JustBreatheBaby

Not sure if this is the right place to post this, I'm new but iv been reading a lot on this website for the past two monthes and some of the forums has helped me deal with a lot. But latley I have Been needing some talking to or Encouragement I guess. This might be long :/

This is day three no contact with my XABF, he and I broke it off because things in the relationship just got to the worst part ever and it makes me sad because I have been there through so much through treatment and through the relapse but tomorrow he goes to court and is prbly going to jail for about 2 years and he said he won't have me wait that long. I have never said i love you to anyone before him so this hurts alot. He deffintly broke my heart . More than once . It has been a messed up roller coaster and all I ended up was with a messed up head and an even more messed up heart I couldn't even breathe the day this all happened and when I wake up in the morning I have this anxiety feeling and it sucks all thy helps me is praying to God ! My XABF was the sweetest person when he was sober but his head is still far to messed up and iv waited and spent so much time on him that I don't know who u am any more I don't know where to start. Iv talked to my friends and family and I think no one understand the way I feel right now . I know this is for the best for me to move on and focus on my school, work and get better in college but I can't help but think about everyday what I could have done more or what I could have done less. There is no one to blame but myself , I knew this was coming , but I loved him this much that I waited till the end.

Now I have to pick up the pieces and figure out the reason God put him in my life...

Btw I don't really consider that I was an alcoholic but about a year ago I would drink a lot and would usually deal with my problems by drinking or smoking weed but I havnt done that yet but iv had the urge to go party or drink to get my mind off things and I know that is not healthy
I'm lost, this isn't even half of how I feel I'm sorry if I'm so scattered. I just want to see someone's point of view that has been through something like this with an ex addict

So gone, all I can do is pray <3

Anaya

Welcome, JustBreatheBaby. I'm sorry for what you're going through and I think you're being too hard on yourself; try taking it one day at a time and know that, as you stated, praying helps.

This site has been very helpful for me as well; so much ESH shared, and the support is a blessing.

Hang in there. We're here for you.

Ann

Keep breathing and take this one day at a time. Sure, we'd all like to bury our pain but we also know that's not the answer.

It will take time and healing, but you WILL be okay. Don't beat yourself up, just take the lessons you have learned as gifts and keep moving forward. One day it will all make sense that leaving was the right thing to do.

Hugs

dollydo

Left, right, left, right moving forward. Each day is new opportunity for greatness, embrace it!

Be patient. This too shall pass.

Kindeyes

Welcome to the forum......I hope you find some comfort here with others who understand the anguish of loving someone who is addicted.

When we hurt emotionally, it feels like every part of our being is consumed in that pain. It does get better but it will take time.

I am of the belief that God puts people in our lives for a reason. We learn something from every contact we have with others. Look for the lessons in your experiences with you ABF. Hopefully, one of the most important things you will learn is that you deserve a loving relationship with someone who can be a good partner with you.

I'm sorry you are hurting. Keep praying. Keep concentrating on you and your studies. Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

JustBreatheBaby

Thank you all! I think I have to find serenity some how and embrace the fact that I can build a strong future for myself without a bf of any kind (not anytime soon at least) also iv read the serenity prayer , I love that prayer it helps alot. I will cry and pray and cry some more but part of growing is letting go right ?

helpme33

I wish I had the resources available to me when I was going through the same with my EXAH that are here for us today. I believed the promises and lies, they all are going to turn their lives around when they are in jail. Maybe they truly think they will, but when they get out and go back to the same friends, history repeats itself.

Mine hid his drug use from me when we were first married and it was years later that I found out. His user friends lied to me (some that I thought were my friends) and covered for him. His drug use got so bad that we lost everything and he was fired for selling drugs from the company vehicle. I was left to raise 2 small children on a clerical salary. Many years later he is still using.

I was in complete denial, it is so hard to face the ugly truth. I admire you for facing it as you are. Yes, it hurts. You admit the pain, I tried to bury it deep inside. It doesn't go away, it only takes longer to get passed it.

Focus on you and get your education so you can take care of yourself. Many colleges have couseling at reduced costs (or free). It is such a wonderful feeling to be independent. It means when you meet someone (and you will) you will be a partner, an equal in the relationship.

You deserve a good life with a healthy relationship. I did not realize how codependent I was and how much I was enabling. Read about these two topics, it will help you a great deal.
(((huggs and blessings you will get passed this)))

EnglishGarden

This is a time of deep grief and profound disillusionment for you and it will take quite some time for all your emotion to be brought up from your depths and to move out. It will take as long as it takes. People in your life may want you to move on and stop feeling pain for someone who has created damage in your life. But grieving is what you are doing and you will continue to move through it until you find peace. So do the best you can. Get enough sleep, promise yourself to eat well and take walks, if you have a friend who does not judge you then ask that friend to be with you through this with patience. I have found with my own grieving and confusion that all I could do was flow with the experience and take responsibility for my health while I do that. There are times in our lives when we are lost, and those times do not automatically clear up in a matter of weeks or months. We do the best we can while we take responsibility for self-care.

I loved your comment about God's intention for this experience in your life. I have tried to do the same for myself, regarding my experience and pain with an addict.

One of the clear lessons to me that took a few years of reflection to finally see is that if I want happiness in relationship, if I want not to find myself in the same situation again one day with another man who brings profound disillusionment, then from the very first meeting, I have to play it straight with a man. No games, no pretense, none of the usual romantic fantasies and giddiness that normal people might indulge in and not pay a price for. I can't afford to do that. Because I sometimes--not always--attract sick people to my life. I am a classic codependent in that I can be a chameleon, molding myself to meet the desires of the other person. It isn't conscious, I don't mean intentionally to deceive. I simply trust too much, minimize too much, please too much, and project qualities onto people they don't really have. It is my problem. And God has made it very clear to me that I need to play it straight with every new person who comes into my life, going forward.

I hope you will be easy on yourself for any choices you made. We are all new at this life, and our wrong turns, as you seem to know, are the places where we gain awareness of who we are and what we are meant to be. There is nothing like pain to create the stark contrast between what we have and what we need.

JustBreatheBaby

Thank you for encouraging me this has really helped a lot and opened my mind a little more...I'm glad I found this site and that there are really people who understand about this situation and care to take their time and give me advice <3 thank you so much I will read this everyday. Also what I like to read everyday is that "ZoSo's Laws For Surviving a Breakup With an Addict" very very good post thank you all so much, we can do this I will be sure to read and write here as much as possible. Just got to do this day by day and be thankful for what i have in MY life!
What iv learned from you guys is that I have to be STRAIGHT FORWARD and FOCUS ON MYSELF rigt now.
Thank you all again <3