Is today the first day of the rest of my life?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Virginia
Posts: 47
Is today the first day of the rest of my life?
It's the unknown that bothers me so much. I know that nothing is certain in life. Everything can change in a moment. I do understand that. It is very hard to accept what is happening. You can read my other posts for a history. My 17 sober RAH is getting an apartment today. His mom is flying in to help. He went to a detox/rehab for 3 days followed by a day program that he is still in. He has been staying at a hotel (paid for by his parents). We have been married for 16 years and have 2 kids, age 7 and 10. He has always drank but it has been progressing over the past 5 years. The 2 month prior to detox were spent with him drunk every day and telling me he wanted a divorce/didn't love me, etc.
I had contacted his parents several times over the past 5 years to "complain" about his drinking. Sober, he was the best husband and father around. Unfortunately, I was not a good wife. Through my reading, I see that I am the epitome of a codependent and also an enabler. I know the changes I need to make and I am trying really hard to make them, in spite of what is going on right now. Anyhow, his parents advice to me over the years has been "tough love" (kick him out or take the kids and leave, take care of yourself, etc). All good advice that I didn't follow. It felt like I would be abandoning him. Finally, his mom stopped talking to me. She said we needed to divorce and be done with it and move on. She maintained this stance throughout the past year. Fast forward to now. His parents came to visit the day after he left detox and he stayed with them. Soberly, he told me that he didn't think he loved me anymore and didn't want to be married to me. He said he wanted time to heal and take care of himself. Said he was going to get an apartment short term and would decide in a few months if he wanted to work on our marriage. Everyone on here has given me the advice to let him go and see what happens. Easier said then done. I can't stop crying. He is getting a great new apartment and will not have the daily responsibility of the kids or worries about paying bills or any other regular "stuff". Last night he came by to see the kids and if course I immediately burst into years and was questioning him. How long was he moving for? When would he be back? Are we getting a divorce? Of course this made him mad. E said he didn't know if he wanted a divorce, didn't know when he would be back, etc. said he just needed time. I flipped out and called his mom, hoping to get more information. She said: you guys need to get a divorce and this needs to be done and over with. Now, he is almost 40 years old and we capable of making his own decisions, but he is not very stable right now and I know it's easy to listen to his mom say this is what you need to do. I guess I just want answers. Is the move permanent? I asked I he wanted me to pack up some kitchen stuff and he said no he would buy some-why buy some if you are movin back in 2 months? He said we needed to cancel our YMCA membership and the kids said "Awww, where will we swim in the summer" and he said, my apartment has a nice pool...so obviously he is planning on bein gone longer than 2 months. Why can't he just tell me his plans? I'm in al-anon, I'm reading literature and books. I know I will be ok, but I feel like I can't start the healing process if he won't tell me what is goin on. I asked him last night if I needed to look into sellin the house and he was like don't be ridiculous....but I know I can't afford it on my own, even though he is going to give me money too. I asked if this was a "legal separation" and he said no...but when his mom gets here today, who knows what will happen.
As you can see from my post, I'm long winded. I send him long texts and emails trying to communicate my thoughts and feelings, but he just says that I am being controlling and manipulative. Yes, you guys have given me advice on here. I know I'm supposed to step back and let things happen. However, I can't stop crying and feelin sorry for myself. It's all I can do to get out of bed in the morning. I'm trying to turn it all over to God, but I'm not doing a very good job. Advice?
