Spouses and early recovery - what's their deal?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 150
Spouses and early recovery - what's their deal?
Has anyone ever had problems with a significant other in early sobriety? I'm 73 days sober and am a part of AA and I committed myself to doing 90 meetings in 90 days. I also got a sponsor for the first time and meet with her once a week. I am embracing the program because I am sick and tired...of being sick and tired! 
Anyway, the last 2 years for my boyfriend and I have been hell because I couldn't stay sober. Fight after fight about it...all he wanted was that I got sober and stayed sober and I couldn't. NOW, I am doing it right and I feel like I'm doing everything right and I actually feel good!
I am aware my sobriety has to come first. If I don't keep my sobriety as a #1 priority, I will drink and therefore be a useless individual. People hate me when I drink and I hate myself. This is all my boyfriend wanted me to do - but now he's having an issue with it!
He's yelling at me for the time I spend at meetings. He's making me feel bad about it - saying that he's not going to "pencil me in" when it's convenient for me. He says I should be able to go to a noon meeting but I can't because that lunch hour will be an hour and a half instead of an hour. Also, I'm 30 and female - I relate to alot more people at evening meetings rather than retirees at the afternoon meetings. He says I'm being selfish and just care abotu socializing! How dare him!!!
I know I am on the right track and I am doing EVERYTHING I can do to remain sober and follow a program of recovery. What do I do about him and his outbursts?
I don't want to leave because I love him, but I'm getting to the point where I do not like him anymore. Everything I do is wrong. It used to be becasue I lied and drank but now with that off the table - he seems to be finding anything else about me to fight about! I don't want to be a vicitim but I don't know what to do because he makes me feel bad. I'm starting to think he liked that I drank so he had someone to fight with! I'm confused. Anyone have any experiece with this? Jealousy, I think, due to AA meetings??? It's craziness.
Anyway, the last 2 years for my boyfriend and I have been hell because I couldn't stay sober. Fight after fight about it...all he wanted was that I got sober and stayed sober and I couldn't. NOW, I am doing it right and I feel like I'm doing everything right and I actually feel good!
I am aware my sobriety has to come first. If I don't keep my sobriety as a #1 priority, I will drink and therefore be a useless individual. People hate me when I drink and I hate myself. This is all my boyfriend wanted me to do - but now he's having an issue with it!
He's yelling at me for the time I spend at meetings. He's making me feel bad about it - saying that he's not going to "pencil me in" when it's convenient for me. He says I should be able to go to a noon meeting but I can't because that lunch hour will be an hour and a half instead of an hour. Also, I'm 30 and female - I relate to alot more people at evening meetings rather than retirees at the afternoon meetings. He says I'm being selfish and just care abotu socializing! How dare him!!!
I know I am on the right track and I am doing EVERYTHING I can do to remain sober and follow a program of recovery. What do I do about him and his outbursts?
I don't want to leave because I love him, but I'm getting to the point where I do not like him anymore. Everything I do is wrong. It used to be becasue I lied and drank but now with that off the table - he seems to be finding anything else about me to fight about! I don't want to be a vicitim but I don't know what to do because he makes me feel bad. I'm starting to think he liked that I drank so he had someone to fight with! I'm confused. Anyone have any experiece with this? Jealousy, I think, due to AA meetings??? It's craziness.
Re-Tread
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Meditation
Posts: 1,300
Yes Ive went thru some similar feelings with my wife. Shes been jealous about it or says Im gone too much. Im going to about 4 meetings a week plus a night with my sponsor. The thing is sobriety is now my number 2 priority.. Right behind my Higher Power. If Im not sober Ill be dead and she'll have nothing left to complain about 
.
Seriously, I know this whole thing is going to change my relationship in many ways. For all I know this is the beginning of the end. Ive dedicated myself to not worrying much about that right now, staying sober, and making those decisions down the road if/when absolutely necessary. If it all ends someday I still have to be able to maintain my sobriety.
First things first.
. Seriously, I know this whole thing is going to change my relationship in many ways. For all I know this is the beginning of the end. Ive dedicated myself to not worrying much about that right now, staying sober, and making those decisions down the road if/when absolutely necessary. If it all ends someday I still have to be able to maintain my sobriety.
First things first.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 300
I guess it's inevitable that when people change those closest to them have to make an adjustment too. Clearly he didn't figure he's be impacted as much as he has.
