HopefulmomtoD

22 AS girlfriend texted me last night. She found out he's been drinking and kicked him out. (We kicked him out NY Day). I don't think I slept all night. I checked his phone records this am and he's not made or received any calls.

He really has no place to go. It was in the 20's here last night and I keep picturing him dead somewhere.

I hope this is his bottom, but I really fear he is going to die. How do I just let that happen? That's his best chance at recovery, right? But, how can I do it?

I gave in and just called him and at first the phone got picked up, heard rustling but no answer. Called again and it went to voice mail. Maybe he is alive- and just being selfish and/or is really drunk?

As many of you know, this is the worst pain in the whole world. My poor DH just cried like a baby- I've never seen him do that. We've both never felt so hopeless.

Seren

Oh, hopeful! I'm sorry you have been so worried, but there really is nothing you can do. You called him and he is probably not answering because he sees that it is you and WANTS you to worry and feel guilty. Mr. HG has been on the receiving end of this sort of manipulation by his son on many, many occasions. Finally he just let it all go.

My stepson is very resourceful and always finds some place to lay his head at night. And now, he is in a sober living facility.

I know this is hard....know it first-hand. Whatever you decide, you will always be supported here. I hope you can allow your son the dignity of figuring out the path for his own life. He is very capable!

Many hugs and prayers for you both!

HopefulmomtoD

Thanks hydrogirl. I'm trying, I am. Is the dignity stuff true, or is just something we tell ourselves to make us feel better about not helping?

jodane

Hopeful, I do feel for you and know how hard it is. I told my abf he had to go. he said he was going to his mums [she is the only one that would have him] but he never got there.
he text me to say sorry then I phoned him, he said he didnt know where he was then the phone cut of and it has not been on since.
no one has seen or heard from him for 4 days
like you I have thought all sorts of things but people on this site have given me support and im hanging on crying a lot and hoping he is safe I dont know what else we can do
take care

Seren

It is true....think about it. Do you want your son to be an adult who always has to rely on Mommy or Daddy to fix everything in his world, or do you want him to learn to be a competent, independent, self-supporting adult who feels good about being able to care for himself and contributes to society?

I know how hard this is, but I also know that in my experience, this is true.

Redheadsusie

As a Mom of two 20 something boys I just want to say I am sorry you are dealing with this. Dealing with an A who is my husband is one thing but one of my sons - Dear god. I don't know what to say but have faith- try to think positive and pray. I wish my AH's parents had made him be accountable at that age then he would not be a 48 year old man who has destroyed 2 separate families. Hugs to you both.............. You are doing the right thing .......

Seren

Hi Hopeful!

How are you? Just checking in on your day. I know this is extraordinarily hard.

Hugs, HG

HopefulmomtoD

Thanks Hydro. Not great. Have not heard from him. I don't know how people do it. It feels like I am dying.

Thanks for checking on me.

redatlanta

Thinking of you hopefulmom and sending prayers for you!

thislonelygirl

Sorry. It must be difficult and worrisome but in light of everything
Lets look on the bright side and be grateful that he has such a strong loving girlfrienwho isnt enabling him
And be driven around on the co dependant ride.
She kicked him out and yall kicked him out....it seems the people in his life are setting boundaries
And making true to them.
This will help him even if ut doesnt seem so. When he is ready and no sooner.
He will come to you. Let him. He needs to find his own way and make up
His own mind

Rosiepetal

Thoughts & prayers are with you.
And hugs. :ghug3

HopefulmomtoD

Does anyone ever think it would be better if they died and you could get out the limbo and grieve them?

I can't believe I'm even having these thoughts. I just can't stand the not knowing and wondering if he is suffering or dead or in jail.

