Why am I so insecure?! Where is the old me?????
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Why am I so insecure?! Where is the old me?????
Hi friends,
Things between myself and my RAB are very positive. I have been able to let go of my urges to want to control things after feeling such a loss of control in my life during the height of his drinking problem. I have stopped using the past as a way to pull a guilt trip on him and we are really at a wonderful point. On a normal day, we are happy and getting along and feeling peace after a long time.
He is a wonderful man sober but when he used to drink he would put me down verbally and it created a very vicious self-attacking mindset within me. Now, even though he has been sober for over a year and so very sweet, I still find myself lacking confidence. I am feeling very insecure within myself - especially when he is around other women. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!! I have never been this way before.
I constantly feel threatened by the thought of him doing things without me. I am incriminating myself, I know that I am wrong, but I am having a VERY hard time pulling myself out of this low place.
currently, his 4 close friends are going on a ski trip with about 10 girls that I have never met. He would like to go but I just don't feel its appropriate. I am struggling to differentiate between what is appropriate and what is not.
I used to be a very very confident person who was so unfamiliar with these feelings. I don't know where that person is anymore. HOW DO I REBUILD MYSELF? How do I rebuild my confidence to where it was before all the drinking and abuse?
I feel like I am crazy and that I am such a bad person for trying to stop him from doing things that would make him happy. I was never this scared/selfish/insecure.
Things between myself and my RAB are very positive. I have been able to let go of my urges to want to control things after feeling such a loss of control in my life during the height of his drinking problem. I have stopped using the past as a way to pull a guilt trip on him and we are really at a wonderful point. On a normal day, we are happy and getting along and feeling peace after a long time.
He is a wonderful man sober but when he used to drink he would put me down verbally and it created a very vicious self-attacking mindset within me. Now, even though he has been sober for over a year and so very sweet, I still find myself lacking confidence. I am feeling very insecure within myself - especially when he is around other women. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!! I have never been this way before.
I constantly feel threatened by the thought of him doing things without me. I am incriminating myself, I know that I am wrong, but I am having a VERY hard time pulling myself out of this low place.
currently, his 4 close friends are going on a ski trip with about 10 girls that I have never met. He would like to go but I just don't feel its appropriate. I am struggling to differentiate between what is appropriate and what is not.
I used to be a very very confident person who was so unfamiliar with these feelings. I don't know where that person is anymore. HOW DO I REBUILD MYSELF? How do I rebuild my confidence to where it was before all the drinking and abuse?
I feel like I am crazy and that I am such a bad person for trying to stop him from doing things that would make him happy. I was never this scared/selfish/insecure.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Verbal abuse is very difficult to get out of your mind. I have been working with a therapist and I can tell you it's a difficult process. You are not crazy, you were hurt badly. I am also incredibly insecure and nervous now and dating is out of the question for a while. I'm sorry for what you have been through.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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I would suggest therapy. And not because there's something fundamentally wrong with you - but because it allows for a more thorough process of introspection with a professional. I am sure verbal abuse plays a big role, as does lack of trust in this guy. Things may be going well right now, but of course you are going to be wary for a long time. Therapy may be able to teach you some tools on dealing with your residual emotions from trying to have a relationship with an addict.
Now - skiing with 10 girls? Even if it was Lindsay Vaughn and he was hoping for some free lessons from a pro, I'd feel the same way! I don't think that's abnormal at all. Why can't he go on a ski trip with just his guy friends? Would he be ok with you and your girlfriends going on a ski trip with 10 guys? I think you have a right to be concerned here - something doesn't sound right. More to be revealed on this one...
Now - skiing with 10 girls? Even if it was Lindsay Vaughn and he was hoping for some free lessons from a pro, I'd feel the same way! I don't think that's abnormal at all. Why can't he go on a ski trip with just his guy friends? Would he be ok with you and your girlfriends going on a ski trip with 10 guys? I think you have a right to be concerned here - something doesn't sound right. More to be revealed on this one...
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 34
I appreciate the support. I had been seeing my therapist for about 8 months but due to changes in my insurance, I decided at the end of December to end our sessions. At the time, I felt that I had found my footing but I think both of you are right and I should continue. I am still discovering how deep my scars have gone.
I sometimes feel like I am losing my mind - thank you for making me feel sane again!
Tuffgirl - I agree that there is more to be uncovered.
I sometimes feel like I am losing my mind - thank you for making me feel sane again!
Tuffgirl - I agree that there is more to be uncovered.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 178
alia, I'm sorry to hear you are struggling so much with this. I don't know your story, but has RABF given you any reason to be insecure about other girls? I think I would find it odd if my RABF wanted to go off with ten other girls, but I don't think I would suspect him of anything. I never have, and he's never given me reason to.