I had contacted his parents several times over the past 5 years to "complain" about his drinking. Sober, he was the best husband and father around. Unfortunately, I was not a good wife. Through my reading, I see that I am the epitome of a codependent and also an enabler. I know the changes I need to make and I am trying really hard to make them, in spite of what is going on right now. Anyhow, his parents advice to me over the years has been "tough love" (kick him out or take the kids and leave, take care of yourself, etc). All good advice that I didn't follow. It felt like I would be abandoning him. Finally, his mom stopped talking to me. She said we needed to divorce and be done with it and move on. She maintained this stance throughout the past year. Fast forward to now. His parents came to visit the day after he left detox and he stayed with them. Soberly, he told me that he didn't think he loved me anymore and didn't want to be married to me. He said he wanted time to heal and take care of himself. Said he was going to get an apartment short term and would decide in a few months if he wanted to work on our marriage. Everyone on here has given me the advice to let him go and see what happens. Easier said then done. I can't stop crying. He is getting a great new apartment and will not have the daily responsibility of the kids or worries about paying bills or any other regular "stuff". Last night he came by to see the kids and if course I immediately burst into years and was questioning him. How long was he moving for? When would he be back? Are we getting a divorce? Of course this made him mad. E said he didn't know if he wanted a divorce, didn't know when he would be back, etc. said he just needed time. I flipped out and called his mom, hoping to get more information. She said: you guys need to get a divorce and this needs to be done and over with. Now, he is almost 40 years old and we capable of making his own decisions, but he is not very stable right now and I know it's easy to listen to his mom say this is what you need to do. I guess I just want answers. Is the move permanent? I asked I he wanted me to pack up some kitchen stuff and he said no he would buy some-why buy some if you are movin back in 2 months? He said we needed to cancel our YMCA membership and the kids said "Awww, where will we swim in the summer" and he said, my apartment has a nice pool...so obviously he is planning on bein gone longer than 2 months. Why can't he just tell me his plans? I'm in al-anon, I'm reading literature and books. I know I will be ok, but I feel like I can't start the healing process if he won't tell me what is goin on. I asked him last night if I needed to look into sellin the house and he was like don't be ridiculous....but I know I can't afford it on my own, even though he is going to give me money too. I asked if this was a "legal separation" and he said no...but when his mom gets here today, who knows what will happen.
As you can see from my post, I'm long winded. I send him long texts and emails trying to communicate my thoughts and feelings, but he just says that I am being controlling and manipulative. Yes, you guys have given me advice on here. I know I'm supposed to step back and let things happen. However, I can't stop crying and feelin sorry for myself. It's all I can do to get out of bed in the morning. I'm trying to turn it all over to God, but I'm not doing a very good job. Advice?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Ok - you are going through it - so sorry for what's happening to you.
There is no more difficult feeling IMO than the feeling of not having control over our future. Having no idea what is going to happen. Looking from the inside out - you don't want a divorce, that's what I clearly see. Therefore, you feel that RAH has all the control as you have allowed him to make the decision as to whether or not you stay married. That's your fault for giving it to him.
It seems that he has been straightforward with you - he needs time to decide. I think if he had decided he wants a divorce then he would tell you and that is not to say in the end that he won't, he may. Perhaps he does know and doesn't have the balls to tell you - I just don't know - it seems you have opened the door for the discussion many times and he would have taken the opportunity to let you know by now if he knew.
What I do know is that it is your decision whether or not this situation works for you. If your only solution is that he moves back in or tells you NOW whether or not you will stay married then you are asking for it. Eventually if you keep pushing him to ANSWER you he's gonna as you will give him no choice.
You ARE separated - so why don't you take some of your power back and operate as if in a true legal separation. Make a schedule for care of the children which will include overnights and weekends with Dad as well picking them up at school or whatever your kids needs are. Get the $$ situation taken care of - decide on a monthly amount which he will write a check to you don't let him keep control of your finances or be privy to what you spend your $$ on. Personally I would proceed as if we were divorcing pulling all financial records now and being prepared for what may come.
Finally, perhaps you should leave his mother out of this equation. She is begging you to - it doesn't mean she doesn't care about you but he is her son - whose side do you think she is going to be on, yours? She keeps repeatedly telling you to get a divorce and end the madness perhaps she sees what you don't or maybe she is just sick of being put in the middle. She is not your ally she is his remember that.
Keep working your steps and stay with Al ANon - sometimes when I have felt despondent and had that same "can't get out of bed" feeling I had to MAKE myself. The nights were the worst for me I would find myself sleepless so I started redecorating my house painting at 3 am. An idle mind is the devil's playground - find something to keep yourself busy be it the gym or a hobby or something.
You will survive this - take your power back!
There is no more difficult feeling IMO than the feeling of not having control over our future. Having no idea what is going to happen. Looking from the inside out - you don't want a divorce, that's what I clearly see. Therefore, you feel that RAH has all the control as you have allowed him to make the decision as to whether or not you stay married. That's your fault for giving it to him.
It seems that he has been straightforward with you - he needs time to decide. I think if he had decided he wants a divorce then he would tell you and that is not to say in the end that he won't, he may. Perhaps he does know and doesn't have the balls to tell you - I just don't know - it seems you have opened the door for the discussion many times and he would have taken the opportunity to let you know by now if he knew.
