secondwind

Tonight i received a text from AO's mother. Stating she will be calling once a week to talk to her 3 year old grandson. I told her weekends would be great and she thanked me.

I do not have a problem with this. It does not effect me negatively in any way.

But it brought up some anxious feelings regarding the future. Trying to work thru them and let them go... but it is difficult.

If a relationship was to continue with AO in the future - i don't know my comfort level with his parents.

The father is an active addict. My last contact with him i was cussed out and told to die a quick and painful death. AO not standing up for me after it happened makes things worse. At this time i am not comfortable with him having any contact with my son. He would not be allowed to step foot in my house. My feelings would change with time if he sobered up and was more positive.

The mother (they are divorced) is an enabler. She would give her son pills when they saw each other and she even mailed presciption pills to him. She has given him so much money. I would beg her to stop and she would stop and then start up again when he called her. AO and her have some apron string issues as well. He is her baby. Things with her can change as well... with some stronger boundaries.

I know this is all projecting. The future is all unknown. So it is not about decisions being made now.

I would never forbid AO from contact with his parents. I would just keep my and my sons distant until they are healthier if we stayed together.

Just wondering if a relationship is even possible with my feelings towards his parents.
I am honestly looking for advice and experience.

Carrie

The Belle Of The Ball

LoveMeNow

My advice is to keep working on YOU and live each day as it comes. ONE DAY AT A TIME!! You will not be the belle of the ball next Christmas any other way!

secondwind

Lmn, how i knew you would say that.

And i greatly appreciate. I am too much of a "what if" person. Need to focus on"what is" instead.

Carrie

The Belle Of The Ball

crazybabie

You decide when of if she talks to your son I find it rude that she just up and told you and didn't ask.

LoveMeNow

Maybe I am just in a bad frame of mind but.........since your MIL had no problems sending money to her son, the addict, I hope she helps out with her grandson since his own father is currently "indisposed."

dollydo

As a codie, we project, we dream, we what if ourselves to death. I would suggest that you live in today, address the issues as they come up today, don't obsess about tomorrow, it is a total waste of time and effort. Stay where you belong, in the preaz Xsent.

The first issue at hand is whether your AO can get clean/sober and stay sober for life, right now, that's not looking too good...sounds like you are putting the cart before the horse.

secondwind

I had to go back and reread her text - and i was dumbfounded to see she did demand it of me.

Part of my problem is i hate confrontation (except when it came to AO)... so i will just go along with everyone and become such a doormat.

Reflecting this morning, I realize i was uncomfortable with how she told me and that is what made me anxious and start projecting on the future.

This is something i need to watch for.

I still am ok with her calling. Although i think she might be a bit surprised as a three year old with some delayed speech is not easy to talk to on the phone. I live with this child and i still need a translator on the phone...lol.
The phone calls will continue, unless they become unhealthy.

Carrie

The Belle Of The Ball

secondwind

This will most likely not happen.

Just to keep the car was a battle. AO was going to leave it to his sponser.

His reasoning...why should i leave the car with you if we might not be together.

My reasoning... you are not allowed to have the car where you are going. You will in there for a minimum of six months and i will have.complete care of our son. Consider it an exchange for child support.

Thankfully he left the car.

But this is the same woman who begged me not to kick him out cause.it would break her heart but she would not take him in.
The same woman who threatened me if i threw him out.
The same woman who sent money time after time to AO when i begged her not to or asked her to wait on sending the money until he moved out.
The same woman who bought a three year old an ipod touch -
She is not all there.

I do not expect a drop of help from her. Not sure if i would want it.

Carrie

The Belle Of The Ball

secondwind

Dolly

Thank you.

I do worry about the future too much. I will.leave that to the fortune tellers.

Carrie

The Belle Of The Ball

LoveMeNow

You get to decide when she talks to him. Its when its convenient for you and a 3 yr old. Don't allow her to call the shots. Time to take control of your (our) lives.

Glad "prince charming" was kind enough to leave his car for you so you can get groceries, make Dr appointments, ya know - the basics to care for his son. smh

secondwind

Lol..LMN,

I thought the same thing. This is the prince charming i was fighting so hard to keep.

Ugggg...... i am just thankful i have it for now.

Carrie

Carrie - The Belle Of The Ball

rose

Is it possible to have something drawn up legally that the ex is in no way shape or form to have contact with the babe while under their care...


rose

secondwind

Rose... AO is in a program here where i live... his mother is 3 hours away. Not far enough sometimes.

Carrie - The Belle Of The Ball

interrupted

Legally grandparents have no right to demand anything with regard to contact with your son. If you're comfortable with it for now, that's fine - if you EVER become uncomfortable with it, even mildly, the calls stop. Simple as that. They don't have a leg to stand on, legal or otherwise. While it's nice to have grandparents in the picture when possible (and healthy!) I would have no qualms about telling some of my family to take a hike if I didn't think an ongoing relationship with them was good for my (currently hypothetical) child.

