kthopkt

My dad just called; he is a local police office. He said that my brother was charged with stealing my aunts purse & wallet & that "things" are are really, really bad.

My brother & I have different father's & the aunt that was stolen from is on my mother's side. I called my aunt to inquire what happened & she was immediately upset with me & screamed "HOW DID YOU FIND OUT?" I told her I couldn't tell her how because I didn't want to get my dad in trouble. Why would she be so upset??? I told her that none of us are doing my brother any good by helping him out. I told her that he needs for things to continually get worse. She screamed "SO NOW YOU ARE LECTURING ME?"

Why the F*** is she protecting my brother. Why can't I know what happened?

The same thing happened when I went home for X-Mas. My one uncle that still communicates with my brother wouldn't tell me where my brother was living even though he knows. Why are they protecting him?

Katiekate

Because they are his enablers.

Maybe separate yourself from the chaos.

interrupted

My mother hides the truth about my sister from me, and I really don't know why she does it. I suspect that in convincing me that things are okay she is actually trying to convince herself that things are okay. I expect that she has a lot of guilt over how my sister has turned out - I know that I've worked through a lot of guilt myself, so it's only natural that she would have those feelings. Hiding the issue is a way of trying to ignore that guilt. Admitting that there is a problem also means owning your own culpability in that problem, if there is any, and that's a very difficult thing to do.

The important part is to not get caught up in all of their enmeshment and drama. All it does is distract you from your own healing. I know how easy it is to get caught up in it, and I also know that it can feel like you're being left out when they don't include you in the fold. It should feel like they're doing you a favor, but somehow it always ends up feeling like a jab. That's our own codependency talking - the voice saying that we're being left out. We don't want that dysfunction, we only wish for it because it's the only love we've ever known.

When I feel left out I try to remind myself how much more full my life is outside of the dysfunction than it ever was when I was mired in it. You're not alone in this, we're all here with you.

Maylie

They are probally leaving you out of the drama because they know that you are going to state the obvious, that he is an addict and that he should feel the consequences of his actions or he won't ever get better. They are living in the fantasy that they can love the addiction out of him, or that if they ignore it, it will go away. By not enabling your brother, you are in a way threatening their fantasy world.

Although no one wants to be left out on what is going on in the family, it is better that they don't call and tell you every detail every time something happens. You don't need chaos and lies in your life. You have accepted that your brother is an addict, and you're not enabling him, and therefore, it is better if you are not updated on him. It is much harder to detach and not run to their rescue when we get phone calls updated us on the newest crisis.

Try not to see this as being left out, try to see it as they are doing you a favor. Enjoy the peace of not being right in the middle of the chaos, hopefully your other family members will follow suit and give your brother a chance to face his consequences and hit his bottom.

outtolunch

None of this, your brother's problems and the family's reaction, have anything to do with you. It's not personal. I know it feels this way, right now and it hurts if you allow it to do so.

The only thing here that you control is your own reaction.

crazybabie

I think that maybe your aunt is feeling guilty I have pressed charges on my son so many times and I was unhealthier than I am now, it ate me up with guilt maybe you just happened to be the one she took it out on?

mytime66

I always try to steer clear of other peoples problems myself. Your brother with or without the enabling will find his way to bottom. Many of us, myself included have made the journey. The one thing you can do for him is say a player. I wish him well. Maybe just do the same.

Kindeyes

I don't talk to my daughter about her addicted brother. I don't do it to protect him.....I do it to protect HER. It's upsetting to her.....just like it is for you. She doesn't want to hear about him so I don't burden her with anything I may know UNLESS she asks.....which she doesn't.

In addition, when I am with my daughter, she is the focus of my attention. The last thing I want to do is disrupt the wonderful time I am spending with her talking about drama that we have no control over.

I ask this question of you gently......you already knew about the situation.......why did you need to talk to your aunt about it? I always question my own motivations when something goes sideways on me.

gentle hugs
ke