telling him my plans for the day. He'd be passed out on the couch all night, but would wake up and criticize me for spending time on my computer. He never told me his plans for the day and I never asked because he'd only lie about where he was going anyway.
For all intents and purposes, we were living separate lives but still living under the same roof.
Now factor in the addict behavior. DUI's, verbal and emotional abuse and that constant fear of what drama today was going to bring. What good was it for me to continue this relationship? What positive aspects was it bringing to my life? None. The illusion of financial support, maybe?
If I needed a roommate to help pay the bills, maybe I could at least find one that wouldn't steal my money out of my purse!
When I look at mine, it honestly was a roommate living arrangement. We had separate bedrooms and didn't sleep together. We didn't sit down at a table and eat together. He did his own laundry and I did mine. We didn't take vacations together. There was little physical contact. No hugs, no kissing, no sex. At least ten years ago, I separated my banking from his. All household bills were in my name and paid out of my bank account. He'd contribute, but there was a pattern of his money running out and then he'd take mine out of my purse to buy gas and cigarettes. There was a power struggle constantly in our conversations. He'd plan my day for me, which drove me nuts. So I stopped telling him my plans for the day. He'd be passed out on the couch all night, but would wake up and criticize me for spending time on my computer. He never told me his plans for the day and I never asked because he'd only lie about where he was going anyway.
For all intents and purposes, we were living separate lives but still living under the same roof.
Now factor in the addict behavior. DUI's, verbal and emotional abuse and that constant fear of what drama today was going to bring. What good was it for me to continue this relationship? What positive aspects was it bringing to my life? None. The illusion of financial support, maybe?
If I needed a roommate to help pay the bills, maybe I could at least find one that wouldn't steal my money out of my purse!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 167
LMN,
If your head is spinning, do nothing for the moment...not good to make life decisions when you're dizzy!
Sounds like you are working your program like your survival depends on it...and it does. I like to think of my (fledgling) recovery like a superhero's force field...it keeps me safe.
You really DON'T have to do anything today. More WILL be revealed.
You are such an inspiration to me...you are living your program, modeling your recovery, and though I wish this were not happening to you, you are showing us newbies how it's done.
If your head is spinning, do nothing for the moment...not good to make life decisions when you're dizzy!
Sounds like you are working your program like your survival depends on it...and it does. I like to think of my (fledgling) recovery like a superhero's force field...it keeps me safe.
You really DON'T have to do anything today. More WILL be revealed.
You are such an inspiration to me...you are living your program, modeling your recovery, and though I wish this were not happening to you, you are showing us newbies how it's done.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
There is no reason to know it all today. There is no reason to have the answers today. There is most definitely a learning experience in this for you. A bit of a hint in something that might help you. Go back and read your posts from day one here. See where you really let go and learned, see what you are still struggling with and if it is reoccurring. Our words tend to be a road map to who we are. I found the majority of what I needed to learn in my journal. That is where I gained the most clarity, because it was really obvious where I was struggling because I was repeating myself, getting pissed by the same things, being confused by the same things...
I do sense second guessing, still maybe to much of to stay to go. I struggled so much there. Is there any conviction anywhere on that front for you, not having anything to do with him? Some of the second guessing is normal. I do find it part of the learning process because the learning is cumulative. You learn one thing it prompts more things to learn.
Have you thought to just decide to stay? Instead of all these I will leave if he, switch to I will have to go when I, or if I start becoming someone I don‘t like…. Remove the damn addiction and let him work his process out and work on your own. Because it is so hard to make any decision for ourselves if we are constantly questioning what we are doing. Constantly wondering if we are right, maybe even looking at others choices and thinking we have to do what they did.
Realistically, do you think he should just be ok now? And if you do is that for him or to make your life easier? Is that to make it easier for you to make a decision?
Realistically is that fair to him? Hell would you want anyone in your circle to say, get over it, be done now … is that fair?
You also are going to have to find a way to live with him as he is in each moment without it causing you so much confusion and without it putting you back on the crazy train.. Again hinging to much on him, what he is or isn’t doing. And the worst part is you are doing this to yourself… have you asked yourself why?
I don’t find the wide berth healthy. I don’t find anger over another’s relapse healthy. I often wonder who one is really made at. You love him surely somewhere, I am not saying you need to jump in an ravage his body….although if you want to go for it, play time is so very important <vbeg>. But living in a home constraining how you feel is not a good way to live. Second guessing if you can or should show love is kinda icky…Only you know where your actions now in terms of how you are with him are healthy or yucky. Make any sense???? Oh and don’t forget to look at the motives behind your feelings.
I don’t treat anyone in or out of active addiction any different. But make no mistake there are people in my life that had to go, and addiction, or not had nothing to do with that. It was how they were treating me not how they were or weren’t taking care of themselves. I show love no matter what. I showed my husband love no matter his actions. I did the same with my son. I did it for me. I knew my husband loved me. I knew I was sick as he was. If we couldn’t find a way to be at least content with each other, and civil and be able to give the other time, whether we wanted to sit and be there or not… give each other the respect to listen …. then there was no way in hell in my head we should be together. I was not going to live in the same home with someone I had to avoid or give a wide berth too. Although we did give each other space. My husband had no idea what I was doing for me, just I as had no idea what he was really doing for him. But we each did notice the change in the other.
The change is obvious, it really is. You will be able to see it, as it shines just as bright as active addiction.
Be gentle with yourself.
I do sense second guessing, still maybe to much of to stay to go. I struggled so much there. Is there any conviction anywhere on that front for you, not having anything to do with him? Some of the second guessing is normal. I do find it part of the learning process because the learning is cumulative. You learn one thing it prompts more things to learn.