I agree with Crazybabie that her manner was rude - hopefully she can dial that down a bit. Given that she has zero right to speak to a child that isn't hers, being pleasant with that child's mother might go further towards advancing her desire. Go figure.

secondwind

I appreciate you sharing.

That is where i stand now.

I hope if there are further requests that they are done in the form of a request and not demanding i bend to her will. I am also uneasy how it came out as i will be calling once a week, why not i would like to call and talk.

Anyway the tone makes me uneasy as to what will follow. Bur not for me to worry about.

The calls from her are fine - as long as they stay appropriate for a 3 year old.

Carrie - The Belle Of The Ball

hello-kitty

see if she actually calls... and decide then - is it an appropriate time for a phone call... etc etc.

That's what I plan on doing.

My son hasn't heard from my ex's family in years... they always SAY they are going to visit or call him but they never do. Not one birthday card. Not one Christmas present. Nothing.

Kindeyes

Now I find this very interesting......why should the mother of addict son be responsible for that which her son doesn't do.......isn't that "enabling". If she chooses to help out....great....but to expect that of her is no different and no less inappropriate than her demanding to see her grandchild

I hope she does what a grandmother is suppose to do.....love that child unconditionally. Take him to museums. Take walks in the park. Read to him. Talk to him. Just love him in the special way that a grandmother does.

There is nothing worse in all of the addiction stuff that I have dealt with than being held accountable for my addicted son's actions as it relates to my grandchild.

Think carefully on this issue......for the sake of the child.......you have all the power.......be a good steward of that power.

I'll apologize here. This is an issue that hits very close to home.....and it is very painful. This thread was a trigger and I understand that each situation is different.

gentle hugs
ke

LoveMeNow

I am sorry if it offended you KE. However, I am on the opposite side of the fence as you.

I watched my kids maternal grandmother (bio mother' mother) give her AD thousands of dollars in "enabling" drug money. Yet, when her AD lost custody, she humbly called us and asked to continue a relationship with grandchildren. After much thought, we decided if she was acted in a healthy manner, the more who loved them the better.

She was never the grandmother you described, her dog came first and my kids had to leave because "they" were upsetting the dog. She never sent a card, never a Christmas gift, never a back to school pencil....nothing!!

My mother was terminally ill and still took them out for ice creams, back to school supplies, hermit crabs, took them to the movies, etc. When she wasn't feeling well, she always gave to them in some way - to let them know she loved them and was thinking of them.

IMO, A walk in the park is great, but I would be more concerned about my grandchild welfare then a phone call every week. And she didn't ask, she demanded!!

Your situation seems very different. You are paying for your son's choices and are not demanding anything and being respectful off your son's ex wishes.


P.S. We certainly could afford to give the kids what they needed, however, something "special" from their grandmother from time to time would have been nice too.

secondwind

Sorry i didn't mean to offend anyone or cause any triggers. I do not act out of spite. My.daughter has a very close relationship with her half-sister. Her sister will call and text me to see her. The very same sister who testified and lied in court at the custody hearing. I can handle most anything.

I do not have a problem with AO's mother calling. I had a concern with her demanding it... before she ever requested it.

AO's dad has spoken such evil and is an active addict i can not promote that relationship right now.

AO'S mother i will promote and allow as long as it is appropriate and and positive. She does not live close so i do not expect to see her or have her ask to see my son.
She is a very materialistic. Buys and buys but doesnt know how to interact with children... she did nor really raise her own, their dads did.

I think other things are going on... as saturday AO informed me the blackout period does not involved family.. but today i left a message for an appoitment time and i was informed he was in blackout from all calls.

I am sorry if i caused any problems.

Carrie - The Belle Of The Ball

Kindeyes

Ahhhhh....you didn't offend me.....this thread triggered me.....and I was honest about it. Perhaps my response triggered you too.......and for that I am sorry.

You aren't really on the other side of the fence.......my XAH had parents. I've been on that side of the fence. I didn't blamed them for his addiction. I didn't blame them for his behavior. They raised six children and did the best they were able. Four out of the six were capable, productive people.....two became addicts. I'm sure it was very painful for them to have their two youngest children go sideways. They understood why I divorced their son. They didn't condemn me for it.

They lived 3000 miles away so they didn't have much contact with their grandson (my son) but anytime my XAH's family were in town, they had access to my son. I didn't punish them for their son's/brother's addiction or behavior. In fact, I have recently had contact with my ex-SIL. She is a good, kind person who is my XAH's enabler. I don't chastise her for her enabling....I talk program......I speak kindly......and she thanks me. I look at it as an opportunity to share my ESH as opposed to an opportunity to judge and condemn her. She is attending meetings (Al-Anon) based upon our contact.....I think that's pretty great....I hear the pain and fear in her voice.....the last thing I want to do is make that pain and fear greater.

There are some extremely dysfunctional situations out there and I understand that each individual has to make decisions based upon the situation they are faced with. But I also think its very hard not to be angry with anyone associated with the addict......particularly if they aren't doing things "exactly" as we think they should be doing it. It's part of the dysfunction of codependence.

gentle hugs
ke