What I do know is that it is your decision whether or not this situation works for you. If your only solution is that he moves back in or tells you NOW whether or not you will stay married then you are asking for it. Eventually if you keep pushing him to ANSWER you he's gonna as you will give him no choice.
You ARE separated - so why don't you take some of your power back and operate as if in a true legal separation. Make a schedule for care of the children which will include overnights and weekends with Dad as well picking them up at school or whatever your kids needs are. Get the $$ situation taken care of - decide on a monthly amount which he will write a check to you don't let him keep control of your finances or be privy to what you spend your $$ on. Personally I would proceed as if we were divorcing pulling all financial records now and being prepared for what may come.
Finally, perhaps you should leave his mother out of this equation. She is begging you to - it doesn't mean she doesn't care about you but he is her son - whose side do you think she is going to be on, yours? She keeps repeatedly telling you to get a divorce and end the madness perhaps she sees what you don't or maybe she is just sick of being put in the middle. She is not your ally she is his remember that.
Keep working your steps and stay with Al ANon - sometimes when I have felt despondent and had that same "can't get out of bed" feeling I had to MAKE myself. The nights were the worst for me I would find myself sleepless so I started redecorating my house painting at 3 am. An idle mind is the devil's playground - find something to keep yourself busy be it the gym or a hobby or something.
You will survive this - take your power back!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I haven't been on here very long, but have read several of your posts. Do you have a counselor? Do you have a sponsor in AlAnon, are you actually working the steps? You are putting alot of energy into spinning about all this stuff, energy that could be used to start healing.
Here's my best advice (and I am NO expert). Sounds like your husband is trying. If part of his recovery and figuring out what he wants to do moving forward is to spend some time physically apart, then that's what he needs to do. The crying, long texts/emails, questioning is only going to keep him away IMO. You said "All good advice that I didn't follow". Well, it's not too late. You keep hearing the same things, and while you may be attending meetings and reading, you're not actually changing your behavior. You can't do anything about your husband's choices, but you can choose your behavior and responses to him.
I personally think if you don't respect his request for some space right now, you run a very high risk of losing him all together. If he's serious about his sobriety and getting it right, do you really want to risk that? Only you can answer that. You need to work on your co-dedependency issues, spend this time focusing on you and let your husband work on him. 6 months from now you may be grateful you let go and stopped spinning.
Here's my best advice (and I am NO expert). Sounds like your husband is trying. If part of his recovery and figuring out what he wants to do moving forward is to spend some time physically apart, then that's what he needs to do. The crying, long texts/emails, questioning is only going to keep him away IMO. You said "All good advice that I didn't follow". Well, it's not too late. You keep hearing the same things, and while you may be attending meetings and reading, you're not actually changing your behavior. You can't do anything about your husband's choices, but you can choose your behavior and responses to him.
I personally think if you don't respect his request for some space right now, you run a very high risk of losing him all together. If he's serious about his sobriety and getting it right, do you really want to risk that? Only you can answer that. You need to work on your co-dedependency issues, spend this time focusing on you and let your husband work on him. 6 months from now you may be grateful you let go and stopped spinning.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Sometimes, marriages just run their course, addiction or no addiction. Yours may have done so, I don't know, time will tell.
In the meantime, are you working or considering to do so? Even a part time job would be both an emotional as well as financial help. We all need to be able to take care of ourselves, to be strong and independent.
Therapy might be of help to you, have you considered it? Crying and begging is not going to change a thing, infact, it may make things worse, being overly needy is counter productive and to many gets very tiring to deal with. That is very well what might have happened with his parents, they just got tired of listening to it.
Take the bull by the horns, try and get yourself together, if not for you, for your children. They learn by example, set a good example for them, they will carry their childhood into adulthood. What is the message that you are sending them?
I know that you are in pain, however, life goes on, sometimes we just need to roll with it.
Hope you start to feel better.
In the meantime, are you working or considering to do so? Even a part time job would be both an emotional as well as financial help. We all need to be able to take care of ourselves, to be strong and independent.
Therapy might be of help to you, have you considered it? Crying and begging is not going to change a thing, infact, it may make things worse, being overly needy is counter productive and to many gets very tiring to deal with. That is very well what might have happened with his parents, they just got tired of listening to it.
Take the bull by the horns, try and get yourself together, if not for you, for your children. They learn by example, set a good example for them, they will carry their childhood into adulthood. What is the message that you are sending them?
