Sadconfused

How do you deal with it? This happens every monday through wed it seems, after thurs-sun of him being butthead of the year. Before i just accepted it and enjoyed the calm before the next storm. I dont want to do that this time, instead i have been saying yea uh huh and im sure you do to all of the i love yous and bs compliments. I dont know how to handle it, is this the right method? I honestly think he just wants "relations" which isnt happening. I tried to do some research on how to deal with it but couldnt find much.

Tuffgirl

There is no "right method"; it is only about it being right for you. Is this working for you? If so, then its right. If not, then consider your options and try something else.

You do have other options; we always have other options.

Peace,
~T

alia

The honeymoon phase is just one phase in the cycle of violence - Cycle of Violence Turning Point, McHenry County, Illinois

This can apply to so many different types of abuse including the type that comes along with alcohol dependence/abuse. I think it would be good for you to reflect on how his mood swings affect your emotional well-being. If you think it is bringing you down, maybe it is time to reconsider what benefits your relationship brings to your life.

It is truly up to you to decide what is the best/healthiest decision for you - especially if you think that you are manipulated in order to have "relations". Good luck.

amy55

I'll talk about my experience with this. I called it the "hoover attempt", (trying to suck you back in like a vacuum).

In the beginning I was able to handle this, and I liked it, I felt like he was really sorry, had remorse and wanted things to be better between us. (lol)

I found out that this was not the case. He had no plans to change anything, and also according to him, once we had "relations" again, then that was the end of it. Everything was over, everything was better.

What actually happened to me was, I became more anxious during these periods of time, walked on more eggshells during this time, and more afraid during this, because I knew if I did anything "wrong", it would start all over again. But it didn't matter really what I did "wrong" or "right", because it was going to start all over again anyway. It was like a "ticking bomb". I developed PTSD because of this.

So can't really advise you how to handle this, since I obviously did it all wrong, I can only suggest detachment.

Audrey1

Amy55's right. I think detatchment is the right answer. In my experience, RABF was drinking every day, so there was no real honeymoon period, but there were moments of softness. If I accepted an apology or compliment, or just stated that he loved me (as if that is an end in itself) he believed all was well with the world, and that gave him another chance to mess up again. And so the cycle would go...

I had a non-alcoholic friend once who, apparently for (misdirected) religious reasons, annually apologised and sought forgiveness for the hurt he had caused people over the year, based on the belief that this would absolve him of his sins. He had been awful to me and I got a crap apology for it, but it wasn't a patch on how he'd treated his poor GF, who he had unashamedly cheated on throughout the year. The time came for his apologies, and she was very upset but believed he was sorry. This just gave him the green light to spend the next year cheating on her with random women again. Only this time, when it came to the next apology time, he was actually shocked to find she broke up with him!

He's not an alcoholic, but it just goes to show how some people truly think an apology makes everything right in the world, and means they can get on with their misdeeds guilt-free.

ZiggyB

My advice is to look up the cycle of abuse and then decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone who's only nice to you when they want something. I went through the same thing but I was happy when he was in a good mood and for whatever scraps of attention I could get, which I DON'T recommend.

The day we broke up I vividly remember him saying: "You don't even want to f*ck me anymore, do you?"

I think it had been all of two weeks that his wee-wee hadn't gotten attention.

*sigh*

Audrey1

[QUOTE=ZiggyB;3760273]"You don't even want to f*ck me anymore, do you?"QUOTE]

Wow. That's romantic. I can't imagine why you wouldn't want to be intimate with someone who said that. Geez.

ZiggyB

[QUOTE=Audrey1;3760281] Ha - well after that day we broke up...

Audrey1

Good for you.

I wonder if he was surprised...

amy55

Warning also on detachment. Once they see that they are no longer getting to you, or getting what they want with the "hoover attempt" they will change tactics, they will find something to attack you for, as to why the relationship isn't working because of you,

mine went for the following

"if I can't satisfy you, then maybe you should try a woman"

"I don't want to have sex with you, I don't find you sexually attractive"

"maybe you should just go out and get laid, maybe then you'll stop being so b!tchy"

"why won't you have sex with me? Did you just "do" someone else"?

