My A bf is sick of me--boo hoo
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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My A bf is sick of me--boo hoo
This last weekend did not go too well. On Saturday he worked and then after work he proceeded to get drunk at the bar and then at home and then pass out. I had to work all day Sunday and then go and get my kids from their dad's house. From there I planned on taking them home, but I stopped at home after work (before I went to get my kids) and my bf was here with one of his drinking buddies and his 14 year-old son. My bf and his friend were very drunk and his friend was trying to call me at work so I could go get them more beer and cigs before I came home. His son was in the process of destroying anything in his way because it wasn't his, so he doesn't care what gets broken. I didn't say anything because I knew I wouldn't be able to stay calm, so I just packed some stuff for the kids and me and we spent the night at my mom's house. This is the first time that I have spent the night away from him with me leaving instead of him leaving because he was mad.
Anyway, last night I had a major codie relapse. It didn't help that I have depression and thought, until last night when I wanted to scratch his eyes out, that I was getting along ok without my "happy pills". When he got home from the bar I was upset because he was suck a jerk over the weekend and then he apologized Monday morning before he went to work, but still had to spend his couple of hours at the bar after work before he could come home. We got into an arguement and I asked if he had any feelings left for me and he said "It's kind of hard to have any feelings for you when all you want to do is argue every night when I get home from work." I told him that I did not argue with him every night because most nights I have been in bed. And when I'm not in bed I don't say anything most of the time except for "Hi. How was work?" He insisted he could see it on my face though that I wanted to argue with him.
Now, I have been trying really really hard to detach from him and I DON'T want to argue every night. And most nights I don't start any arguements. I guess I'm not supposed to say anything to him. I think it's just him feeling guilty. He told me that if I wanted to I could leave. He wasn't kicking me out, he said he would never do that, but he wasn't keeping me here either and he told me he wasn't happy with me anymore. So I got the message loud and clear. I'm not financially able to move out right now, but I will be working really hard on that. Until I can get out, I'll just make the kids playroom my living room when he gets home so he doesn't have to see the arguement on my face...whatever that means.
I'm not going out of my way to make him happy anymore and I think that upsets him. I don't jump up and run to the door and fetch him a beer like I used to do. I might as well have been a puppy back then. I told him one time that I felt like his puppy because he only comes home when he wants to and then expects me to be sooo happy that he's here. He didn't like that either.
He doesn't like much of what I say lately. He doesn't like it when I'm at peace with everything and he doesn't like it when we're argueing. I think the only thing that makes him happy is watching me going in every direction except for the path to sanity just to make him happy and I'm done with that. Just can't do it anymore. It was making me crazy.
So anyway, I will figure out a way to get out and until then I will just take care of myself and my kids and stay out of his way. The funny thing is that I'm not falling apart and that is amazing. I have my happy pills and I know that has a very small part to do with me following the yellow brick road to sanity, but it's mostly the support I have gotten on these boards. I can never thank the people on these boards enough for supporting me. It has done wonders for my self-esteem and for understanding and trying to change my codependent ways.
:skiptrip:
Anyway, last night I had a major codie relapse. It didn't help that I have depression and thought, until last night when I wanted to scratch his eyes out, that I was getting along ok without my "happy pills". When he got home from the bar I was upset because he was suck a jerk over the weekend and then he apologized Monday morning before he went to work, but still had to spend his couple of hours at the bar after work before he could come home. We got into an arguement and I asked if he had any feelings left for me and he said "It's kind of hard to have any feelings for you when all you want to do is argue every night when I get home from work." I told him that I did not argue with him every night because most nights I have been in bed. And when I'm not in bed I don't say anything most of the time except for "Hi. How was work?" He insisted he could see it on my face though that I wanted to argue with him.
Now, I have been trying really really hard to detach from him and I DON'T want to argue every night. And most nights I don't start any arguements. I guess I'm not supposed to say anything to him. I think it's just him feeling guilty. He told me that if I wanted to I could leave. He wasn't kicking me out, he said he would never do that, but he wasn't keeping me here either and he told me he wasn't happy with me anymore. So I got the message loud and clear. I'm not financially able to move out right now, but I will be working really hard on that. Until I can get out, I'll just make the kids playroom my living room when he gets home so he doesn't have to see the arguement on my face...whatever that means.
I'm not going out of my way to make him happy anymore and I think that upsets him. I don't jump up and run to the door and fetch him a beer like I used to do. I might as well have been a puppy back then. I told him one time that I felt like his puppy because he only comes home when he wants to and then expects me to be sooo happy that he's here. He didn't like that either.
He doesn't like much of what I say lately. He doesn't like it when I'm at peace with everything and he doesn't like it when we're argueing. I think the only thing that makes him happy is watching me going in every direction except for the path to sanity just to make him happy and I'm done with that. Just can't do it anymore. It was making me crazy.
