Trying so hard to stay strong and focused
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Sevierville, Tennnessee
Posts: 9
Trying so hard to stay strong and focused
I haven't posted in a few days . . . so busy! It's "Duck Alignment" time! I have been reading plenty of posts that I can relate to. Everything I read just validates my feelings and actions. After all of these years of marriage to an A, I can say that I've finally had enough. I, too, have wavered so much through the years - leaving then returning when he promises he will quit. The "what ifs" were my biggest fear but you know what? ANYTHING is better than this life I'm living. I'm tired of being caretaker, cook, maid, single parent, etc., for a paycheck. He always placed too much emphasis on finances and "things". This was his "hold" on me; his control.
Now that it's clear to everyone that I've made a decision, he is constantly calling . . . one minute, he's kind and loving; the next, he's threatening and hateful. At times I feel like I'm going nuts! It would be so easy to throw in the towel, give up and give him yet another chance but this time is different. I don't have a choice when it concerns our nine year old, my sanity or my self-worth. Experience has taught me that nothing will change unless he desires it. "Marriage Counseling" was another ploy he used today and even emailed me a link to the services. Where has he been? I did that, ALONE, (his choice) for 10 months in 2012. When that didn't seem to work, he texted me to inform me not to use my debit card because he was closing all the accounts! I texted back "ok". (He didn't do it!) Wondering what's next . . .
I need everyone's prayers and support. Dealing with him is so difficult and I need to remain strong. At this point, I'm willing to give him everything!!!! The house, the cars, my inheritance (which is in his control) - I'm the one who has to leave my home anyway! He's bashing me to his family but somehow, I believe they know the truth. Please send prayers my way. I dread the weekend - may have to go into a hotel until everything gets settled which could take a while. I'm still looking for a place to rent and looking for employment. I'll flip burgers if I have to . . .
Now that it's clear to everyone that I've made a decision, he is constantly calling . . . one minute, he's kind and loving; the next, he's threatening and hateful. At times I feel like I'm going nuts! It would be so easy to throw in the towel, give up and give him yet another chance but this time is different. I don't have a choice when it concerns our nine year old, my sanity or my self-worth. Experience has taught me that nothing will change unless he desires it. "Marriage Counseling" was another ploy he used today and even emailed me a link to the services. Where has he been? I did that, ALONE, (his choice) for 10 months in 2012. When that didn't seem to work, he texted me to inform me not to use my debit card because he was closing all the accounts! I texted back "ok". (He didn't do it!) Wondering what's next . . .
I need everyone's prayers and support. Dealing with him is so difficult and I need to remain strong. At this point, I'm willing to give him everything!!!! The house, the cars, my inheritance (which is in his control) - I'm the one who has to leave my home anyway! He's bashing me to his family but somehow, I believe they know the truth. Please send prayers my way. I dread the weekend - may have to go into a hotel until everything gets settled which could take a while. I'm still looking for a place to rent and looking for employment. I'll flip burgers if I have to . . .
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Now that it's clear to everyone that I've made a decision, he is constantly calling . . . one minute, he's kind and loving; the next, he's threatening and hateful.
They cannot control us unless we let them, and I don't know about you, but I refuse to let anyone control me ever again.
Hope you can stay strong.
Hugs
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Hi Married33 - while I am happy to see you posting again and of course you can post anywhere you want, I have noticed you started out on the F&F of Alcoholics and this is the F&F Substance abuse. I just wanted to point this out in case it was done in error.
My prayers are with you. I have read all your posts and you seem so strong. Lean on God, we will get us through these storms.
There is a post I am going to bump for you so you can watch for the cycle of manipulation by addicts/alcoholics.
My prayers are with you. I have read all your posts and you seem so strong. Lean on God, we will get us through these storms.
There is a post I am going to bump for you so you can watch for the cycle of manipulation by addicts/alcoholics.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
This was posted by Lightseeker! It is amazingly accurate!!
STARVE THE VAMPIRE
by Sandra Brown, MA
People with pathological behavior are energy and emotional vampires. They live off of your emotional content. Part of their personality deficit is the lack of a stable and consistent inner core of a self-concept so they need constant attention, distraction, and identity management from which they draw their identity.
Lots of their identity is acquired from their relationships since internally there is so little core self to draw from. This is part of the reason they are so exhausting. In order to get their emotional 'blood supply' from you, they 'hook you' into conversations or arguments or any kind of response they can get from you. They live vicariously thru your own emotional expressions of love, frustration, confusion, etc. It doesn't always matter 'what' emotion is fed to the vampire (although narcissists like adoration) but just that there is SOME content is enough for them--even your tears, or your screams, or your insults. It doesn't matter...they just 'need' something, anything from you in the way of content. If they don’t' get the blood supply/emotional content from you, they will seek elsewhere. (Remember Dracula? He just moved from town to town taking it where he could get it?)
So when you try to break up, he will continue to contact you which is why they are hard to break up with. They are predictable in their approaches to get you to respond to them (you are feeding the vampire his emotional blood supply every time you talk to him). These are some of his approaches and if you can get a bag of popcorn and just watch it like it was a LifeTime for Women movie and detach from it, you will see a whole movie pan out like this:
* One contact he's angry, blaming, shaming
When you don't respond to that verbally or emotionally (think like you are lobotomized with no facial expression...
* Then one contact will be sweet, loving, buy you things
When you don't respond
* He will promise to do what you've asked for years..go to counseling, church, take meds, be nice, go to anger management, stop using drugs/alcohol.
