Hello to all. In need of support.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 28
Hello to all. In need of support.
Hello everyone. I am posting here to welcome myself to the community. Currently I am in a time of need and have came across soberrecovery. I am hoping I can find support here.
I grew up in an alcoholic and dysfunctional family and now at 25 am realizing the serious debilitating effect it is having on my entire life. I have found that I have serious issues regarding the abuse of alcohol, prescription drugs, and personal relationships. I have made an oath to myself that it all ends now. From here on out, I am going to become a healthier person. I look forward to sharing my recovery process with the community. I will tell you a little bit more about myself. Forgive me for not being short.
My father is a recovered alcoholic and as far back as I can remember, I always remember living in fear of him. Although he never harmed me physically, the emotional trauma is definitely within me. He worked 55 hour weeks in the working class sector (nights) and was not around much. When I was younger, I knew his behavior was scary, but was too young to realize how traumatic it was for me. My mother constantly scolded and belittled my father in front of me to try and control the situation. There was not always threats of divorce, yelling, screaming, glasses breaking, police at the house, etc., but I believe that since it happened so sporadically over my childhood, it made me fear when it would happen next. When I think back to my childhood, the only thing I can remember was being anxious and afraid. I excelled in sports and became a very social human being. Despite me thinking that these efforts were correct, I feel as hollow as an empty egg.
I feel immense guilt for the amount of alcohol I drank this weekend and know that I abuse alcohol. I don't drink often, but when I do, it is entirely too much. I black out. It is so embarrassing. I feel shame. The pit of my stomach churns over this person I have become, but behind all of this anxiety, fear, and guilt, there is a wounded child. I can feel that I am alive somewhere in myself, but have so routinely repressed the real me that I do not know who I am anymore. I want to find the person I used to be and let him shine through this facade that has been up for as long as I can remember.
Today I sit before my first class of the day at graduate school feeling hollow, shameful, and eager to find help. I so desperately need an outlet. I am hoping this community can support my recovery process. It is so hard to find others to relate too, because I have found that a lot of those people I relate too have an alcohol, drug, or illness themselves.
Thank you for having me in the community and I am committed to posting regularly. Hope you all have a great day and am eager to share stories.
Sincerely
MusicLanguages
I grew up in an alcoholic and dysfunctional family and now at 25 am realizing the serious debilitating effect it is having on my entire life. I have found that I have serious issues regarding the abuse of alcohol, prescription drugs, and personal relationships. I have made an oath to myself that it all ends now. From here on out, I am going to become a healthier person. I look forward to sharing my recovery process with the community. I will tell you a little bit more about myself. Forgive me for not being short.
My father is a recovered alcoholic and as far back as I can remember, I always remember living in fear of him. Although he never harmed me physically, the emotional trauma is definitely within me. He worked 55 hour weeks in the working class sector (nights) and was not around much. When I was younger, I knew his behavior was scary, but was too young to realize how traumatic it was for me. My mother constantly scolded and belittled my father in front of me to try and control the situation. There was not always threats of divorce, yelling, screaming, glasses breaking, police at the house, etc., but I believe that since it happened so sporadically over my childhood, it made me fear when it would happen next. When I think back to my childhood, the only thing I can remember was being anxious and afraid. I excelled in sports and became a very social human being. Despite me thinking that these efforts were correct, I feel as hollow as an empty egg.
I feel immense guilt for the amount of alcohol I drank this weekend and know that I abuse alcohol. I don't drink often, but when I do, it is entirely too much. I black out. It is so embarrassing. I feel shame. The pit of my stomach churns over this person I have become, but behind all of this anxiety, fear, and guilt, there is a wounded child. I can feel that I am alive somewhere in myself, but have so routinely repressed the real me that I do not know who I am anymore. I want to find the person I used to be and let him shine through this facade that has been up for as long as I can remember.
Today I sit before my first class of the day at graduate school feeling hollow, shameful, and eager to find help. I so desperately need an outlet. I am hoping this community can support my recovery process. It is so hard to find others to relate too, because I have found that a lot of those people I relate too have an alcohol, drug, or illness themselves.
Thank you for having me in the community and I am committed to posting regularly. Hope you all have a great day and am eager to share stories.
Sincerely
MusicLanguages
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 28
Thank you for the reply.
I could cry for how guilty I feel. Alcohol has stripped me away of so many great opportunities. I feel that now is the right time to get my life in order. I just can't live like this anymore.
I could cry for how guilty I feel. Alcohol has stripped me away of so many great opportunities. I feel that now is the right time to get my life in order. I just can't live like this anymore.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Welcome ML. It's wonderful to have you with us. This is an amazing place, filled with hope and encouragement.
Please don't feel guilty. Imagine going on for another 25 years, allowing your life to become a trainwreck. That's what I did (and many of us here). As least said, a wise choice to be stopping now. You'll be avoiding so much misery. The real you is beginning to shine through already - merely by taking this courageous step. Congratulations on your decision.
Please don't feel guilty. Imagine going on for another 25 years, allowing your life to become a trainwreck. That's what I did (and many of us here). As least said, a wise choice to be stopping now. You'll be avoiding so much misery. The real you is beginning to shine through already - merely by taking this courageous step. Congratulations on your decision.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 28
Thank you hevyn. It really means a lot. Do you have any advice on how to get comfortable with getting close to others. I have a lot of "friends" but only about one or two that actually realize the depth of my problem and history. This community is so great. I have been on here for half an hour and people are supporting already. Bless you all.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome Music!