I know that you are in pain, however, life goes on, sometimes we just need to roll with it.
Hope you start to feel better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
Wow - your situation seems to be very similar to mine. My recovering (9 months "sober") girlfriend of 13 years and stepchildren moved out early November. She spent 40 days in rehab in March, followed by 3 months in a halfway house. We had a few chaotic months after she moved home (she was still acting like a drunk, I was still a controlling SOB), and then she moved out. A long-distance ex-BF muddied the water, but I believe that was a temporary "fix" instead of her using alcohol to run from her issues. Then again, I may be in denial.
Yesterday she came by to pick up more belongings, and we had the same circular conversations that we have been having for 2 months. I push for answers, trying to gain an understanding of the future. Are we going to try to work things out? When can we start counseling? When can we see each other again? Basically PRESSURE.
This is not well received. I am starting to believe that while "healthy" individuals can cope with this type of pressure, my alcoholic cannot. She either drinks, recoils, or runs. All I get is indecision and tears. The best answers I get are "I need to take care of myself. I do not even know what tomorrow will bring. I hope that we can get to a point that I can let go of my resentments of your crazy codependent behavior, and you can truly forgive and love me unconditionally in light of all I have done. I can't envision a future without you. But with all of this pressure, I haven't even been able to miss you -you are always there."
For me, this is madening. I want to put a plan in place TODAY. I am very type-A, goal oriented, and need things done NOW. I like to win, and act like a child when I don't get my way.
So how am I handling it? Not well. I move from resentment, to anger, to sadness, to reflection, to lethargy, multiple times per day. I cry (real men do that you know - we just don't eat quiche). I talk to friends and family. I go to Al-Anon. I read forums. I go to the gym, sometimes twice per day. Is it working? I believe I feel a *tiny* bit better every day. Until I speak with her and don't get the answers I want to hear. Then it starts all over again.
While I think "This is making me crazy," I am starting to see that "I AM MAKING MYSELF CRAZY." I cannot control her. She will do what she wants, no matter what. Being a raw recovering alcoholic, I believe her actions can be as crazy as when they are actively drinking. Although I am not a very religious person, I am starting to believe that I need to trust in a higher power that this is the right thing. She is telling me that she needs space and I need to respect that. If it is space to aid in her recovery and to keep herself sober, that is wonderful. If it is space to assist her in sleeping with her Ex-BF, than I guess her recovery is not important. Only time will tell her true motivation. And without sobriety, our relationship will never work.
Where you happy with the ralationship before he went to rehab (i.e. in the not too distant past?). I was not. Do you want that chaos back? I do not. Do you think that if he came home right now all would be good, and with some counseling you would ride off on white horses into the sunset? It will not. Are you blaming yourself for everything? I am. Do you know all of this? You do.
And like me... you still want him back NOW.
I am so sorry you are hurting and going through this. I feel your pain, as I am there right now. I am by no means qualified to give advice, other than take care of yourself and your children.
Yesterday she came by to pick up more belongings, and we had the same circular conversations that we have been having for 2 months. I push for answers, trying to gain an understanding of the future. Are we going to try to work things out? When can we start counseling? When can we see each other again? Basically PRESSURE.
This is not well received. I am starting to believe that while "healthy" individuals can cope with this type of pressure, my alcoholic cannot. She either drinks, recoils, or runs. All I get is indecision and tears. The best answers I get are "I need to take care of myself. I do not even know what tomorrow will bring. I hope that we can get to a point that I can let go of my resentments of your crazy codependent behavior, and you can truly forgive and love me unconditionally in light of all I have done. I can't envision a future without you. But with all of this pressure, I haven't even been able to miss you -you are always there."
For me, this is madening. I want to put a plan in place TODAY. I am very type-A, goal oriented, and need things done NOW. I like to win, and act like a child when I don't get my way.
So how am I handling it? Not well. I move from resentment, to anger, to sadness, to reflection, to lethargy, multiple times per day. I cry (real men do that you know - we just don't eat quiche). I talk to friends and family. I go to Al-Anon. I read forums. I go to the gym, sometimes twice per day. Is it working? I believe I feel a *tiny* bit better every day. Until I speak with her and don't get the answers I want to hear. Then it starts all over again.