That being said, I know exactly how you feel about having lost yourself to the oblivion of being in an abusive relationship. It's so frustrating and I have such good memories of when I was a strong person, and only had to worry about myself. When my BF was drinking, I withered down into a pathetic, snivelling scrap of a woman, with no interest in seeing friends (he would get drunk if he was there or jealously call me non-stop to check up on me), or even answering the phone. I knew logically that the whole world wasn't on the other end of the line waiting to attack me, but it felt like I was always poised for it. I literally didn't recognise myself in the mirror.
Some of my previous strength has come back now he has quit drinking, but I can see, as you have, that the scars do run very deep.
I guess the question for us is - do we wait and see if we can rebuild ourselves alongside our partners, or do we have to leave them to get ourselves back? Technically, we should be able to do it either way, but realistically-speaking I'm not so sure we can. Easier said than done.
I don't know about you, but I struggle with that one a lot.
That being said, I know exactly how you feel about having lost yourself to the oblivion of being in an abusive relationship. It's so frustrating and I have such good memories of when I was a strong person, and only had to worry about myself. When my BF was drinking, I withered down into a pathetic, snivelling scrap of a woman, with no interest in seeing friends (he would get drunk if he was there or jealously call me non-stop to check up on me), or even answering the phone. I knew logically that the whole world wasn't on the other end of the line waiting to attack me, but it felt like I was always poised for it. I literally didn't recognise myself in the mirror.
Some of my previous strength has come back now he has quit drinking, but I can see, as you have, that the scars do run very deep.
I guess the question for us is - do we wait and see if we can rebuild ourselves alongside our partners, or do we have to leave them to get ourselves back? Technically, we should be able to do it either way, but realistically-speaking I'm not so sure we can. Easier said than done.
I don't know about you, but I struggle with that one a lot.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
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Originally Posted by Audrey1 
I guess the question for us is - do we wait and see if we can rebuild ourselves alongside our partners, or do we have to leave them to get ourselves back? Technically, we should be able to do it either way, but realistically-speaking I'm not so sure we can. Easier said than done.
I don't know about you, but I struggle with that one a lot.
Patricia Evans has also written a book on Recovering From Verbal Abuse - I recommend it.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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My confidence took a much bigger hit that I would have ever anticipated while dealing with RAH's active alcoholism. I've always been very secure in our relationship & never questioned things the way I do now. I am still struggling harder than I would like at gaining that part of myself back again..... I'm not quite sure what it is about this whole experience that makes me feel like less than myself, but I can't deny it's how I really feel. I just keep working on me & have faith that one day I'll be able to say I've gotten over it.
But I have to agree with Tuffgirl - a trip with 4 buddies & 10 unknown girls? That would be inappropriate ~to me~ with or without alcohol issues mixed in.
But I have to agree with Tuffgirl - a trip with 4 buddies & 10 unknown girls? That would be inappropriate ~to me~ with or without alcohol issues mixed in.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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He has lied to me in the past about going to lunch alone with his female co-worker. Normally it wouldn't bother me but because I felt he was hiding things, it became problematic. He said he felt zero attraction and that she has a boyfriend, but the lies made it all very uncomfortable.
I do think that he is a faithful person, however, when he used to drink he was like jekyll and hyde so sometimes i still dont trust his character fully. I want to so badly just trust him again, but i'm finding that to be a very difficult task.
I do think that he is a faithful person, however, when he used to drink he was like jekyll and hyde so sometimes i still dont trust his character fully. I want to so badly just trust him again, but i'm finding that to be a very difficult task.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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I saw an episode of law and order once. A man verbally abused his wife for years then when the children were born invited them to do the same as well. Eventually she snapped and killed him, but even after he was dead she felt he would be angry if he were to see the state of the house - so she kept cleaning and tidying. She got off on the murder charge. Total fiction of course - but my point is verbal abuse destroys a person.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 48
guy sounds kind of like an a s s
I think you should tell him ho wyou feel and what's up. If he helped hurt you when drunk, then he needs to start helping you feel better about yourself. Tell him- then see what he is really made of- by how he responds.
hopefully he will say- omg hun, I love you" and start pumping you up regularly ya know. If he is defensive and an arse about it- ditch him! You're valuable.
wow! I got on a lil rant there
hoping for the best
Todd
I think you should tell him ho wyou feel and what's up. If he helped hurt you when drunk, then he needs to start helping you feel better about yourself. Tell him- then see what he is really made of- by how he responds.
hopefully he will say- omg hun, I love you" and start pumping you up regularly ya know. If he is defensive and an arse about it- ditch him! You're valuable.
wow! I got on a lil rant there
hoping for the best
Todd
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 34
I spoke to him today and he does understand that he has played a role in creating these high emotions within me. I think sometimes he just wants everything to be back to normal and feels like things are moving too slow. I sometimes catch myself apologizing for my slow progress or questioning "it has been over a year, should i still be feeling this way??"...I just don't know how long it will take me to get to a stronger and more stable place. I just don't like the indirect pressure I feel from him sometimes.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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It takes what it takes. I have been out for 4 years and I am also noticing how deep the wounds are. It is not something one solves easily. And no one is able to put any timelines to emotional healing. (Much less the perpetrator of abuse.)