Glad you've decided to join us and congratulations on attending graduate school (are you in music, by any chance?
A lot of universities have counseling for students free of charge..... just something that might be helpful dealing with your trauma from childhood(?) Maybe a study group would help you meet more people. I think it just takes time to find someone you really click with.
It's great that you've realized how alcohol affects you. We know what it's like to feel shame and anxiety/depression after a blow out..... glad you're here!:ghug3
Glad you've decided to join us and congratulations on attending graduate school (are you in music, by any chance?
A lot of universities have counseling for students free of charge..... just something that might be helpful dealing with your trauma from childhood(?) Maybe a study group would help you meet more people. I think it just takes time to find someone you really click with.It's great that you've realized how alcohol affects you. We know what it's like to feel shame and anxiety/depression after a blow out..... glad you're here!:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 28
Thank you artsoul!
I am actually studying psychology! I should have gone into music. Music is more of a hobby for me
I do have a psychologist that I see once a week or so but I have been closing off from her recently. I am almost scared to tell her how I relapsed really badly in fear of disappointment. (sounds weird I know). I need to come clean with her and get back on the therapy wagon.
I am a very social guy and meet people, but I mean really connect... that rarely happens. When women get close, my mind finds every way to push them away. Maybe I need to develop more patience. I am going to look into more study groups available on campus here.
It is astonishing that alcohol has taken so much of my life away from me. The depression/anxiety part of it seems to intensify after a blow out. I usually feel about a week of weakness in regard to my nervous system. Again, I really would like to thank you for your feedback and advice.
I am actually studying psychology! I should have gone into music. Music is more of a hobby for me
I do have a psychologist that I see once a week or so but I have been closing off from her recently. I am almost scared to tell her how I relapsed really badly in fear of disappointment. (sounds weird I know). I need to come clean with her and get back on the therapy wagon.
I am a very social guy and meet people, but I mean really connect... that rarely happens. When women get close, my mind finds every way to push them away. Maybe I need to develop more patience. I am going to look into more study groups available on campus here.
It is astonishing that alcohol has taken so much of my life away from me. The depression/anxiety part of it seems to intensify after a blow out. I usually feel about a week of weakness in regard to my nervous system. Again, I really would like to thank you for your feedback and advice.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
I found that no one really understood what I was going through. Most everyone was a social drinker & didn't know why I couldn't keep it to just a drink or two. That's why I loved finding SR and being part of it. I never dreamed an online community could help me the way this has.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Between the Moon & the Stars
Posts: 211
Welcome ML. At SR you'll find incredible support, love and advice. You have great awareness about alcohol issues and I commend you for it!
I understand being a wounded child and how we carry that into our adulthood. There's good news though......it doesn't always need to stay with us. Once we start working on ourselves and we find understanding and forgiveness those things seem to dim. They have for me at least.
I have no advice to how to get close to people. I've isolated my entire life and trying to let people in is an issue I'm working on. I suppose my only suggestion is to open up to at least one of your friends that you trust. If you have complete faith that the discussion you have will remain confidential, I say go for it!
Please post and visit often! We all help each other figure out life together and we also help keep each other accountable.
I understand being a wounded child and how we carry that into our adulthood. There's good news though......it doesn't always need to stay with us. Once we start working on ourselves and we find understanding and forgiveness those things seem to dim. They have for me at least.
I have no advice to how to get close to people. I've isolated my entire life and trying to let people in is an issue I'm working on. I suppose my only suggestion is to open up to at least one of your friends that you trust. If you have complete faith that the discussion you have will remain confidential, I say go for it!
Please post and visit often! We all help each other figure out life together and we also help keep each other accountable.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 28
Thank you all. I came clean with my therapist
. The hardest thing going on for me right now is the resentment I feel toward my father. He's recovered but the family damage has been done. He's going through chemotherapy right now and I know there will never be an apology from him for what he did to my brother and I.
. The hardest thing going on for me right now is the resentment I feel toward my father. He's recovered but the family damage has been done. He's going through chemotherapy right now and I know there will never be an apology from him for what he did to my brother and I.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 173
Hi MusicLanguage - welcome!!
I was also born into an alcoholic/disfunctional home and only after getting sober did I realize that I was attempting to deal with life the same way I saw my parents deal with it - by drinking to excess. I have learned so much from the AA program - through working with a sponsor and working the steps of AA. The most benefit was with the 4th step work. It was tough. The fourth step calls for us to be brutally honest with ourself. To come to terms with the causes and conditions that drive us to to bottle.
Hopefully you can come to a deep understanding of your own value, worth and loveablility. You have accomplished so much, and I am sure that appreciation for those things in you has been lacking in your own family of origin. Its time to be your own good parent, fill in the missing gaps that you did not receive. Check in here regularly and share your progress - believe it or not you help others here by doing so!!
Take care and be well,
Oh2exhale
I was also born into an alcoholic/disfunctional home and only after getting sober did I realize that I was attempting to deal with life the same way I saw my parents deal with it - by drinking to excess. I have learned so much from the AA program - through working with a sponsor and working the steps of AA. The most benefit was with the 4th step work. It was tough. The fourth step calls for us to be brutally honest with ourself. To come to terms with the causes and conditions that drive us to to bottle.
Hopefully you can come to a deep understanding of your own value, worth and loveablility. You have accomplished so much, and I am sure that appreciation for those things in you has been lacking in your own family of origin. Its time to be your own good parent, fill in the missing gaps that you did not receive. Check in here regularly and share your progress - believe it or not you help others here by doing so!!
Take care and be well,
Oh2exhale
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