If I was you I'd try to explain in a calm, and honest way how important sobriety is to you, while acknowledging that it involves changes all round, your relationship included. If he can't find a way to support you then I think you know what you've got to do...Best of luck.
If I was you I'd try to explain in a calm, and honest way how important sobriety is to you, while acknowledging that it involves changes all round, your relationship included. If he can't find a way to support you then I think you know what you've got to do...Best of luck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Hi niki, hope you don't mind me jumping over here from the F&F of A's forum, but I wanted to offer the "other side's" perspective.
If he was anything like me - he's still reeling from the chaos of alcoholism. Have you suggested (gently) Al-Anon? He sounds as if he's having trouble detaching and probably is so used to trying to control the situation (your drinking) that he's trying to control your recovery. No wonder you are annoyed - I know I was annoying, too! Well, I know that now - not at the time, though. It took Al-Anon, working the steps myself, and a good, honest sponsor AND personal therapy for me to pull my head out of my own butt and face my own issues.
Your sobriety does need to come first. And he needs to understand just how important that is. He could also be suffering from the thinking that everything was going to magically return to "normal" - whatever that may look like for him - when you put the drink down for the last time. Would you consider the idea of having your sponsor talk with him, if he won't attend Al-Anon? Sometimes, hearing from others with much more experience then we have makes the message that much more powerful.
Congrats on your sobriety, and keep up the good work.
~T
If he was anything like me - he's still reeling from the chaos of alcoholism. Have you suggested (gently) Al-Anon? He sounds as if he's having trouble detaching and probably is so used to trying to control the situation (your drinking) that he's trying to control your recovery. No wonder you are annoyed - I know I was annoying, too! Well, I know that now - not at the time, though. It took Al-Anon, working the steps myself, and a good, honest sponsor AND personal therapy for me to pull my head out of my own butt and face my own issues.
Your sobriety does need to come first. And he needs to understand just how important that is. He could also be suffering from the thinking that everything was going to magically return to "normal" - whatever that may look like for him - when you put the drink down for the last time. Would you consider the idea of having your sponsor talk with him, if he won't attend Al-Anon? Sometimes, hearing from others with much more experience then we have makes the message that much more powerful.
Congrats on your sobriety, and keep up the good work.
~T
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: fort wayne, IN.
Posts: 1,085
I know what you are going through. I am 82 days in. My husband hated my drinking and protested it vehemently. Now it seems there are new things to be upset about. The time I spend on this site is a common topic for instance. It's like he needs me to focus entirely on him and his happiness. Number one priorty. I agree with what Tuffgirl said too. That is a perspective I have not taken. I don't know what it is like to be the "sober one" in a relationship.
Not Alone
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: South East UK
Posts: 1,513
Unfortunately our significant others can never really understand what is going on in our heads or the effort we make to deal with it. It took me a long time to realise my family have no idea what I'm thinking or how I am without them asking me. More often than not when we get clean and sober people also expect that to be 'it'. You've kicked the drugs/booze now so you can start living a normal life. We all know that is not the case but other people don't. We have to press this point home. Personally it sounds like your partner is being quite selfish. However having a good home/recovery life is highly recommended in the fellowships. It might be worth sitting him down and talking to him about it in detail. If he gets it then great but if he doesn't you might have to try other tactics.
Natom.
Natom.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
It's tough, I know..... I was married the first time I got sober and my husband felt the same way. I'd also been a more passive person while drinking, so things were going to be different, for sure.
I think our loved ones have a certain idea in mind (read: fantasy) when they think about what will happen when we get sober. Everything wrong is blamed on drinking, so things will be bliss when that's out of the picture..... at least that's the hope.
The truth is, we all have expectations in relationships that aren't going to be met, and never will be met, and it takes communication/negotiation on both sides. You can't compromise what you need to do to stay sober, though. I don't know if there's a way to include him more in that (or if you even want to at this point), but I'm glad you're staying strong and I think if he cares about you, he'll at least be willing to work on making some adjustments. :ghug3
I think our loved ones have a certain idea in mind (read: fantasy) when they think about what will happen when we get sober. Everything wrong is blamed on drinking, so things will be bliss when that's out of the picture..... at least that's the hope.