"if you won't have sex with me, maybe I should go find someone else for this"

there are many more of these, but I'm sure you can see the pattern here.

If that tactic doesn't work, then he will start a fight about something else, and just storm out of the house.

or

he may actually start the tears.

All of it is manipulation and intimidation

Detach long enough to just observe the crazy things that he will say and do, when he is not getting his way. Don't believe any of them, then decided if this is the way you want the rest of your life to be.

Also, journal and journal a lot. During the honeymoon period you do in fact forget how bad it is, you yourself will go into denial, then it happens again, and you feel paralyzed again.

I was in the paralysis/ analysis mode for years. Always trying to figure out the best way to handle/deal with things. After doing that for all those years, I found the answer. The answer is ------- there is no answer.

Sadconfused

The hoover attempt is the best take i have heard for describing it. He is still trying to be nice though i already see it getting harder for him. He used the "you must be getting it somewhere else" last night. I said nothing and he went back to his game.

I know where the cycle leds, its not my first ride on this merry go around. I guess i am just know at the point where i can step back and detach. This phase is the hardest for me becauae i have allowed myself to get pulled back in many times, i have known the last few times that he wasnt changing but i still let myself get sucked back in. Im trying to stop that this time.

amy55

I read your past posts. I wanted to know more about your situation. It sounds a lot like mine. I was married for a long time. Over 27 years. The first incident of physical abuse happened after we were married for 10 years, he promised me that it would never happen again, and I believed this, well of course the fighting never stopped, or the anger never stopped, but he did keep his hands off of me for 13 years.

I don't really know what I am trying to tell you here. For that 13 years though, his "bad mood" periods got longer and longer. Then he pushed me out the door, I fell, and bruised my shoulder. Oh, he was so apologetic. Was an angel to me for about a month. I guess he couldn't take it anymore, and he went back to the way he was before.

This happened a few more times, and I guess the injuries were getting worse, I just don't remember, all I knew was that I had gotten to the point of wanting him to hurt me physically, just so that the fighting would stop. I had actually gotten to the point of standing in front of him and screaming, "just hit me already".

I no longer cared for my safety, I just wanted that d@mn fighting to stop. I wanted to make "his voice", in my head just go away. I had gotten to the point that the emotional and verbal were worse for me, then physical abuse.

I started to drink heavily, just to make those voices go away. I would lock myself and a 12 pack in my car in the garage, and hope that I could make it through "this storm".

A therapist suggested to me that I had "Stockholm Syndrome".

Well, how could this be happening to me????? I am an intelligent woman, I last worked in 1999, I was earning $55,000 a year, I talked to people with personality disorders and anger issues the entire 26 years that I worked. I never had a problem with them.

I was determined that I could fix this and make things better. I started reading books, the internet, tried everything to educate myself. I was also on an abuse forum, but stopped posting about my situation, because I was so embarrassed.

I drove myself "crazy", developed ptsd.

Tried anti-depressants, yanno, if I was only a little kinder and not so excitable, and just let things roll off of me, then everything will be ok. Found out that I can take all the anti-depressants in the world, and it was just not going to make him any nicer.

Detachment ------ Really hard to do!!!!! You try your hardest to ignore the things they do that bug you the most, and you can succeed. What happens next, they up the ante !!!!!!! They will find the button to get you to react again. If that button doesn't work, they will keep pressing and pressing, till they find the right one.

I think true detachment is when you finally had enough, and there is no turning back from there.

I never did truly detach. I left because I started fantacizing about stabbing him repeatedly, but he never died, I didn't want him to die, I wanted him alive so that I could stab him again, and again, and again.