When you don't respond
* He will get angry again--say you aren't working on the relationship which is why it's going to fail
When you don't respond
* He will quit calling for a while to make it look like he's moved on (They are boomerangs, they ALWAYS come back a few times.)
When you don’t' respond
* He will indicate he found someone else or had sex with someone else
When you don't respond
* He becomes 'sick' -- he doesn't know what this mysterious illness is, or he has prostate cancer, MS, some other lethal disease
When you don't respond
* He will just go back to drinking/drugging/dealing/driving too fast/etc.
When you don't respond
* He will kill himself, leave the area, never see you again
When you don't respond
* He will threaten to take the kids, drag your a*ss thru court, threaten to harm you
When you don't respond
* He will tell you he's dating someone you hate or his previous girlfriend/wife
When you don't respond
* It will come full circle and will begin again, at the top of this list.
I know that we all think that our experiences are unique. But pathology is all the same--these people aren't very creative and don't deviate much from the strict internal structure that is associated with pathology. Once you are able to understand this, you can predict his sad/silly/stupid reactions to a break up.
Since they live off of your emotion and NEED it, the sooner you starve him out by having no contact and if you have to because of your kids, no words exchanged and no emotional content on your face, the vampire will flee to the next available source to be fed.
When someone doesn’t disconnect once they understand the feeding and maintenance of someone with pathological behavior, they are staying because THEY wants to remain.
The ball is then in your court to figure out where you are still hung up so you can disconnect. This is not a judgment about people not being able to leave. It is a POINTER to a place where the dis-engagment has hit a snag. Simply notice where the snag IS so that something can be done.
__________________
STARVE THE VAMPIRE
by Sandra Brown, MA
People with pathological behavior are energy and emotional vampires. They live off of your emotional content. Part of their personality deficit is the lack of a stable and consistent inner core of a self-concept so they need constant attention, distraction, and identity management from which they draw their identity.
Lots of their identity is acquired from their relationships since internally there is so little core self to draw from. This is part of the reason they are so exhausting. In order to get their emotional 'blood supply' from you, they 'hook you' into conversations or arguments or any kind of response they can get from you. They live vicariously thru your own emotional expressions of love, frustration, confusion, etc. It doesn't always matter 'what' emotion is fed to the vampire (although narcissists like adoration) but just that there is SOME content is enough for them--even your tears, or your screams, or your insults. It doesn't matter...they just 'need' something, anything from you in the way of content. If they don’t' get the blood supply/emotional content from you, they will seek elsewhere. (Remember Dracula? He just moved from town to town taking it where he could get it?)
So when you try to break up, he will continue to contact you which is why they are hard to break up with. They are predictable in their approaches to get you to respond to them (you are feeding the vampire his emotional blood supply every time you talk to him). These are some of his approaches and if you can get a bag of popcorn and just watch it like it was a LifeTime for Women movie and detach from it, you will see a whole movie pan out like this:
* One contact he's angry, blaming, shaming
When you don't respond to that verbally or emotionally (think like you are lobotomized with no facial expression...
* Then one contact will be sweet, loving, buy you things
When you don't respond
* He will promise to do what you've asked for years..go to counseling, church, take meds, be nice, go to anger management, stop using drugs/alcohol.
When you don't respond
* He will get angry again--say you aren't working on the relationship which is why it's going to fail
When you don't respond
* He will quit calling for a while to make it look like he's moved on (They are boomerangs, they ALWAYS come back a few times.)
When you don’t' respond
* He will indicate he found someone else or had sex with someone else
When you don't respond
* He becomes 'sick' -- he doesn't know what this mysterious illness is, or he has prostate cancer, MS, some other lethal disease
When you don't respond
* He will just go back to drinking/drugging/dealing/driving too fast/etc.
When you don't respond
* He will kill himself, leave the area, never see you again
When you don't respond
* He will threaten to take the kids, drag your a*ss thru court, threaten to harm you
When you don't respond
* He will tell you he's dating someone you hate or his previous girlfriend/wife
When you don't respond
* It will come full circle and will begin again, at the top of this list.
I know that we all think that our experiences are unique. But pathology is all the same--these people aren't very creative and don't deviate much from the strict internal structure that is associated with pathology. Once you are able to understand this, you can predict his sad/silly/stupid reactions to a break up.
Since they live off of your emotion and NEED it, the sooner you starve him out by having no contact and if you have to because of your kids, no words exchanged and no emotional content on your face, the vampire will flee to the next available source to be fed.
When someone doesn’t disconnect once they understand the feeding and maintenance of someone with pathological behavior, they are staying because THEY wants to remain.
The ball is then in your court to figure out where you are still hung up so you can disconnect. This is not a judgment about people not being able to leave. It is a POINTER to a place where the dis-engagment has hit a snag. Simply notice where the snag IS so that something can be done.
__________________
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Sevierville, Tennnessee
Posts: 9
I guess that's why the "detachment" that I feel (didn't plan to do it - it just happened over time) is making it so easy for me to continue to pack, "align those ducks", make my plans, etc. I expect this manipulation and I've learned not to take anything he says seriously because it changes from day to day anyway. He's not calling the shots and he's not in control of me anymore so why should I bother? He's shocked that I have opinions and feelings! (So am I but I feel better voicing them and being true to myself!) The cycle is one I've ridden many, many times. It does repeat itself. The reruns are getting tiring and boring and unless he admits he's powerless, seeks professional help, joins A A and goes to counseling, I'm not looking back. And you know what? Even if, by some miraculous intervention, he does, still not sure if I could ever trust him again. Life's too short. Thank you for the info. It was very helpful!
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