Have you thought to just decide to stay? Instead of all these I will leave if he, switch to I will have to go when I, or if I start becoming someone I don‘t like…. Remove the damn addiction and let him work his process out and work on your own. Because it is so hard to make any decision for ourselves if we are constantly questioning what we are doing. Constantly wondering if we are right, maybe even looking at others choices and thinking we have to do what they did.
Realistically, do you think he should just be ok now? And if you do is that for him or to make your life easier? Is that to make it easier for you to make a decision?
Realistically is that fair to him? Hell would you want anyone in your circle to say, get over it, be done now … is that fair?
You also are going to have to find a way to live with him as he is in each moment without it causing you so much confusion and without it putting you back on the crazy train.. Again hinging to much on him, what he is or isn’t doing. And the worst part is you are doing this to yourself… have you asked yourself why?
I don’t find the wide berth healthy. I don’t find anger over another’s relapse healthy. I often wonder who one is really made at. You love him surely somewhere, I am not saying you need to jump in an ravage his body….although if you want to go for it, play time is so very important <vbeg>. But living in a home constraining how you feel is not a good way to live. Second guessing if you can or should show love is kinda icky…Only you know where your actions now in terms of how you are with him are healthy or yucky. Make any sense???? Oh and don’t forget to look at the motives behind your feelings.
I don’t treat anyone in or out of active addiction any different. But make no mistake there are people in my life that had to go, and addiction, or not had nothing to do with that. It was how they were treating me not how they were or weren’t taking care of themselves. I show love no matter what. I showed my husband love no matter his actions. I did the same with my son. I did it for me. I knew my husband loved me. I knew I was sick as he was. If we couldn’t find a way to be at least content with each other, and civil and be able to give the other time, whether we wanted to sit and be there or not… give each other the respect to listen …. then there was no way in hell in my head we should be together. I was not going to live in the same home with someone I had to avoid or give a wide berth too. Although we did give each other space. My husband had no idea what I was doing for me, just I as had no idea what he was really doing for him. But we each did notice the change in the other.
The change is obvious, it really is. You will be able to see it, as it shines just as bright as active addiction.
Be gentle with yourself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
LMN, I agree that right now you don't have to do anything. Why not pray and ask HP for patience and listen for the inner voice. Also, plain and simple... Do you still love the man who is your husband? Is that man present in any way with you today? Aside from the relapse, has his behaivor been one that has indicated an individual you could not live with?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: SouthEast
Posts: 159
I also keep a journal and it is amazing to go back and read what we have written. It gives a lot of clarity to the situation. Have an exit plan.
I lost all respect for my EXAH, I knew I could never forget. When you get to the point of you can't take it anymore, you'll know.
(((huggs)))
I lost all respect for my EXAH, I knew I could never forget. When you get to the point of you can't take it anymore, you'll know.
(((huggs)))
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Inciting - thank you for taking the time to reply to me. The other night I did try to find my original posts but could only find the threads I made. Fortunately for me, there was a lot of them. lol
I know I keep getting hung up or stuck on the same things. I am trying to identify it but as of yet, I can't figure it out. I have been journaling a lot now and I still can't see what I need to.
You have given me a lot to think about and answer honestly for myself. Your words were not written in vain, I will continue to look for the answers. Sometimes, it so hard to see within yourself what is so obvious to others.
I know I keep getting hung up or stuck on the same things. I am trying to identify it but as of yet, I can't figure it out. I have been journaling a lot now and I still can't see what I need to.
You have given me a lot to think about and answer honestly for myself. Your words were not written in vain, I will continue to look for the answers. Sometimes, it so hard to see within yourself what is so obvious to others.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
LMN...
If you are going to stay....I think you might have to "get right" with yourself..in your own mind....about the relapses.
Perhaps a time limit. Shared with him.....or not shared with him.
And then just go with the flow.
If you don't know with 100% conviction that you are done and gone and out of there....
Then you aren't ready.
And that is a-okay.....
You are the star of the movie called "YOUR LIFE"
Act it out any way that is right for you.
If you are going to stay....I think you might have to "get right" with yourself..in your own mind....about the relapses.
Perhaps a time limit. Shared with him.....or not shared with him.
And then just go with the flow.
If you don't know with 100% conviction that you are done and gone and out of there....
Then you aren't ready.
And that is a-okay.....
You are the star of the movie called "YOUR LIFE"
Act it out any way that is right for you.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by Ilovemysonjj 
LMN, I agree that right now you don't have to do anything. Why not pray and ask HP for patience and listen for the inner voice. Also, plain and simple... Do you still love the man who is your husband? Is that man present in any way with you today? Aside from the relapse, has his behaivor been one that has indicated an individual you could not live with?
Here is how I feel!! I really love, like and enjoy my husband. Many people who truly know us, our life and situation have said "a lot has happened, but your marriage is worth keeping, I would try and save it as long as you both are working on yourselves and the marriage."
Then there are some who say when there is addiction, recovery or not, the relationship is over. It's a deal breaker!! It's like living with a rattle snake - its not about if you get bit, it is about when!
I am torn between the two and have been since the beginning.
There is an interesting thread on the F&F of Alcoholics side about "Would you marry a divorced alcoholic?" (the answers were pretty interesting. One RA said he would never marry another nonalcoholic and I totally understood why)
Sometimes I think a relationship or marriage should be similar to the concepts of AA or NA. Addicts helping other Addicts. Addicts understand other Addicts and would make for a healthier relationship. I also feel the same way about marriages with similar faiths.
Even as I read on SR, the relationships that work with a RA is with another RA. I have yet to read about one relationship that has worked with a codie or normie and a RA.
JMHO!! TWYW and LTR!!
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