While I think "This is making me crazy," I am starting to see that "I AM MAKING MYSELF CRAZY." I cannot control her. She will do what she wants, no matter what. Being a raw recovering alcoholic, I believe her actions can be as crazy as when they are actively drinking. Although I am not a very religious person, I am starting to believe that I need to trust in a higher power that this is the right thing. She is telling me that she needs space and I need to respect that. If it is space to aid in her recovery and to keep herself sober, that is wonderful. If it is space to assist her in sleeping with her Ex-BF, than I guess her recovery is not important. Only time will tell her true motivation. And without sobriety, our relationship will never work.
Where you happy with the ralationship before he went to rehab (i.e. in the not too distant past?). I was not. Do you want that chaos back? I do not. Do you think that if he came home right now all would be good, and with some counseling you would ride off on white horses into the sunset? It will not. Are you blaming yourself for everything? I am. Do you know all of this? You do.
And like me... you still want him back NOW.
I am so sorry you are hurting and going through this. I feel your pain, as I am there right now. I am by no means qualified to give advice, other than take care of yourself and your children.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
Two points that stick in my mind:
"If you love something set it free. If it doesn't come back to you, then seek it out and kill it" ..... Sorry, I think I may have gotten that one wrong. "If it comes back, its meant to be." As cheesy as that cliche statement is, I believe it is true. If he doesn't come back, but he stays sober, his departure may be saving his life.
When I think about "revenge" for all the hurt my alcoholic's actions have caused me... which I have.... I think about a recent statement from my brother-in-law:
"The best revenge is living well."
"If you love something set it free. If it doesn't come back to you, then seek it out and kill it" ..... Sorry, I think I may have gotten that one wrong. "If it comes back, its meant to be." As cheesy as that cliche statement is, I believe it is true. If he doesn't come back, but he stays sober, his departure may be saving his life.
When I think about "revenge" for all the hurt my alcoholic's actions have caused me... which I have.... I think about a recent statement from my brother-in-law:
"The best revenge is living well."
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
And a final note about confiding with family members:
Although my family knows I love my alcoholic, they want me to kick her to the curb for all the wrongs she has committed against me. Her family wants her to kick me to the curb for not marrying her, but not letting her go, etc.
CAUTION: My family refuses to allow me to see any of my codependent behavior. It is all THE ALCOHOLICS fault. This can be detrimental to my recovery, and I have to keep it in check. I am NOT the most fantastic person in the world. I am sick too. The dance takes two.
Although my family knows I love my alcoholic, they want me to kick her to the curb for all the wrongs she has committed against me. Her family wants her to kick me to the curb for not marrying her, but not letting her go, etc.
CAUTION: My family refuses to allow me to see any of my codependent behavior. It is all THE ALCOHOLICS fault. This can be detrimental to my recovery, and I have to keep it in check. I am NOT the most fantastic person in the world. I am sick too. The dance takes two.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 186
Your posts are so full of pain and desperation. It pains me to read them.
The future (other than we all die) is unknown.
All we can do is prepare ourselves for the best possible future. You need to heal and grow and go into your own recovery.
Your husband is speaking loud and clear, he wants to separate now and is unsure of anything past that.
Allow him to live that way without badgering him.
Let him collect his things today and let him go. Don't talk or question the future. Talk about the here and now. Visitation regarding the kids. Bills or finances. If you are up to it filing a separation agreement helps draw clear lines.
Take this time as a gift to focus on you. Do what is right for you. Be happy. Be fulfilled. Go to alanon. Find a therapist. Find new hobbies. Enjoy your kids.
Then when your husband is ready to work on the relationship or get a divorce, you are healthy enough to handle it all.
Or you may end up surprising yourself and choose to no longer be with him.
Carrie - The Belle Of The Ball
The future (other than we all die) is unknown.
All we can do is prepare ourselves for the best possible future. You need to heal and grow and go into your own recovery.
Your husband is speaking loud and clear, he wants to separate now and is unsure of anything past that.
Allow him to live that way without badgering him.
Let him collect his things today and let him go. Don't talk or question the future. Talk about the here and now. Visitation regarding the kids. Bills or finances. If you are up to it filing a separation agreement helps draw clear lines.
Take this time as a gift to focus on you. Do what is right for you. Be happy. Be fulfilled. Go to alanon. Find a therapist. Find new hobbies. Enjoy your kids.
Then when your husband is ready to work on the relationship or get a divorce, you are healthy enough to handle it all.
Or you may end up surprising yourself and choose to no longer be with him.