So anyway, I will figure out a way to get out and until then I will just take care of myself and my kids and stay out of his way. The funny thing is that I'm not falling apart and that is amazing. I have my happy pills and I know that has a very small part to do with me following the yellow brick road to sanity, but it's mostly the support I have gotten on these boards. I can never thank the people on these boards enough for supporting me. It has done wonders for my self-esteem and for understanding and trying to change my codependent ways.
:skiptrip:
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Helping,
Reading your post made it obvious to me the great progress you have made.
That is a smile.
Keep up the good work.
The love and support here makes miracles happen every day.
And for that, I am truly grateful.
Peace,
Gabe
Reading your post made it obvious to me the great progress you have made.
That is a smile.
Keep up the good work.
The love and support here makes miracles happen every day.
And for that, I am truly grateful.
Peace,
Gabe
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
Re: My A bf is sick of me--boo hoo
wow... now that letter sounds like a woman who has set some boundaries... is working her program.. and is confident about a happier future than the certain patterns of the past.
i wish you peace, joy and happiness
i wish you peace, joy and happiness
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
Re: My A bf is sick of me--boo hoo
Good morning, HM!
I'll be praying for you and I hope you can find a way out. I am trying to find a good job so I can move on too. It doesn't make for much of a life when you have to watch every move you make and NOTHING is right. Just keep your mouth shut! Keep the house clean! Keep a smile on your face! And let them do whatever they damn well please. Nothing is right and nothing is enough. As my friends on here have reminded me....that is their way of making you doubt yourself and think that "Maybe I am a wicked wench and he is entitled to go to the bars. Who would want to be around me?" Oh the seeds they plant in our minds. I am sure that you are a great wife and mother, but he would never want you to believe that. IMO, he wants you to keep your mouth shut so that he doesn't have to feel any more guilt. It reminds me of the movie, "The Stepford Wives". Rent it some time and you'll see what I mean.
I'm going to quote you a few lines from a book that I have titled "Getting Them Sober".
"No one 'has' an alcoholic. The illness has him. Unless he gets truly well, you're living in an illusion to believe that you can come first before the disease. NO ONE is that powerful that they can come first before the needs of an addiction.
That's the crux of the matter. You only think about him so much because you want him to place you first too. If you believed, really believed that you will never come first to him as long as he stays sick, then you would probably give up trying. Please understand that this is not personal on his part. The nature of alcoholism demands that the alcoholic place his family last--after alcohol and all its demands. Believe this. It's reality. It's hard to hear, but if you choose not to, then you can beat your head against that brick wall for the next twenty years."
Wow! I needed to hear that myself.
I hope that you have a good day, HM!
God bless you!
Grace
I'll be praying for you and I hope you can find a way out. I am trying to find a good job so I can move on too. It doesn't make for much of a life when you have to watch every move you make and NOTHING is right. Just keep your mouth shut! Keep the house clean! Keep a smile on your face! And let them do whatever they damn well please. Nothing is right and nothing is enough. As my friends on here have reminded me....that is their way of making you doubt yourself and think that "Maybe I am a wicked wench and he is entitled to go to the bars. Who would want to be around me?" Oh the seeds they plant in our minds. I am sure that you are a great wife and mother, but he would never want you to believe that. IMO, he wants you to keep your mouth shut so that he doesn't have to feel any more guilt. It reminds me of the movie, "The Stepford Wives". Rent it some time and you'll see what I mean.
I'm going to quote you a few lines from a book that I have titled "Getting Them Sober".
"No one 'has' an alcoholic. The illness has him. Unless he gets truly well, you're living in an illusion to believe that you can come first before the disease. NO ONE is that powerful that they can come first before the needs of an addiction.
That's the crux of the matter. You only think about him so much because you want him to place you first too. If you believed, really believed that you will never come first to him as long as he stays sick, then you would probably give up trying. Please understand that this is not personal on his part. The nature of alcoholism demands that the alcoholic place his family last--after alcohol and all its demands. Believe this. It's reality. It's hard to hear, but if you choose not to, then you can beat your head against that brick wall for the next twenty years."
Wow! I needed to hear that myself.
I hope that you have a good day, HM!
God bless you!
Grace
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Re: My A bf is sick of me--boo hoo
I agree with grace totally, I have tried everything to please my ah for 10 years nothing worked. I was still considered the "bad" guy. finally one day i thought about how this is affecting my 18 month old. did i want her to live a life of alcoholism. seeing her father come home drunk and us argueing. when i felt anger, hurt...she felt it too. I didn't want to her to grow up insecure like i was, from living with alcoholism. so i went to an alanon meeting. for me i left my ah. from that day on i changed my life with the program, and things have gotten easier and i have serenity. god that feels so good. i thought i could never live without him. when i turn my will over to my higher power, he will take care of me. and believe me he has. i still talk with my ah because i want to show my daughter that you can still love someone who is sick. she sees him every weekend. i just didn't want her to wake up one day and see him coming in drunk at 7 in the morning, over and over, like i seen him for many years. now we live just me and her and in a happy, quiet, healthy environment. this is serenity. i am not rich financially but my higher power gives me enough money to make. i was scared financially at first too. but amazingly my ah gives me money every weekend. when we were together he never gave me anything, beer and partying came first. it seems like when you are nice to them they will **** on you, when you are mean and detach from them they treat you like gold. start working on yourself and let go and let god. find alanon. it works. good luck
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Re: My A bf is sick of me--boo hoo
Wow!! You are on the right track!! It sounds like you are getting healthier!!!Way to go- you're putting YOU and your kids first and that is just awesome!!
