Mom had a stroke...now what?

Old 01-08-2013, 11:48 AM
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Mom had a stroke...now what?

My mother has been an alcoholic for about 10 years now...she's been in and out of rehab, had 2 or 3 DUIs, been estranged for several extended periods of time...basically has hit "rock bottom" and continued to dig multiple times. She moved from Utah to Colorado about 3 years ago, leaving my father for a man she "reunited with" during a HS reunion. Long story short, that didn't last long, as her drinking became a problem with him as well, and she's bounced around between men, jobs, and living situations since. I got married in August, and she came to the wedding and behaved herself (thank God), but has been actively drinking since.

On Thanksgiving evening 2 months ago, I got a call from a hospital in Denver saying she had a major stroke, and was in the ICU. It was a right sided stroke, so mostly just affected her mobility, and not her speech/cognition. My father and I made the decision to step up and help care for her, as we are her only lasting support system of any kind, and she has no real support in Colorado, besides her elderly mother.

My husband and I drove out on Dec. 30th to pick her up...she was discharged from the hospital, and we drove her back to Utah on the 1st of January. She is a minimum to moderate assist, so we had to move her into an Assisted Living near our house until she is independent and strong enough to be in an apartment.

My father, my husband and myself have spent countless hours, and a pretty big chunk of money since Thanksgiving making sure she is cared for, and has everything she needs. I take her shopping when she needs to go, we do her laundry, we pay for her care (>$3000/mo), etc. I sat her down last night and wanted to have a pretty frank discussion with her about where we need to go from here, and what is expected. I explained that I would give her a list of AA meetings in the area, and she could pick a meeting on whatever day/time she chooses, and I would take her to one or two meetings a week. She looked at me like I was from another planet and said "I'm not going to those, I don't need to, and you can't make me". I just stared back, startled, as I felt like I was talking to a 14 year old. I explained to her further that since we've taken over her finances since the stroke, we've seen a lot of late bills, huge debts, liquor store receipts, body shop bills from minor "accidents", etc. We've also been in contact with several of her past employers and landlords and heard multiple horror stories of her bad behavior over the past year or two. I told her all these facts, and explained that if she expects me (and my husband) to take care of her the way we have been, she needs to do her part and face the music, and buckle down and get into some type of recovery. She turned around in the wheelchair, and spouted off about only needing a stroke recovery group, that's all she will benefit from.

Anyone else can see she is clearly a disaster, and has completely lost control of her life. Her smoking and drinking are likely what caused the stroke, and she hasn't been able to keep a job in over 4 years. My husband suggested that if she doesn't agree to follow through with the suggestions we are lining up for her, we should just cut her off. Let her take care of herself, and make whatever decisions she chooses to make. I feel obligated to care for her, because I'm her only child, and she has burned all of her bridges...but at the same time, I want to protect myself, my sanity, and my family from her destructive/manipulative behavior. We had a perfectly fine "talk once a month when she's sober" detached relationship, but now since the stroke, I feel like I've been flung back into the middle of her tornado of destruction.

How do I keep firm boundaries, but also offer help to her at the same time? Do I cut her off if she chooses to ignore me? Or do I continue to spend my time/energy/emotions/money on helping her recover medically, even if she has no intentions of admitting she needs to be actively working on an alcohol recovery? I know you can't control another person's recovery, and I was doing perfectly fine with my boundaries before her stroke - but now I feel like I don't have the choice but to be involved in her life, as she now lives 2 miles away from me, and relies on me for so much. In a way, I feel like I've lost MY independence, and I'm being tossed back to the toxic lifestyle I worked so hard to distance myself from.

I'm feeling so torn, and don't know what the right thing to do is. Any help? I appreciate any feedback anyone takes the time to offer...
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Old 01-08-2013, 03:31 PM
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Indeed, quite a mess. My mother is the alcoholic in my life, I am no contact with her, this is the third time in my adult life. She is and has always been difficult, it is all about her, what she wants, she never considers how her actions effect others, and, really doesn't care. She is 87, still drinking daily (big time), refuses to sell
her house, although if she has to go into assisted living, all her money is tied up in the house, and as with other areas in the US, the housing market is sluggish at best.

You are entitled to your own life, your own peace and happiness, I would support your husbands recommendation, you cannot help or change her, it is a matter of letting go or getting dragged down with her.

With my mother, it was her or me, I chose me. She has lived her life just as she pleased,
it is time for me to live mine.

Sending support your way, I am sorry for your situation.
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Old 01-08-2013, 07:31 PM
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Welcome. I guess one thing that helped me was to become emtionally detached. I stayed somewhat involved but didn't let it sap me. Prayer was/is my help, and learning to let go. Whatever happens is not my fault. I know it sounds easier than to do than it is. Keep posting and reading here. Talking it out can help.
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Old 01-09-2013, 07:45 PM
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Your husband sounds like a wise man. If she has money for booze, she has money to help herself. It will be hard to be polite about it. But simply tell her that and that if she focuses all of her money on helping herself and still can't make ends meet you will be there for her. But as long as she keeps up her drinking you are not financing her habit.

She will likely blow up at you trying to make you the bad guy. Just tell her your mind is made up and she can contact you when she is ready. Then walk away.

No guarantee she will come back to you if she needs you. But that is her choice. Don't feel bad if she makes bad choices. That is all her, you can't control her and you can't fix her.

I wish you luck however you decide to handle it.
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Old 01-09-2013, 10:45 PM
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it's good you are reaching out. I don't have good advice, but just to say do what you can to help, then make a plan to keep yourself sane and functional. My dad is in the hospital with DTs. I spent the week really worrying, all day freaking out- i could keep it up all day/week/year, but i have to make sure i don't lose my job/keep my head above water. i live in CA he is in NY- i may need to make decisions about his care- i don't want him to live alone- but i also fear losing my finances/life to trying to get him to care for himself better. wish he didn't live alone. anyway, i can see myself getting into a tail spin, which won't do anyone any good, so back to alanon. maybe that could help you, too. good luck and peace.
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