Carrie - The Belle Of The Ball
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Yes, this CAN be the first day of the rest of your life. Whether that is a positive or negative thing is for you to determine.
It sounds from your posts like you all have been enmeshed for a long, long time and now that everything is changing at a rapid rate, everything in your life feels unsteady & uncertain. To me, that was the scariest phase to be in - seeing this unknown future stretch out ahead of me and feeling an absolute lack of control or surety that everything will turn out ok. No guarantees - no one could tell me this will happen if you stay, that will happen if you leave. (But is that ever really true in life anyway?) I didn't really feel like I was in touch with my faith because it was being tested in new ways that I hadn't prepared for or even considered, if I'm being honest.
But then it finally sunk down that I DID have control over so many things that mattered & the areas where I lacked control were also areas that I needed to stop expecting it.
I could not control AH's actions or decisions but I had absolute control over setting realistic expectations & owning my reactions.
I know it sounds trite & easy, but at just a few weeks sober (after what, years or drinking?) he really DOESN'T have the capacity to understand much more of what's happening or how he feels than what he is telling you. When you keep pushing him for answers he likely doesn't have at this point, you are pushing him further & further away. Crazed was right when he said: I was SO SO SO SO frustrated in those early months when I felt that everything should have been coming together but it only seemed to be unravelling further apart.
There is no fast & easy answer or solution to any of it, that is the most common thread I see in everyone's shares about recovery. Harrassing his mom for answers isn't going to get you anywhere except more frustrated, IMO. You're a million % correct when you say, It ISN'T fair & I got pretty hung up on the injustice of it for a while too. In early recovery my AH could barely get a handle on his emotional grid, handle day-to-day life of just maintaining a job without his alcohol to lean on for support & all of the physiological changes happening inside. I read a lot about that to gain perspective & realized IF he came out the other side he wouldn't likely be coming through as the exact same person, so no matter what he wasn't ever going to be the SAME person ever again. Nothing would ever go back to being THE SAME. And that's ok, but it wasn't working anyway, right?
Right now you can't understand exactly why we all keep telling to take this time to work on you but it's truly the best gift you can give yourself & your kids. You may find things inside that surprise & shock you & change the way you look at your AH, yourself, your life up to this point.
It sounds from your posts like you all have been enmeshed for a long, long time and now that everything is changing at a rapid rate, everything in your life feels unsteady & uncertain. To me, that was the scariest phase to be in - seeing this unknown future stretch out ahead of me and feeling an absolute lack of control or surety that everything will turn out ok. No guarantees - no one could tell me this will happen if you stay, that will happen if you leave. (But is that ever really true in life anyway?) I didn't really feel like I was in touch with my faith because it was being tested in new ways that I hadn't prepared for or even considered, if I'm being honest.
But then it finally sunk down that I DID have control over so many things that mattered & the areas where I lacked control were also areas that I needed to stop expecting it.
I could not control AH's actions or decisions but I had absolute control over setting realistic expectations & owning my reactions.I know it sounds trite & easy, but at just a few weeks sober (after what, years or drinking?) he really DOESN'T have the capacity to understand much more of what's happening or how he feels than what he is telling you. When you keep pushing him for answers he likely doesn't have at this point, you are pushing him further & further away. Crazed was right when he said:
Being a raw recovering alcoholic, I believe her actions can be as crazy as when they are actively drinking.
There is no fast & easy answer or solution to any of it, that is the most common thread I see in everyone's shares about recovery. Harrassing his mom for answers isn't going to get you anywhere except more frustrated, IMO. You're a million % correct when you say,
He is getting a great new apartment and will not have the daily responsibility of the kids or worries about paying bills or any other regular "stuff".
Right now you can't understand exactly why we all keep telling to take this time to work on you but it's truly the best gift you can give yourself & your kids. You may find things inside that surprise & shock you & change the way you look at your AH, yourself, your life up to this point.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Justshy 
I feel like I can't start the healing process if he won't tell me what is goin on.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Justshy, I am so sorry that your life has been turned upside down. I am sorry that you are hurting and confused.
IMHO, you need to take your power back. Your husband has shared his agenda, he has a recovery plan in place, he is going to work on himself, I can only suggest you do the same. Hard as it is, I would step back and give him space, no need to push or pry, more will be revealed, Patience is your friend.
No one has a crystal ball, we cannot predict the future, BUT you do have the option of living in YOUR today.