I too have found so much strength from this forum and the naranon forum. Thank God that I stumbled across it when I needed it the most- I can't imagine where I'd be without everyone here!!!
-sfg29
I too have found so much strength from this forum and the naranon forum. Thank God that I stumbled across it when I needed it the most- I can't imagine where I'd be without everyone here!!!
-sfg29
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Re: My A bf is sick of me--boo hoo
Thank you all so much for your support! There is no way I would be ok with leaving if you weren't here to listen and support me. I would be in my craziness and falling apart.
Grace--the quote that you posted reminded me of an article I read about alcoholism. I distinctly remember being very sad one morning while my A bf was drinking in the living room and I looked up alcoholism on the net. It basically said the same thing...that nobody would ever come before the beer and family would always be last. I cried and cried and thought "No...he said he would spend time with me today and he will. He won't spend all day at the bar." Well, he left that morning to go get his son and didn't come home until that afternoon and he could hardly walk. I knew then that it was true and it was time to find help for myself. So here I am.
I agree with you journey. I don't want my kids seeing him drunk every weekend or waking up and opening a beer for breakfast. My bf is not their father, but they are with us most of the time so they do see it. Ya know, if I was with somebody who was physically or emotionally abusive to them I would leave in a heartbeat. I hated growing up with alcohoic parents, so I don't know why I thought my kids would be ok around it. I certainly do plan on moving on. I'm saving my money and I believe God will show me the way.
I just got an invitation yesterday for a free seminar at my church called "How to Build Relationships." I called right away and signed up for it. God sure does work in mysterious ways and He knows what we need when we need it. It just goes to show that when we "let go and let God" life somehow works out.
So, again, thank you all for your support. I can never tell you how much you all have helped me!
:throb
Grace--the quote that you posted reminded me of an article I read about alcoholism. I distinctly remember being very sad one morning while my A bf was drinking in the living room and I looked up alcoholism on the net. It basically said the same thing...that nobody would ever come before the beer and family would always be last. I cried and cried and thought "No...he said he would spend time with me today and he will. He won't spend all day at the bar." Well, he left that morning to go get his son and didn't come home until that afternoon and he could hardly walk. I knew then that it was true and it was time to find help for myself. So here I am.
I agree with you journey. I don't want my kids seeing him drunk every weekend or waking up and opening a beer for breakfast. My bf is not their father, but they are with us most of the time so they do see it. Ya know, if I was with somebody who was physically or emotionally abusive to them I would leave in a heartbeat. I hated growing up with alcohoic parents, so I don't know why I thought my kids would be ok around it. I certainly do plan on moving on. I'm saving my money and I believe God will show me the way.
I just got an invitation yesterday for a free seminar at my church called "How to Build Relationships." I called right away and signed up for it. God sure does work in mysterious ways and He knows what we need when we need it. It just goes to show that when we "let go and let God" life somehow works out.
So, again, thank you all for your support. I can never tell you how much you all have helped me!
:throb
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Re: My A bf is sick of me--boo hoo
The puppy thing is funny - it reminds me of something that I often tell my A - that he treats me like I am a dog, and no matter what he does I am still here wagging my tail and waiting for him to pet me. Pathetic, I know, but this is how I feel sometimes. You could beat a dog, yell at a dog, leave a dog in the middle of the desert, and it would still love you as long as you paid it a little attention. (I do not, by the way, beat my dog! 
)
I am sorry that you are going through this as well, we are all in the same boat! I don't have any good advice, just know that we are all here for you!!!
)I am sorry that you are going through this as well, we are all in the same boat! I don't have any good advice, just know that we are all here for you!!!
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Re: My A bf is sick of me--boo hoo
...leave a dog in the middle of the desert...
No you can't, lol...my daughter will bring him home. Just like she did today. Oi vey!
HM, as I have learned, you are worth so much more than what your A is dishing out to you. I know it's tough to make the move and only you can decide the pros and cons.
Hugs and prayers to guide you to your path.
No you can't, lol...my daughter will bring him home. Just like she did today. Oi vey!
HM, as I have learned, you are worth so much more than what your A is dishing out to you. I know it's tough to make the move and only you can decide the pros and cons.
Hugs and prayers to guide you to your path.
IT'S ALL ABOUT ME
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Re: My A bf is sick of me--boo hoo
Wow Grace: have you been at my house? sounds like me. HM remember your name is not matt, just keep up the good work on you, and those boundaries. Hugs
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Re: My A bf is sick of me--boo hoo
Thanks you guys! My kids haven't brought home any stray puppies yet and I don't want them to start thinking I'm a puppy, so I am still working on getting out. I think it's the best thing to do.
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