The truth is, we all have expectations in relationships that aren't going to be met, and never will be met, and it takes communication/negotiation on both sides. You can't compromise what you need to do to stay sober, though. I don't know if there's a way to include him more in that (or if you even want to at this point), but I'm glad you're staying strong and I think if he cares about you, he'll at least be willing to work on making some adjustments. :ghug3
Been there, done that!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: London
Posts: 539
Find a balance no where in the big book does it say we must do 90 in 90 and be away from our families, if your partner has stuck by you they deserve some of the rewards of sobriety aswell, the programme is about healing not swapping one addiction (drink)for another meetings!!
Just my opinion.
Just my opinion.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 150
Lionheart - I am a firm believer in the way I'm handling this part of my program. I needed to replace drinking everyday with meetings everyday because I couldn't stay sober and need the meetings. My boyfriend is being selfish and finding things wrong with something else now that he can't blame on drinking anymore. It's sad.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
I dunno...we all know how hard early recovery is for us...imagine how hard it is for our loved ones who can never really understand, or really be a part of this?
Just as we need time to settle into our sober lives, I think they do too.
That doesn't mean a licence to be mean... but I think only you can decide whether this is teething problems or male jackassery Niki
D
Just as we need time to settle into our sober lives, I think they do too.
That doesn't mean a licence to be mean... but I think only you can decide whether this is teething problems or male jackassery Niki
D
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Being in recovery may feel like we are doing something vastly noble to us, but to others it may seem like we are finally doing what we should have been all along.
it can feel like, even after all they've been through with us, here we are AGAIN, asking them to be understanding, take the back seat, be supportive, and go without the aspects of the relationship that they feel they have coming to them.
We want them to be supportive of us, but they need support too. We get into recovery so we can learn to live our lives not so we have a new escape that feels bullet proof, I mean how could ANYONE question anything we do to recover? how dare they!
Recovery must come first for us, but they don't necessarily feel it must come first for them.
Like Dee suggested, maybe your boyfriend is being a jerk, or maybe he's being a human expressing understandable feelings.
it can feel like, even after all they've been through with us, here we are AGAIN, asking them to be understanding, take the back seat, be supportive, and go without the aspects of the relationship that they feel they have coming to them.
We want them to be supportive of us, but they need support too. We get into recovery so we can learn to live our lives not so we have a new escape that feels bullet proof, I mean how could ANYONE question anything we do to recover? how dare they!
Recovery must come first for us, but they don't necessarily feel it must come first for them.
Like Dee suggested, maybe your boyfriend is being a jerk, or maybe he's being a human expressing understandable feelings.
Trudger of Happy Destiny
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Naperville, IL
Posts: 1,918
I'd simply talk to him about it and let him know how important your sobriety is to you...
Also I would speak to your sponsor about it. They generally have more knowledge of your life situation than us here at SR. We love to help, but can only do so much from afar.
Also I would speak to your sponsor about it. They generally have more knowledge of your life situation than us here at SR. We love to help, but can only do so much from afar.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Hi Niki,
I do not attend AA meetings, but I do see a counselor and have been selfish with my time for yoga, walking, SR, and other healthier habits that I may have become a little obsessed.
At first I think he thought this was just a phase, but now he realizes it is not and has become much more supportive.
Let him know that your sobriety is important for you and for your relationship. I know I sometimes assume my husband should just know what I am thinking/feeling, and have learned over the years to just tell him.
Keep up the great work for you!!!
I do not attend AA meetings, but I do see a counselor and have been selfish with my time for yoga, walking, SR, and other healthier habits that I may have become a little obsessed.
At first I think he thought this was just a phase, but now he realizes it is not and has become much more supportive.
Let him know that your sobriety is important for you and for your relationship. I know I sometimes assume my husband should just know what I am thinking/feeling, and have learned over the years to just tell him.
Keep up the great work for you!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 625
I agree that you must place your sobriety first.
That said, have you never lied to him in order to drink? If you are like other alcoholics, you've created trust issues with the people closest to you. Now suddenly, this person who has reason to distrust you must come to terms with the idea that you are gone every night, with people he may or may not know, doing who knows what.
That said, have you never lied to him in order to drink? If you are like other alcoholics, you've created trust issues with the people closest to you. Now suddenly, this person who has reason to distrust you must come to terms with the idea that you are gone every night, with people he may or may not know, doing who knows what.
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