So some life changing events have transpired, this is how life goes, life happens as we are making plans.......
so do the next best thing,
and make yourself an acceptable living plan. Turn the focus inward. Concentrate on you and your kids. You have a great opportunity here, you get to choose if you want to live in the shadows or if you want to spend sometime in the sunshine. It's all you, right now, embrace the challenge. Be strong, believe in yourself, you are going to be ok, give time, time.
IMHO, you need to take your power back. Your husband has shared his agenda, he has a recovery plan in place, he is going to work on himself, I can only suggest you do the same. Hard as it is, I would step back and give him space, no need to push or pry, more will be revealed, Patience is your friend.
No one has a crystal ball, we cannot predict the future, BUT you do have the option of living in YOUR today.
So some life changing events have transpired, this is how life goes, life happens as we are making plans.......
so do the next best thing,
and make yourself an acceptable living plan. Turn the focus inward. Concentrate on you and your kids. You have a great opportunity here, you get to choose if you want to live in the shadows or if you want to spend sometime in the sunshine. It's all you, right now, embrace the challenge. Be strong, believe in yourself, you are going to be ok, give time, time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 441
From a purely psychological standpoint, if you act overly needy and desperate it is going to drive him away. You need to respect his request for space. If I were you, I would go to work on myself. I would also behave as if I were moving forward, as he believes you are always going to be waiting around for him. Once you show that you are strong and secure on your own, he may feel more drawn towards you. Do it for real though! The only person you can ever truly depend upon in yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Justshy, just a quick thought.
This is such a painful process to be going through, and my heart is with you.
I think the counsel here to live your own life, right now, is the best you could be given.
Take back control of your own life; make your own decisions; figure out who you are and what YOU want and need to do.
That is a tall order, and in my mind, it is the absolute healthiest path you can take.
He is NOT in your life right now, by his own necessity. He is trying to heal himself. Or, he isn't. Doesn't matter - that's up to him. So he's subtracting his half of the unhealthy behavior that led to this point in your joint life, in his individual life, in your life. What's left is YOUR half of the behavior, good and bad.
If you discover that, really look at YOUR half of the marriage, and YOUR whole of your own life, you will find a healthier happier path. And that may or may not lead you back together. Really, that doesn't matter now. That's a future decision.
I'd guess, from what you say, if you forced him to choose now, he's take divorce because he can't see how to live with the changes he needs to make within the context of your old marriage framework.
So, he doesn't get to tell the kids, WE'RE giving up the YMCA membership because "I" have a pool at my apartment. That's fine, the kids can use his pool when they visit him.
YOU get to have a YMCA membership for you and the kids the rest of the time, if that's what YOU want.
Start with these very little choices - - they'll help you scope out in a tiny way, one step at a time, what you want the little parts of your life to be. These are manageable, small issues you can handle. And I bet they'll lead you to another type of thinking that will gradually grow into thinking for yourself about what you need.
Keep posting, we're all here for you, supporting and cheering for you,
ShootingStar1
This is such a painful process to be going through, and my heart is with you.
I think the counsel here to live your own life, right now, is the best you could be given.
Take back control of your own life; make your own decisions; figure out who you are and what YOU want and need to do.
That is a tall order, and in my mind, it is the absolute healthiest path you can take.
He is NOT in your life right now, by his own necessity. He is trying to heal himself. Or, he isn't. Doesn't matter - that's up to him. So he's subtracting his half of the unhealthy behavior that led to this point in your joint life, in his individual life, in your life. What's left is YOUR half of the behavior, good and bad.
If you discover that, really look at YOUR half of the marriage, and YOUR whole of your own life, you will find a healthier happier path. And that may or may not lead you back together. Really, that doesn't matter now. That's a future decision.
I'd guess, from what you say, if you forced him to choose now, he's take divorce because he can't see how to live with the changes he needs to make within the context of your old marriage framework.
So, he doesn't get to tell the kids, WE'RE giving up the YMCA membership because "I" have a pool at my apartment. That's fine, the kids can use his pool when they visit him.
YOU get to have a YMCA membership for you and the kids the rest of the time, if that's what YOU want.
Start with these very little choices - - they'll help you scope out in a tiny way, one step at a time, what you want the little parts of your life to be. These are manageable, small issues you can handle. And I bet they'll lead you to another type of thinking that will gradually grow into thinking for yourself about what you need.