Anyway, alcohol aside. IMHO its inappropriate to go with so many females. Were you invited to this trip? why are you not going? and how are his male friends like? are they people you know and trust? do you consider them your friends,also?
I would 'let him' go, and meanwhile, I would plan a trip for myself, a couple of close girlfriends and 20 single hot guys. Let's see if this is totally cool with him!
Sorry, my revenge-loving, unhealthy self talking.
You are not alone...
Anyway, alcohol aside. IMHO its inappropriate to go with so many females. Were you invited to this trip? why are you not going? and how are his male friends like? are they people you know and trust? do you consider them your friends,also?
I would 'let him' go, and meanwhile, I would plan a trip for myself, a couple of close girlfriends and 20 single hot guys. Let's see if this is totally cool with him!
Sorry, my revenge-loving, unhealthy self talking.
You are not alone...
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Abusive history or not, going on a trip alone without your girlfriend with a bunch of singles (I'm assuming) is wildly inappropriate in my book. Were you invited on this trip? Were you expressly disinvited? Are these people you trust? Do you trust your boyfriend and his ability to resist peer pressure? Is everyone else on this trip down with the sobriety and monogamy thing, or is it not that kind of trip?
Say, for example, that my RAH was going on a recovery-based ski trip with a bunch of people in AA (they do that a lot around here). I probably wouldn't think anything of it. A work trip? Absolutely. Anything else? It depends.
Before my AH admitted to a drinking problem, there was a lot of this. The roving eye and inappropriate relationships with women have been a long-standing concern of mine in our relationship. In hindsight, my spidey senses were tingling for a reason. And I was ultimately right -- about the cheating, the lying, and the drinking too. This is one area where I had to learn to stop listening to what he says, and start looking at what he does.
My RAH, especially when drinking, was always the kind of guy who acted first and explained later. He was never so up front to discuss any gray areas with my ahead of time and come to a mutual decision. I saw this with work decisions, relationship weirdness, money issues, social situations, and family situations, time and time again. I found that once he got clean, this really didn't change. Me being uncomfortable with this habit is not a short-coming of mine -- it falls short of my relationship standards.
If he has a history of being shady around the details, you're right to question his intent and motive.
But I'd also be questioning myself why I want to be intimately involved with someone I fundamentally don't trust. I used to fall apart over this stuff, but with a lot of focus on myself and my journey to health, I realized that it's not worth the anxiety.
Say, for example, that my RAH was going on a recovery-based ski trip with a bunch of people in AA (they do that a lot around here). I probably wouldn't think anything of it. A work trip? Absolutely. Anything else? It depends.
Before my AH admitted to a drinking problem, there was a lot of this. The roving eye and inappropriate relationships with women have been a long-standing concern of mine in our relationship. In hindsight, my spidey senses were tingling for a reason. And I was ultimately right -- about the cheating, the lying, and the drinking too. This is one area where I had to learn to stop listening to what he says, and start looking at what he does.
My RAH, especially when drinking, was always the kind of guy who acted first and explained later. He was never so up front to discuss any gray areas with my ahead of time and come to a mutual decision. I saw this with work decisions, relationship weirdness, money issues, social situations, and family situations, time and time again. I found that once he got clean, this really didn't change. Me being uncomfortable with this habit is not a short-coming of mine -- it falls short of my relationship standards.
If he has a history of being shady around the details, you're right to question his intent and motive.
But I'd also be questioning myself why I want to be intimately involved with someone I fundamentally don't trust. I used to fall apart over this stuff, but with a lot of focus on myself and my journey to health, I realized that it's not worth the anxiety.
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I was not directly invited but he asked me if I could go with him; however, I had several plans that I could not cancel. His male friends are kind of sleazy - make a lot of comments about girls/sex that are over the top vulgar and objectifying. I know them well, don't always trust them. They don't know or understand the seriousness of the issues that my and my RABF have experienced so they take it all very lightly. Most of them do poorly in their own relationships with girls due to their immaturity and inability to find happiness with one person.
His friends all drink....heavily. They are the type to say things like "Last night was SOOO crazy - I wish I remembered it!!!"...ugh. They know he has stopped drinking so they do not ever pressure him to but they sure do not help to make a comfortable environment for him either.
I am certain he would not do anything in terms of being unfaithful; however, as many of you have said - it seems to be a very inappropriate place for him to be going on his own. I am sure he would not like for me to be doing the same.
His friends all drink....heavily. They are the type to say things like "Last night was SOOO crazy - I wish I remembered it!!!"...ugh. They know he has stopped drinking so they do not ever pressure him to but they sure do not help to make a comfortable environment for him either.
I am certain he would not do anything in terms of being unfaithful; however, as many of you have said - it seems to be a very inappropriate place for him to be going on his own. I am sure he would not like for me to be doing the same.
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