He is not using his phone. I can not think of any other person he would be with.

thislonelygirl

I just want to add that from my experience alcoholics are great at being dramatic and manipulating.
He is probably ok and at a friends or something and purposely answered made rustling noise accidently answered and hung up and is just ignoring the calls to be dramatic and make yall feel bad or hes upset and in a tantrum.
My ah does this. He leaves or gets told to leave runs off sits somewhere and makes
Everyone feel sorry for him or like they upset him and he can "dissapear " from their lives. Shun them.
Its a ploy.

thislonelygirl

Its normal. The not knowing whats happened to the one we love is painful.
Ive thought the same before.
He could be in jail (in that case you can look online and search for arrests through your public jail and atleast he is warm fed and you know where he is)
Also I found that theres no reason to use a phone when you have somewhere to go ie
A bar. A friends. Parked somewhere etc.
My ah dissapeared many times all day . He did not use his phone.
He was either in jail . Asleep in his car . At the bar or a friends. He called no numbers .

HopefulmomtoD

Thanks thislonelygirl. I really appreciate the support.

I think what extra hard with my son is he has no friends really- he is very introverted. The only person he was in contact with since he came back from rehab was his girlfriend and she (rightly so) kicked him out. I guess he could have hooked up with someone from an AA meeting.

He has never been to a bar as far as I know. His drinking is done in isolation- not a social drinker at all.

He battles depression and is on medication for it- but, I always worry ....

NeverQuit

I join those praying for his safety and your peace of mind. Having seen this happen with my nephew, I know that he managed to live through many difficult situations and live through his bad decisions that caused him to experience the inside of various jails until he made the decision to get sober. He is now a happy, sober, brilliant guy who is in control of his life. It took a lot of time and faith and a lot of our prayers. Stay strong.

Seren

My stepson is also a bit of a loner who does not make friends easily, it seems. He was out of contact for more than 6 months at one point during the last two years--no phone calls, no e-mail. We had no idea where he was or what was happening in his life. Did we worry? Yes.

But what would have been the next move if we had used every resource we could to find him. He is an adult and we couldn't make him do something he did not want to do. We were not going to let him live with us--he had threatened to kill 3 members of his family. We had to let him go and allow him to figure out his own problems and his own life on his own time. And yes, sometimes it hurts! Alot!

Slowly but surely my stepson is taking steps to improve his life. We spent some time with him around Christmas and just enjoyed the here and now with him. No expectations, no future tripping, just that sunny day together.

I hope and pray that your son will make that next right choice. I hope and pray that your heart will find peace tonight and you and your dear husband will be able to get some much-needed sleep.

Recovering2

Dear Hopeful, my heart breaks for you. I think of the times I held my elderly Dad in my arms as he cried because my AB had gone missing....again. My Mom would be a wreck with anxiety, diarrhea, crying. He wouldn't answer his phone, they would assume he was dead. Ugh. After a couple of weeks, he would pop up again. They would take him back, and it would start again. They suffered unimaginable pain (as you know), then got right back into caretaking when he showed up. It continues to this day....he is now 49 yrs old. Don't let that happen to you.

chicory

Dear Hopeful,

I am so sorry you are hurting so much. I have had similar happenings, with my son. There were times he was not answering his phone and /or I did not know where he was. I always, and I mean, always imagined the worst of things. worried, cried, sick at my stomach, diarrhea, etc, and each time, there was a reason other than the worst things. they are smart enough to find a place to go into, out of the weather. they can ask questions. there are people who will show you where you can go for a meal, a place to stay, etc.
it was never the horrible thing that I thought it would be.
I know that isn't much comfort, but just remember, he is probably fine, and maybe his phone isn't charged, and he is at an aa friends. as you said. try to remember when you think the worst, that it is probably not something awful. people usually do not just disappear. if something happened, you would know it by now, most likely. there are many places to get out of the weather.

I am praying that he calls you , somehow, and lets you know he is ok, so you can rest. It is so hard when they live the life of an addict/alcoholic.

hugs honey. I know it hurts.
hugs
chicory

Windancer

So sorry to hear of this .
Hugs and prayers to you. Please let us know when he is found!