Keep posting, we're all here for you, supporting and cheering for you,
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Everyone is giving such great advice to focus on yourself and the kids. For me, keeping busy sends me in the right direction. I've had more long term relationships than any one person should be allowed....so I am speaking from a break up standpoint rather than a "know much about alcoholism" standpoint. (This is my first go round with an alcoholic partner.)
Anywho - keeping busy. It does several things:
takes my mind off the BS
makes me focus on real life fun things - and ACTUALLY LIVING IT
reconnects me with friends and family I've neglected
makes me spend more productive time with my pets
makes me exercise more
makes me take care of the house better
makes me cook better meals
and generally makes me a healthier person
In the beginning, it is forced. I need to get out of the house so I'll get ahold of someone to go to the movies. I should socialize so I'll invite friends for dinner. The first few times, its not a ton of fun - and your mind is preoccupied. You'll notice, the more you do it, the more socially active you get, the more people you meet - then the more often you'll be invited, the more often YOU will invite, and the more fun (AND HONESTLY THERAPEUTIC) it will be.
We get into these viscous cycles of depression very easily. Well, the same is true for the positive and taking care of ourselves. It's just easier to 'fall' into a bad place than it is to work into a good one. I have some work to do myself there....
Best of luck to you - you are in the right place here in S/R - for sympathy, ideas, motivation, and an ounce of PEACE! :ghug3
Anywho - keeping busy. It does several things:
takes my mind off the BS
makes me focus on real life fun things - and ACTUALLY LIVING IT
reconnects me with friends and family I've neglected
makes me spend more productive time with my pets
makes me exercise more
makes me take care of the house better
makes me cook better meals
and generally makes me a healthier person
In the beginning, it is forced. I need to get out of the house so I'll get ahold of someone to go to the movies. I should socialize so I'll invite friends for dinner. The first few times, its not a ton of fun - and your mind is preoccupied. You'll notice, the more you do it, the more socially active you get, the more people you meet - then the more often you'll be invited, the more often YOU will invite, and the more fun (AND HONESTLY THERAPEUTIC) it will be.
We get into these viscous cycles of depression very easily. Well, the same is true for the positive and taking care of ourselves. It's just easier to 'fall' into a bad place than it is to work into a good one. I have some work to do myself there....
Best of luck to you - you are in the right place here in S/R - for sympathy, ideas, motivation, and an ounce of PEACE! :ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Virginia
Posts: 47
You guys are awesome today! So many of you said exactly what I needed to hear. I think recovering2 hit the nail on the head...I'm going to meetings, reading all the literature, but not actually changing my behavior! Today has been a long day and I actually haven't heard from my RAH so I don't have anything new to share. I've spent a long time soul searching and preparing to get in the right mindset and I think I am there. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sure I will still cry....a lot, but I'm hoping to do it in private. I told the kids today that no matter what happens, we are going to be fine and we are going to just enjoy each day as it comes. (My RAH has only told them that he is movin to an apartment for a few months to "get better" and that they can come over anytime and have fun with him).
My adorable 7 year old daughter said something pretty surprising today. She said "mom, did you know that I prayed to God every night to help Daddy stop drinking? It took a long time, but he finally did. But now I'm sad because he has to be away from us. I think I'm going to start praying that he gets better quick so he can come home". I held it together long enough to tell her what a sweet girl she is and that she can pray for anything. I could learn a lot from her. I'm not going to pray for something that specific, just that God gives me strength to handle everything and that my husband recovers and we all find happiness...whatever happiness God gives us.
My adorable 7 year old daughter said something pretty surprising today. She said "mom, did you know that I prayed to God every night to help Daddy stop drinking? It took a long time, but he finally did. But now I'm sad because he has to be away from us. I think I'm going to start praying that he gets better quick so he can come home". I held it together long enough to tell her what a sweet girl she is and that she can pray for anything. I could learn a lot from her. I'm not going to pray for something that specific, just that God gives me strength to handle everything and that my husband recovers and we all find happiness...whatever happiness God gives us.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Justshy, you have plenty to share, we truly want to hear about Just YOU.
This forum is for you, and we are here to listen to your concerns. I know it's seems strange after so much focus on the alkie, but this is really how we lift each other up, in accepting that WE to do matter........ (((((hugs))))
This forum is for you, and we are here to listen to your concerns. I know it's seems strange after so much focus on the alkie, but this is really how we lift each other up, in accepting that WE to do matter........ (((((hugs))))
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