I thought that was a safe fantasy, because I am afraid of knives, and knew I would never pick one up (lol), but soon that fantasy turned into hitting him over the head with a cast iron frying pan, now I was really afraid for my sanity, because I knew I could pick up a frying pan.

This is just a bunch of ramblings from someone who has been where you are now, or where you could be going to.

So please take what you can, leave the rest.

What I would suggest though is

never drink when you are with him. (you might need to have a clear head if you need to run)

always have your car keys with you, and your cell phone

have extra clothing for you and your daughter stashed someplace

always have some cash on you

have the dv hotline number with you at all times

if he ever hits you again, or pushes you or anything at all, document, file a police report. (this could also help with custody battles)


I'm sure that I left a lot out, would like to tell you to leave, but you will do what is right for you and your daughter when that time comes. I do have faith in you.

Final advice..... Stay out of the FOG

F - Fear

O - Obligation

G - Guilt

Also, stay in touch with people. We care a lot about you. When I was going through this, I isolated, don't do that, all that did for me, was to keep me in my own crazy world.

ZiggyB

I doubt it... we had a really awful fight where his narcissistic rage really came to the forefront. He used every technique in his nasty little head including gaslighting, raging, throwing things, doublespeak, ordering, belittling, and the sex comment. I have never seen/heard anything quite like it. I was married for 16 years and never saw anything so scary from my ex-h or any ex- bfs. Who would stick around after that but a brainless robot??

ZiggyB

I would consider that comment a form of verbal abuse. Just saying. I'm glad you didn't react.

Sadconfused

I dont have a lot of time to go into detail as he will be home soon and i have to clear my phone out but Thank you Amy, you made me c
y reading this. I am very sorry for what you dealt with and im glad you can now use it to help people like me.

amy55

Just remember, you are not alone.

lizatola

Yes, me too, because I hear it weekly in marriage counseling. He just can't seem to grasp the idea that I don't want 'it' from anyone right now especially from him.

ODAT63

Mine wanted sex specially drunk which was horrible for me, first the smell, then his instrument will only get up half way ....I hated it. and I thought it was me the problem..I am soooo glad is over
I used him to feel victimized he used me to blame and drink, we were the perfect sick couple

amy55

Hi there, going to sleep soon, but was wondering how your night went? Hope you got through it. It's Thursday now, so wanted to say again, you are not alone.

I remember keeping journals, I read that you also do this. I was absolutely amazed when I started to read them. I kept dates of when we would have "relations". It was always 2 days later that he would go out and drink after work, and not even call me.

When I questioned this, I was told that he was upset because I didn't enjoy it, so it didn't count !!!!!!!

This went on for over a year. So finally, one time, after sex, I jumped up , and screamed, "did this one count"? Not recommended. but just for (lol)

Hope you have a good night sleep. Just remember, we are here for you.

Sadconfused

Thank you for the concern and wise words, it really means a lot. Makes me feel less crazy, i still have moments were a take a step back and wonder if its me thats is crazy like he claims but reading here helps me remember im not.

The night was pretty typical. I clean, cook, clean some more, play with the baby before she goes to bed. He sat in his "dungeon" on his game and drinking. His niceness is wearing down even more. He gets loud and talktive when he starts to get buzzed which annoys the crap out of me. I am a very quiet mellow person, i need peace and quiet to function otherwise my anxiety shoots through the roof and i feel a crazy strong need to escape. So when he starts to get loud on his game or never stops talking i start to feel panic and get fruatrated, i think some of it is because i know he is well on his way to drunk and escaping his problems while i sit her and hold everything together. But that look on hia face and in his eyes literally just disgusts me and brings out so much anger. Anyways i was slightly annoyed and said something along the lines of oh your buzzed are you. If looks could kill..... He went on trying to argue at this point got in my face, i was angry so i told him i wasnt scared of him and get out of my space. He pouted for 30 mins or so after this and then tried to act as if all was well for 5 mins befoee he passed out and i went to bed. He didnt speak to me this morning.